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My boyfriend is so possessive it's scary

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Question - (6 January 2005) 27 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2013)
A , anonymous writes:

I have a great boyfriend who loves me very much, but sometimes it is scary how possessive he is. He doesn't want me to go hang out with my friends because he is not included. He questions me like a drill sergeant about everything! I don't know what to do. Should I stay and try to help him control his jealousy problem? or should I just say enough is enough? Please help!

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A female reader, CHIK Ireland +, writes (11 January 2013):

Hey hi, Reading this took me to my past life.

It was almost for 10 years we had relationship. We loved each other. When i started loving him he seemed like a hero..Mr.Perfect every word felt like he cared for me but thats not the case. he being protective seemed like He loves me..never felt like he controlled me.

This freaky guys gives every reason saying they do all this because they love you. he did love me but dealing with him gradually became impossible made life so miserable and again we had obstacles marrying (caste problem). so made a decision to leave him and got married to a wonderful person. he really cares and have given me full freedom and encouraged me to do what I want, made me feel so lucky I'm. I dont feel like cheating him at all.

In fact if a person trust u and love u, u would not cheat him.

The only regret I have is not leaving my boyfriend but not taking action sooner.

Try to correct them if they dont realize it quite relationship as early as u can so that u wont waste their time nor urs. U never know u might find a better person. Watch this movie Reviving Ophelia link is below;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBF-SMQ-vm4.

U would learn better how to do deal situation like this.

thats all i can say. All the best!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):

ya your situation is truely very bad because im too experiencing the same if you love him so much always be true to him say everything what you do the whole day that night and keep on saying that you truely love him and your always true to him. Make him realize that he is hurting you and care for him madly which makes him to believe you. all the best hope the good. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008):

my boyfriend is scarily possesive too..we are ina long distance relationship and this has made him even more possesive i cut off with so many guys because he doesnt want me to speak,i do not go out any where excpt college,i do not speak to any guys because he goes mad when i do...and i just cant be without him which makes it all the more difficult for me to tell him anything..because he has a horrible temper and i dont want me telling him anything to be the reason for any more fights in our relation..pls tell me what to do

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

It's not gonna get better, just get out as soon as you can unless you really like being questioned like the way he does.

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A female reader, Boocy Bosnia and Herzegovina +, writes (15 April 2008):

I'm sorry for your father and friend! the thing is, we're not together anymore, i couldn't take it anymore, he started blaming me for everything - why am i sad, why m i happy.. we broke up and he's with his ex now, he said she was perfect.. i don't know how to handle it but i'm trying.. thanks you anyway

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

I know I'm very late on this, but here goes... I'm currently in the same situation. I've been with an amazingly talented, model-esque, musician/poet/perfect-on-paper sensitive type for four years now who happens to be possessive to a ridiculous extent. This amazing looking guy has NO apparent reasons for insecurity, but he most certainly IS! I can tell you that I don't feel that this type will change much without being shown some consequence to ignite the change.

My fiance has definitely improved over time, but at the same time my life has changed dramatically - I rarely see my friends, and when I do he always finds a reason to argue and give me hell. I can't leave the house, he texts/calls every five minutes and can't make a decision on which hand to wipe his ass with without consulting me first {I feel that this is just in his trying to find any excuse to call}. I'm a loyal, empathetic, devoted and strong woman, but there's only so much I can take. I've recently lost both my father and a best friend {they've both passed away}, and what I've come to realize is this: life's far too short to wait around and place your life on hold to hold someone's hand through life.

If you're not who you want to be; if you're unhappy and feel blocked and held back as I do then it's irrelevant how 'nice' he is. My advice {which I'm trying to work up the nerve to follow} is this: let him know that you're serious - you want to talk and NOW... explain how you feel and if he doesn't like it, then WALK! Not trying to sound cold, but how many years must we sacrifice for someone else's insecurities that have NOTHING to do with us??

If you cheated -sure, you need to earn that trust BUT, when does HE decide to take the responsibility necessary for wanting to continue the relationship with you after the incident?? If you didn't do anything to initiate the behavior then you shouldn't have to shoulder the burden for someone who's unwilling to to whatever it takes to make reparations for his own sake, let alone your sanity... point being this: you only live once. Try to put yourself first every now and then. This is my umpteenth possessive/abusive relationship... if you're unhappy, then you have your answers.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008):

i came here to look for help, I don't know what to do. I'm 25 and I've been with my bf for 10 years now. we love each other very much but we're very different, he grew up in a problematic family and he has a lot of issues of his own (although he doesn't realize it). on the other way, my family is great, I'm an only child and i had all the freedom of the world to do whatever i want, but i never used it in a bad way. We have broken up a zillion times, and we argue all the time, i really can't imagine my life without him and i feel i'm stuck. he can be so great and these moments keep me beside him, but i got tired of his jealousy and his possessiveness. i've talked to him every day but he keeps telling me that it's ok not to go out with my friends if he wants to because i'd do it for his love, i can't do everything just to please myself, etc. i have to ask for his permission to go out, first he didn't allow me but after e few arguments, he "allows" me although he minds it, and even then i have to send him messages all the time, tell him where am i, i can't stay out late, etc. when i come back he asks me million times what happened? were there any boys, etc. i have to call when i go home after work and if i don't call for half an hour since i left work he call and asks where am i. he doesn't like my girlfriends whom he doesn't know very well and doesn't allow me to go out with them.. it's just that i'm not the party girl, but i don't like staying at the house, i won't do anything bad, i'm 25yrs old, working, independent, i graduated, i don't ask my mum for permission and i don't think i should ask him. i really love him but i can't stand it anymore, is it impossible to have a relationship where you can be free? i mean, if you can't be with me (we live now in two cities, 50km away) let me do whatever i want. he didn't want me to move but he eventually accepted and reminds me every day how generous he was. i'm tired of arguing and constant questioning, i can't prove that he doesn't have a reason not to believe me (last summer we broke up, i was on the edge of a nervous brake down and i went a couple of times with another guy, we just kissed, there wasn't sex involved and he has never forgiven me, he keeps throwing it into my face, although for the first 6 years of our "relationship" he had a lot of girls but always kept coming back to me, i'd forgive him, all my friends told me i was crazy, my parents don't like him because i was coming back home with tears in my eyes, i was depressed for months, lost 10kg, etc. i don't have any lovely memory from that time) but after that he really changed, he proved that to me, he got serious, he thinks of me as of his wife, he has realized what have i done for him, but now i got different kind of hell. i don't know what to do. once we broke up because some drunk guys were standing at our table (me and my friends) and asked me if i'm free. i told him not and turned my head, later i told him, he wanted to kill him, then he blamed me why i didn't leave the table, i told him the guy was friendly, he didn't insist, he totally freaked out! he said that no one has right to talk to his girlfriend, and that it was my fault. i really love him but it is impossible to be with him any longer, i'm afraid that i'll make the biggest mistake of my life if i leave him, but i started to lose my friends, nobody calls me anymore because they don't want to cause me trouble. my friends are guilty because i had a bf last summer and i cheated him although we weren't together, he says they made me do it because i am different when i'm with them. it's true my friends don't like him because they see me crying and unhappy all the time, but NO ONE can made me do sth if i don't want it, it's ridiculous! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. if someone wonders how could i stand it for so long, i've just taken the better option - it's better to have him anyway than to be without him. everybody wonders where i find strength to go on, but it's just too much... please help me.. i'm really desperate, i never had any other relationship (longer than 2-3 weeks) and i don't know how a relationship should look like? should you change yourself in order to please that other person? am i too "free"?

hank you..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008):

I have a boyfriend who wanted to know if I have other guy friends. I told him, "no, just you." I think he's on the verge of being possessive. I haven't talked to him in 3 months because my family thinks he's bad for me and won't allow me to contact him. This time away has given me a lot of thinking time about him and how he behaves. I haven't been with him enough to know if he is controlling for sure, but so far it looks like he just is possessive. Someone who loves you is not possessive. They trust you and give you the freedom you already have. That's a Loving relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008):

I am, sort of, in the same situation (as most of the writers before me).

I am engaged to my boyfriend and have not had a really serious argument for several months now. Not until I went out for lunch with my officemates and he got mad when I told him about it evening of that same day. I had not texted him about it because it was just lunch and there were girls in the group and I intended to tell him about it after work (when we meet).

I have searched the internet for tips on how to handle this situation and stumbled upon this "forums".

Then I realized that my boyfriend's behavior wasn't that bad (compared to the other situations in this thread).

I love him with all of my heart and I accept this behavior and I'm willing to endure and continuously try to correct him for the rest of our married life.

Sure, we can't force people to change, but time and love together, have some really miraculous effects on stubborn people. =)

Understand that this kind of attitude, most of the time, is not the kind of behavior they would also think is bad if they saw other people doing it. But sometimes, when they're there.. at that moment... with an opportunity to be controlling... they forget and commit the same mistake they thought other people shouldn't be doing as well.

But when it starts being destructive (physically, mentally and emotionally)... If you couldn't handle it anymore... Please leave the relationship. Even if you love him.... Follow your brain when that time comes and not your heart... That's why our head is on top of our shoulders (above the heart).

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007):

if you really love him you will help him but if he is like it sound and he really does love you but you think that its scary what he does dont even lead him on just say your to protective and i need my space but if he comes around after that then ler him back in.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

I'm here looking at these responses because im possessive of my girlfriend... ex girlfriend...

i notice that many have written, "he seems to care about you at least" or statements along those lines..

as a possessive guy of course we care.. we wouldn't be possessive if we didn't...

but the thing is, being possessive is something i didn't even really notice i was doing until my relationship was gone.. and at that stage you take a big step back and really see that you majorly ruined everything

but i stuffed my relationship up anyway.. but perhaps we need to lose what we love to learn a lesson..

seems that way..

possessiveness is not worth it in the long run...

but i can tell you all this.. if u have a boyfriend who's possessive he almost definitely loves you like the world is ending.. honestly.. he does..

make him see before u kick him down... if he stuffs up after that than do what u have to do..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007):

Hmmmm, im in the same situation myself but you could say that i brought it on myself. I got with my boyfriend when i was very young and we have been together for 6 years. He is older than me and had 'heavy' relationships with older women before me...I messed around abit (not sleeping around!) just gave my number out, stupid things really but i always got caught. Now it seems that everything i want to do i cant uneless he is involed or we argue all the time. If you havent given your boyfriend a reason to distrust you-you have aproblem, but if you have i guess you have to earn that trust back...just like me! Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007):

don't run off.... stay and work it out. anyway, half the population is possessive, and most are overtly so. who knows, the next guy in the line can be worse. help your boyfriend understand you, your need for space in the relationship. once he has full faith in your love for him, he will outgrow his flaws.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007):

mine says to me "you can't go to xxx if i'm not going!!"

answer?

go anyway.

do whatever you want,when you want., with whoever you want to, and pretty soon he'll get the message that he can't control you.

you're your own person and he wanted to go out with that person, not own her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007):

Your boyfriend sounds like a prat! Not being rude but if he trusts and loves you he would let you spend time with your friends! We all need time away from our partners even if that means there 'not included.' Once a week have coffee with you girly friends or go out for a girl day/night! It will do you both good. If he still get like this then tell him to 'hit the road jack...'

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007):

My daughter is presently in a relationship like you describe. As we live in different parts of the country we only see her every couple of months, but can see the change this possessive boyfriend has made in her, mentally and physically. When we suggested she talk to a therapist he somehow talked her into letting him go along, so she did not get a chance to talk to the therapist alone, so he was there for the two visits she had.

We did not recognize her when we picked her up at the airport last week - she is usually beautiful and glowing, but he has told her not to cut her hair anymore and it is long and stringy, and her face kind of vacant, for lack of a better word.

She had come home to be in a friend's wedding, and we noticed he physically held onto her by the arm or dress most of the time. When she started out to join other single girls on the dance floor for the throwing of the bouquet, he pulled her back toward him, although eventually she did get out there.

My point is, I think she cannot see what he is doing to her and it is frightening. If she tries to object to his behavior, he gives her the silent treatment until she comes around to his way of thinking. When I talked to him about this he said it happens with a lot of his friends, and they eventually come around to his way of thinking and then are "best buds" again, which tells me he has no intention of changing, even when this is pointed out to him.

I hope you will run and in time will be able to look back on what a bad relationship it is when you have a possessive boyfriend - as we are hoping for her. It really does not have to be like this and there are guys out there that can love you without being this way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007):

The first step is for him to admit that he has a problem. Then, suggest getting him some counseling for his possessiveness and jealousy issues. I also had a possessive boyfriend, and it took me many months to realize that he was bringing me down with him. He was cutting me off from my friends, family, etc. He constantly bought me gifts, jewlery, and did favors for me. When we broke up, he took all the gifts back...as a means of controlling me. They were never really mine to being with...they were still HIS property. He always wanted to be included in everything that I did. He was insecure when I talked and hanged out with my friends. He was constanly looking for compliments, and would ask me, "Am I a good boyfriend for doing this?" He constantly needed reassurance, "Do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me?" He would call me and text me about 10 times a day, even when I asked him to stop. He is still in counseling to this day. There is help available for him and often it can take years to work through. You have two choices to be beside him and work through this with him and counseling or leave him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006):

I have a boyfriend just like yours. he never wants me to leave his sight. i cant even shop by myself, i cant even go out with my dad without him knowing..its that bad ! we have been going out for 2 years now. i even question if i shud leave him or should i stay? which one ? well, it depends on how much you love that person. are u really willing to give up on him ? can u picture your life without him? what is his importance to you in your life? these are the questions you have to ask yourself. if you find it hard to leave him but you want him to tone down a little bit, then you have make it straight forward to him " I want you to stop being possessive, just trust and love me like you should". Speak your mind. you have every right to tell him how things should be when you are in a situation like this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006):

I think that you should stay with him and continue to let him no how you feel....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005):

it's werid because i too have a bf, who is lovely but ask me all the time where i am and what iam doing, he tries not to get angry but doesnt like it when i go out and can make my life v difficult. i wonder y sometimes i am with him!"! i love him or is it him who is makin me love him... i dunoo!! but i know where ur comin from... i needly split with him before, i dont know if u sud leave him the question is will he change!?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005):

hello.. i also have the same situation like yours. my boyfriend also loves me but always gets jelouse all the time. he always tell me to go home early everytime i go to town and not to go out if not needed. i only can go out when i am with parents, or to visit him because he is a cadet, and go out with my good friends. he dont advice me to go out with my freaky friends. i always need to put my cellphone beside me to answer his txt right away. he tells me what school i should go in. and i am not allowed for piano classes anymore. and i should not look at any guy or even look at the eyes of his friends while talking with them..this and that.. then i asked him why he is like that. then he told me that he made a lot of mistakes in the past and now he do not want his so called "bad karma" be into me. he told me that he made a lot of girls cry and really been cheater thats why sometimes he thinks that it will happen to him. and he did prioritize me than his friends even his mistah's or batchmate in the academy and thats why he also expects something from me that i should do for him. boys especially when they love you really wants to be prioritized over your friends and activities. well maybe he just loves you so much. just show him that he should really trust you. and maybe he just cares about you so much. try talking with him. if there is no understanding and faith in one another.. well, there is no love there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2005):

uh yeah . what is sad when i am 8 years older and this went on for 10 years! i never moved in with him or married him but was still controlled. i look back and am so ashamed and embarrassed. this relationship caused me so much heartache

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005):

I have the same problem myself and I am convinced it is not going to get any better. If you dig deep enuf, you will probably find he is a compulsive liar and is also trying to slowly seclude you from your family, friends and work activities. you will probably, like me, finally wake up one day and realize nobody visits you anymore and nobody invites you to their get-togethers because they don't want him around. does he have any friends? what are his work and family relations like? take a big look at the big picture. you may want to take a big run!! good luck!

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A reader, Sphinx, writes (9 January 2005):

Girl,

I know from experience that if he's been hurt before, and you're showing a lot of the same attributes as the girl or girls that hurt him. He's going to worry. Everyone wants to be unique, but the simple fact is that we're not. If he had a girlfriend that talked sexually with her "friends" and wouldn't (or couldn't) let him be a part of it, then she cheated on him. And say now, you're doing the same. Even though, you have no intention of cheating. Don't you think that he'd get scared? What if the table's were turned? How would you react? I have two options to suggest...

1. Stop whatever you are doing that freaks him out (IF he's told you that you're doing something and olf g/f did, which led to the hurt. Within reason of course)

2. Perhaps it's time to move on. You both deserve better. He deserves someone that he can trust. Someone that doesn't lead him to think that there's even the slightest possiblity of her cheating. And you deserve someone that can trust you with all your little quirks. Say you talk rather sexually with your friends, and he's insecure about it and has told you so but you don't stop. Or at the very least try to curb it (weather or not he's around) That shows him you don't care. The choice is yours.

ALWAYS look at it from both sides. Maybe you think it's okay, but the rest of the world doesn't... Understand?

Good luck.

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (7 January 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntHi there,

It's hard to tell, from your letter, what's so "great" about your boyfriend. He sounds like he thinks that he owns you and can give you orders about where you can go and who you can see! What's great about that?

Only you can decide whether his other qualities make up for what is, in my opinion, a complete lack of respect for your individuality. My first instinct is to shout "RUN! RUN!", because controlling boyfriends, do not, as a rule, ever get less controlling. They tend to get *more* controlling, until they are telling you when you can see your family, what job you can work at, what you can wear when you go out, what makeup you can and can't use... Ad infinitum.

Another reader suggested - and I agree - that you can ask him why he's so jealous of your other friends. Maybe, MAYBE, he is unaware of his outbursts and would be willing to control them, but you want action from him, not just promises for the future.

Do you behave differently with your other friends than with him? Maybe he's afraid that you're having more fun with them than you do with him. Reassure him that your having outside interests besides him doesn't jeopardise your relationship with him and ask him to show a bit more respect for you. If you don't insist on that, and soon, there's a good chance that there will be more and more control issues between you, with his demands escalating over time.

Ask yourself these questions: 1. Does he have a history of controlling his girlfriends? If so, why would he want to change? 2. If the b/f never changes his ways, how long would you be willing to put up with being questioned like a drill sergeant over every outing? 3. Wouldn't it be much nicer to have a "great" boyfriend who enjoyed not just your company, but your other friends' too? Someone who's happy just as long as you're having fun?

I suggest: cut him loose.

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A reader, karen, writes (6 January 2005):

This is a tricky one, its great that he feels the way he does about you, its what we all need. However, his possesiveness could also damage what you have as well. Have you tried to talk to him about why he feels so possesive? Has he has a bad relationship in the past and treated badly?

being possesive is often caused by this and he may just need a little reassurance.

Tell him how you feel, perhaps allow him to join you sometimes, just so he can see that he has nothing to worry about.

Expalin to him how it is making you feel, and that you both need your space and to keep in contact with friends. Remind him that absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.

See how you get on.

Good luck

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A reader, Tish , writes (6 January 2005):

You said "I have a great boyfriend who loves me very much", do you love him??? Jealousy is one thing, control is another. He needs to know that you lead your own life and if he can't handle that then kick him to the curb.

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