A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (not sure what to call him right now) have been dating for over a year now. We have had our ups and downs but have a lot of love for each other.I just broke up with him last week because I found out that 8 months ago he had a crush on a girl that he works with who he sits across from, but that he put aside his feelings to be present in our relationship. I found out because I asked why he searched her on facebook even though they aren't friends on Facebook and I asked him if he had a crush on her. He explained that he searched her to get her email for something but got weird about it. He eventually told me that he felt awkward when I asked because he did used to have a crush on her. I assumed he meant that he had the crush before he met me but still felt like something was off. I looked her up on linkedin and it showed that she started to work at his company 8 months ago. I was furious that he lied, but also thankful for his honesty. He admitted to having feelings of lust for her but that he worked those feelings out when he realized that he wanted our relationship to work and that he didn't want that to go anywhere. I told him that we needed a month broken up so I could work on my trust sues and he could work on himself and figure things out and that we could meet in a month and hopefully figure things out between us. 2 days after he changed his profile picture to his old picture that was no longer of him and I, and he also changed his settings so I could no longer see who he was friends with. I searched her up and sure enough he added her to Facebook. I felt sick to my stomach and called him angry. He texted me all weekend telling me he was sorry and admitted to private messing her after we broke up to see if there was anything there but that he ended up feeling like he only has a bond with me. He admits to being attracted to her but says it ends there and has no feelings for her. I know this story is long and confusing but I am wondering if anyone thinks that there still may be hope there. I think it's best if we still take time apart for a while. I would love an honest and mature opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm thankful to everyone who has taken the time to read my questions and answer me back. I appreciate it! Im finding it hard to believe him that it was just an attraction when he has told be a days days ago that they have a lot in common and they have easy conversations. They don't talk alot but when they do this is the case. Him telling me that he would pursue her I'd if we were to break up makes me think that he does have a feelings and that there may be more then something physical. I'm also thinking about how he'd think about her and have feeling feeling towards her whenever things got shacky. I think I'm at the point that if he doesn't see his habbits as unhealthy for a relationship then it will just have to end. I have the feeling some people think that I'm a prude but that is really not the case. I have many attractions but no interests. There is a difference. I respect myself and know the answer now. Thanks everyone! :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2015):
 Eight, nothing is all black or all white, but some times you have to make it so- either black or white - on purpose. Otherwise you get stuck in gray , unfulfilling even painful situations, always waiting that things get reeeeaaally so bad that you are forced to leave ,but they don't , they stay bleah ,- or always hoping that who knows, maybe tomorrow things will change for the better , and tomorrow never comes.
I think often the best ,or only solution, is to face things how they are and ask yourself : this is what it is. Eight here right now. Can I live with it ? Can I willingly decide to accept it ? Or is it just not possible ?
The problem, as always, is that you can't change people, and you can't even expect that they change also if it's clear they should. Maybe they'll change maybe not- and if they change , it will be because THEY have felt inside the need for change , not because you have asked them or begged them or strongarmed them to change.
From this point of view, your bf ( or ex ? forgive my density but I am not that clear about how things are at present ) is right. You have trust issues that make the relationship difficult and not so enjoyable at times, - and he has a roving eye and a low resilience that immediately finds another object of interest when it gets rocky. The most sensible thing would be for you to find someone who does not trigger ( or not so much ) trust issues causing on turn rocky patches, and for him someone more compatible with whom there are no ( or less ) rocky patches , so early in the relationship, to activate his roving eye and curiosity toward other women.
It is what it is, - maybe for getting along you should be two different persons, but you are not. So you'll have to decide if the things that bother you are just pebbles in a shoe ( annoying, but you still can go on ) or if they are dealbreakers.
I go back ro what I posted yesterday, and , forget me for becoming denser by the minute, but I have not quite got the nature of his "curiosity " for this lady . If it is a purely sensual, lustful curiosity which he already admitted( he likes her as a FEMALE , but he won't act on his attraction, not only !, he won't fall in love with her nor develop any sort of deep feelings ) well, I don't know, I suppose that many women could swallow it : Not because they are doormats, but because they accept that , as life is not perfect, love is not perfect either. So, 95% your lover gives you joy and fulfillment etc. etc., 5 % he will be fantasizing about the sexy colleague's ass.
Many other women , instead, won't have it, they'll feel that a love that's not total and all -encompassing and leaving even a tiny little opening for another female interest, invalidates the whole relationship and makes it meaningless.
I don't know what is the right choice, maybe there is no right choice- there's only the choice you can live with and stick to. Black or white :)
If this " curiosity " means that he is falling in love with another woman, and developing strong feelings for her.... but he said that this is not the case . I don't know, maybe you should give him the benefot of doubt - it SHOWS when your partner loves another person, it's hard to hide. What are your guts telling you ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): its your hands really. you can take him back or not as you feel. You are both capable of breaking up or making up.Its your choice.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 September 2015):
 He mentions a lot about his feelings towards/curiosity towards this woman but just how interested is this woman in him? If at all.Maybe it's me being a bit naive however it Could be she nothing more than an unsuspecting fantasy. Regardless, when the going gets tuff he has admitted that his first course of action is to focus on other woman. I think this guy is in affair training and at some point will let fantasy or temptation get the better of him. His flight or fight 360 about wanting to work on things suggests He's frightened of leaving the comfort of your relationship just in case hindsight hits hard once he's gone. This is not fair,really just not fair- Too easily led by his uncertainty. That i'm afraid is unsettling and nowhere solid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question** He tends to look/fantasize
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted something similar under another user cause I couldn't access this account but I'm not sure if it went through but anyways..I'd like to add that at the beginning of the relationship I told my ex to be open and honest with me because i have trust issues and that I shouldn't have to dig to find truth or else it would make my trust issues worse. Since the breakup he acknowledges that he should have been more open. Also: During parts of the relationship I been brought up that I felt disconnected at times. He felt the same way at times but did not fess up because he didn't want to take the chance of losing the relationship by stirring things up. He realizes that he should have been honest and let the relationship take it's natural course. There was a period of time that I asked for breaks (around the time his interest started, maybe he felt rejected) and every time he would bombard me with texts and calls which is part of the reason I asked for a break up. We spoke last night some things:-He told me that since we are taking a break that he still does have a feeling of curiosity for his co-worker. He deactivated his Facebook account so that he would not be tempted to message her and so he could focus on what might be between us. I asked him that if we ended things between us for good that night, if he'd try to pursue her and he said that it was a possibility. It hurts to feel like there is a close second behind me.-He has admitted that when things got rocky in our relationship ( especially around the time I asked for breaks) he would think about his co-worker. He told me that he tends to to/fantasize elsewhere when things get rocky in a relationship or if he feels rejected in the relationship. He met his co-worker in 7 months ago which is half of our relation, which is frightening and the fact that that attention is focused on one person in particular is scary. told me it is an uncontrollable reaction and that he stops himself from dwelling on the thoughts. A few days ago we spoke and I asked him to sit somewhere else if we were to get back together to ease my mind for the time being. He said that he wouldn't change seats as to not feed into my trust issues and that if he changed seats he would just find an attraction to someone else if/when things get rocky. I told him that he needs to get help for that and that, yes we can and should be attracted to other people but him going there in his mind as a defines mechanism isn't healthy and not what I accept in a partner. He said that if this were to happen in his future relationships that he would let his partner know and figure out how to fix what's causing the relationship to be shaky to get rid of those feelings. He texted me tonight asking me to gather all of his belongs and his keys and to let me know when we could meet up. I called him and asked if he was ending things for good and he said yes and that my trust issues and his tendencies to look elsewhere when things are rocky is a bad mix. A few hours later he texted me saying his heart was so broken after we spoke and that he wanted to work things out but that he didn't think that he needs therapy for his "tendencies" would work.There is a part of my that feels like I'm being played like a fool and the other part of me think that he might just be really dense and is just a 31 year old who needs a lot of growing but can get there. Please give helpful advice and nothing that is to black or white.
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female
reader, watermelonlemons +, writes (17 September 2015):
Hello, I am the original person who posted this question. For some reason I can't get back into my account. Since I last posted a lot has happened:Fist, I'd like to say that I told my ex right off the bat that I had trust issues and because of that I needed him to be honest with me about a lot of things. He now realizes that he should have been more open with me about work stuff and about a feeling of disconnect that I felt and that he felt, yet he never openly shared with me.- My ex and I talk and he was totally open with me. He admitted to still having a curiosity about his co-worker but that if we were to let him know that we would try and work things out that he would get rid of those feelings of curiosity. I asked him if we were to end it now once and for all if he would try to pursue her and he said maybe. That makes me feel like I have a close second lined up.-He admitted that when ever our relationship was rocky or if he felt rejected that he would go back to thinking about her and would stop himself from dwelling of those thoughts. He told me he did as best as he could and felt he did nothing wrong. I told him that the was emotionally cheating and he recognized that. He met her 7 months ago and we've been dating for over a year. I hurts knowing he has fixated his attention to her whenever things were shaky. He doesn't have a strong personal friendship with her, its just where his mind goes.-He told me that when things get rocky or when he feels rejected in relationships that he tends to think about/fantasize about other women. This concerns me and I told him he needs to get help for that. I am not saying he can't look at other women or that I'm a prude but letting your mind wander when things are rocky is frightening to me. He said he doesn't swell on it or let it go far. I suggested he get's therapy for this because that would not work for me in a relationship.-I asked him if he could change where he sits and he said that he would not and that if he changed seats he would just find someone else that he would find attractive and think about when/if times get tough.Tonight he called me to say that my trust issues and his tendencies when things get rocky is not a good mix. He told me that we should end it for good. I felt like that was the most manly things that he has ever done. A few hours later he texted me saying that he felt heartbroken and that he wanted to work things out but take time apart to heal some wounds. He wrote that he does not see the value in seeing a therapist for his tendencies about thinking about others when things are shacky.My heart loves his but I feel like all of this is getting messy and I'm not sure if he's mature enough to move forward.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 September 2015):
" He admits being attracted to another woman but he says he has no feelings for her. Do I believe hm ? "
My take is that you could believe him, because the situation is believable- only, I am not sure that believing will make things more manageable for you.
Your ex ( ? ) spat it out, he admitted he has feeling of LUST for this woman. Now, to me, feelings of lust is quite different than " having a crush ". Lust is very primal, very simple , very instinctive. You see something that appeals to your senses and it triggers certain sensations sort of automatically. " Woa,look at those jugs ! Yummy. "
It's a bit like when you pass a bakery shop window with a scrumptious cake in it - you salivate.
Now , not only you are not going to buy that cake, because of practical reasons ( it 's fattening and it is too expensive and it's bad for your teeth etc.et ),; you also don't really WANT cake, because you've got a cupboard full of cakes at home ,and because you aren't hungry at all anyway,- and yet , you see this luscious cake and you go : Slurp slurp !
You seem concerned that he may be not telling the truth and that in fact he might have romantic, loving feelings for her . Obviously I cannot read his mind so I don't know if he is telling you the truth or not. All I am saying is that his affirmations are plausible, because lust is not the same as feelings. One could be intrigued by the idea of f..king a certain woman, but not of dating her. And a woman can give a man a hard on, without for that eliciting in him any feelings of tenderness, protectiveness, devotion etc.
So he can have told you the truth. The problem is, what do you do with this truth . Can you live with it ? Or is it going to loom too large on your love horizon ?
It seems to me that this discovery of his physical attraction to another woman has been a devastating blow,- to your feelings ,or to your ego, or to a bit of both.
I am not mocking you and not tryng to tell you what you should feel, just inviting to some reflection about the following :
I think that most women, or many women at least, rationally KNOW that there are other women as sexually attractive as themselves and more, and that if one of those happens to cross their man's path, said man is very likely to notice and to have certain maybe fleeting , but unmistakeable naughty thoughts .
Accepting this emotionally is much harder, or impossible, for some women. We all have an ego, we all have our fragilities and insecurities, we all would like to be the one and only forever and ever princess of the fairytale.
Having to see, or to hear in clear letters as in your case that yes, I love you babe, you are a great gal and all, BUT you are not the only woman on the planet who can inspire me lust , for them it's too much of a downer , it ruins the fairytale, it spoils the dream, makes it tawdry an banal and worthless.
Now, personally I belong to that current of women who can survive with the knowledge that they aren't their partner 's one and only object of desire. I mean, of course men slobber over Angelina Jolie - I slobber too, and I am not even a lesbian, lol ! Even so, I admit that I would not like to be clobbered on my head with that knowledge , reason why I think that your " sincere " bf was, pardon me, a true idiot. You 've got your little physical crushes, your little sexual daydreams- fine, keep it discrete . Don't be too obvious. Don't push your sexual likes down my throat.
Imagine if I belonged to the hard line, zero tolerance party. Those who feel " If you love me, you won't even NOTICE other tits, other asses, forget about lusting over them ". I would be very uncomfortable staying in the relationship. Because if you rob me of my role as your one and only princess, spirit mind AND body- then you can't be my real prince Charming .
So, what category do you belong too ?
Supposing that he is telling the truth ( and again, IMO he could be ) and that he has no feelings whatsoever for this girl, he ONLY would love to f..k her- how would you cope with the " only " ? Can you handle it ?
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reader, Ivyblue +, writes (16 September 2015):
He has no feelings for her... isn't that what a crush is? We can't control who it is that we may crush on unfortunately, but we can control our choices. He chose to add the very woman at the centre of what has caused you to doubt where his head is at in the relationship. Block you ,add her? It seems in his attempt to hide you seeing his fb activity forgot that you can,and did, find out via hers.It seems he only apologises when he's been found out. I can't help but feel this woman will continue to be a threat because of the working relationship. Perhaps nothing physical will come of it but I reckon an emotional affair is dangerously on the cards. Im sorry but I think it is easier to let go than live with a suspicious mind. He has acted-you have reacted so your trust issues are well justified.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): sweetheart you were having your doubts and your intuition proved to be correct.He has been lying to you about the girl because he has seen her at work and fancied her.He just wasnt sure which way to go.Meanwhile your canny intuition was screaming at you not to ignore yoyr doubts.And theres the crunch line .You dont have to ignore your doubts or assume that you have trust issues.You dont.You just neede to get to the truth slowly as a sudden shock to your systemwould be too traumatic.Now you know he is not the one for you.
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 September 2015):
 If there's a breakup, where is there an incentive to "work on his shit"? That would be like working at a job, getting fired from the job, and post-firing, the boss expecting the ex-employee to take a certification for the job the employee used to work. No, what happens is - employee gets fired, employee starts looking for another job.
I'm with you in that I couldn't go running off to another guy right after a breakup. I would mourn the relationship most likely, go find some friends of mine, and hit the town. You probably felt that if your guy could start pursuing this girl right after the breakup, that he didn't ever care about you.
Not true. Guys are different than we are. They can unhook emotionally, and many of them have egos they look to salve by sucking in a rebound woman's attentions and affections. That's why there's a lot of times an uptick of meaningless one-night-stands post breakup. Then people get back together and there's a lot of regret over the self-soothing methods taken.
I keep hammering at you because you're the OP and you're the one I care about. You can't change HIM. You can only change and upgrade yourself. I say to you that you should end this with this guy now and move on. But you can't take your old habits into the new relationship because you have things to work on as well, or you will sabotage all of your relationships if you don't learn and grow. You can't be concerned with a guy "working on his shit". You can only work on YOU and become the person you're seeking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI expected him to work on his shit since I was very clear that it wouldn't work without us taking time to ourselves and working on ourselves. He admits having a lot of confusion and needing a mentor or someone to talk to since he has no deep relationships with others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI no I messed up and I should have reflected before taking someone else's advice. I made it very clear that we should be open and honest with each other and only now is he revealing feelings and thoughts that should have been brought up long ago. My intension was never to get revenge. I genuinely felt like a man who loves wether my itentions were to hurt him or not, shouldn't be running around like a lost puppy looking for love the day after a break up. He has a reputation for doing that. I don't think he has spent a solid 2 weeks to himself without a female deist ration since he was 20. He has some major co-dependency issues. Letting things cool off after a break up sounds more like a mature move.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2015):
Here's the thing - you broke up with him! He didn't pursue the girl until you dropped him. That's precisely why taking so-called "breaks" never work. You say that my idea of "true love" is sad? So is breaking up!! If love is true, there's never breaking up unless the love is irreversably gone.
When you confronted him, he was honest, which is good! He said all he could to put you at ease, and you still dropped him. How is THAT love?? Did you expect him to get dumped and sit in his room for a month crying, sobbing, pining for you in a fit of romantic agony, only to dissolve into a quivering romantic and apologetic mess once the month was over? Doesn't work that way!
Breakups are BREAKUPS. They're like pulling out a nuclear missle and obliterating a city. It's a no-takeback kind of thing. Even if people who break up get back together, the damage has been done!
You don't break up unless you intend it to be permanent. If you break up, anything that happens is okay post-breakup! The relationship has died. Even when someone gets back together, it's not the same relationship as it was before.
Your guy wasn't selfish. If you think you're sad about my idea of love and call it "selfish", then what is breaking up with someone, abandoning them, and expecting them to live in an uncertain purgatory if not SELFISH?
This wasn't about love. Your ego got bruised. You got hurt. You wanted to hurt the guy for a month. It backfired. What you should have done is worked on it without breaking up if you wanted to ultimately continue. THAT would have been love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou Wish- I see what you are saying but the way you think makes me sad. Your idea of a great love sounds more like a sad love. Yes we have attractions but we shouldn't jump into a crushes arms when given the chance to do so. If anything it sounds like a sad love story. Love is not selfish. Yo me is about protecting your heart beyond involuntary feelings. I think that i have the clarity that I kneed now. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): We all have crushes , that's true, but they guy is actively trying to pursue this girl. Image a problem with this.
One thing to just admire someone , another to act on it.
I was married for 15 years, and suddenly met this guy in my Gym. We became gym friends, sometimes going for coffee after. Before I knew I was mesmerized by him. I think he had feelings for me, but we NEVER acted on it. There w never any sexual conversations, no touching and no private emails. Then he got married, and it was the end of story. I still think of him, and probably always will. But it stayed there.
Your story is different, and if I were youi wouldn't t trust him too much
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reader, Garbo +, writes (15 September 2015):
 Everyone gets crushes, and happens to even those who are madly in love in a relationship. Perhaps men get those crushes much easier because the beaty of a woman sweeps them up like a storm.
But crushes do not imply that he will dump you over some unknown woman just over her looks. Sure looks are the initial bait, but reason eventually takes over because it takes lot of effort on his part to enjoy that beauty, plus the costs of loosing you.
So yes, I see how he could be honest in this, admitting crush and lust, but that does not mean he physically cheated. Perhaps his infidelity was in his mind and in a fantasy, but he hasn't acted on those and you can't call him a cheater for lack of action.
I also think that there maybe other issues plaguing your relationship of which this crush is just a symptom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to add that he was searching for a restaurant on Facebook in front of me and I saw who he looked up and thought that I'd ask. I didn't want to add to much detail to the story so that it wouldn't get confusing.
I also got the advice from a wise married lady to stop the relationship because we both have a lot to figure out. I do admit to having trust issues and I am starting to see someone about it this week.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2015):
I think you just wrecked your own relationship.
What are you doing by searching his internet history? He didn't do anything wrong in looking her up. He was pretty honest in admitting a crush. Those can happen even inside a marriage! People get attracted to other people. He had chosen not to pursue it until you blew up your relationship.
And - when you break up with someone, you BREAK UP! He could have gone over to her house and had sex with her 1,000 times and you wouldn't have had the right to say anything about it. There is no "one month". If you break up, it's done.
Don't ever make a "break" unless you intend never to go back. You don't do it to try to make someone love you more, because it will backfire on you.
Don't snoop on your boyfriend either! Internet searches are like thoughts. Just because he thought about her didn't mean anything happened, no more than you eying a good-looking bartender or wondered how an ex is. Now the girl's on his Facebook.
Your trust issues just made it much harder for you. I'd recommend leaving him and learning your lesson, because now he'll react to your surveillance and trust issues in bad ways.
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