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I think my boyfriend looks at porn... I'm disgusted

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 November 2004) 90 Answers - (Newest, 18 March 2013)
A , anonymous writes:

I may well be over reacting, but i found a visited website address on my partners computer, he told me it was a pop up, but i dont think thats true, because he has had them blocked, as may people do.

We have been together for 5 months, have a great relationship and a fantastic sex life. We have talked very openly about past relationships and i found out that with his last one, they didnt have sex for 2 years so porn and looking after himself was the only sex life that he had.

I was very upset when i spotted this on his pc, i confronted him about it, but he says he dosent look, he dosent need to.

I know i should believe him, but i cant, its made me feel insecure and i feel as though im not good enough for him, if he needs to look at this stuff. I feel its degrading what we have and insulting.

Do you think im over reacting?? Or am i right to feel this way. I am really upset by this and feel silly talking to him about it, i dont want to lose him, but i know im obsessing about this.

I just cant get it from my mind.

Please help.

View related questions: insecure, porn, sex life

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A female reader, Jillbabe91 United States +, writes (18 March 2013):

LEAVE. I was with my boyfriend for a year and we lived together, he always had to watch it every other day and i hated it. I was never enough for him. I even tried having sex everyday with him for him to stop, and pleasuring him. It was exhausting. I told him how much porn hurt me, I have always hated it. I hated the thought of him looking at other naked girls when he said he loved me, to me it was disgusting that he would want to do that. He never quit, just got better at hiding it. One say i said "maybe i should start looking at porn with hot guys in it" and he spit back with "No! Please don't do that to me" Fucked up eh? It got so bad to the point he would lie straight to my face. (this was not the only things he lied about in the past) and finally it got to a point where he would say he didn't want to have sex with me because "he was thinking about waiting till marriage, and he was tired of having a problem being horny and he knew how much porn hurts me so he wanted to see how long he could hold it, and would be proud of himself if he did for a week." and i later found out that whole time he was looking at it and wacking off. So I dumped him. No more pleading and wondering, I left. He can have some other girl deal with him! I am now with a guy who is amazing, and sweet as can be and does not like porn and makes me feel I am enough for him. We have a healthy sex life. All im saying is people don't change for other people, if he knows how much it hurts you and doesn't stop, he does not care. So move on. He'll find some other girl that's probably not as great as you who doesn't care, and in the process be miserable(-:

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A female reader, Jillbabe91 United States +, writes (18 March 2013):

LEAVE. I was with my boyfriend for a year and we lived together, he always had to watch it every other day and i hated it. I was never enough for him. I even tried having sex everyday with him for him to stop, and pleasuring him. It was exhausting. I told him how much porn hurt me, I have always hated it. I hated the thought of him looking at other naked girls when he said he loved me, to me it was disgusting that he would want to do that. He never quit, just got better at hiding it. One say i said "maybe i should start looking at porn with hot guys in it" and he spit back with "No! Please don't do that to me" Fucked up eh? It got so bad to the point he would lie straight to my face. (this was not the only things he lied about in the past) and finally it got to a point where he would say he didn't want to have sex with me because "he was thinking about waiting till marriage, and he was tired of having a problem being horny and he knew how much porn hurts me so he wanted to see how long he could hold it, and would be proud of himself if he did for a week." and i later found out that whole time he was looking at it and wacking off. So I dumped him. No more pleading and wondering, I left. He can have some other girl deal with him! I am now with a guy who is amazing, and sweet as can be and does not like porn and makes me feel I am enough for him. We have a healthy sex life. All im saying is people don't change for other people, if he knows how much it hurts you and doesn't stop, he does not care. So move on. He'll find some other girl that's probably not as great as you who doesn't care, and in the process be miserable(-:

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012):

relationships are built on trust. if you love him trust him, if you dont trust him maybe its not worth it.

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A male reader, Imperator United States +, writes (5 April 2012):

Your partner is mature enough to decide for himself whenether he wants to watch porn. If You can't stand it then TELL HIM THAT. Tell him that you don't want him to look at porn if you really don't want him too. I know you confronted him once but that didn't seem to satisfy you so you reconfirm. And I've noticed with many of the responses "lying is terrible" but invading his privacy and checking his internet history is "a-okay"?

Although I can't see why you find porn so offensive. Yes the objectification of women in a good amount of it can be offensive but the problem most of the people here seem to have is that they feel their man is "Cheating" on them. NO HE IS NOT. He is exercising his right as an adult to watch adult content. His binds to the actress of a porno is about as binding as any connection made with a fictional character, that is the extent of seperation of the real world and porn. It is a form of entertainment stimulating the part of our brain that instictually wants to mate and reproduce to keep the species alive.

If you can't stand porn and for one reason or another the two of you can't reconcile this fact with his porn-watching then you have to ask yourself-which is more important, my relationship or my dislike of porn. And I sincerely hope you realize that an otherwise good relationship is worth so much more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012):

Well, I am a guy in a happy relationship, but maybe I differ in that 1. My girlfriend is super-conservative and 2. I'm a teenage kid who's horny :D

In my case, I watch porn often because, although I really love my GF, some of my needs I don't want to force on her cause she is FAR from ready. So, to prevent myself from doing something stupid when I'm with her, I get rid of my horny side safely with porn. However, if you're already sleeping with each other, I can definitely sympathize with the ladies. Hang in there! But don't be too hard on us, porn is right up there with alcohol and smoking; not that it's a vice, but its hard to quit. If your man is a pig, dump him, that's my advice. Cheers!

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A female reader, Stasia66 United States +, writes (31 January 2012):

I've tried everything from matching underwear to trying initiate. He says you are pressuring me. He makes me feel old ugly and unwanted and I'm under 40. He flirts with women half his age that he doesn't even know and goes on dating sites to talk to women on webcams. I'm not stupid, I saw his public profile online, it is humiliating. Is he trying to give me some kind of clue or something? Like he was trying to cover up his tracks. Why in the hell did he marry me anyways if he hates me? Mentally abuses and has to embarrass me. I'm embarrassed for him as well, he doesn't have the sense to know that he is making an ass out of himself in my eyes and everyone elses. The truth will come out eventually.

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A male reader, bugmenot3 United States +, writes (28 January 2012):

If you're looking for a man who doesn't fantasize about other women apart from yourself; either become a nun, date a castrati or turn lesbian. Your boyfriend might love you so much that he would be willing to give his life to save yours if given the situation, but even that kind of man will still have dirty thoughts and get off at times thinking or watching women other than yourself.

You need to understand that men and women are biologically different. What applies to you doesn't necessarily apply to him. Far from what you would think, there it no emotional link whatsoever between a man and the women that appear in the porn he watches, and the watching of porn by no means is an indication that he is not sexually satisfied by you.

If you are not there 24 hours with him to satisfy all his sexual craving, he will in some cases seek release as those cravings interfere with normal thought processes (don't let him think straight). To achieve such release men need visual stimuli (women don't).

As long as there is no sign of addiction (excessive time consumption, lost of interest in intercourse with you...) you are either gonna have to accept it or find someone more apt at hiding his "stuff".

As "disgusting" as it may sound to you:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011):

Ok, I'm a guy and I'm not addicted to porn BUT my ex and I use to watch it together. She would ask me if I watched it and I told her the truth that since I was dating her that I wasn't.

She was VERY against porn at first because she had brothers and they use to watch so the idea of it made her sick. After a couple times of talking to her about it she seemed more curious than anything and wanted to know why guys watched. Truth? Sex is hot. Clearly I don't want to watch ugly girls and guys do it so you pick the best looking people to watch, lol. But I told her (and I meant it) that it was no different than how turned on I'd get if I were someone else and I was watching her and I have sex. Or heck, even watching a tape of us. I told her that if she wanted to check it out with me than I would be up for that so she can see there is nothing to it and people make it into so much more than it really is.

She loved it. Most of the times girls feel that guys are lusting after a "better looking" girl when they watch porn. NOT usually the case. She wasn't lusting over the guys, she was lusting after sex, which is good cause it always lead to that. It's just hot to have playing the background and to watch before to get in the mood. Trust me she was more than enough to get me in the mood but it DEFINITELY enhanced our sexual relationship!

The difference is I respected her enough to not watch it and let her be the one to suggest it. I'm sure I helped leave bread crumbs to get her there but she reaped the benefits. It pushed her out of her comfort zone but it opened a lot of doors for what we would talk about doing.

Just something to think about.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011):

I caught him a few times with the history in the computer. At the time I was working and I asked him about it and he said he just got bored so I blew it off. Well last night I wasn't feeling well and went and laid in bed.. We live in a one floor apartment so I can clearly hear what is going on in the living room. When I went to bed he was playing his PS3 and then all of a sudden it got quiet... I went to go into the living room and he comes from the opposite side of the room of our couch where the computer and tv is and he was nervous... I asked what he was doing and he said trying to find cheat codes.. but I just felt like something was not right... So I went to bed and figured I would check the computer this morning.. I recently deleted the history and when I checked it PORN AGAIN!! I love him, believe he is the love of my life but I refuse to deal with this.. I am going to confront him tonight when he gets home from work.. lets see how it goes..AGAIN

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011):

Yesterday I was at my boyfriend's house. He was watching TV while I was on the computer in the came room. I downloaded a game onto the comp for something to do. When the download was finished I couldn't find the game; it opened up into a bunch of nonsense. So I clicked here and there looking for it when I was startled at the contents of one folder: porn. Pictures and videos both. And whatever other sort of form you can get porn in, and a LOT of it. I thought maybe the game I downloaded was a virus but I still couldn't find the game and wasn't sure. I downloaded the game once more and I needed to know what the location of the game's folder was so I clicked the button that takes you to the folder containing the folder you're already in (a mouth full, I know). Sure enough, it was the same folder full of porn as last time. ("AAhhh, so that's how I got to it before")He didn't see me find it the first time, but I'm not sure if he noticed my discovery the second time around. I can't confront him because I'm not sure.

I was trying to think of a clever and lighthearted way to bring it out: Like sitting on his lap at the computer (which I normally do), bringing the game up and clicking that button to bring me to the folder and say something like "Uh, haha... is this your porn, or mine?" But I'm so disgusted with him I'm afraid I'll get nervous and start acting weird ( I do that sometimes.. ) And I'd really just rather put it on the back-burner but that will only keep me irked.

I'm afraid to ask him and I never thought of him as someone to look at porn... and definitely not this amount of it. Also, it really offends me that he'll watch another girl .. DO those things and get himself off to it.

It hurts my feelings, honestly, and I think even if I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. He might agree to, but he wouldn't really...

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A female reader, katie3 United Kingdom +, writes (24 February 2011):

I can sympathise with all this. My boyfriend is open about his porn habits and acts as if it's a 'male right' that they just have to do it otherwise he'd never be able to go to work or eat or sleep. If this was anything else I'd call it an addiction. I've tried to ask what he likes, why he watches it and how I can fill that gap... but it lasts a day and he'll be straight back on it.

It hurts me, it offends me, it disgusts me and makes me feel like a crappy girlfriend. I wrote this answer because I have been on the history to find a recipe I had previously looked at and it turns out he'd been on porn for the 10mins I'd been out for a run!! I mean, 10 minutes! It makes me wonder: was he desperate for it and I wasnt there?, or was it because he was alone for a few minutes and thought he could get his porn hit??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011):

"dont know what a picture or video on a screen can possibly be giving him that i, a real girl (and attractive) can not! any one feeling similar please reply!"

Okay, you should probably watch one then and figure it out. For one thing, are you rough and aggressive with him (and his thing) or a wilty little flower who has to wait to be seduced? Most porn shows aggressive girls who seduce the male "actor" and then treat him like they really want him to, um, you know. I bet you don't do that. So, instead of asking yourself, "What do they have/do that I don't?" why not ask him (sincerely, not in your snarky little matriarchal lady tones) the same question. . . and then try it.

Plus, ask yourself this. BEFORE your boyfriends stopped having sex with you or started having it less frequently, how many times did you turn him down? How many times did you jump his bones? Seriously, if you initiated more often, you would get it more often. So be the equal you think you.

Your girls are so low self esteem it's absurd, and you're acting like your mothers. It's very unattractive. If men thought their girlfriends would look at porn with them, we'd invite them. You're the reason it's a secret. And you know what? It has nothing to do with porn. Men and women have the EXACT same problems with marijuana for the exact same reasons: YOU'RE an insecure control freak.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011):

I feel you, The other day i was going on my boyfriend's phone to check something on face book and when I click the internet app porn was just sitting there. Then a little window came up saying" Your movies have been download" & the titles were the perfect bj & get you female sexier. I was so mad I didn't even know what to do with myself. Now everything I look at him I want to throw up anything I ate & I don't even wanna think about having sex with him. What I cant seem to get in my head is that if he can go look at other girls doing sexual things and talking dirty and getting his penis hard over it then why cant I go out and have some other man please me. its the same thing one way or another.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011):

I'm having the same problem right now, and have it in every single relationship. Today my lover, who is far away right now, was telling me that he loves me and feels such deep emotions, and thinks about making love to me, etc. He'd never said this before, and it was very romantic and beautiful. But, I knew he was getting aroused..and I have a secret way of checking his internet history no matter where he is. I know, I know..not my right. But I had to know. And as we chatted he suddenly got silent, pretended his internet went out, and looked at porn. I'm very upset and feel like all the romantic things he said were a lie. If his arousal had anything to do with me and our love he wouldn't be looking at degrading porn. Then he had to go. Typical. And sad. I could never compare. I hear all of this talk of it being natural for men, and that it's our fault for being insecure when society really guides us in this direction. Men are taught to judge women unfairly from pornographic guidelines hardwired into them by media when they're going through puberty. I'm sure it's really not their fault, but where does that leave us girls who suffer? We are told to just accept it. And I don't think that's fair.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011):

First I want to say what a relief this site has been. When your going through this HUGE issue you feel all alone and to see their are many girls out their that are going through the same problem really soothes the pain.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years and in the past year has this problem arose. When I first started dating him I really didnt care that he was looking at porn but as we got more emotionally involved it started really bothering me. Our sex life is great but I can tell when he has been looking at porn because we will go days without having sex which is hurtful. When I first started paying attention to how often he was looking at porn it shocked me to find out he was doing it at least once a day on MY computer! Then one day I came home for lunch I had called to tell him I would be there in about 20 minutes. When I got home I looked at the history on my computer to find he had just looked at porn after we got off the phone! He knew I was coming home, he could have sex with me yet he did this instead... So I finally questioned him about it and he said that he did it because he wanted to last longer when we had sex... And promised to not do it.... Lie.... I have found it over and over through this past year and now he only lies about it when I confront him about it, my friend had my phone, my phone was in my pocket and it must have clicked on itself, and my favorite is I was browsing through websites and i just accidentally clicked on it. Now I am so paranoid that I check his phone whenever I can and get upset when the history has been deleted from the day before when I checked it. I feel like a physco girlfriend being Sherlock Holmes these days. I really don't know what to do about the situation but I do honestly believe that it's not his fault. If porn sites weren't so readily available maybe we wouldn't have this problem girls... Maybe the best thing for us to do is please ourselves as well. I do know that I would much rather him be looking at porn than cheating on me with another girl... Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010):

I just busted my boyfriend of six years, who not only never indicated any interest in porn, he would be openly anti-. And yet, there he was, looking for pictures of Lexxxi and Skankki and whoever else. I feel so, completely, totally, utterly deceived, like I am the biggest, blindest, most foolish idiot in the world. I can't even begin to think of what else he's lied to me about, which might as well be everything because I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

im going through the exact same thing. im 19 and my partner is 21 ive been with my partner for 3 years and a while back i found pictures hidden in a file on his laptop, i confrunted him about it and he said no its not me, it must have been my brother looking. He had previously said to me that he doesnt let anyone use his computer. he must think im stupid to lie to me.

he says the same old stuff.."im not like other guys", "my eyes are only for you", "why do i need to look at other women when ive got you". i court him out again today, in his history he had searched all this disgusting stuff. i feel so horrible, im obviously not good enough if he feels the need to get his jollys of someone elce. he tried to say it was his brother again, but im not having any of it..

although i feel terrible, its nice to know that there are people out there who feel the same as me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

I'm in the same position, and it sucks! I hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other naked girls on the internet and wanking off to them. Iv been seeing him for just over 2 years and its seriously startin to piss me off. I told him once before that it annoys me, as he had pictures of pornstars on his phone! So then i decided to put pictures of men on mine to show him how it made him feel. Then he said he wouldn't do iy again cuz he didn't like the thought of naked men on my phone! But now I keep checking his internet history and he is STILL looking at friggin porn. I honesstly feel like not having sex with him cuz its making me insecure about myself. I don't even want to talk to him cuz of it. I duno what to do :( its extrememly upsetting and depressing knowing all of this. And makes me very angry! Someone please give me advice on what to do :(

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010):

Most of the comments here make the wrong assumption that men and women are motivated by the same things, and so that when a man looks at porn, he's doing it for the reasons that a women would look at porn: because they want to seek companionship outside of the relationship. This is flat out wrong. Men are biologically hard-wired to look at other women. Every time a pretty girl walks by, men will notice and derive pleasure from looking at her. This act doesn't even rise to the level of a fantasy. It's simply a basic biological response to visual stimulus.

Porn is just an extension of that. Men derive pleasure simply by looking at it. It does nothing whatsoever to diminish the emotional bond between the man and his girlfriend/wife. Men evolved to look, and to evaluate other women. Simply being married to someone does not make that instinct magically disappear.

That being said, men that are unhappy in a relationship may seek out sexual or emotional relationships on the Internet. This has nothing to do with porn, though the online chats/discussions may themselves be pornographic. This is a distinction that bears repeating: Having "cam sex" with someone you've developed a relationship with online, and looking at random pornographic pictures online are NOT the same thing. Further, having "cam sex" with some anonymous stranger that they are never going to meet in real life is also different from having an online relationship that progresses to (and beyond) online sexual contact.

So if you are concerned with what your boyfriend or husband is doing online, pay attention to *what* exactly they're doing online and whether or not it actually threatens your relationship, or if it's just a sexual distraction. If it is just a distraction, you can still be justifiably upset if it's causing him to divert his attention away from you in the process.

But if you're sexually satisfied in your relationship, and it looks like his online pornographic experiences are limited to viewing only, there should be nothing to be concerned about. If he's doing more than viewing, but his contacts are anonymous, that might be a sign that your sex life isn't adequate for him, but if that's the case, wouldn't this be the least harmful way of him to fix that? Depriving him of this outlet without providing a substitute means he will find another substitute, and this may occur outside your home with a real person.

Either way, once you've "forbidden" him from doing something he's instinctively driven to do, you've essentially guaranteed that he's going to do it behind your back and try to hide it from you. If you feel that you'd be better off leaving this relationship, that's probably a smart move, but I strongly suspect you will be unlikely to find a man that doesn't look at Internet porn, unless he is a luddite, or was abused.

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A female reader, SadSteph90 United States +, writes (26 October 2010):

OMG im in this same situation an I think its going a little too far.Well I have been with my boyfriend for a year,and we live together. Well i have recently caught him looking at PORN. I've caught him 3 times already this past month. Well the first time I caught him he was on my laptop(at this time I had no idea he liked to watch porn)And well i was going to use my laptop once he was done so i decided to get in the shower. WELL GUESS WHAT when I got out and he was done using my computer I opened my browser and saw a whole bunch of "BIG TITS" websites(like 7 different sites).there was like stuff like women we cant see their feet because of their tits alot of big tits stuff. that really hurt me because i used to have big breast but i lost weight so they went down a little.OK WELL i confronted him and told him u better stop searching this crap or we are over.soo about a week went by..and he didnt use my laptop much anymore. BUT we were out with his friends hanging out and I told him lend me your phone (mine was dead) and guess what I saw on his phone more PORN!!!!! HE SEARCHES IT ON HIS PHONE TOO! I didnt confront him right there cause his friends were there so I waited and when i got the chance I told him what the hell is this? why are u still doing this if u know its going to affect our relationship.? I HAD A LONG TALK WITH HIM AND ASKED HIM "WHY" HE DID IT.I ASKED HIM IF IT WAS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN. HE ADMITTED TO ME THAT "YES" HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN AND HE DISIRED TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE OR POSSIBLY HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME AND ANOTHER WOMAN!!! what the hell and im supposed to say ok to that??? WELL thats that i forgave him and told him to promise he wouldnt do it again because it was already the second time i caught him. OK AFTER 2 WEEKS I CAUGHT HIM AGAIN!!! BUT NOW ON HIS PLAYSTATION 3!!!!! He uses the internet to play online, but sometimes uses the internet. Well we were there looking at videos on youtube. And some page from GOOGLE opens and it says he searched "BIG ASS AND TITS" ha. third time already. I think ive had it already and Im really thinking about leaving him this is really hurting my mind and my self esteem. I feel ugly,betrayed,not enough for him,worthless,depressed, and i always cry. I dont know what to do. He lives with me so SHOULD I KICK HIM OUT??? I CAN SEE HE PROBABLY WONT CHANGE. WE DO HAVE A GOOD SEX LIFE BUT NOT LIKE 24/7.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS SITUATION.!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE NEED ADVICE!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010):

...how are you doing..i just read your statement about your boyfriend... are you still with him? I am in a current situation such as yours was...did it get better?

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A male reader, Waffles56 United States +, writes (22 October 2010):

To all you ladies out there i understand how men looking at porn can be very hurtfull and upsetting to you, especially when your man makes little lies to hide it from you. i am a man who has suffered from looking at porn because i lost the love of my life due to it. To me she was the most attractive woman i ever layed eyes on and i loved her with all my heart,yet, I was looking at porn, not because i didnt love her but because it has become such a big part of the way men are raised that we have become conditioned to look at it. even to the point were it helps relieve anxiety like in my case. the porn industry has played off of mens biological tendency to be stimulated by visual stimuli, and because of the conditioning from our youth coupled with our biological tendency, men have begun to assimilate porn into their everyday lives because we have been psychologicaly/biologicaly programed by manipulative directors who have used our own natural tendencies against us. To you women i dont believe porn is right and i am a man, and i can say i used to look at it so much to a point were i was looking at it more than 5 times a day. in my heart the woman who i loved was the most important thing to me and she was my best friend who i thought was drop dead gorgous, and even though i looked at porn my opinion never changed about her, however the struggle for communication began. my girlfriend did not like sex very much and we only had it once a month and i struggled to not look at it because i loved her so much. but i found myself looking at it like it was a program in my head whenever i was anxious to relieve my anxiety when she was not providing me with stimulation. also i saw myself lying about it like a junkie who would do whatever he could to get his fix. women know that your men love you so and they still find you very attractive, the only way you can realy know how much he cares is in his loyalty. i may have looked at porn, but my loyalty was never in question even when i stopped looking at porn for a month and she didnt have sex with me. and to you condoning women, i know that u must feel hurt and i can understand the anger you must feel, but know that men struggle against our biology and what society has put on us. and any sex or porn addict can recover, all it takes is communication. so plz women dont give up on your men, instead sympathize for them for a society that is crushing their natural tendencies to form true intimacy because of greed. if you care for the men without judging or hurting them and express your concernes the right way, your men will not feel the need to hide anything and if they love you like i loved my girlfriend they will do whatever they can to try and change the addiction like i have been doing. and men, from quiting looking at porn i am starting to understand the true nature of what intimacy is. a loving friend is far more pleasing than getting off. trust me to be able to get off from that one woman you love without having stimulation from porn makes the sex way more intense because you hunger for that woman and you begin to express your natural passion and dominance in the bedroom wrather than just getting off, and women love a man who hungers for them sexualy because the sex becomes passionate and natural. i hope i can offer some support for both you men and women out there, because i dont want you to lose the one you love like i have.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010):

Well what about when your partner of 3 years, now fiance, PAYS for online porn, goes on online sex chat sites, lies and covers his tracks. My partner lost us more than $250 cause of his little 'porn frenzy'. If all you guys writing on here are really going to stand by the "we just do it cause its fun" excuse, then grow up! your not 13, and just hit pubity. If your in a relationship with a person, then theres no need to use alternative material to get off. Girls are just as horny as guys, and would do things that you probably think we wouldnt do. I can accept a guy looking at a couple of pictures, but when it moves onto videos, and sex chat, webcams, etc thats gone too far. and l think all the woman on here who have been affected by there guy doing this, would agree with me. Were not just having a whinge and nag about this stuff just to hear ourselves talk, it actually affects us deeply, and its something we will all NEVER get over.

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A female reader, charliesdevil73 United States +, writes (27 August 2010):

charliesdevil73 agony auntWhat you are feeling is very normal and you are not overreacting. Men and women are different in many ways and one of them is what gets them off. Men are more visual, whereas women are more emotional. Men are also more horny, by a big margin. I have recently been through this, so I hope the advice I am going to give you helps. I will give some background so you can see if it relates as well.

I knew my fiance looked at porn when we didn't live together but I thought it would stop when we moved in together. It didn't. Eventually, I found lotion by the computer, so I looked at his history for a while. He looked at it a lot! It got to me so bad that I finally talked to him about it. I told him everything I saw, how it made me feel, and I cried so hard. Instead of getting mad, he held me and told me I was beautiful. He said he's horny more than I am and he's visual. I started thinking about our relationship after that and realized nothing had changed. He still treated me the same and I knew he loved me. I told him I would try to be ok with it. I also tried having sex with him every time he was horny...bad idea, too much. I am better about it now, not 100% ok but getting there.

So, my advice is if he treats you the same, I don't see a problem. Talk to him about it and it might help both of you and your relationship. Steer clear of blaming statements..."I don't like that you do this" "You make feel this when you do that". Use "I feel..." statements. Ever since my man and I talked, he is more loving towards me. We are very open with each other and I told him exactly how I felt, that might work for you as well. And, remember, it really has nothing to do with you. He wants satisfaction without the work, that's all. I know it's hard to believe that, but it's true. I am sure he thinks you are a beautiful, smart, sexy woman but when you're not available...well, you know.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010):

I have been with my boyfriend for five years, he is my heart. We are pretty much the same get along and have fun togeather. I found porn on his computer one day when i was trying to change my facebook picture. I fliped out, but then evereyone started to tell me to be ok with it its normal. I tried that but then every time i ran acrossed it after that it hurt. I trie so hard to be cool with it im still trying. But after being with someone for that long and thinkning the world of them, to find out after all that time he lied, and got off by looking at other women makes me feel sick. Every time i think aobut it i just cry and i can't help but to look for it. I wonder if it would be better if he was more open about it and tried to share it with me but he hides it in his shame. I would hate to lose the love of my life over this but the pain wont stop.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010):

Just an observation... I have been nothing but devoted to the women in my life. I treat them like queens, I help them move if they need, I help them write their papers for college, I cuddle them and wine and dine them, and with every woman I've ever been intimate with, if I got it in her and we started making love and she said anything from, "I can't do this right now," to, "I just want to cuddle," I would pull out and do what she wanted, without expecting release for myself even if she was the one who got me all riled up.

Then when they break up with their guy, they don't understand how hard it is to meet another girl, let alone a true lady. Women just walk into a room and get their pick, but we men have to work to find even a bad woman. So until women can stick by their, "I'll be with you forever," word, I think it's okay for men to release themselves to porn. Women get their vibrators and their other toys, and men have no such equivalent. A lot of our release comes from visual/audible stimulation because our bodies are not designed to be easily pleased by a toy. If anyone should feel replaced, it's men whose girlfriends have vibrators that make them get off 10 times as hard as sex does.

For the record, porn does not satisfy my need and I could get release and still want to sleep with my girlfriend immediately after, if I had a girlfriend at the moment.

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A male reader, Robohobo Australia +, writes (21 August 2010):

Seriously it's comments like this that really piss me off. Porn has nothing to do with a relationship, love or intimacy. It 's just a way of getting a sense of plesure. Guys just watch it because we like it. Not because we aren't satisfied with or girlfriends or anything stupid like that. There is nothing wrong with watching porn unless he has become addicted to it and it is interferring with his daily life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

If you have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you feel and you ask them to respect your feelings and they agree to stop, give them another chance. If after that you find that they are still viewing porn, while lying to you, leave!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009):

Make your own porn movies together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

Yes i know how you feel.I have been talking to this guy for almost a year and every thing was so good..he asked me to marry him in may n i said yes and then i started to find all this porn and pics on his cell phone i asked him about it he told me it was his friend looking @ it..but his friend hasnt been around in over a month n i am still finding it..it is such a bad feeling you feel you feel your not good enough for them n you dont feel good about your self feel your not good enough for him...im in the same boat as you girl and it really sucks i dont want to leave him i love him so much but there is only so much us women can take...but if the shoe was on the other foot they would trip and say we were cheating on them ect...write me back and let me know how things are going for you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

Porn sucks. No pun intended. It ruins relationships and the confidence of women around the world. To all the girlfriends who have had to deal with this ridiculous and disgusting "habit" of men I say be true to yourself and God always.

Men clearly can't understand how badly this impacts our lives or they might think twice before carelessly indulging. I encourage you to throw what I have to say in the face of any a-hole who tries to convince you that routinely looking at porn is a completely normal behavior. The porn industry and our society which is in a severe moral decline has convinced these guys that it is okay and natural to look at porn. Most men will admit that they feel a little guilty looking at it, guess what men? That's because it's wrong.

I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase, "all guys look at porn." That my friends is entirely incorrect. There are many guys that will either give it up to keep his real woman and guys smart enough to know that it is not normal, immoral, and actually pretty twisted when you put it into perspective. Allow me:

When a porn production is getting off the ground it goes a little something like this. Typically some drug abusing slime ball porn director will contact "his people" to get actors and actresses booked for a movie. The young uneducated and insecure pornography "actress" will get the call, take whatever mind altering drugs she can get her hands on, and make arrangements to have her private areas bleached and waxed. She might even need to visit her on-call Gynecologist to treat her vaginal warts or gonorrhea before the shoot, after all, they have mostly unprotected sex in porn.

I guess what I am trying to say is, you need not be envious of these girls in porn. They are typically pretty messed up in the head, you have to be to have sex on camera and sell your body. Which is NOT a natural or normal behavior and watching this insecure dumbass girl who makes horrible decisions sell her body on camera is NOT natural either!

So here's the really sad part, these girls really only have careers from age 18-25 and there are soooo many out there, only a few of the bunch really make it big. Most of these girls are just ruining their lives and self worth and these bastard guys who just use their images for fifteen minutes of pleasure and then move on to something more disgusting, are perpetuating the very reason we are looked at as the weaker and less intelligent gender. So we the normal women dislike the female porn stars because they make us all look weak. Believe me, most of these women get punished ten fold for their idiotic decisions.

Have you ever had a one night stand? I can tell you if not, it usually leaves you feeling empty and almost like you lost a piece of your heart. I would not be surprised if that were the case for most of these girls after each of their sexual encounters and hate themselves or mask the embarrassment and guilt of being a gnarly whore with drugs.

There was a girl who made a porn who went to my high school and although many men who did not know her may have whacked it to her images online, in real life she was looked at as a disgusting slut and was branded that way to this day almost 9 years later. All anyone ever talked about from then on when her name came up was her hairy ass.

She's probably a waitress at Denny's now and regrets that decision more than anything.

So here's the solution, if you don't want your man's porn habit to make you feel bad, leave his ass. I can testify, there are different degrees of porn addiction and when it is really bad there is no use trying and a mild case can be easily corrected with a relationship ending ultimatum.

More importantly, be nice to other girls. All the time. Even if they are much better looking than you. When we reject other women due to our own insecurities they turn to men for friends. It is men who manipulate these young girls into porn.

Find value in your mind and heart not only what is on the outside even though that's what society wants, and try to find a partner who looks for the same. It is a huge world out there. In America, we only make up about 5% of the total world's population. Don't get stuck with some creep just because you don't want to be alone. Anything that's worth anything ever comes easy in this life. Being alone is hard, but meeting someone who will respect you and treat you well is worth waiting for.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009):

i find it funny how women have the most problem with porn, but the majority of porn IS WOMEN. i find it disgusting and degrading, but men for some reason don't see it that way. i started dating my now on and off boyfriend, 2 and a half years ago. when we first starting seeing each other, things were beyond great. but one day, him and i were looking for something in his room, and in one of the drawers he was looking through, a porn magazine fell out. he got really red and i could tell he was embarrased. but there were A LOT of magazines in there hidden in a binder. he said he found them a few years back in the trash can at his home. so according to what he tells me, they were his dads. that disgusting me even more! getting off to the same women your dad got off to?!?? ew... so that started the whole porn issue between us.i let that slide, and didn't say anymore about it until one night we were on the phone talking as we normally did, and he started acting funny. it was late at night and little did he know, i could hear him typing on the computer. well what else would he be doing that time of night online? so just as i expected, he said he was "tired" and wanted to get off the phone right then. so i went along with it and didn't say a thing. the next morning, i went over to his house to meet up for some lunch. when i got there he was on the internet and i asked if i could check something when he was done. well sure enough, there were LOTS of porn sites on the history from the night before. and that's when i decided to confront him about it. lying that you're "tired" and starting to do that stuff while we are talking on the phone, having a good and enjoyable conversation, is just plain wrong and hurtful. he got really upset and felt bad and threw away the magazines. he told me he would never do it again. ha ha ha that was a lie. to this day, he still does it, but he THINKS i don't know about it. i will admit, that night he stopped talking to me to look at porn, really hurt and upset me. i felt insecure about myself for a while and thought of myself as less attractive. but now i look back and realize how stupid i was. sooo many guys do it these days. if this was 20 years ago, it would be the same thing, but with magazines and not internet. i still believe porn is stupid and not a neccessary thing. it sucks when you first find out your guy does it, but it's not worth stressing over or wasting time thinking about it. guys will ALWAYS check out other girls, another topic i don't understand. it's one thing to find another girl attractive, but to go out of your way to stare, is another. women have much more common sense and think with their brain verses men who think with their dicks. i hope there are other guys out there, that don't fall under the typical man stereotype, but i have yet to find one :( ...my boyfriend has made some stupid mistakes and that is way today we are NOTHING like we used to be and we fight more than we laugh.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009):

I know exactly how most of you women feel. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years. I remember at one point we were moving in together and I found one "magazine" in with all of his stuff. He said that he didn't need it anymore and threw it away.

For the longest time, I knew he wasn't looking at anything like that and he is a great guy. But recently, we got a computer and I found some sites that he has looked at. (He seems to like the group sex stuff). We had a big argument about all of it and are currently not speaking. It wasn't the fact that he really looked at it, more of he's always denied being one of "those guys" and being the one to make fun of them and look now! But Ive been thinking about it and this is my conclusion:

No matter how "perfect" they may be, all men are the same about looking at porn, just some watch waaayy more than others. The majority of us women find it gross (like me) but I think it's how different our sexes were raised.

Think about it: while men are learning how to masturbate and noticing female breasts and stuff, us women are reading fairytales about a prince charming and living "happily ever after". We just look at the situation totally different.

Men have been raised with the "boys will be boys" phrase making them feel that it is perfectly normal for them to be doing it. Even though we do hate it, I try to understand that most cannot help it because of being raised in that enviornment. But, there's a big difference in a guy occasionally looking at that stuff to be curious, and doing it nonstop. I think that you should think of your boyrfriend and how he is without the porn thing.

Because, unless you're gonna go lesbian and start dating females, any guy you will ever date in your lifetime will still probably look at it.

Now to the females who now feel less attractive or bad about yourself about it: DON'T DO THAT!!! i felt the exact same way right after I found out.

But, what you have to understand is you could be the sexiest, nicest, best women on the face of the earth, and your man will still turn his head and look at porn.

As long as there are horny guys and slutty females desperate for money, Im sorry ladies, there will be porn.

But hey!! They may start taxing it!! That would be really funny

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A female reader, mybella32 Australia +, writes (29 March 2009):

I know my boyfriend looks at porn on the pc. Recently I found picture magazines hiding in his locked up cupboard that he left open. Why is it that I feel more offended by this than 5 minute porn trailors. He doesnt read them when im home. I feel ugly now and feel that im not good enough for him either.

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A female reader, cash27 United Kingdom +, writes (26 March 2009):

I am 18 years old and have been with my partner for nearly 3 years now. about a year and a half i found pictures on his computer. i was so upset and discusted and it was only pictures. at the time he was my first proper relationship and i didnt understand what was going on. i jusy thought he looked at them, didnt no he wanked to them.

then about a year ago i started finding other things. like video's and real porn sites. i hate it so much. its made me so insicure about every thing. i just don't get it iour sex life is fine we have regualar sex what the hell is going on. why does he need to wank over some slags on the computer when he has me to guve him his "release". i just doin't get it an iv found more a few weeks ago but they were like bondage onse that made me feel so sick i told him what i thought. some one please help and make me feel better about this situatioin :(

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

PS: A lot of men feel threatened by vibrators, so get yourself one of those, make sure it has a loud buzz, and make sure he hears you using it, to substitute for his company whenever you feel lonely..... just an idea, to help you out... lol

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

For all you ladies that have a trouble with your guys looking at porn, I've just remember something we girls used to do at school. Guys at school loved bringing in "dirty" porn magazines, and we objected, because it's a private thing and should be done in private not placed in our face for everyone to see...

We humiliated them, we took the "piss", we teased them. We made fun of their "hobby". Pointed out that if they wanted to be a "real man" they'd be dating and having sex with girls, rather than wanking off and masturbating to women in a magazine. Sure did the trick, seemed to make them feel kind of tacky, they didn't bring it into school anymore, and that was the end of that.

You ladies that object could try that. Stop crying and wailing, it makes men loose respect for you. Pretend you don't care, but point out the fact that real men prefer having sex to wanking alone by themselves.

Be careful, it's dangerous to take the piss out of men, and some may get very angry. But shame and embarrassment counts for a lot. Attack their masculinity and that just might work...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008):

It seems every man looks at porn, no matter how perfect or special you think they are....How disappointing! I recently found out my partner had been looking at porn...Older women...With big tits - the total opposite to me!! The thing that hurts me the most is coz we have just had a baby! Ok i havent been feeling upto sex lately obviously....But why couldnt he just wait for me...? Or maybe hes been doing it all along and this is just the time he forget to get rid of the evidence!!!!! Why cant they see how it makes us feel.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008):

I hate porn. My boyfriend denied watching it for 2 and a half years and I was stupid enough to believe him. And then I found porn sites in his favourites and browsing history. I confronted him and he said he wouldn't do it anymore but I feel crushed. My parents recently divorced and I had to move house an hour away from him so we can't see each other as much. And now I feel that during the week when we're not together he's watching porn and replacing me.

He looks at girls with big boobs which makes me feel so inadequate and stupid. I want to cry when I think about it. It's wrecking my self esteem and body image.

I'm sorry but the "it's just something guys do" excuse is pathetic. It clearly hurts so many women but they still do it because they're "men". Big deal.

I love my boyfriend so much and wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him. And if I did hurt him I'd do everything I could to stop. I deserve the same in return.

If ever I bring the porn thing up he tells me to get over it and I feel I can't talk to him about it. Why do men who love their wives/ girlfriends feel the need to look at plastic women on the internet when they have real women at home who love them and have sex with them.

I don't understand. I HATE it.

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A female reader, macavity United States +, writes (5 December 2008):

I've been there.

The issue here is not the porno. I enjoy porno myself from time to time. The issue here is that our boyfriends/husbands are not sharing with us, and even go so far as to lie about it and cover it up.

You have every right to be upset if your partner is hiding something from you, no matter what it is. What is the point of being in a relationship if you can't share with your partner? Whether for good or ill, we need to be willing to share our foibles with the people we claim to love the most.

You appear to have proof, so confront him. Ask him why he feels the need to lie to you. He may have an addiction, or maybe he's just curious or bored while you're gone. We all have our reasons for looking, but a strong romantic relationship should be built on a foundation of honesty.

Be honest with him, too. You MUST let him know how it makes you feel. For most of us, finding out our partner has been looking at porn makes us feel worthless, ugly, and used. Please don't be this person. I have gone through this. Your partner needs to know if this is hurting you so you can both work it out together.

If for any reason he chooses porn over spending time with you, he has a problem. Either you have to stick with him and help him with his addiction or move on. There is no reason why a man should choose to pleasure himself with a picture over having sex with his lover.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008):

I've read through all these posts and I really feel sorry for all you women who are unhappy and sad about porn. I am one of those women who like to look at porn, and when my partner found out my secret he was so happy. When I was a virgin, we watched porn together and it stopped us from having sex. I've never felt inadequate and I've never felt that it destroyed anything in our relationship. It actually made our relationship more intimate and closer. I think it's a question of confidence. I am a very confident woman and I know my boyfriend loves me, not only my body, but also for my mind and my personality. I may not be beautiful, but he tells me all the time how much he loves me, and shows me that he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I never stop him doing anything he wants to do, and he gives me the same respect. I don't need to be the centre of his world, because I'm a strong independent woman myself. However I am the centre of his world, he loves me very much, as much as I love him. It's normal for men to look at pornography and now there are many women like me who love to look at it too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008):

I came to this site because I found porn on my boyfriends computer today. My last relationship was ridiculous, a year of him claiming "addiction to porn".. waking up in the middle of the night and finding him looking at porn on his computer.. i personally look at porn secretely sometimes, i am always turned on and even though we have a great sex life i still just want to get off sometimes.. of course i havent told him this.. so besides my own hypocritical actions of judging him based on his porn viewing, i also now believe that it IS my OWN insecurity.. if I was comfortable with myself I KNOW i wouldn't mind him looking at it..

i realize that

1) i shouldnt be looking in his online history in the first place

2) porn is fleeting and shallow, its not the reason he drives 2 hours a day to see me and its not who hes actually having sex with.

3) I thought he was perfect before the little porn incidents, no one is perfect, i just have to accept this 'flaw'..

4) i really should just tell him i also enjoy porn and see where that goes but i'm too nervous that this point for that.

I dont know how helpful that post was but it was really just me realizing things and getting a grip on things.

i do know this..

if your boyfriend is looking at porn very very often and lying/covering it up in a way that really hurts you, then confront. you should never settle for anything you question.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

I was young and naive when I got married. I had never looked at porn and really didn't know a lot about a computer. I can tell you that a lot of things my husband did caused a lot of issues and to this day I have not fully gotten over everything. I have been divorced for several years.

No, not every man is like him, but it sure scarred me. I now have limitations on fantasies and "out-of-the-box" sexual acts because I have such a physically and mentally warped perception of them now.

I can tell you that because of the things that he did, I can no longer cope with masturbation or any form of pornography. It's not insecurity, a lot of it just has to do with the fact that what my ex-husband was doing was just gross. Here's just a few of the things he did:

1. Made of video of himself masturbating while watching a porn. Found the video hidden.

2. Paid for porn sites (both gay and straight sites).

3. Found someone on the internet and met with her to have sex. Found the email about how he would just "tell my wife that I'm going out with the guys" so he could meet with her secretly.

4. Had a threesome with his best friend (male) and the stripper girlfriend.

5. Wasn't sure of his sexuality. Told me that I was the one who made him question is sexuality.

Love them or not ladies, you need to decide to either get out or overcome. I chose to get out, but I can tell you that I have truly never "overcome" even now. It was a truly devastating experience for me. Although there was a lot more than that, I can only offer the advice that if it bothers you with your current partner, it will bother you regardless of who you are with.

For the men out there - understand that some women have possibly had a traumatic experience and it goes beyond just the "I don't want you looking at porn" insecurity reasons that people tend to throw out there, it could be much deeper.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

Hold on let me take a deep breath.

Looking at porn has nothing, I will repeat that, NOTHING to do with your relationship. to think otherwise is silly. We look at porn to kill time, we look at porn for pleasure in the same way we would flip on the tv, there is nothing more to it. I am engaged to be married my fiance and I go at it like for at least 2 hours a day. She knows I look at porn occasionally and has no problem with it whatsoever. If she looked at porn, I would have no problem with it, as a matter of fact it would probably turn me on.

Get a grip.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008):

You know, I've been looking at this issue on a lot of sites because I had the same issue and I'm kind of sick of it. I don't buy into the "it's just men" thing in terms of a justification. Most people will do whatever society allows them to do, and that's it. So back a hundred years ago, your man would very likely be saying the same thing about sleeping with another woman, because that's just what men did. What changed, frankly, was the woman's movement, and women insisting on some changes. I do think this means maybe not ending up with a guy (maybe not any guy), and each person would have to decide for herself whether that, for her, was a better choice than being with a less-than-stellar guy. It's a choice, and I can see making either one.

But I think there's another question that matters too, maybe even more--what kind of porn? A Playboy magazine is pretty different from a Teen Anal video, though both will be widely available. Basically, for me, someone who is into porn that is pretty much the kind of sex I like to have is pretty much ok--I wouldn't mind watching either. But if someone likes watching stuff that I think humiliates people (and what this line is would vary from person to person--for me I think even anal is too much, because it hurts and I think what people get off on in watching it is often about doing something to someone that hurts) that's not ok with me. There are some things I wouldn't watch even if I found them arousing, because some stuff is part of what I consider pretty negative human impulses--like the pleasure of hurting or dominating someone. I think the pleasure of that is real, but I don't think it's healthy or should be encouraged. (For example, I think history shows pretty clearly that genocide is also a natural human tendency, but that doesn't mean we should support it.)

So, good luck to you all, whatever you decide. And keep your dignity and self-love intact.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008):

All of these posts should be telling us something...that as long as men have access to porn on computers, they WILL look at it, and theres nothing we can do to change that. I have the same problem...boyfriend spends lots of time looking at porn on his computer, but denies it to my face. He pays to access site content and that hurts me more than the actual looking itself. But you have a choice, you can stay with him and realise that you can't rely on him for you happiness (only YOU can make you happy), or leave and find someone else....only to find they they too look at porn. its catch 22, especially when you've been with him a long time and invested alot into the relationship. i think that alot of girls have low self esteem and this makes porn hard to accept. But i say let them have it...go and make ur own fun. theyre not worth crying over.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008):

i've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, and about a year ago i had found out he was looking at porn. i explained to him how it makes me feel: insecure, ugly, ashamed, guilty, and that it really hurt me. he promised me he would never look at porn again. a few months after that, i found out he was looking at porn again, and had been lying to me for months. i got so upset and he swore to me 'never, never, never again' would be look at pron and hurt me. a few months after that i found out hes looking at porn AGAIN, at the time i though this is insane, but he again promised me over and over again, swearing on his life blah blah blah. so ,last night, about 6 months after the last time, he was drunk and it slipped that he was looking at porn again, and had been for a while. every time this happens he cries his face off and tries to hurt himself and its awful, i just end up trying to calm him down rather then be legitimately upset myself. i dont know what to do, at first it was about the porn, but now its mostly about him constantly lying to me. i love him with all my heart and soul but i can't be lied to anymore. i just feel so low and upset that he's willing to choose porn over me. please help me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):

Hm. when i first started going out with my boyfriend I knew he looked at Porn, but after a month, I asked him to stop.. I was Niave. I just found out recently that he had looked at porn to question himself to see if he liked it.. Does this means he likes it? And he uses that as an excuse?

Or does he actually not look at it anymore..

I think the thing that bothered me the most is the lying side of things.

I need someones opinion. :/

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008):

I did ballet and all types of dancing since i was three years old. I never had a real 'dancers' body and have always been reminded of that. I have low self image issues and i work hard everyday of my life to combat them. I knew my boyfreind regulary looked at porn but after a year or so I asked him to stop. I feel I have a right to feel enough for him. I have told him that if he wants to look at it then he just does and there is nothing i can do about it, and that he is just not the man for me. I have sat down with him and explained to him several times that if he is looking at porn how deeply that would affect my self worth and concept. I understand it is not attractive being low in confidence, but i try very hard to get through everyday and not critcise my body. My boyfreind and i have been together for 3 years and i found he had been watching porn movies of several girls. I literally could not breathe and could not understand how he could watch someone who is NOT me commit sexual acts. I am extremely hurt, and truly believe that if i had a socially 'better' body he would not have watched the porn..i can not even begin to explain how i feel...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008):

See, I wouldn't mind about the porn if it wasn't for the not having sex with me thing.

My boyfriend uses the same excuses--low sex drive, sex etc. And boy was I surprised when I accidently found a TON of porn on his computer one day.

I felt like such a sucker for believing him. He was interested in sex--just not with me.

Good luck finding a guy who doesn't look at it. Unless they are in the woods without computer access I think we're stuck with no sex.

They obviously are fulfilled by masturbation but unfortunately it's not the same for women...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

Hi I can relate to everything you say I met my partner 8 years ago at first although not frequent sex was really good then four years ago he announced that he no longer wanted sex with me or any other woman I was a bit shocked but took on board what he said and like yoursrelf the relationship to me was a lot more than sex. I am a young forty and for my age doing well I cant understand why he doesent want to touch me or even go near me not even for a close cuddle up yet will look at what I call gutter level women on porn sites, Like you say he deletes the history thats a dead give away and starts acting guilty for example a cuddle or kiss for no particular reason but being a woman we recognise guilty consience straight off so I know exactly when he has been looking. It really upsets me but if I dare say anything he just kicks off saying about his privacy and im snooping in his life.

There is no way I could ever compete with what he looks at women with very large chests mine are a 38d considered a fair size I thought but he doesnt go any where near me we sleep in the same bed but very rarely does he get close to me. It makes me feel so second rate like the other woman in a relationship the one who gets to cook clean and take care off him and nothing in return no love or affection. I have confided in a couple of my close friends and they say I should finish with him I deserve to be treated better but it's so hard, I love him so much he still makes me laugh and can be kind to me but I can't bear to think of him looking at porn when I am a willing bed partner, it makes me feel so angry and rejected and worthless any ideas what to do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

I know how you feel. Lately, my boyfriend has been looking at porn more and more. I can check the history on his computer and find up to 15 porn sites a day. When I asked him about it, he freaked out on me and said he has "no privacy." I have a reason to be concerned, though. Everything is changing in our relationship. I do everything imagineable for him--help him study, help him with money matters, small things to show I care. Anymore, though, he doesn't appreciate any of it, and we seem to argue all of the time. Our sex life has definitely changed, too--it was great before, but now it's like he's not even interested...and he admitted to me it's because "[he] looks at porn enough [he] doesn't even want anything sexual." I'd be fine with nothing sexual. My relationship is more important to me than that, but I am NOT okay with being second place to him getting pleasure from other females. It really makes a person feel worthless to know that this is the man you have feelings for, and other women are the women he's basing his life around. People may think I'm overreacting. Trust me, once upon a time, I would have agreed with you. It's just porn, right? No, it's really not. It really does ruin relationships.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

point taken below, BUT i can almost guarantee that every time i leave the house my boyfriend is straight on the computer looking at his porn sites, its asthough hes got nothing better to do! surely that cant be the norm? Its asthough every time i leave the house he thinks to himself 'quick! nows my chance to look at porn or else i dont know when ill next be able to!'. It disturbs me, plus our sex life is almost none existent cos hes always 'tired', but hes not too tired to look at porn sites! I dont know what a picture or video on a screen can possibly be giving him that i, a real girl (and attractive) can not! any one feeling similar please reply!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

I'm not that old.. but I'm not young either and I firmly believe that it is healthy for men to have something to drift away and be themselves. If it's a sports show or a fantasy world of porn, it's still sacred to him and should be important to you.

For the girls that are upset at first, it's understandable, but trust me, we all have our guilty pleasures.. I personally do several things that he is not aware of and he is none the wiser..

Live and let live.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

this site is giving me so much peace right now

i started dating my boyfriend and felt i could trust him completely. He had a girls aloud calendar on his wall, but i tried to think nothing of it, i was a naive 15 year old, and it didnt even come into my mind that he was looking at this thing when i wasnt there, and wanking off to it.

then one day i was on his laptop while he was out, and found all this shit in his youtube and google search bar, looking up all these famous women, and girls fingering themselves, and pictures of up girls skirts and women dressed as teachers. its completely broken me, and i cried and cried. at first he joked about it when i first asked him like yeah you know everyone does it. and i just cried for about 2 hours. for about 10 months it just wasnt the same and i couldnt be happy because everywhere i went there were pictures of these girls on the front of magazines and stuff. i still get up about it now, but i hide it better.

also the thing girls are saying about betrayal is worse, is true as well. he had pictures on his ipod of old girl mates in bikinis bending over and stuff, and when i found them before all of this, he was like omg they must have transferred from my old computer when i got my laptop. but later on, he admitted to using them as well, so he either lied that he didnt know they were on his ipod, or he used them after, when he knew i didnt like it

i really love him, but why did he do this to me?? why do men just not love us properly?? when we first start dating they seem to think were so special, but after thats passed, they have to look elsewhere. its just so degrading and hurtful

i wish women had the need to look at shit on the internet, maybe then they know how it felt, or at least we wouldnt care about what there looking at because were too busy fingering ourselves over a picture of some naked guy

i dont get it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

i hate porn, i've been with my boyfriend a year and i've lost my virginity to him, and he's my first love but eventually porn will tear us apart, it sounds so dramatic but it makes me feel like i'm not good enough, and he must think 'i wish she had a body like that girl' or he thinks of other girls when he's having sex with me, i really really hate it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008):

My boyfriend is always looking at porn and thinking that I was born yesterday and dont know that he's looking, even when I'm in the house! Ive come to accept that its a part of the relationship that I just cannot change (and yes I have tried the whole crying/threatening to leave/threatening to sell his computer thing and just none of it works. Im still not happy about it though. The thing that annoys me most is that we cant even get back at them by doing the same - women just aren't wired that way, and what's more they know it! and as one girl pointed out on her post, they will pay to access the content of these sites, yet they complain if that they dont have enough cash for this and that! unbelievable!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008):

No you are not over reacting at all. i have been with my boyfriend for 8 months not only he goes into porn but he goes into this amigente site and hi5 to chat with all this women and talk dirty to them. it hurts because is just like am not good enough for him. he has a serious problem. i don't even know what to do about. but i wish you the best of luck and if you have any ideas please share.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008):

I think it's ok for a man or woman to go over porn sites. It's when they lie to you about it that bothers me. I'm incredibly open minded and accepting of porn. I had no insecurities whatsoever with my boyfriend using porn. But then he started lying about it each time we discussed it. I never questioned him based on insecurities, we just used to talk about sex as most healthy couples do. His natural desire for porn isn't what betrayed our relationship. It's that he lied about it; over and over again without having any bonafide reason to. After I discovered his lies, I asked him many times, "You felt comfortable with me, though right? I never made you feel as though you couldn't look at porn..right?" In fact, I suggested that at some point we should experience porn together. His response was, "Yes...I felt comfortable with you in every way possible." But..he still lied to me..and that's why I feel as betrayed as I do. Women on porn sites come and go. Honesty does not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008):

I cannot say what a relief it is to read the stories on this site! I've been crawling all the christian sites on the web looking for something to ease my pain, but nothing has given me the relief that I find from simply seeing how many others have similar struggles to me.

I know my boyfriend looked at porn a lot before he met me. We talked it over soon after we first started dating, and being both christians we were in perfect agreeance that it was harmful and should stop. He'd been trying to stop on his own, and wanted help, so I'd ask him gently every now and then how he was going just to keep him accountable. Every time he'd say that he had faced temptation, but overcome it and resisted. I was so so proud of him, until one day he told me that he had looked at porn. Something niggled inside me and I asked "when?", he revealed that it had been 3 months ago and he'd been lying to me every time I asked him since then. I know he loves me. I know it. But he lied to me! He lied straight to my face, with his arms around me, and then told me that he loved me. I just can't get past that. I think to myself "but he told you in the end" and I know that took courage, but I don't think he has any idea how much I'm hurting. I don't think he has any idea how many girls feel the same way.

My boyfriend is a GREAT guy - the best I've ever met. I believe that he is honestly trying his hardest to break this and that it is not easy. I am enormously proud of him for persisting with something he finds so difficult. I think it's harsh to call men scum for doing what they do (although I understand the feelings behind it entirely). I try not to make him feel any worse, because I know he feels guilty already. I just hold my sadness to myself. I still ask him like I always did, but I don't believe him when he says he hasn't looked anymore. He tells me it's hard to stop, especially when you get spam mail every day. I just don't understand it. We don't have sex because we're waiting for marriage, and he's so good at controlling himself around me, although I know he'd like sex. If he can resist a real woman, why can't he resist pictures on his computer? Surely I can do more for him than they can! Why are they so alluring that he can't say no to them when he turns me away with such ease? Now every time he gives in to me I worry that he's giving in to porn as well and lying to me about it again. Porn is so secretive in its nature that it destroys any trust within a relationship. I can cope with him looking at porn, but like so many other women here, it is the dishonesty that breaks my heart.

I'm stuck at a dead end. He's doing his best, but I still feel like crying all the time. All I want is him. I just wish he felt the same way about me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008):

I recently stumbled across some porn on my boyfriends computer also...

We've been together for 2 years and i love him very very much, but knowing that hes looking at another woman naked and masturbating to her... makes me absolutely sick.

The worst part is that he and I rarely ever have sex. He's always "too tired" or just doesn't feel like it. I hate thinking that he's too tired to have sex with me, but somehow hes able to look at porn and jerk off.

This whole issue has been nagging at me non-stop for the past week, it's become all that i think about and i find myself crying like crazy every few hours or so. I can't believe that something as stupid as some pornstar whore can be questioning whether i should still stay with my boyfriend.

I actually built up enough courage to confront him about it, and he promised he wouldnt look at porn anymore, but I sadly feel like i cant trust him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

For a very long time I have felt like I was just crazy and way to jealous. I am glad to see that I don't stand alone on ths issue. My bofriend had convinced me that I was crazy and all of this porn stuf was okay and everybody did it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

I came home early from work the other day and I found my boyfriend of 3 years in bed, no pants, computer screen closed down... obviously had just been masturbating to porn. Well, he has been masturbating to porn and RELIGIOUSLY lying to me about it for about 7 months now, but this time was different. I opened up the computer and saw some sort of "recorded" file... and the other day I found out that he paid a rather large amount of money (that he can't contribute to groceries, mind you)to become a VIP member on one of those live video chat porn websites...

So he is OBVIOUSLY doing some sort of video cyber sex with other women!! I'm sorry, but that's not just porn for porn's sake... that is CHEATING! Am I right?!? I mean, my god, some filthy little slut is CALLING OUT HIS NAME and masturbating WITH HIM!!

I have been juggling with this for a long time. I love him. I love him so much... and to think, in the beginning I was the one saying that all men looked at porn and HE was the one vehemently denying it!!

He is SO hard to talk to, so defensive, he just freaks out... when I went over to his computer he got VERY physical and aggressive keeping me away from it...pushed me aside and nearly broke the damn computer! And every other time in the past, somehow he manages to turn around everything on me!I even tried to do it with him, and have suggested it several times, and when I did I felt SO disgusting and repulsive... I just wanted something to not be a lie. And he is just so embarrassed and ashamed-- it took months of maneuvering on part just to get him to do it once... Have I become paranoid, damn straight-- but whose fault is that? I would have NEVER spied on him before I figured out how prone to lying he is.

But honestly, I think he has some sort of larger problem that he needs help with. I always want to help him, I want to help him so bad... and whenever I try he rejects me and gets angry...

I feel... lost.

HOW did I, a very sensible woman (or was), become one of "those" women?

If we break up... I'm swearing off "monogamous" relationships with men (because they obviously are NOT) and I'm just going to either sleep around or become asexual...

Thoughts?

Seriously, I've tried everything. I know that if I could step outside myself, well, I'd be a single woman right now... but he always manages to manipulate what I want or what he lied about into what I did wrong... and I fall for it every time...

Guess it probably says more about me than him, huh?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

Oh my god. This is the best thing I could have ever possibly stumbled upon. I have been with my boyfriend for three years-- and I just feel so used. I have put up with so much of this crap... As a matter of fact, I'm drowning myself in a bottle of cabernet right now because of it... Obviously, not the best way to "handle" things. I just can't do this anymore!!

WHY are they such bastards!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

I actually have had the problem my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years 3 the 23 of this month.. And I have caught him.. Well not caught.. But seen websites as I was trying to find out wjy the computer had a virus. Come to find out he had videos..pictures.. And so on of naked woman doing things... not only did this hurt me... but he told me he's not into that type of stuff.. So I believed him.. He has told me he thinks that stuff is ignorant.. But come to find out... I guesss I was the ignorant one believin and feedin in 2 his lies.. And what hurt me even more.. Later on that day as I was cleanin the computer room.. I seen a sock in the garbage pale under all the trash all sticky.. I took it out and their was cum all over it.. Right then and there.. I dropped n cried.. I couldn't believe he had done so.. Our sex life was great.. And it was to that now? I confronted him n he said I don't do that.. Wen I showed him the sock... he got really defensive... and I couldn't believe.. Untill he finally admitted the truth... or so I think.. He was "mad" at me one day.. N did so... till this day I think he still looks @ it becuz he'd deletes his page history.. And says the computer does it automatically.. Which I know for a fact it doesn't.. Since then I felt low about myself.. Like if I wasn't good enough.. So iono.. I guess guys will doo nothing but hurt us.. Till one day we do it back 10 times worse..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008):

I just want to say I am so grateful that there are other people who are speaking up about this issue. I allowed my boyfriend to convince me that I was alone in not accepting his porn addiction with the standard justification, "all guys watch porn, they're visual creatures, and their girlfriends accept it." My intuition always told me, flat out, that this statement was WRONG. The problem is that porn isn't just destructive to the male - if the woman has a low self esteem, then the low self esteem will believe the boyfriend's lies. In fact, the low self esteem will feed off of his porn addiction. And the lower the self esteem gets for the girlfriend, the more justified the boyfriend feels in watching porn, and the cycle continues. The result is a sickly fast-paced downward spiral, which is why so many posts on this site point out that even if you think watching some porn is fine, it eventually will destroy relationships. But realizing that if you have low self esteem, you may actually be feeding your boyfriend's porn addiction, is actually very empowering to women. You CANNOT LISTEN to his justifications any more! They are lies. Many people on this site have addressed their boyfriend's constant lying. A man who wouldn't normally lie will lie about porn because it is his addiction talking, not him. That is why you shouldn't allow yourself to get hurt - you need to take action. Women should not settle for their boyfriend watching porn. I realized last night that this way of looking at things is a revelation that can help you cope with your boyfriend: don't feel insecure if he's watching porn, because it isn't your boyfriend talking, it's his addiction. It's just like "the bottle" talking for the alcoholic. Realizing that the man whom I loved so much was NOT the same as the voice admitting to me that he wanted to watch women being molested is what allowed me to keep my sanity. These are some of the signals that show when it is his addiction, not the man you love, who is currently in control: 1) One of the key signals is that when you try to have a happy relationship with him, his eyes fall to half mast with utter boredom at the thought of being in a loving relationship, you either need to hold yourself back from him and try to bring out his real side, the side that loves you and currently being stifled by his addiction, or if that doesn't work, you absolutely must leave him. He is proving that he would rather listen to the addictive voice in his head than his true feelings. 2)He may even get angry and overly critical whenever anything expressing happiness or joy enters his reality, such as a positive song or movie. My boyfriend, for example, cannot STAND it when I put on the Beatles. He says it's stupid and lame, and uses one of his addictive voice's main arguments, the 50s paradigm of ignorance, as his main justification for sneering at anything that makes me feel happy. He'll make up reasons why that happiness is not "real," when the reality is that the voice talking is not "real." Being happy isn't an impossibility, unless you've committed yourself to a controlling negative addiction. 3)If he is at least at the stage where he doesn't lie about watching porn, he will justify it with the lowest common denominator, i.e., every man does it. Sorry, but other men hurting themselves along with you isn't a reason to destroy your life by shutting down the woman the "real" you loves and becoming incapable of emotion. 4) One that has been pointed out by others on this site: your boyfriend only wants sex when you don't. Do you know why this happens? It's because as soon as you stop believing the addictive voice that speaks for your boyfriend, telling you he MUST watch porn, his real side comes out, the side that loves you and wants you. But the addictive side is ego-based, and the ego cannot stay happy for long. So you find that as soon as you listen to your boyfriend, who is actually without knowing it at all working for his addictive side, is using his charm to coax you into sex, and then the addictive side takes over again and doesn't want you as soon as the sex is over. That is why, I implore you, to either refrain from giving your boyfriend a bunch of loving emotion that he doesn't currently deserve until his real voice can get strong enough again to heal, or if he doesn't appreciate you enough for that voice to ever come back, and he continues to listen to his addiction, he's a lost cause and must be left to his own misery.

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A female reader, drlouislynx Canada +, writes (8 February 2008):

I have the same problem. To all the men out there who say, "its just what guys do", to make you aware of the problem, it devastates the women you supposedly love. I just found porn on my boyfriend's computer. I'm confronting him about tonight. I wasn't snooping, but in fact was looking for photos I had been working on and had saved to a random file folder in a hurry. When I went looking for my photos, a video clip came up that was 2 hours long...

I have, or thought I had a loving relationship with him. Sexually our relationship was great. Although, I have noticed my sex drive has been higher than his lately. He turned me down for video games the other night, and apparently has been jerking off to these other girls. If he wants to get his rocks off, I'm his girlfriend, I'm here, although I'm starting to wonder for how long. Obviously I feel inadequate and sick inside. Although I know its not "my problem", at the same time, he's thought about other women when jerking off...what does that make me? Maybe I should just go out and flirt it up with a million guys, better yet, in front of him...see how he feels. But, I am a bigger person than that. I don't know how to bring it up to him, I really didn't think he was one to objectify women. I was wrong. Now I'm left feeling like chop suey.

The thing is, why is it we women feel we have to settle? I don't ever think about having sex with someone other than my boyfriend. He is (was?) the man of my dreams. Why is it we feel we can't demand monogamy both physical and mental from our men?

I like the chick that said we're the weaker sex. We don't resort to images on a computer to get off...who's weaker?

To answer you question sweetie, I would confront him. You're a goddess, and if he doesn't realize what he has, you have to, and make the decision to value yourself even if he doesn't. There are good men out there. We just have to be vigilant in our search.

Hoping for a happy ending...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008):

Porn causes the person that looks at it to get a distorted attitude towards sex. They become use to masturbating to a detatched image. There is a growing huge problem with men who look at porn, these men have low sex drives with the woman that love them. They no longer desire sex with a person that they are attatched to, because they have become accustomed to sex with images, they will not have a reason why they don't want sex often. Many times these men will be more aroused by a partner that doesn't or pretends not to want sex. Check to see if they are into rape porn or bondage. Every woman I talk to that has a complaint that their boyfriend does not want sex, the men are porn addicts. I researched this online by googling "my boyfriend only wants sex if I don't" I found in every article they mentioned he looked at porn, but none of these women seen the conection. They didn't understand why he could look at porn and masturbate all the time but not want sex. Well duh no brainer there.

Plain and simple there are many disorders and problems that arise from porn. If your a christian you know the bible says if you look at a woman with lust you have commited adultry. If your not religious, I can tell you that every single thing the bible warns about there is a logical reason why. As studies come out in droves it is plain to see that Porn is destructive. People need to understand that sex is 99% mental. If you are looking at porn then you begin over time to adapt to what you are looking at. Many child molesters, started out by watching regular porn, that becomes not enough, so then they go to bondage, then on to the many adds for lolita or kiddie porn, its a vicious circle....eventually the porn is not enough and they act it out on a real child..but it all started innocently enough with the porn. Child molestors even use porn during their abuse, showing it to the children, filming the horrible acts they perform on children. Porn is destructive, it's not evil just because, there is a reason it is evil. It takes people down roads they never thought they would go. I have been studying this subject for nearly 24 years now. Not all porn addicts go to child molesting some go down other delightful roads such as snuff films (real sex murders on film) eventually the films are not enough and the serial killer is born. The history of these serial killers the ones willing to talk about their life is testament to how they got started. It all comes back to porn. So if your some naive woman who thinks that porn is innocent and all guys do it therefore it's OK, well then I am here to make you no longer ingnorant, Porn is destructive and unhealthy at the very least it will make a normal sex life with someone they love impossible. Tell your man you won't tolerate this destructive behaviour. Educate yourself on the destructiveness of porn. Research and show him the statistics. Humans were designed to have a sex drive, they were designed to have sex with emotion and love. Porn and masturbation to porn distorts this process. Animal were created to have sex with the strongest male for the survival of the species. Women are designed to have sex with men they love, because humans are social creatures and to survive a lifetime relationship you have to get along, therefore you fall in love, hence you have sex with the one you love, hence survival of humanity. If you make a family with someone you don't love (because they are abusive) you have the breakdown of humanity. Children are born in disfunctional families, bad learned behaviour is repeated, and the vicious cycle continous until someone insightful is born and breaks the cycle. Women need to set higher standards in who they choose to breed with, humanity rest on the shoulders of women. It is our responsibility to have set standards in choosing a mate, if he lies to someone else he will lie to you, why do you still go out with him? If he is addicted to porn you will be disatisfied sexually with him, why do you allow it? WAKE UP WOMEN the world is a mess and we have no one to blame but ourselves for the stupid choses we make in mates.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008):

To me, its not so mcuh the porn thats the problem, but the lying thats involved. I can beg and beg for him to just tell me the truth, but he will always deny it unless I prove him wrong with evidence of the porn. We watch it together, so why does he have to lie about it on his own? How can you trust in a relationship wheres theres no honesty? Why does he feel that he has to lie?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007):

i have excactly the same problem.. and its horrible, i was on my boyfriends computer and as i typed into another website i saw all these addresses for porn websites... loads of them! and it turned out he was looking at it all the time. i confronted him about it but he didnt really seem like he was gona talk about it, and he just said 'no i dont' but i know he does.

it does make me feel like i cant satisfy him and used and its like a horrible feeeling.

i know most guys do look at porn, but the ammount he looked at it just really wasnt necessary.

he wouldnt like it if i looked at loads of guy porn, i know he wouldnt, so why is it alright for him to look at it? i dont know what to do, i say to him that it upsets me and i dont like it but he just says he doesnt do it anymore, which i know is a lie.

i think one of the other reasons that it really gets to me, is that hes so secreteive about it, and he doesnt tell me and he isnt very open aboout it :( .. haha i even suggested watching porn with him but hes just so emmbarised to talk about it.

would there be any way that i could get him back? or just turn him off it and more onto me (probably impossible but i wud b willing to try)

please reply :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007):

I love how all men use the excuse "It was a pop up!" Looking at those bimbos online all the time must make them believe that we're just as dumb and will believe that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007):

This is it ladies...let me tell you....the consequences of porn.

I was in a relationship for 7 years only to find that he was using porn throughout the relationship....i left him...after 7 years...he was my first love.

i vowed never to be in this situation again....but here i am...again in this situation.

PORN is a form of betrayel. My partner is an addict and is trying to give up...he is not giving up because he sees anything wrong with it...but only because i caught him and threatened to leave.

This is the problem with porn.

Your man masturbates to pornography, naked girls doing disgusting things....

there is no emotional attachment to the images..so it is now only an object.

he touches himself looking at an object....

Here is where the problem begins...

When you are out with your man...see if he perves at women..or has the look of lust..

see men who masturbate to an object or an image...will associate that....to women in the street.

If a woman walks past and he finds her attractive...he will probably be adding her to all the rest of the images/object in his head...then will probably masturbate to her

MEANING.....he is mentally cheating on you..that is how i see it.

Everyone saids...oh all guys do it...oh its a man thing..

that is crap.

If he cannot stop watching porn...he is addicted.

if he wasnt addicted, it would be easy to stop.....like anything...

but if he cant..well there you go...

that is how i see it.

this is entirely my opinion...

porn ruins relationships...breaks trust...causes all sorts of insecurities in the woman...because..she is the one there for him...and he doesnt value his partners feelings.

you decide...

take care

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

If you have a problem with it he should understand and honor you by not watching it. Most guys think that they are the only ones with girlfriends or wives that are disgusted by porn and disagree with their man watching or looking at it. Porn is more than just the completely naked women in movies and on the internet. Sexual hints using the body can also be concidered porn depending on the situation. The girl OR guys do NOT have to be naked. If you have enough respect for your lover then you will pry yourself away from the things she doesn't like, just as she would turn away from things you didn't agree with. If she has a problem with it, perhaps it is something deeper in her or the relationship that holds her back from knowing that you don't just do it to look at the other girls. Maybe there is a past insecurity where she has been hurt. You need to understand this and help her with it. Not beat her up about it and lie to cover your own ass. If you look or see something, let her know so that she learns that she can trust you without you holding back just because you think she will get mad. Yes, she probably will, but in the end, you told her the truth, and she'll realize that and start trusting you and maybe accept that you don't always seek things out, sometimes it's just un-avoidable.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

I want to encourage all of the women who have posted on this site to follow your feelings of righteousness. You deserve to be with a man who values and respects you and your body. Do not settle for a man who is addicted to porn. Ask him to stop. If he does not stop, leave him. There are many good men in the worl who will value your relationship enough to stay away from getting off on other women having sex. You must value yourself enough to stand up for what you know is right. A man who is addicted to porn wants to have it all. That's dangerous to your relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007):

Like many of the other women have written, I innocently found porn on my boyfriend's computer (I wasn't looking for it) We've been together for about 16 months, and I'm generally very happy with him. for some reason I figured he wouldn't be the type to watch it (how stupid was I?) Anyways...initially I felt sick and of course inadequate. This is especially because he frequently turns down sex. So to me this makes no sense. My first thought was that I must be really unattractive, but then I really considered this and figured this couldn't be really the right answer; I'm in shape and young and frequently have guys hit on me. So is the answer he's bored of me? Or maybe I'm not that attractive to HIM. I always figured I wouldn't be the type to really care about this type of thing b/c I know "how guys are" but it's been driving me crazy, and it makes me feel sick every time i think about it. I don't have a problem with the porn itself, it's just why is he turning me down one night and then watching porn the next night when I'm not there? We had a discussion before about his lack of sex drive and he assured me it was nothing to do with me, he was just stressed out and tired (which is understandable b/c of his work) but things just don't add up, and I don't really want to bring it up to him. What should I do??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

This is a big question. Feminine beauty is alluring and we do want more and more and to objectify women more and more, but if it is only fantasy, is it so bad. I guess it is if it becomes an addiction which takes time and energy from a diverse and healthy life.

Talk to your partner. Don't be afraid to deal with it together. I'm glad there are other people dealing with this issue and it's not just me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

I do not think that women should accept the "at least he is not at a strip club" reasoning to put up with utter garbage. Why do women need to compare their boyfriends to total assholes in order to feel better about the boyfriends? I have an idea: if he is going to strip clubs, get rid of him (because he is cheating on you...and he is paying to cheat on you.....why would it be excusable because he pays for it?) and if he won't stop buying porn, get rid of him (because he is also cheating on you, with photographs of other women). You don't have to accept dirt - there are better guys out there. The old, "boys will be boys" and "men are visual creatures" is all bullshit too that is meant to excuse bad behaviour in men. Guys do not NEED to look at porn, they look at porn because they are selfish. I think that if a guy is in a committed relationship, he should be spending his time, money and sexual energy on the woman he is with, not on some utter whore that has no shame.

Someone said we women should be happy because our boyfriends are not with real women, or looking at real women. What do you think they are? Cartoons? They are photographs, touched up to perfection, of REAL women. Why should he have photos of other naked women? I thought that he was in a relationship with me. What makes men think that women should settle for garbage treatment like that? Sure, it is normal for men to view pornography if normal for them is totally selfishness with little regard for any else's feelings.

I also think that pornography is the pursuit of the immature. Grow up already. Have a real relationship. Sitting and jerking off in front of your computer is not having a real relationship. It is pure, unadulterated retardedness.

Yes, men and women are different, but if you are with someone, you need to give up what you want if it is not good for both of you. Women do it all the time.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007):

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I love him to death. But, we have this porn issue that just will not seem to end. I have discussed it to the "brick wall" several times and each time do NOT get a PROMISE that it will never happen again, although he does feel sorry and is very upset after he sees how upset and inadequate it makes me feel. I just don't know how to handle the situation further except to leave. I am obvioulsy not happy. So perhaps I should. Any suggestions on how to make him stop?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007):

hey iv got the same porblem, iv been with my boyfriend on and off for bout 16 months now, yeah we've had our ups and downs, but at the end of it all i still love him. yesterday i was on the history trying to look for a website ud been on the day before, an my eyes caught lists and lists of these porn sites. i felt sick to be honest, the thought of my guy having to look at these cos im not good enough for him, i humerously confronted him bout it but he said it musta been his lil bro, cos its his pc an all, but theres somethig niggling in the back of my mind that says its not, cos iv found pics like that before. to tell u the truth it hurts, really hurts, we have a great sex life at the weeknds,cs we live so far away,but i tried to make sure he wouldnt need to want to look at it, i even made some naughty vids myself for him. im scared if i confront him about it again he'l argue with me and leave me. i also found an "how to be an alpha male" doc on the pc, i just hope he isnt cheating.for the first year i had complete trust in him, till he broke up with me and met up with a girl, they never had sex or anything, but it made me so insecure. being 17 doesnt help, he says im rly clingy cos of my age, that jus make me feel even worse cos i feel as tho im not wht he wants, even thought he's everything i do. some of u may say chill out and let him be, but u obviously dont understand how much it hurts to know ur man wants to get his rocks off over someone else.

sarah

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007):

If your guy won't admit its a problem (like so many of the "men" commenting online) - then you should end it. He's made the emotional connection and commitment to the piece of paper or the screen - he hasn't got anything left for you except pretense. Porn requires the user to keep increasing the dose (more extreme imagery) - weaning off it doesn't work. It requires a double life (thought life and real life) but the user eventually prefers the make-believe life to the real one. As the imagery moves to more and more extreme it always requires the woman to become objectified - why do you think the "men" caught in this trap so much want to climax "on their partner" not "with their partner". Why the emphasis on role playing - you can bet the playful role he's suggesting is only the tip of the iceberg he's really thinking about. You guys in denial out there, get real! Normal sex in a committed loving relationship where your partner feels valued and secure in your consideration and affection for her and where she feels confident that she can share her body and soul with you is awesome beyond belief - it's not second rate but what you've been conned into persuing by the porn merchants certainly is!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

I found my partners lack of interest in me sexually was deeply hurtful. So I talked about it with him. He told me that he had a low sex drive, so as a loving partner I accepted it and dealt with it the best I could,even though it was frustrating for me. But something began to nag at me. Call it womens intuition. It became so strong that I decided I had to listen to it. So I went through all of his things. I know it was wrong but talking to him was not working. And what did I find! porn.porn and more porn. To say I was shocked and deeply hurt is an understatement. It was all hidden, and that brought up distrust,betrayl and feeling more like a landlady to him rather than the beautiful, loving, sensual woman I,am. I tried to talk about it in a way he would feel no shame. Explaining how I felt. But months on, still no sex and still more porn. Porn is harmful!! It is a drug they need more and more of, and what they watch becomes harder and harder porn, until normal real warm blooded sex with a real woman seems very boring and dull to them. Not to mention they are so wanked out what juice is there left! Real men love real women more than images or there hand. I know that many men have taken things to the edge and gone onto chat rooms, live cams, and always end up meeting other women behind there partners back. Is porn bad. YES. but most men would disagree because it takes more effort to please a real woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007):

I know this comes a bit late but I just noticed the conversation. With the utmost sensitivity intended - I speak from some experience, both personal and counselling others - looking at porn is not harmless to your relationship, it will eventually destroy it completely. Don't reject this statement out of hand, do the research yourself. You are right to be worried but if you love your partner, don't ditch him, urge him to seek help. Google porn addiction and you will find help sites by Christians, muslims, bhuddists and non-religious groups.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007):

If a relationship is loving and you are both happy in the relationship it doesn't matter. But if either one of you is not happy then the consequences can be extremely damaging and traumatic, it can split families, cause suspicion, paranoia. If it upsets one person and the other chooses to ignore that then you've got a real problem. If one person is upset by it and the other doesn't care that you are upset by it then they don't care about your feelings and so don't love you the way you need to be loved. More often than not there is an underlying cause. If it makes you unhappy either get counselling or leave

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

Guys look @ porn cuz that what we do & we like it,It like the way girls look guys abs and stuff except we go a bit further.It only fantasy,It stuff we dnt really like 2 do with our girl friends it be 2 wired 4 them. It don't mean ur man dnt love u it just sum thing he like to do,my girlfriend sometime watches it with me (only stuff she would dose not find weired). anyway it noting to worry about so get over it maybe you should join him or look sumthings u like ask him how dus he feel

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007):

I just found out that my boyfriend has been looking at porn, and i felt exactly the same way. i felt betrayed, unattractive and depressed. i know at first i over reacted because i couldnt believe that he had really been looking at it while we were going out...and on our one year anniversay!!! he explained to me that he was thinking about me the whole time and didnt just do it for the fun of it. but we never really got any "alone time" recently and he needed some way to "relieve himself" so to speak. i know that every single guy looks at it, and theres nothing i can do to stop it. i think that if your boyfriend really cares about you and is staisfied with you and your sex life, and what hes doing is upsetting you, then i think he should be a little more considerate, and stop.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007):

women probably wouldnt be around if they didnt have holes. lets face it, we bitch all the time, cry all the time, want to talk about emotions, we are obviously weaker and not as smart as men. we should feel lucky. give your guy what he wants. if you find him looking at porn, its because you arent hot

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006):

To the poster who called men 'pathetic creatures' and 'perverted bastards." I don't understand how women like you can call men chauvenistic, or say such things, when you're on a forum bad talking him. I'm sorry, did he look at some eye candy? Oh my gosh! I think he might be a dirty, perverted bastard! Do you have /any/ idea what you're talking about? Whatsoever? Porn. Is. Eye-Candy. If it interfered with your relationship, if it hurt your sex life, if it effected you in anyway other than exploiting certain insecurities, then there is no problem. If your relationship has been doing great, and you found porn? So what? Why are you listening to female advice? Men masturbate constantly. Everyday. I masturbate everyday. I like masturbating every single day. Have I done it to porn before? Yes, I have. At the time, it didn't bother my girlfriend. Later, it bothered her a bit, so I stopped. Simple as that. If it bothers you, truely, and deeply, talk to him about it. If all he is doing is looking at some eye-candy and doing the thing that men do, then it's not a big deal! Be happy he's taking care of his sexual desire at home, and not out at some strip club, you know? If your relationship takes a turn for the worst, and you think it's because of that, it's an issue, confront him and fix it. But, remember, men and women are different. Men get turned on by visual stimulation; that's why majority of ads on television revolve around this. He's in love with you! That's what matters. He's not out cheating. He's just doing what he's been doing since he was 14. It's fine. ;)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2005):

i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and yesterday found a site oon the history with dirty sluts on it...he denied it at first then i bullied him into confessing!! It makes you feel like you dont really know them...and that he is a dirty pervert!! But then you have to ask yourself the question.." Are all men dirty bastards??" Dont forgetmen are pathetic creatures and possibly they simply cant resist looking if they know its there?? Its doing my head in at the moment as i cant stop thinking about it!! His face was a classic!! Felt like telling him to leave but then part of me was thinking...lets face it..men are PATHETIC PERVERTS...even the quiet ones!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2005):

I used to be exactly like that, but I got over it. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable or whatever, let him know. I mean, he’s a guy and they usually do that sort of stuff. They’re very visual creatures and as long as they aren’t real women he’s looking at on the computer, it shouldn’t do any harm. I’ve heard the same excuse from someone before, but I just don’t let it get to me. Wouldn’t you rather him be wanting you and looking at chicks on the computer, then looking at real chicks while he’s on there???

I’m not quite sure how to say what I’m trying to say, but I’m just saying don’t worry about it. If he’s not taking any sex away from you and still appreciates what you guys have, then cherish it. Looking at porn or whatever is something a guy just does. It’s natural for many to do that, as long as it don’t get in the way of your guys’ relationship everything should be fine for you then.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2005):

You guys sound young - I'm married 17 years, and I know that if I had access to what exists on the net when I was in my early 20's, I probably would never have left my room! Porn was always a curiosity; now that the most extreme images/videos are only a click a way, it is truly hard to resist for many people, I believe.

Regarding your boyfriend, I wonder how and why you were checking out his computer. Had something made you insecure about him? I believe he probably was visiting some nasty sites despite your satisfying sex life. Many guys simply crave the visual, and want to see a variety of images(voyeurism). Is this any different than if you caught him masturbating? Would that be as insulting to you?

Please realize and accept that guys are different than you -- looking at porn is hardly a substitute for a healthy relationship, but many guys use it as an escape or a fantasy. If you talk to him reasonably and non-judgementally, it may entice him to share and open up to you. The tone of your letter, however, suggests that you feel angry and betrayed. This will no doubt lead to feelings of embarassment/guilt on his part, and ruin the potential for a promising relationship.

Let it go, or question him non-judgementally.

Good luck!

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