A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He just doesn't care about me anymore. He just told me 2 nights ago he loves me, and I believe in some weird way he does but he doesn't show it anymore. He hardly texts, hardly calls and hardly wants to spend any time with me. When we do spend time together it's amazing. He told me last time I saw him, which was 10 days ago, that he'd had such a great time with me and couldn't wait to see me again. He'd text me he loved me before even making it home. Therefore I thought when we parted everything was okay.He goes missing for days on end and it will be 3 or 4 days that I won't hear from him. When he comes back around he tells me not to bitch because I hadn't made any attempt to contact him either. I'm sick of chasing him so I've stopped doing so. If he goes missing for 3 days, I just let him and then when he comes back around I bitch about it and still stay with him, so it keeps repeating. He isn't cheating on me, but he's tired of the drama in our relationship and doesn't enjoy me as much as he used to. I feel the same. I'm exhausted and sometimes can't stand him but also love him and can't imagine being without him. He flat out told me last time I saw him that sometimes he doesn't want to deal with me so he'll go hang with his friends instead of telling me he's off work early. He said there's times he wants to be home alone, or watching tv or doing anything rather than arguing with me or going through the same bullshit. The only problem we're having right now, and the only thing we're fighting about, is him being distant and neglecting me yet he doesn't do anything to change the issue.I'm just feeling really sad today. He thinks it's okay to neglect me and blow me off to go do other things. He can't call, text or see me because he's "too busy" working yet he seems to have time for other people/and or activities. I work full time and have 2 children from a previous marriage, however I'm *always* here for him. If he needs me I go running. He just doesn't care anymore. He contacted me 2 nights ago, after not wanting to see me for 8 days after I tried, saying he loves me. We text back and forth about 6 texts, he sent the last one and I've said nothing since. I feel like I'm doing all the work lately and he's just here when he chooses to be. He could spend time with me, he doesn't want to. He could call or text me more, he doesn't choose to. If I don't contact him he will eventually send me some short bullshit text to basically see if I'm still "waiting". I'm just frustrated because when I do actually see him everything goes so well and I feel like things will work themselves out but they don't. He does the same distant, neglectful, missing bullshit every time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): Never listen to what people SAY, always watch what they DO.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 June 2014):
It's not your job to take care of him, he's a grown man. If he wants to neglect you that's his right and he has to live with the potential consequences. If you stay with him you'll always be unhappy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, let me add that he's also the type that doesn't need someone in his life. He's 36, slept with 8 women (including me) and most of them pursued him. He would be fine living his life single. I don't know if that has something to do with how he behaves or not.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2014):
 What do you mean by "go missing"? After 4 years, that should be impossible, right? You know where he works? You know where he lives? You know what he does with his free time and where he likes to spend it?? Sounds like you do, or I'd be concerned he had an entire second life out there with someone else.
It does not bode well when he flat out tells you that he has to get away from you, calls your time together "drama" and so on. You may not believe this, but you "not chasing him" is you chasing him even harder and more desperately.
Seriously. You need to let that sink in. You're chasing him now. You're playing the "If I get distant, he'll want to be around me more" game with him, which in itself is chasing him even harder.
The *only* way you stop chasing him is to end the relationship. I think what you're afraid of is that if you do end it, he'll shrug and not miss you. That very well could happen, but there's the real problem. Your inability to face the reality without him is his leverage. You need to cut your losses and find someone else, because you're in your 30's, wasted 4 years with him, and it's not going to get any better.
You are in a rut. He's not missing because you know where he is. He doesn't care that you think that he's neglecting you, but in reality, you're neglecting yourself. Do you her me? You're neglecting yourself. YOU are responsible for your happiness or sadness. YOU are responsible for finding someone who will cherish you. YOU are the master of your own life. YOU neglect yourself by waiting and pining and stressing and accepting his teacup size of affection he doles out to keep you on the string.
The sooner you get mad at yourself for putting up with this, the sooner you will change your condition for the better, because he won't, and getting mad at him accomplishes nothing.
You have kids. You have a life. Stop acting like you don't and take charge. You are deceived if you think that he holds your happiness. Time to disengage emotionally from him, and not merely pretend to. Time to move on. The relationship is past its expiration date.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I say we have a great time, it doesn't mean sex. He will actually take me out on a, paid for by him, date and treat me like he always did. Once I leave, he's distant and doesn't feel the need to keep in touch. I've talked to him about this repeatedly and he says the same thing when it happens; "you didn't text me either" "you didn't message me either".
He could saw me over this past weekend, and last week, for sex but he sat at home playing facebook games until 3am instead. Like I said, I know he isn't with anyone else so I don't see why he just won't make some effort. I actually told him Saturday night to just move on with his life if that's what he really wants. Then he turned around and made contact with me 2 nights ago. He has a history of this, though. He disappeared on his ex's like this and they ALL cheated on him as a result. I haven't. I'm just sick of this altogether. I feel bad for him at the same time 'cause I know this guy has never had anyone give a shit about him, no one. His family abandoned him when he was a child so I try so hard to show him love and be here for him, but I can't do that 'cause he isn't around to let me.
I feel like sometimes he tests my love and loyalty to him by pushing me away.. if I cheat I'm like everyone else and don't love him. If I stay it proves how much I really care... yet he doesn't realize how this makes me feel unloved and abandonded. I don't know what to do here. :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 June 2014):
 He has already left the relationship a long time ago, but... because he hasn't found someone else.... he calls you up here and there gives you "hope" by saying I love you, gets some sex and company from you then he is sated and leave you be for another few days til he gets another ithc.
I'm sorry, I get why you stopped chasing him. However, maybe you should have TOLD him why, not presumed he would get the hint. And as it turned out it bit you on the arse instead of helped. Because he is USING you not calling as a reason why he shouldn't call either. It's childish.
HE IS stringing you along, baiting you occasionally with the "I love you" and you suck it up and take the bite.
Why not tell him you two need sit down and then talk it out, either break up if you can't find a compromise or FIND a compromise. TALK it out.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I wonder if this phrase is the key to your submittal:
"....When we do spend time together it's amazing. "
Does that mean, "we have sex"???
'Cuz, if it does, then the answer to your question is this:
YOU are having (or, hoping to have) a "relationship." HE is getting you to put out. For a guy, this latter is all that matters.
If you want to get away from "..the same distant, neglectful, missing bullshit..." then make that final split from him, and get on with your life. Otherwise, keep going as you are doing, now, and pray that things will, magically, get better. (Hint: they won't.)
Good luck....
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