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Boyfriend lost his job, became depressed and now won't speak to me!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Health, Long distance, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm in a pretty bad situation. I dated a guy for 6 months long distance and were very serious- he met my family, I spoke to his, our parents talked- we were on the marriage track. 4 months into it he told me that he was unemployed. It threw me for a loop but I forgave him knowing how important his career was for him, and how much influence his family had on him. I tried my best to help him with opportunities, but it seemed like over time he wanted less and less of my help.

Around the 6 month mark I went to go visit him and on my last day of my trip asked about our future and an engagement, and he broke down. He told me he was struggling, had low confidence, and was scared of that kind of commitment. I came back home and a week later he broke up with me. Said he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that he couldn't do it anymore- he had suffered some anxiety attacks because of his life situation too. I asked him to go on a break, and not break up because this was about his work and I wanted to be a partner with him. We agreed to checking in every 2 weeks for 2-6 months.

As the weeks went by, it got harder for me to stay afloat. I tried my best to be positive, but sometimes would have outbursts during the calls asking what was going on or if things were going to get better. Around the 3 month mark he started to get very distant and specific with the 2 week breaks, he refused to talk to me otherwise. He told me he was also being distant from his friends and focussing on work. He then got a contract job and started doing better, said he was open to talking to me more often than the 2 week check ins, but that it took him a while to get back to people so I shouldn't be alarmed if he doesn't text right away.

The next week he went to see his family for thanksgiving and I didn't hear from him at all for a few days, called and messaged, nothing. He got back to me saying he was fine and that whenever I text and call so many times it makes him feel suffocated and harassed. I told him I was sorry, I was just worried for his safety. A week later he had an event to go to that he had been working on, I asked how it went and nothing. I saw that he was talking to some friends on his Facebook wall, and got upset and called him out. I told him it hurt that he had time for others and not for me, called him a bunch of times, and texted him all day with apologies and heard nothing. It has now been 6 weeks since then.

I reached out to him for 3 following weeks every few days asking for forgiveness, apologizing, and he hasn't said a single thing. It has been 2 weeks since I last reached out. Now that it's been so long and he's been separating himself from me, what are my options? Will no contact even work in this situation? Please help. I'm so confused and lost. This was the guy I thought I was going to marry.

View related questions: a break, broke up, confidence, depressed, facebook, long distance, lost his job, text

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (11 January 2017):

chigirl agony auntHe is not a good man for you, you need to listen to this. He does not want a relationship, and a man who does not want a relationship will NEVER be a good boyfriend or a boyfriend at all. You're completely ignoring this simple fact. Does not matter if he forgives you, or if you never made any mistakes at all. I don't think you made any mistakes in regards to his unemployment. I just dont think he wants to be in a relationship with you, for whatever reason, and you need to respect this and drop all fantasy ideas about him wanting you. It just doesn't work like that. You need to just accept that it is over, without it being anyones fault. It just didn't work out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

I did not yell at him about losing his job, not even once, ever.

I forgave him for lying to me for the first 4 months of our relationship that he was working, and when he told me I accepted the information calmly and forgave him right away saying that I would be a support to him however he needed me to be.

Yes I maybe coddled him too much by helping find jobs because I'm in the field and have connections, I wanted to help him get back on his feet because that's whT he wanted so badly. It's hard to see someone you love go through such insecurity and depression and not know what you can do to fix their problems. I feel like the anonymous user completely depicted me incorrectly and none of those assumptions are true.

I love him very much to this day and I agree that maybe I was too hands on and controlling, but I am so apologetic for it.

I realize I have made mistakes, I just wanted what was best for him but realized that I wasn't listening to his wishes. I have tried to deal with his lies and frustration and anger as best and calmly as possible. Ivr never made him feel guilty or bad about how he's treated me, and I'm genuinely worried about his depression.

I just want to know if no contact now will help him forget my mistakes and if there's a chance that he'll talk to me again.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (9 January 2017):

chigirl agony auntIm sorry to say this, but this is what happens when you don't accept a break up. He broke up with you several months ago, and you refused to listen. He is not your boyfriend, he finds your calls and messages annoying and like harrassing him, he would rather spend his time and energy on talking to other people and you annoy him by now. He is not your boyfriend, you've been reduced to a clingy girl who doesn't want to take no for an answer.

He wants you gone, and he's run out of ways to get you out of his life, so now he's resorted to ghosting you and simply trying to avoid you and hoping you will take the hint. Because telling you point blank he wants to end it didn't work.

Don't feel so bad, when we're in love of course we want to hold on to that dream and be happy again like we were at the beginning of a relationship. But you NEED to open your eyes and be a big girl now. When a man tells you it's over, IT IS OVER. You need to accept this. This whole "fighting for your love" is just a load of Hollywood bullshit. It's not real life. You're NOT SUPPOSED TO CHASE the ones who do not want you! If a man wants you, he will show it. Simple as that. When a man doesn't want you, you need to leave and not try to convince him to be with you or pretend you are in a Hollywood movie. Things will not ever work out okay once one person in a relationship has tried to end it. Always respect the wishes of the other person in the relationship. If they want out, you need to let them go.

So, let him go.

You will find someone else. It was 6 months, not 6 years. You will not have a hard time finding someone else, but if you keep clinging to a guy who doesn't want you, you will miss out on many opportunities to be with a man who WANTS to be with YOU. Let this one go, and find someone who wants you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

I see this rather differently to the other advice.

When he lost his job you said 'this threw me for a loop'. What does that mean? Did you shout at him? This sounds like a phrase covering for you losing your temper with him.

Is that right?

Then you forgave him. For what? Did he lose his job or become unemployed on purpose. If he lost it, then what are you forgiving him for?

'I tried my best to help him with opportunities'. Hmmmm. You are sounding controlling now. I've heard this phrase before, when it means that maybe you were trying to control the situation and get him to go to job interviews instead of leaving him to it, like the grown man he is. I apologise if I'm wrong.

Then he started to want your help less and less. So would I if I were him.

He tried to finish it with you, but you convinced him to stay in contact and see how things went. I could never try and keep someone attached to me if they had said they wanted to go. Again, this sounds controlling.

'I would have outbursts during the calls asking what was going on and if things were going to get better' My oh my. You sound rather crazy and very controlling.

He started to try to pull away from you. You kept texting and texting. He told you that you were suffocating him and you responded with 'I was worried for your safety'. Rubbish. You were worried he was trying to slip away. And you were doing your best to stop him.

He has now stopped contacting you altogether. And you ask 'Will no contact even work in this situation?' I'm sorry, but what does that even mean?

He has stopped contacting you because he wants to have no contact with you.

I'm saying this because I really think you need to look at your own behaviour in this and future relationships so you don't scare the next guy away.

You sound as if you think you have a right to control this man's life and how it goes. You can't even accept that he wants no contact from you and wonder if it will work with no contact?? You sound delusional. He's already gone. I don't want to be horrible, but I really don't blame him.

I would hate to have someone in my life who was thrown for a loop when I lost my job, was so involved in my looking for another one, not letting me go when I want to go, bombarding me with texts and calls and shouting at me down the phone.

Ask yourself this behaviour something YOU would want from a future partner?

I understand that it hurts when you want someone and they don't want you, but you can't force and bully someone to like you. It has the very opposite effect as you've found out.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to be someone who the other person can't wait to see. Who is fun, supportive, brings joy to their lives, not shouting and demands. I would say that you have behaved in the exact opposite way that's required to sustain a happy and supportive relationship. You seem to not be able to 'see' the other person. Think about how things that you say and ways in which you behave would impact them. He sounded very nice and patient with you to begin with.

Contrary to other advice, I really think you need to work on yourself before trying for another relationship.

Good luck

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2017):

N91 agony auntThe more you message him the further and further away youre pushing him. Neediness is NOT attractive in the slightest. If he's not responding, what can you do? Leave him to it.

Why are YOU begging HIM for forgiveness? What have you done wrong? Absolutely nothing so have some self respect. Do you really think you're likely to marry someone who won't even speak to you?

He is NOT what you're looking for, you shouldn't be put through this by someone youre looking to build a future with so it's evident this man isn't the one for you.

You need to move on with your life and stop contacting him.

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A female reader, NORA B Ireland +, writes (9 January 2017):

This is very difficult for you, and in all you have done your best in understanding him.going with the flow to suit him.I can also understand why you are confused,because this guy is giving you mixed signs.Be gentle with yourself..WISH THIS GUY ALL THE BEST FOR HIS FUTURE,AND MOVE ON.Because it takes 2 to be in a relationship and with this guy YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.He needs to sort himself out first to even have a friendship with someone..never mind a romance.Best wishes NORA B.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntFirst of all.. you guys were rushing it. 4 months into an LDR and you talk marriage? WAY WAY rushing it.

Second of all, if he has issues like anxiety you trying to "help" isn't helping him. He needs help YOU CAN NOT give him.

ACCEPT that he doesn't WANT to be on "break" from you, and he doesn't WANT to date you either. He can't emotionally and mentally handle having a relationship.

YOU need to wish him luck, wish him well and CUT HIM OFF. Then YOU need to move on.

You are ( as Auntie SVC would call it) trying to date a guy for his potential, not for who he is. And that doesn't work. Not for you and CERTAINLY not for him.

If you are looking for a life-partner, a future husband, HE isn't it.

You can't carry on a relationship with him ALL by yourself, and HE isn't interested in a relationship. Not now and not with you. HE needs to work on himself and YOU need to move on.

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