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Boyfriend coming home to look after me, but...

Tagged as: Friends, Health, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 June 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend lives and works overseas and he comes home every 6 weeks or so. The last week I have been very ill and have spent two non-consecutive nights in hospital. He's coming back this weekend to take care of me. His condition, however, is for him to spend one of the two nights he's here out with his friends. My mum has been taking care of me at night (this is when I seem to be worse), but she has to go out of town this weekend and thought it was ok as my boyfriend is going to be back. But I still can't help but feel that he should forget seeing his friends this weekend and look after me...I'm not generally needy, but I've been scared and very ill at night. Just having him there would be amazing. Am I right to be upset if he goes out with his friends, leaving me at home alone? I know he rarely sees them, but he's planning on coming back again in three weeks...

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (22 June 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt Without knowing what illness you've got and how serious it is, I may be off the mark. But the fact that you mention feeling scared at night, and the very fact that your bf put conditions for coming back and taking care of you, makes me think that maybe it's not THAT serious, and maybe , technically, you'd be safe spending a few hours alone, you just don't want to.- It must be in part a psychological thing .more than a medical reason.. I don't think that if you were so ill to NEED 24/7 assistence , your mom would have taken off for the weekend, or your bf would have negotiated the conditions for his return ,... or the hospital would have dismissed you, as for that.

So, if it is not a need, but a want- you may not be needy, but you are wanty :).Your bf has a gf... and a social life too, I think it's fair that he tries to conciliate them, since he has not got the chance to see his friends often, and , I suppose , he would be spending the rest of the weekend by your bedside.

I also suppose that " night out " actually means a few hours and he'd be coming home to sleep. So why don't you just call one of YOUR friends to keep you company until he comes back ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012):

If you really need someone to look after you during the night (if your condition is that serious) you might be safer to be checked into the hospital for that night.

Don't get mad at your boyfriend for wanting to see his friends. he is already offering to look after you for one of those two nights.

if your condition is so serious that it is unsafe for you to be alone for one night, then you should make other arrangements.

If you don't really "need" him to look after you just that it would really help, don't get mad at him for wanting to see his friends.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012):

If you are not a needy person by nature and you usually go 6 weeks between visits. Then its not really too much to ask that he spends a couple of nights with you while you are suffering from an illness. At the end of the day it is up to him how much time he allocates you but for my money a decent guy would want to be with you at a time like this..not with his pals.

If he insists on seeing them, try not to get upset about it. Just invite a friend over for company and to help you out. Getting upset is the last thing you want to do while unwell. So deep breath and take it on the chin for now if he insists on being away one of nights, just call on a friend instead.

Maybe the distance has made him lose a really close connection to you. It might be something you need to talk about once you are back on your feet. But deal with that later, once you are well again. I hope you feel better soon.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012):

I have to agree with your feelings that it is wrong he's putting his friends before you. He's your boyfriend, and he should be there to support you when you appear to need him there the most. His friends don't need him, they just want to see him/he just wants to see them, but it appears you do need him! You say yourself he's "coming back this weekend to take care of me", but then he's not really there to take care of you if he's off out with his mates for that one night. It may only be the one night, but who knows what (god forbid anything awful..) might happen. I note you also say that he's "planning on coming back again in three weeks..." - one would hope that you'd be back to full or nearly full health by then and so you wouldn't need him there as much so you'd perhaps be more willing to let him go out for a night or two with his mates then.

Who knows, when you two see each other again face to face this weekend, perhaps he'll realise how much you need him and change his mind, ending up staying there with you to look after you.

Personally, whilst I don't know the full situation (like what job he does, and how ill you really are), if I was your boyfriend I'd be putting you before my mates by a long shot, especially at a time like this. Part of the reason for that is because I consider myself to be a true gentleman and do my utmost to treat women right, even more so if they're my girlfriend/partner(!), but that's just me...

Not seeking a follow-up to this answer, but if you wish to provide any more details, which I will also follow-up to, then don't hesitate.

Hope you get well soon.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (22 June 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntHm. I guess it would help me if I know what illness you were suffering with.

I'm getting the feeling that he doesn't really think it's all that serious if he's putting 'conditions' on visiting with you. A boys' night out and a night sitting by the sickbed of his beloved.

Something sounds a bit 'off' here, to be honest. "He's coming back this weekend to take care of me." with the exception of a few hours out with his other friends. So you want, need, whatever the urgent call from you may be, you require his presence 24/7 while he's back home? You have no one else who can look after you?

Are you well enough to have his friends over and let them enjoy their time together at your house?

I guess I need to know what it is that is making you feel scared and ill. That may help us understand his view on this too.

Thanks for providing more info!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (22 June 2012):

Aunty BimBim agony auntAccept the fact he is not coming back to look after you and ask another friend or relative to stay the night your boyfriend wont be there.

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