A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over ten years and everything is great - I love him and I know he loves me. But the problem is that he wants kids and I don't. We started dating when we were teenagers so it really wasn't an issue then and I guess we both kinda hoped one of us would change our mind eventually. But now our friends are all getting married and settling down and it's clearly starting to play on his mind that I don't ever want that. I really don't want to break up with him. But I'm afraid that if we stay together I'll be depriving him of the life he wants to have - and I'll constantly be worrying that one day he'll break up with me.What should I do? Thanks! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Crazysecret  +, writes (30 May 2015):
 @Chigirl Yes you are right and yes you are blunt. Why sugar coat it? Because this is a delicate situation. The OP is coming to us for advice on what to do about a man she loved for 10 years and still loves. If you need to tell someone that their dad died, what do you do? Do you tell them; "Hey your Dad is dead! sorry man." No. You ease into, use a euphemism like "passed away" rather than "died" but I digress. That said, sugar coating realities is a necessity sometimes, not for us but for the OP.Back to the issue at hand; I think having "the chat" is an excellent decision. Chigirl and Honeypie may sound more straightforward about what needs to be done but ultimately they are right. However, before any harsh decisions are made, "the chat" is a perfect way to discover what one is willing to give up for the other.P.S. Careful because one might say he/she is willing to sacrifice something but really is not prepared to and grows to resent the other as a result.If your husband is prepared to make the sacrifice of not having kids or you are prepared to make the sacrifice to have kids you must make sure that this is YOUR decision that YOU made.The choices and alternatives were put on the table and a consenting decision was made that both of you must live with for the rest of your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Thank you all for your answers. I guess I just need to pluck up the courage to have "the chat". It's been the elephant in the room for a long, long time.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2015):
 NOT every man wants children. I have several friends that do not. My own husband never wanted children. He's ok having mine (they were grown already when we met) but he still does not get the whole "we will always be parents" thing when I want to do for my 30 yr old child.
My husband was alone until he met an older woman with children that he did not have to raise. Having kids was a deal breaker for him. He did not want them.
My own son does not want children but his fiancee does. They agreed on zero to two children and will let nature takes it's course.
IF you do not want children and you are 100% sure of that (and kudos to you for knowing your own mind) and he does and he is 100% sure of that then sadly this is a deal breaker for your relationship and yes while in the short run it will hurt deeply for a while, in the long run letting him go because you do not want children is the kindest thing to do for both of you.
I strongly urge you to go NO CONTACT for a while after the break up. IT will lessen the pain for both of you.
what a very sad situation. I'm so sorry.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 May 2015):
 My husband was married for seven years to his first wife. One of the reasons he divorced her is because she didn't want children, there were other issues as well but he definitely wanted children. We just celebrated our 40th anniversary, 3 kids and 11 grandkids later. Time for some very serious talk.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
 I have to agree with chigirl.
If she knows 100% that KIDS is NOT something she wants, and the BF knows 100% that HE wants kids this is a total deal breaker and not fair on either of them. Not fair that HE should give up the change of having kids, and not fair for her to feel OBLIGATED to pop out a nugget to make him stay.
Most people who by their late 20's KNOW they don't want kids aren't saying it to be "interesting" they JUST do NOT want kids. Nothing wrong in that. You have to follow you heart.
YOU (dear OP) need to sit him down and figure out of this is a deal breaker or not for you both. And what the next step would be.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 I may be blunt, but Im right. Why sugar coat it? Kids or no kids is a big deal, and it's not something one can compromise on. If the two aren't in agreement, then there's really nothing else to do but end it. Harsh at that sounds, Im not telling her she needs to ditch him and hurt him. She can end it in whatever form or manner she pleases, but bottom line is that she can not hold on to him and keep him for longer. She can not give him what he wants.
Part of loving someone is knowing when you need to let them go. Otherwise you're just being selfish and keeping them whilst knowing it will only hurt them and deprive them of something important, and they will grow to resent you for it.
There are other humans in the world to love and have wonderful relationships with. Be glad for the time you spent together, stay friends even if you wish. But let go of each other so you can both pursue people who want the same things you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Every man wants a child to carry on his legacy. So if I were you I would. But if you just really love him, but just know deep down you don't want a child then you should have a really deep conversation with him about it. Just tell him that you love him and tell him how you feel about having a baby. But before you guys should even consider a baby yall should get married first, then take baby steps from there.
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reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 May 2015):
This is what we call a dealbreaker. Moving on is scary especially when it's been so long and you don't know anything else, but don't be afraid! You'll be fine, no-BETTER even. He will too.
Try to break it off as kindly and in the most adult way that you can. Time for you both to move towards your life goals and move on from this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): That would be a deal breaker for me. issue of kids is the most Important.
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male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (25 May 2015):
As a response to Chigirl I think it is a little insensitive to blatantly say to let him go. They have been together for over ten years, letting him go is not that simple. However, the issue of contrasting desires still remains. I think you talk it out, and make it clear that you don't expect him to change and he can't expect you to either and maybe you can both work out what to do. Perhaps breaking it off now is a good idea. Perhaps staying together while believing that you might one day see some pros in having kids. What I am trying to say is that in a relationship you take the good with the bad and must outweigh the pros and cons of sacrifices that must be made. Do you love him so much that you wouldn't mind having kids? Do you think he loves you so much that he would sacrifice not having kids so that he can have you? Would you feel guilty depriving him of what he wants? Will he grow to resent you? There are so many questions that need to be recognized and the only way to do so is by discussing the issue. Best of luck to you both.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 May 2015):
You need to let him go. If you hold on to him you are depriving him of something important. Dont be selfish. Let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You must feel very strongly about not wanting kids. I don't blame you. If I could live my life over, I believe I'd opt not to have any either as this is such a cruel world we live in and life is so difficult for all of us. I just saw in the news that a 65-year-old German woman gave birth to quadruplets. I thought that was so selfish of her to bring those children into the world so late in her life.I don't know what your reasons are for not wanting kids, but you sound sure of your decision. I believe you need to talk to him about how you feel. I'm sure you two have talked about this many times, but you must do so again. He needs to know that you're serious and that your decision won't change. Don't hold back, lay everything on the table. You not only need to tell him that you don't want kids and never will, but that you're also thinking about letting him go so that he can fulfill his dream of fatherhood. Discuss the pros and cons of remaining together and of parting. Talk about your fears of him leaving later if he were to remain in the relationship. After you do, the decision is up to him. If he truly loves you, he'll stay and make that sacrifice for you. If you truly love him, you'll stay with him and accept the risk that he may one day leave. Very little is ever certain in life. There are no guarantees than anyone will be with us tomorrow regardless of our circumstances. But you can embrace what you have now and continue to take it one day at a time--really, that's all that any of us can do. And truly, you two are lucky to have each other. It sounds like you two are very close. I understand that type of close relationship as my husband and I have been together since we were teens as well. It seems that there aren't many relationships like that nowadays. I hope you will be able to work it out and stay together. Best wishes. And please update us on what transpires.
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