| A ,
anonymous
writes: I may well be over reacting, but i found a visited website address on my partners computer, he told me it was a pop up, but i dont think thats true, because he has had them blocked, as may people do.
We have been together for 5 months, have a great relationship and a fantastic sex life. We have talked very openly about past relationships and i found out that with his last one, they didnt have sex for 2 years so porn and looking after himself was the only sex life that he had.
I was very upset when i spotted this on his pc, i confronted him about it, but he says he dosent look, he dosent need to.
I know i should believe him, but i cant, its made me feel insecure and i feel as though im not good enough for him, if he needs to look at this stuff. I feel its degrading what we have and insulting.
Do you think im over reacting?? Or am i right to feel this way. I am really upset by this and feel silly talking to him about it, i dont want to lose him, but i know im obsessing about this.
I just cant get it from my mind.
Please help.
View related questions:
insecure, porn, sex life Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): I was young and naive when I got married. I had never looked at porn and really didn't know a lot about a computer. I can tell you that a lot of things my husband did caused a lot of issues and to this day I have not fully gotten over everything. I have been divorced for several years.No, not every man is like him, but it sure scarred me. I now have limitations on fantasies and "out-of-the-box" sexual acts because I have such a physically and mentally warped perception of them now. I can tell you that because of the things that he did, I can no longer cope with masturbation or any form of pornography. It's not insecurity, a lot of it just has to do with the fact that what my ex-husband was doing was just gross. Here's just a few of the things he did: 1. Made of video of himself masturbating while watching a porn. Found the video hidden. 2. Paid for porn sites (both gay and straight sites).3. Found someone on the internet and met with her to have sex. Found the email about how he would just "tell my wife that I'm going out with the guys" so he could meet with her secretly. 4. Had a threesome with his best friend (male) and the stripper girlfriend. 5. Wasn't sure of his sexuality. Told me that I was the one who made him question is sexuality. Love them or not ladies, you need to decide to either get out or overcome. I chose to get out, but I can tell you that I have truly never "overcome" even now. It was a truly devastating experience for me. Although there was a lot more than that, I can only offer the advice that if it bothers you with your current partner, it will bother you regardless of who you are with. For the men out there - understand that some women have possibly had a traumatic experience and it goes beyond just the "I don't want you looking at porn" insecurity reasons that people tend to throw out there, it could be much deeper.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): Hold on let me take a deep breath.Looking at porn has nothing, I will repeat that, NOTHING to do with your relationship. to think otherwise is silly. We look at porn to kill time, we look at porn for pleasure in the same way we would flip on the tv, there is nothing more to it. I am engaged to be married my fiance and I go at it like for at least 2 hours a day. She knows I look at porn occasionally and has no problem with it whatsoever. If she looked at porn, I would have no problem with it, as a matter of fact it would probably turn me on.Get a grip.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): You know, I've been looking at this issue on a lot of sites because I had the same issue and I'm kind of sick of it. I don't buy into the "it's just men" thing in terms of a justification. Most people will do whatever society allows them to do, and that's it. So back a hundred years ago, your man would very likely be saying the same thing about sleeping with another woman, because that's just what men did. What changed, frankly, was the woman's movement, and women insisting on some changes. I do think this means maybe not ending up with a guy (maybe not any guy), and each person would have to decide for herself whether that, for her, was a better choice than being with a less-than-stellar guy. It's a choice, and I can see making either one.
But I think there's another question that matters too, maybe even more--what kind of porn? A Playboy magazine is pretty different from a Teen Anal video, though both will be widely available. Basically, for me, someone who is into porn that is pretty much the kind of sex I like to have is pretty much ok--I wouldn't mind watching either. But if someone likes watching stuff that I think humiliates people (and what this line is would vary from person to person--for me I think even anal is too much, because it hurts and I think what people get off on in watching it is often about doing something to someone that hurts) that's not ok with me. There are some things I wouldn't watch even if I found them arousing, because some stuff is part of what I consider pretty negative human impulses--like the pleasure of hurting or dominating someone. I think the pleasure of that is real, but I don't think it's healthy or should be encouraged. (For example, I think history shows pretty clearly that genocide is also a natural human tendency, but that doesn't mean we should support it.)
So, good luck to you all, whatever you decide. And keep your dignity and self-love intact.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): All of these posts should be telling us something...that as long as men have access to porn on computers, they WILL look at it, and theres nothing we can do to change that. I have the same problem...boyfriend spends lots of time looking at porn on his computer, but denies it to my face. He pays to access site content and that hurts me more than the actual looking itself. But you have a choice, you can stay with him and realise that you can't rely on him for you happiness (only YOU can make you happy), or leave and find someone else....only to find they they too look at porn. its catch 22, especially when you've been with him a long time and invested alot into the relationship. i think that alot of girls have low self esteem and this makes porn hard to accept. But i say let them have it...go and make ur own fun. theyre not worth crying over.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): i've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, and about a year ago i had found out he was looking at porn. i explained to him how it makes me feel: insecure, ugly, ashamed, guilty, and that it really hurt me. he promised me he would never look at porn again. a few months after that, i found out he was looking at porn again, and had been lying to me for months. i got so upset and he swore to me 'never, never, never again' would be look at pron and hurt me. a few months after that i found out hes looking at porn AGAIN, at the time i though this is insane, but he again promised me over and over again, swearing on his life blah blah blah. so ,last night, about 6 months after the last time, he was drunk and it slipped that he was looking at porn again, and had been for a while. every time this happens he cries his face off and tries to hurt himself and its awful, i just end up trying to calm him down rather then be legitimately upset myself. i dont know what to do, at first it was about the porn, but now its mostly about him constantly lying to me. i love him with all my heart and soul but i can't be lied to anymore. i just feel so low and upset that he's willing to choose porn over me. please help me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Hm. when i first started going out with my boyfriend I knew he looked at Porn, but after a month, I asked him to stop.. I was Niave. I just found out recently that he had looked at porn to question himself to see if he liked it.. Does this means he likes it? And he uses that as an excuse?
Or does he actually not look at it anymore..
I think the thing that bothered me the most is the lying side of things.
I need someones opinion. :/
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): I did ballet and all types of dancing since i was three years old. I never had a real 'dancers' body and have always been reminded of that. I have low self image issues and i work hard everyday of my life to combat them. I knew my boyfreind regulary looked at porn but after a year or so I asked him to stop. I feel I have a right to feel enough for him. I have told him that if he wants to look at it then he just does and there is nothing i can do about it, and that he is just not the man for me. I have sat down with him and explained to him several times that if he is looking at porn how deeply that would affect my self worth and concept. I understand it is not attractive being low in confidence, but i try very hard to get through everyday and not critcise my body. My boyfreind and i have been together for 3 years and i found he had been watching porn movies of several girls. I literally could not breathe and could not understand how he could watch someone who is NOT me commit sexual acts. I am extremely hurt, and truly believe that if i had a socially 'better' body he would not have watched the porn..i can not even begin to explain how i feel...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): See, I wouldn't mind about the porn if it wasn't for the not having sex with me thing.
My boyfriend uses the same excuses--low sex drive, sex etc. And boy was I surprised when I accidently found a TON of porn on his computer one day.
I felt like such a sucker for believing him. He was interested in sex--just not with me.
Good luck finding a guy who doesn't look at it. Unless they are in the woods without computer access I think we're stuck with no sex.
They obviously are fulfilled by masturbation but unfortunately it's not the same for women...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Hi I can relate to everything you say I met my partner 8 years ago at first although not frequent sex was really good then four years ago he announced that he no longer wanted sex with me or any other woman I was a bit shocked but took on board what he said and like yoursrelf the relationship to me was a lot more than sex. I am a young forty and for my age doing well I cant understand why he doesent want to touch me or even go near me not even for a close cuddle up yet will look at what I call gutter level women on porn sites, Like you say he deletes the history thats a dead give away and starts acting guilty for example a cuddle or kiss for no particular reason but being a woman we recognise guilty consience straight off so I know exactly when he has been looking. It really upsets me but if I dare say anything he just kicks off saying about his privacy and im snooping in his life. There is no way I could ever compete with what he looks at women with very large chests mine are a 38d considered a fair size I thought but he doesnt go any where near me we sleep in the same bed but very rarely does he get close to me. It makes me feel so second rate like the other woman in a relationship the one who gets to cook clean and take care off him and nothing in return no love or affection. I have confided in a couple of my close friends and they say I should finish with him I deserve to be treated better but it's so hard, I love him so much he still makes me laugh and can be kind to me but I can't bear to think of him looking at porn when I am a willing bed partner, it makes me feel so angry and rejected and worthless any ideas what to do?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I know how you feel. Lately, my boyfriend has been looking at porn more and more. I can check the history on his computer and find up to 15 porn sites a day. When I asked him about it, he freaked out on me and said he has "no privacy." I have a reason to be concerned, though. Everything is changing in our relationship. I do everything imagineable for him--help him study, help him with money matters, small things to show I care. Anymore, though, he doesn't appreciate any of it, and we seem to argue all of the time. Our sex life has definitely changed, too--it was great before, but now it's like he's not even interested...and he admitted to me it's because "[he] looks at porn enough [he] doesn't even want anything sexual." I'd be fine with nothing sexual. My relationship is more important to me than that, but I am NOT okay with being second place to him getting pleasure from other females. It really makes a person feel worthless to know that this is the man you have feelings for, and other women are the women he's basing his life around. People may think I'm overreacting. Trust me, once upon a time, I would have agreed with you. It's just porn, right? No, it's really not. It really does ruin relationships.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): point taken below, BUT i can almost guarantee that every time i leave the house my boyfriend is straight on the computer looking at his porn sites, its asthough hes got nothing better to do! surely that cant be the norm? Its asthough every time i leave the house he thinks to himself 'quick! nows my chance to look at porn or else i dont know when ill next be able to!'. It disturbs me, plus our sex life is almost none existent cos hes always 'tired', but hes not too tired to look at porn sites! I dont know what a picture or video on a screen can possibly be giving him that i, a real girl (and attractive) can not! any one feeling similar please reply!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I'm not that old.. but I'm not young either and I firmly believe that it is healthy for men to have something to drift away and be themselves. If it's a sports show or a fantasy world of porn, it's still sacred to him and should be important to you.For the girls that are upset at first, it's understandable, but trust me, we all have our guilty pleasures.. I personally do several things that he is not aware of and he is none the wiser..Live and let live.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): this site is giving me so much peace right now
i started dating my boyfriend and felt i could trust him completely. He had a girls aloud calendar on his wall, but i tried to think nothing of it, i was a naive 15 year old, and it didnt even come into my mind that he was looking at this thing when i wasnt there, and wanking off to it.
then one day i was on his laptop while he was out, and found all this shit in his youtube and google search bar, looking up all these famous women, and girls fingering themselves, and pictures of up girls skirts and women dressed as teachers. its completely broken me, and i cried and cried. at first he joked about it when i first asked him like yeah you know everyone does it. and i just cried for about 2 hours. for about 10 months it just wasnt the same and i couldnt be happy because everywhere i went there were pictures of these girls on the front of magazines and stuff. i still get up about it now, but i hide it better.
also the thing girls are saying about betrayal is worse, is true as well. he had pictures on his ipod of old girl mates in bikinis bending over and stuff, and when i found them before all of this, he was like omg they must have transferred from my old computer when i got my laptop. but later on, he admitted to using them as well, so he either lied that he didnt know they were on his ipod, or he used them after, when he knew i didnt like it
i really love him, but why did he do this to me?? why do men just not love us properly?? when we first start dating they seem to think were so special, but after thats passed, they have to look elsewhere. its just so degrading and hurtful
i wish women had the need to look at shit on the internet, maybe then they know how it felt, or at least we wouldnt care about what there looking at because were too busy fingering ourselves over a picture of some naked guy
i dont get it
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): i hate porn, i've been with my boyfriend a year and i've lost my virginity to him, and he's my first love but eventually porn will tear us apart, it sounds so dramatic but it makes me feel like i'm not good enough, and he must think 'i wish she had a body like that girl' or he thinks of other girls when he's having sex with me, i really really hate it
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): My boyfriend is always looking at porn and thinking that I was born yesterday and dont know that he's looking, even when I'm in the house! Ive come to accept that its a part of the relationship that I just cannot change (and yes I have tried the whole crying/threatening to leave/threatening to sell his computer thing and just none of it works. Im still not happy about it though. The thing that annoys me most is that we cant even get back at them by doing the same - women just aren't wired that way, and what's more they know it! and as one girl pointed out on her post, they will pay to access the content of these sites, yet they complain if that they dont have enough cash for this and that! unbelievable!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): No you are not over reacting at all. i have been with my boyfriend for 8 months not only he goes into porn but he goes into this amigente site and hi5 to chat with all this women and talk dirty to them. it hurts because is just like am not good enough for him. he has a serious problem. i don't even know what to do about. but i wish you the best of luck and if you have any ideas please share.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I think it's ok for a man or woman to go over porn sites. It's when they lie to you about it that bothers me. I'm incredibly open minded and accepting of porn. I had no insecurities whatsoever with my boyfriend using porn. But then he started lying about it each time we discussed it. I never questioned him based on insecurities, we just used to talk about sex as most healthy couples do. His natural desire for porn isn't what betrayed our relationship. It's that he lied about it; over and over again without having any bonafide reason to. After I discovered his lies, I asked him many times, "You felt comfortable with me, though right? I never made you feel as though you couldn't look at porn..right?" In fact, I suggested that at some point we should experience porn together. His response was, "Yes...I felt comfortable with you in every way possible." But..he still lied to me..and that's why I feel as betrayed as I do. Women on porn sites come and go. Honesty does not.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I cannot say what a relief it is to read the stories on this site! I've been crawling all the christian sites on the web looking for something to ease my pain, but nothing has given me the relief that I find from simply seeing how many others have similar struggles to me.
I know my boyfriend looked at porn a lot before he met me. We talked it over soon after we first started dating, and being both christians we were in perfect agreeance that it was harmful and should stop. He'd been trying to stop on his own, and wanted help, so I'd ask him gently every now and then how he was going just to keep him accountable. Every time he'd say that he had faced temptation, but overcome it and resisted. I was so so proud of him, until one day he told me that he had looked at porn. Something niggled inside me and I asked "when?", he revealed that it had been 3 months ago and he'd been lying to me every time I asked him since then. I know he loves me. I know it. But he lied to me! He lied straight to my face, with his arms around me, and then told me that he loved me. I just can't get past that. I think to myself "but he told you in the end" and I know that took courage, but I don't think he has any idea how much I'm hurting. I don't think he has any idea how many girls feel the same way.
My boyfriend is a GREAT guy - the best I've ever met. I believe that he is honestly trying his hardest to break this and that it is not easy. I am enormously proud of him for persisting with something he finds so difficult. I think it's harsh to call men scum for doing what they do (although I understand the feelings behind it entirely). I try not to make him feel any worse, because I know he feels guilty already. I just hold my sadness to myself. I still ask him like I always did, but I don't believe him when he says he hasn't looked anymore. He tells me it's hard to stop, especially when you get spam mail every day. I just don't understand it. We don't have sex because we're waiting for marriage, and he's so good at controlling himself around me, although I know he'd like sex. If he can resist a real woman, why can't he resist pictures on his computer? Surely I can do more for him than they can! Why are they so alluring that he can't say no to them when he turns me away with such ease? Now every time he gives in to me I worry that he's giving in to porn as well and lying to me about it again. Porn is so secretive in its nature that it destroys any trust within a relationship. I can cope with him looking at porn, but like so many other women here, it is the dishonesty that breaks my heart.
I'm stuck at a dead end. He's doing his best, but I still feel like crying all the time. All I want is him. I just wish he felt the same way about me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I think its only younger men that do this, when a man is older say 50, surely he has grown out of it, he cant be bothered and wants the real thing. I know for a fact my boyfriend doesnt do this because ive tested him, plus i keep him so busy he wouldnt have time!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I recently stumbled across some porn on my boyfriends computer also...
We've been together for 2 years and i love him very very much, but knowing that hes looking at another woman naked and masturbating to her... makes me absolutely sick.
The worst part is that he and I rarely ever have sex. He's always "too tired" or just doesn't feel like it. I hate thinking that he's too tired to have sex with me, but somehow hes able to look at porn and jerk off.
This whole issue has been nagging at me non-stop for the past week, it's become all that i think about and i find myself crying like crazy every few hours or so. I can't believe that something as stupid as some pornstar whore can be questioning whether i should still stay with my boyfriend.
I actually built up enough courage to confront him about it, and he promised he wouldnt look at porn anymore, but I sadly feel like i cant trust him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): For a very long time I have felt like I was just crazy and way to jealous. I am glad to see that I don't stand alone on ths issue. My bofriend had convinced me that I was crazy and all of this porn stuf was okay and everybody did it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): I came home early from work the other day and I found my boyfriend of 3 years in bed, no pants, computer screen closed down... obviously had just been masturbating to porn. Well, he has been masturbating to porn and RELIGIOUSLY lying to me about it for about 7 months now, but this time was different. I opened up the computer and saw some sort of "recorded" file... and the other day I found out that he paid a rather large amount of money (that he can't contribute to groceries, mind you)to become a VIP member on one of those live video chat porn websites...
So he is OBVIOUSLY doing some sort of video cyber sex with other women!! I'm sorry, but that's not just porn for porn's sake... that is CHEATING! Am I right?!? I mean, my god, some filthy little slut is CALLING OUT HIS NAME and masturbating WITH HIM!!
I have been juggling with this for a long time. I love him. I love him so much... and to think, in the beginning I was the one saying that all men looked at porn and HE was the one vehemently denying it!!
He is SO hard to talk to, so defensive, he just freaks out... when I went over to his computer he got VERY physical and aggressive keeping me away from it...pushed me aside and nearly broke the damn computer! And every other time in the past, somehow he manages to turn around everything on me!I even tried to do it with him, and have suggested it several times, and when I did I felt SO disgusting and repulsive... I just wanted something to not be a lie. And he is just so embarrassed and ashamed-- it took months of maneuvering on part just to get him to do it once... Have I become paranoid, damn straight-- but whose fault is that? I would have NEVER spied on him before I figured out how prone to lying he is.
But honestly, I think he has some sort of larger problem that he needs help with. I always want to help him, I want to help him so bad... and whenever I try he rejects me and gets angry...
I feel... lost.
HOW did I, a very sensible woman (or was), become one of "those" women?
If we break up... I'm swearing off "monogamous" relationships with men (because they obviously are NOT) and I'm just going to either sleep around or become asexual...
Thoughts?
Seriously, I've tried everything. I know that if I could step outside myself, well, I'd be a single woman right now... but he always manages to manipulate what I want or what he lied about into what I did wrong... and I fall for it every time...
Guess it probably says more about me than him, huh?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Oh my god. This is the best thing I could have ever possibly stumbled upon. I have been with my boyfriend for three years-- and I just feel so used. I have put up with so much of this crap... As a matter of fact, I'm drowning myself in a bottle of cabernet right now because of it... Obviously, not the best way to "handle" things. I just can't do this anymore!! WHY are they such bastards!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): I actually have had the problem my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years 3 the 23 of this month.. And I have caught him.. Well not caught.. But seen websites as I was trying to find out wjy the computer had a virus. Come to find out he had videos..pictures.. And so on of naked woman doing things... not only did this hurt me... but he told me he's not into that type of stuff.. So I believed him.. He has told me he thinks that stuff is ignorant.. But come to find out... I guesss I was the ignorant one believin and feedin in 2 his lies.. And what hurt me even more.. Later on that day as I was cleanin the computer room.. I seen a sock in the garbage pale under all the trash all sticky.. I took it out and their was cum all over it.. Right then and there.. I dropped n cried.. I couldn't believe he had done so.. Our sex life was great.. And it was to that now? I confronted him n he said I don't do that.. Wen I showed him the sock... he got really defensive... and I couldn't believe.. Untill he finally admitted the truth... or so I think.. He was "mad" at me one day.. N did so... till this day I think he still looks @ it becuz he'd deletes his page history.. And says the computer does it automatically.. Which I know for a fact it doesn't.. Since then I felt low about myself.. Like if I wasn't good enough.. So iono.. I guess guys will doo nothing but hurt us.. Till one day we do it back 10 times worse..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I just want to say I am so grateful that there are other people who are speaking up about this issue. I allowed my boyfriend to convince me that I was alone in not accepting his porn addiction with the standard justification, "all guys watch porn, they're visual creatures, and their girlfriends accept it." My intuition always told me, flat out, that this statement was WRONG. The problem is that porn isn't just destructive to the male - if the woman has a low self esteem, then the low self esteem will believe the boyfriend's lies. In fact, the low self esteem will feed off of his porn addiction. And the lower the self esteem gets for the girlfriend, the more justified the boyfriend feels in watching porn, and the cycle continues. The result is a sickly fast-paced downward spiral, which is why so many posts on this site point out that even if you think watching some porn is fine, it eventually will destroy relationships. But realizing that if you have low self esteem, you may actually be feeding your boyfriend's porn addiction, is actually very empowering to women. You CANNOT LISTEN to his justifications any more! They are lies. Many people on this site have addressed their boyfriend's constant lying. A man who wouldn't normally lie will lie about porn because it is his addiction talking, not him. That is why you shouldn't allow yourself to get hurt - you need to take action. Women should not settle for their boyfriend watching porn. I realized last night that this way of looking at things is a revelation that can help you cope with your boyfriend: don't feel insecure if he's watching porn, because it isn't your boyfriend talking, it's his addiction. It's just like "the bottle" talking for the alcoholic. Realizing that the man whom I loved so much was NOT the same as the voice admitting to me that he wanted to watch women being molested is what allowed me to keep my sanity. These are some of the signals that show when it is his addiction, not the man you love, who is currently in control: 1) One of the key signals is that when you try to have a happy relationship with him, his eyes fall to half mast with utter boredom at the thought of being in a loving relationship, you either need to hold yourself back from him and try to bring out his real side, the side that loves you and currently being stifled by his addiction, or if that doesn't work, you absolutely must leave him. He is proving that he would rather listen to the addictive voice in his head than his true feelings. 2)He may even get angry and overly critical whenever anything expressing happiness or joy enters his reality, such as a positive song or movie. My boyfriend, for example, cannot STAND it when I put on the Beatles. He says it's stupid and lame, and uses one of his addictive voice's main arguments, the 50s paradigm of ignorance, as his main justification for sneering at anything that makes me feel happy. He'll make up reasons why that happiness is not "real," when the reality is that the voice talking is not "real." Being happy isn't an impossibility, unless you've committed yourself to a controlling negative addiction. 3)If he is at least at the stage where he doesn't lie about watching porn, he will justify it with the lowest common denominator, i.e., every man does it. Sorry, but other men hurting themselves along with you isn't a reason to destroy your life by shutting down the woman the "real" you loves and becoming incapable of emotion. 4) One that has been pointed out by others on this site: your boyfriend only wants sex when you don't. Do you know why this happens? It's because as soon as you stop believing the addictive voice that speaks for your boyfriend, telling you he MUST watch porn, his real side comes out, the side that loves you and wants you. But the addictive side is ego-based, and the ego cannot stay happy for long. So you find that as soon as you listen to your boyfriend, who is actually without knowing it at all working for his addictive side, is using his charm to coax you into sex, and then the addictive side takes over again and doesn't want you as soon as the sex is over. That is why, I implore you, to either refrain from giving your boyfriend a bunch of loving emotion that he doesn't currently deserve until his real voice can get strong enough again to heal, or if he doesn't appreciate you enough for that voice to ever come back, and he continues to listen to his addiction, he's a lost cause and must be left to his own misery.
...............................
A
female
reader, drlouislynx  +, writes (8 February 2008):
I have the same problem. To all the men out there who say, "its just what guys do", to make you aware of the problem, it devastates the women you supposedly love. I just found porn on my boyfriend's computer. I'm confronting him about tonight. I wasn't snooping, but in fact was looking for photos I had been working on and had saved to a random file folder in a hurry. When I went looking for my photos, a video clip came up that was 2 hours long...I have, or thought I had a loving relationship with him. Sexually our relationship was great. Although, I have noticed my sex drive has been higher than his lately. He turned me down for video games the other night, and apparently has been jerking off to these other girls. If he wants to get his rocks off, I'm his girlfriend, I'm here, although I'm starting to wonder for how long. Obviously I feel inadequate and sick inside. Although I know its not "my problem", at the same time, he's thought about other women when jerking off...what does that make me? Maybe I should just go out and flirt it up with a million guys, better yet, in front of him...see how he feels. But, I am a bigger person than that. I don't know how to bring it up to him, I really didn't think he was one to objectify women. I was wrong. Now I'm left feeling like chop suey. The thing is, why is it we women feel we have to settle? I don't ever think about having sex with someone other than my boyfriend. He is (was?) the man of my dreams. Why is it we feel we can't demand monogamy both physical and mental from our men? I like the chick that said we're the weaker sex. We don't resort to images on a computer to get off...who's weaker?To answer you question sweetie, I would confront him. You're a goddess, and if he doesn't realize what he has, you have to, and make the decision to value yourself even if he doesn't. There are good men out there. We just have to be vigilant in our search.Hoping for a happy ending...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): Porn causes the person that looks at it to get a distorted attitude towards sex. They become use to masturbating to a detatched image. There is a growing huge problem with men who look at porn, these men have low sex drives with the woman that love them. They no longer desire sex with a person that they are attatched to, because they have become accustomed to sex with images, they will not have a reason why they don't want sex often. Many times these men will be more aroused by a partner that doesn't or pretends not to want sex. Check to see if they are into rape porn or bondage. Every woman I talk to that has a complaint that their boyfriend does not want sex, the men are porn addicts. I researched this online by googling "my boyfriend only wants sex if I don't" I found in every article they mentioned he looked at porn, but none of these women seen the conection. They didn't understand why he could look at porn and masturbate all the time but not want sex. Well duh no brainer there.
Plain and simple there are many disorders and problems that arise from porn. If your a christian you know the bible says if you look at a woman with lust you have commited adultry. If your not religious, I can tell you that every single thing the bible warns about there is a logical reason why. As studies come out in droves it is plain to see that Porn is destructive. People need to understand that sex is 99% mental. If you are looking at porn then you begin over time to adapt to what you are looking at. Many child molesters, started out by watching regular porn, that becomes not enough, so then they go to bondage, then on to the many adds for lolita or kiddie porn, its a vicious circle....eventually the porn is not enough and they act it out on a real child..but it all started innocently enough with the porn. Child molestors even use porn during their abuse, showing it to the children, filming the horrible acts they perform on children. Porn is destructive, it's not evil just because, there is a reason it is evil. It takes people down roads they never thought they would go. I have been studying this subject for nearly 24 years now. Not all porn addicts go to child molesting some go down other delightful roads such as snuff films (real sex murders on film) eventually the films are not enough and the serial killer is born. The history of these serial killers the ones willing to talk about their life is testament to how they got started. It all comes back to porn. So if your some naive woman who thinks that porn is innocent and all guys do it therefore it's OK, well then I am here to make you no longer ingnorant, Porn is destructive and unhealthy at the very least it will make a normal sex life with someone they love impossible. Tell your man you won't tolerate this destructive behaviour. Educate yourself on the destructiveness of porn. Research and show him the statistics. Humans were designed to have a sex drive, they were designed to have sex with emotion and love. Porn and masturbation to porn distorts this process. Animal were created to have sex with the strongest male for the survival of the species. Women are designed to have sex with men they love, because humans are social creatures and to survive a lifetime relationship you have to get along, therefore you fall in love, hence you have sex with the one you love, hence survival of humanity. If you make a family with someone you don't love (because they are abusive) you have the breakdown of humanity. Children are born in disfunctional families, bad learned behaviour is repeated, and the vicious cycle continous until someone insightful is born and breaks the cycle. Women need to set higher standards in who they choose to breed with, humanity rest on the shoulders of women. It is our responsibility to have set standards in choosing a mate, if he lies to someone else he will lie to you, why do you still go out with him? If he is addicted to porn you will be disatisfied sexually with him, why do you allow it? WAKE UP WOMEN the world is a mess and we have no one to blame but ourselves for the stupid choses we make in mates.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): To me, its not so mcuh the porn thats the problem, but the lying thats involved. I can beg and beg for him to just tell me the truth, but he will always deny it unless I prove him wrong with evidence of the porn. We watch it together, so why does he have to lie about it on his own? How can you trust in a relationship wheres theres no honesty? Why does he feel that he has to lie?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): i have excactly the same problem.. and its horrible, i was on my boyfriends computer and as i typed into another website i saw all these addresses for porn websites... loads of them! and it turned out he was looking at it all the time. i confronted him about it but he didnt really seem like he was gona talk about it, and he just said 'no i dont' but i know he does. it does make me feel like i cant satisfy him and used and its like a horrible feeeling.i know most guys do look at porn, but the ammount he looked at it just really wasnt necessary.he wouldnt like it if i looked at loads of guy porn, i know he wouldnt, so why is it alright for him to look at it? i dont know what to do, i say to him that it upsets me and i dont like it but he just says he doesnt do it anymore, which i know is a lie.i think one of the other reasons that it really gets to me, is that hes so secreteive about it, and he doesnt tell me and he isnt very open aboout it :( .. haha i even suggested watching porn with him but hes just so emmbarised to talk about it. would there be any way that i could get him back? or just turn him off it and more onto me (probably impossible but i wud b willing to try) please reply :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): I love how all men use the excuse "It was a pop up!" Looking at those bimbos online all the time must make them believe that we're just as dumb and will believe that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): This is it ladies...let me tell you....the consequences of porn.I was in a relationship for 7 years only to find that he was using porn throughout the relationship....i left him...after 7 years...he was my first love.i vowed never to be in this situation again....but here i am...again in this situation. PORN is a form of betrayel. My partner is an addict and is trying to give up...he is not giving up because he sees anything wrong with it...but only because i caught him and threatened to leave.This is the problem with porn.Your man masturbates to pornography, naked girls doing disgusting things....there is no emotional attachment to the images..so it is now only an object.he touches himself looking at an object....Here is where the problem begins...When you are out with your man...see if he perves at women..or has the look of lust..see men who masturbate to an object or an image...will associate that....to women in the street.If a woman walks past and he finds her attractive...he will probably be adding her to all the rest of the images/object in his head...then will probably masturbate to herMEANING.....he is mentally cheating on you..that is how i see it.Everyone saids...oh all guys do it...oh its a man thing..that is crap.If he cannot stop watching porn...he is addicted.if he wasnt addicted, it would be easy to stop.....like anything...but if he cant..well there you go...that is how i see it.this is entirely my opinion...porn ruins relationships...breaks trust...causes all sorts of insecurities in the woman...because..she is the one there for him...and he doesnt value his partners feelings.you decide...take care
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): If you have a problem with it he should understand and honor you by not watching it. Most guys think that they are the only ones with girlfriends or wives that are disgusted by porn and disagree with their man watching or looking at it. Porn is more than just the completely naked women in movies and on the internet. Sexual hints using the body can also be concidered porn depending on the situation. The girl OR guys do NOT have to be naked. If you have enough respect for your lover then you will pry yourself away from the things she doesn't like, just as she would turn away from things you didn't agree with. If she has a problem with it, perhaps it is something deeper in her or the relationship that holds her back from knowing that you don't just do it to look at the other girls. Maybe there is a past insecurity where she has been hurt. You need to understand this and help her with it. Not beat her up about it and lie to cover your own ass. If you look or see something, let her know so that she learns that she can trust you without you holding back just because you think she will get mad. Yes, she probably will, but in the end, you told her the truth, and she'll realize that and start trusting you and maybe accept that you don't always seek things out, sometimes it's just un-avoidable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): I want to encourage all of the women who have posted on this site to follow your feelings of righteousness. You deserve to be with a man who values and respects you and your body. Do not settle for a man who is addicted to porn. Ask him to stop. If he does not stop, leave him. There are many good men in the worl who will value your relationship enough to stay away from getting off on other women having sex. You must value yourself enough to stand up for what you know is right. A man who is addicted to porn wants to have it all. That's dangerous to your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Like many of the other women have written, I innocently found porn on my boyfriend's computer (I wasn't looking for it) We've been together for about 16 months, and I'm generally very happy with him. for some reason I figured he wouldn't be the type to watch it (how stupid was I?) Anyways...initially I felt sick and of course inadequate. This is especially because he frequently turns down sex. So to me this makes no sense. My first thought was that I must be really unattractive, but then I really considered this and figured this couldn't be really the right answer; I'm in shape and young and frequently have guys hit on me. So is the answer he's bored of me? Or maybe I'm not that attractive to HIM. I always figured I wouldn't be the type to really care about this type of thing b/c I know "how guys are" but it's been driving me crazy, and it makes me feel sick every time i think about it. I don't have a problem with the porn itself, it's just why is he turning me down one night and then watching porn the next night when I'm not there? We had a discussion before about his lack of sex drive and he assured me it was nothing to do with me, he was just stressed out and tired (which is understandable b/c of his work) but things just don't add up, and I don't really want to bring it up to him. What should I do??
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): This is a big question. Feminine beauty is alluring and we do want more and more and to objectify women more and more, but if it is only fantasy, is it so bad. I guess it is if it becomes an addiction which takes time and energy from a diverse and healthy life.
Talk to your partner. Don't be afraid to deal with it together. I'm glad there are other people dealing with this issue and it's not just me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I do not think that women should accept the "at least he is not at a strip club" reasoning to put up with utter garbage. Why do women need to compare their boyfriends to total assholes in order to feel better about the boyfriends? I have an idea: if he is going to strip clubs, get rid of him (because he is cheating on you...and he is paying to cheat on you.....why would it be excusable because he pays for it?) and if he won't stop buying porn, get rid of him (because he is also cheating on you, with photographs of other women). You don't have to accept dirt - there are better guys out there. The old, "boys will be boys" and "men are visual creatures" is all bullshit too that is meant to excuse bad behaviour in men. Guys do not NEED to look at porn, they look at porn because they are selfish. I think that if a guy is in a committed relationship, he should be spending his time, money and sexual energy on the woman he is with, not on some utter whore that has no shame.
Someone said we women should be happy because our boyfriends are not with real women, or looking at real women. What do you think they are? Cartoons? They are photographs, touched up to perfection, of REAL women. Why should he have photos of other naked women? I thought that he was in a relationship with me. What makes men think that women should settle for garbage treatment like that? Sure, it is normal for men to view pornography if normal for them is totally selfishness with little regard for any else's feelings.
I also think that pornography is the pursuit of the immature. Grow up already. Have a real relationship. Sitting and jerking off in front of your computer is not having a real relationship. It is pure, unadulterated retardedness.
Yes, men and women are different, but if you are with someone, you need |
