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Boyfriend falls for fake dating site profile, how to confront him?

Tagged as: Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 May 2009) 13 Answers - (Newest, 18 November 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *eeca writes:

Hi there

I need some advice please.

I met this guy on an internet dating site we have been together about 3 and a half months and it was going well until I realised he was still checking the site everyday, I was doing this as well but I deleted my account after 2 months however he was still going on. We never said something about casual relationship so I thought we were exclusive from the start.

I decided to set up a fake profile with pictures and called myself "Sandra", sandra didnt even have to contact him after a day of the profile being active he sent her a message.

Sandra kept sending messages to him until last week he asked if she wanted to meet up - no mention he was attached or anything. Sandra said yes and he has asked about dates.

Meanwhile, I have been seeing him keeping up appearences and sleeping with him as normal however now I wish to confront him.

Should I just print off the evidence I have and show him? I have not been snooping on his phone or emails this is the only evidence I have but i feel this is enough to show he is willing to have his cake and eat it?

Any more advice?

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A male reader, elyng United States +, writes (18 November 2010):

Just break up with him, it's that simple. Even after the confrontation, do you really think he will change? Hello, he's a dog, and that's what you find a lot of in those sites. You need to learn how to tell if they are dogs. And you did that, you determined he is a dog, so you drop him. NOW

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

What you have here is an uncommitted relationship. I see nothing wrong with this as 3 and a half months is a new relationship and you admit here that you made an assumption because he didn't say anything about a casual relationship and that you assumed you were exclusive.

The guy has not asked you for exclusivity and apparantly you have not told him what you expect or what you want.

He may think you are doing the same thing.

You have made the mistake of thinking that just because a man is sleeping with you that he is in love with you, exclusive with you and he has never said those words to you. To him you all are just dating.

I like the idea of not telling him at all about what you have done because he isn't going to like it, you found out where you stood because you know in your heart that you have a weak foundation. We all have made the mistake of sleeping with a guy too soon, without commitment but we can't make the mistake of thinking that he owes us the commitment just because we are having casual sex with him...he may like you very much but is not ready to commit.

If you like him then stop being available and acting as if you are a girlfriend who needs to check up on him and start dating other men yourself.

Until a guy actually asks you to marry him in his mind he is still just dating you and he could go date someone else or not marry you at all and break up with you. So in my mind being a girlfriend is a trap. You can be sexually exclusive with a guy, but if he hasn't put a ring on it then you are open to have as many male friends as you want and to even go out on an outing with another guy, but if you promise sexual fidelity then of course you need to honor that. Men want what they have to work for.....just look at how hard they work to buy the toys and cars that they value.....Be of high value and focus on you and do the things you love to do and don't concern yourself so much with him being with another date, go out on some yourself.

If you don't want him dating other women then tell him he stands the chance of losing you forever because you aren't looking for a boyfriend you are looking for happily ever after.....and then be strong and focus on you. Getting angry and confronting him will not get you what you want now will it. Tell him how you feel, and then let him make his own decisions, you can't control what he does any way.

I don't think he did anything wrong, but it would have been nice if he told you that he was still dating others, but he probably likes you and doesn't want to lose you, so use that to your advantage and tell him you don't do well with men having other girlfriends or dates besides you. You are the prize here that he has to work to keep you, never forget that. Keep your heart open and accept him as he is, but set your boundaries and set them now or later you won't be able to do so.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

Some women can handle having sex while dating but it's obvious that you want to be in a relationship which is understandable. To him, this is casual and he's not a mind reader and he never said that you guys are only seeing each other so I don't think it's really cool to confront him like he's done something wrong. Communication is really important and you can't just assume someone is on the same page as you. He's playing the field and acting single so he's not ready for a relationship or he just hasn't found the right person. If it bothers you, just have a talk with him and tell him you are at the point where you are ready to make that commitment and see what he says. If he says he wants only you, then you know he's a liar and not someone you want to be involved with. If he says he's not ready, then tell him you will continue to see him but aren't willing to be intimate with him until he makes up his mind or is ready. Date other guys if this is the case.

You are not crazy for creating that profile but it did tell you where you stand in the relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

Whether you agree or not with the advice or think people are taking his side, the fact is, this isn't an exclusive relationship. He's actively seeking out other women to date so he's not serious about you. The only question is what you want to do with this information. You confronting him or not confronting him doesn't change the reality that he is wanting to meet other women to date even though the two of you are having sex. You can spend a lot of time creating fake profiles and analyzing it all but it doesn't change anything. The guy wants other women. You can talk with him about it and ask for a commitment but seriously, doesn't really sound like he's in commitment mode with you. If he wanted an exclusive relationship, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing- actively spending time trolling for women. Sure, confront him and get angry and show him the evidence but where will that get you? Whatever he says in response doesn't change the fact that you've been together, having sex, and that apparently wasn't what you thought it was.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

he is a loser, a f...in' loser. let him go on that date, meet him, and act casual about it. pretend you are sandra and dont even know him, when he says something along the lines like, are you crazy. tell him no, i honestly dont know you. you lied, you ommitted truths from me, and i was really curious who would be the guy id meet tonight, you or the real you?

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A female reader, Reeca United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2009):

Reeca is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Reeca agony auntI dont agree with the answer about me assuming it was exclusive.

I dont think Im crazy either, many people have done this before and find out what is going on in their relationship so sorry Im not listening to your advice cos I dont agree with it and I think your taking his side.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009):

Making a fake profile to fish for messages from him is sort of entrapment on your part, but at the very least it demonstrates that the two of you need to sit down and have a serious chat about where the relationship stands and where you see it going. I suspect you will be out a boyfriend once you confront him about this, but it's probably for the best since the two of you seem to have different priorities with regards to commitment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009):

how about setting up the actual date and then SANDRA APPEARS - ONLY ITS YOU. THEN YOU HAVE PROOF THAT HE CAN NOT DISPUTE.

otherwise he will make excuses...he has taken the bait, but you need to be sure whether he actually does pitch up for the date. you need to make sure you have 100% evidence and what better way than on the date with him and "sandra".

so perhaps set up the date within the next few days so that you do not have to keep up appearances any longer.....maybe you can start making excuses so that you do not have to force yourself to have sex with him while he is contemplating cheating. to catch him, you need to be wise.

yet another internet dating game gone wrong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009):

I think the problem here is that you assumed you were exclusive just because you were sleeping with him. The fact is, he's done nothing wrong and since you aren't in a committed relationship, he can date who he wants. I would just take the information you found and let that show you where your relationship stands, not tell him or confront him. You can't really push a guy or confront a guy into commitment so sneaking around creating fake profiles to bust him just makes you look obsessive and a bit crazy. I can understand the confusion you must have had, sleeping with a guy and hoping that would make you exclusive but it's obvious he's on a different page than you. I would just back off from the relationship, recreate your profile online and start dating other guys. Let him wonder and if he likes you enough he'll want you off the market, so to speak.

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A female reader, niki20 United States +, writes (23 May 2009):

niki20 agony aunti would just show up and introduce yourself as sandra, thatll make hi, fall flat. he wont /or couldnt really back out of it once he meets her and shes you, theres no way he wouldnt be able to lie then cuz you stoped him / caught him in the act.

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A female reader, AdviceGiverandReceiver United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2009):

You could meet up with him as Sandra and say "Waiting for Sandra?" if you wanted to get even, although I wouldn't advise this. Confront him and ask why he's cyber-cheating on you.

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A female reader, aphexinfinite United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2009):

aphexinfinite agony aunti would confront him and say whats going on. you need to know for your own piece of mind what hes been up to. and what your relationship status is ? you havent been doing anything wrong hes suposed to be with you yet still checking women out so i would bring it up to him and be warey what he says about it too. to me if hes content with you then t heirs no need for such a thing. good luck aphex xx

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A female reader, gemmaxx09 United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2009):

gemmaxx09 agony auntYou should have told him straight away instead of acting as normal but its too late now you need to confront him as soon as possible and ask him how serious he is about your relationship. Its a good thing you didnt snoop he would have prbz chucked that at you, i hope you get the answers u want from him

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