A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:To quote "arrested development" ..."I've made a huge mistake" Sooo I'm going to give you the cliff notes version of the last couple months. Boy meets girl. They start sleeping with each other. Boy likes girl way more than he should and falls head over heels in love with her. Fast forward, girl tells boy she's getting out of a 7 year relationship and has clinical depression, girl feels guilty about them sleeping together (probably because she's still in love with her Ex who doesnt want her back) and pretty much slows the whole thing down to 0 MPH.Throughout this turbulent time in the girls life she starts drinking and doing drugs more. Weed, Cocaine, who knows what else. This also coincides with her pumping the breaks on their "relationship" or whatever you'd call it. Where she used to spend every weekend hanging out, talking about her problems, and having sex with the boy ...she now spends every weekend getting high with a local dude who works at the bar they both frequent. When she was still living with her ex they started doing drugs in the parking lot from 2AM til the sun rises. Now that she's moved out they longer have to sit in the parking lot and get high at her new place every weeked. Now the boy barely sees/hears from her, yet his feelings remain. I recently confronted her about it and she tried to tell me that these weekend drug get-togethers weren't "planned" then I quickly let her know that I know she's been doing them every weekend for months, and thats its only them two. she reponds by saying that "She didn't think to invite me" because "I don't do drugs and she feared that I would judge her" Last time I confronted her about it I didn't talk to her for 3 days she said she felt bad, and said she was tried of getting high every weekend and running from her problems. Then she went right back to doing the same old thing. Most of my female friends seem to believe that she's fucking the dude providing the drugs, but she texted me, "lol not what's going on. It's not like I plan to do it every weekend. I like drugs lol you're welcome to come next time. Just felt like you might judge me for doing drugs."So, thats where I am right now. I care about her a lot and aside from her doing drugs on the weekend, she's one of the sweetest, kindest, and most beautiful people I've ever known. I've been with other women trying to forget her, but I can't. and every weekend I find myself driving past her apartment, seeing the drug guys motorcycle and feeling like crap. Most of my female friends say I should just drop her and forget about her, and I'm trying with all my will, but I just cant stop thinking about her. Pah-Leeze, gimme your incite and let me know what you guys think.
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (4 September 2017):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question And thanks for the advice honeypie, everything you've said about the escalating drug abuse is very spot on. It's a very difficult thing to watch transpire in front of your eyes. I live in a very fast city, home to the entertainment business and as you know drugs and bad decisions are pretty common. Too common. I've taken the necessary steps to free myself from this girl and in the future will be more vigilant about the warning signs of addiction and emotional stability.
A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (4 September 2017):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't worry, wiseowl, I wasn't nasty or mean to her. I in fact have great sympathy for her. I just politely and succinctly laid out that her lifestyle wasn't a good fit for me and that it doesn't mean I don't have love for her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 September 2017):
 People who "love" drugs more than anything else in their lives make bad choices. As for her trading drugs for sex? Pretty common. That is how a lot of women (especially) end up in prostitution. Out of desperation. While she might have done the drugs on a "weekend" basis for most people that changes to 3 days a week - 4 days, then 5 and then every day. My guess is she can't support that habit on her own. And once it gets to daily use, REGULAR work will be out o the question so what other income can she have? Even if she gets some kind of disability it will NOT pay for a daily drug use.
Doesn't mean she IS prostituting herself (in her own eyes at least) to this guy for drugs. Nor does it really matter, SHE has chosen drugs.
It's OK to fall head over heels in love, but next like - TAKE the time to get to know them. So you can "weed" out the women who also brings drama and a lot of issues.
Blocking her is a good thing. Best way to move on is to not keep her around.
Chin up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): Careful with the name-calling! I just read your last post. The things I explained were not to incite you, or make you mean and nasty. It was a dose of reality. We often see what we want to see, when we think we care strongly for someone.
Back-off, but don't be nasty to her. You have no right to show cruelty or disrespect to any woman. Just be a man, and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): Sincerely advise her to seek help for her medical and drug issues.
You can't allow people who aren't proactively dealing with their drug and alcohol issues into your life; because they are not able to fully appreciate the gift you are offering them. You fell for what's on the surface; you don't see what lies deep beneath her facade. That's the part that I'm warning you about.
You're not actually inviting the true person that she is into your life; but her problems that dominate her life. She is buried beneath them. Until that issue is dealt with and under control; the drugs are who you are with. Not the person.
Until a person who is a drug-abuser commits to helping themselves to alleviate their demons; they are unable to fully commit to you. Their demons control their judgement, behavior, and imprisons their souls.
Like I said, you must have compassion for all humanity. That doesn't mean you knowingly allow people to drag their bad choices and substance-abuse into your life. I think you slightly missed my point.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (3 September 2017):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThought you guys deserved an update: so I pretty much confirmed that she's been fucking this guy for drugs and confronted her about it. Our initial phone conversation through me because during that early Chit Chat part, she revealed to me that shes been Diagnosed as bipolar and her docs will have her taking Lithium soon. Regardless of her medical and emotional issues, her actions and Life Choices has made me lose tremendous respect for her as a person. Whoring yourself for drugs is pitiful and disgusting. Anyway I removed her from all my social media and told her goodbye, below are the last 3 texts that she sent me.
"So we can't be friends?"
"Can we talk?"
"So I'm pretty bummed that you've already deleted me off Facebook and Instagram and aren't replying back. I don't know what I did wrong but I'm sorry if I upset you. I really valued our friendship and now this seems like yet another loss in my life. Don't know how much more I can take."
And there we go. The End.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): ...boy realises crazy chick has been playing him!..and decides to cut all ties and quit the romantic love thing ..but the sex was good..(sigh!)But boy is moving on!He can get sex in many places but right now he hasnt chosen where!New partner will arrive to liven up his life.Retrospectively he realises crazy girl was probably giving blojobs in the car and thats why her ex she was ovetr and didnt want her back!It looks like motorbike guy and she may last a while as long as they can get what they need.Op moves on and realises she was a sweet and gorgeous, highly addictive and attractive girlfriend but not good long term partner material and certainly not the mother of his kids.His heart would break if they had kids and she was round the back of the yard getting something she needed in return for sexual favours.And the baby would be p***d off too as mamas milk would taste a bit wierd and he might cry at night or sleep a bit too soundly and then op realises that he wants a stable and happy life, not all give on his part and no dreafdful moments of remorse and regret later.Just a happy life of love and laughter!With a woman who is ready to take the steps needed to build the family.Maybe someone who would make a good soccer-mum.Someone reliable enough to remember they had kids, not someone who wanted to dance with the fairies at the first sound of the icecream van!Not someone who would go out drinking and forget they had kids!Not someone who had no sense of commitment to their future!Someone decent and normal!op needs to know he has oodles of charm and good sense of humour and girls just luuuuurve that and they dont like to looose that kind of guy.Nice guys deserve nice female for wife!Ok maybe not always perfect, but not too damaged either!Good luck .. you will meet someone soon unless one if your long established friends has been overlooked and steps in to help you.If they do try to rescue you back...look carefully at this person.Are they your life partner who has been overlooked?If they are not, then you may be sure that someone else will arrive soon, but let your mind be at peace and remember its mr.motorbike who will be checking dark corners for his wife while the drug soaked child cries and feel relief not remorse that you called time on this distressing situation.Rehab may avert that crises in later years!I put my words in tho i dont know you but I like your story writing style and wanted to borrow it for a day! I wish you well in your quest.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 The long and the short of this is that : girl is a cokehead. Boy is not. Never the twain shall meet. It's two different worlds which do not mesh , and you should not strive to make them mesh. So , it should not even take the 20 minutes you are talking about to figure out what you are going to do. You did not know about her lifestyle and "close friend" at first, but once you knew it really there's not much to ponder over, don't you think ?
I guess this is the problem , Solidus. Pardon me but your remark that you also date girls who are not problem girls, you just happen to need advice only about the problem ones, is rather superficial and it shows you are still unaware of what's going on.
You asked advice SEVERAL times, so your problem girls have been SEVERAL.
You have reached an age , 30-35 ( or maybe even a bit more than that, seing how many years you have been present on Dear Cupid ? ) where normally there are no problem girls, or very very few. There are relationships that do not work, there are things that sizzle than fizzle, there are occasions that looks great at first but turn out not what you really need, etc... yes, of course things can go pear shaped for many reasons at any age.
But, by your age,most people has learned to put on their filters, to select and enforce their deal breakers, to activate a coherent screening process and act consequently.
You seem not have quite mastered that - and who does not learn from his mistakes is bound to repeat them.
You don't do drugs ? Cool, no druggies then. No alcohool ? No alcoholists either then. You want someone sane, safe and healthy ? then no people with troublesome mental conditions.
You need to have in place , I am not going to say "fences ", but filters ,at least, to screen what comes into your life. Otherwise if you are totally flexible, totally permeable... you let in any kind of toxic, negative flotsam !
I am not saying that you need to use MY filters, or your friends' filters. Filters are very personal . Like, if you are a liberal , you might go from just " No neo nazi allowed in my house " to an intransigent " No Trump voters in my house ". You decide at what level you raise the bar. But... there must be some kind of bar ( unless, to go back to my example, you are open to find yourself hosting a meeting of a KuKlux Klan chapter ).
You say that first you fell in love with this girl and then you found out about her addiction. Sure, that happens too, some times, I won't deny it .... but more often , it's very telling. It tells that first one falls in love ( or in lust ) and then makes questions. First one ends up in bed with unlikely and unsavoury bedmates, and then finds himself all loved up and lusted up and emotionaly addicted up with the Beast, not the Beauty he was looking for.
You also say that all what these different girls had in common is that they were all beautiful and cool . ( Well, you are in L.A. what do you expect :) It's mandatory. The uncool ones , they deport them to Northern California ,lol )
That's telling too. It tells that it does not take much to impress you, and that you are impressed by looks and " cool ". Which is fine as long as you want just kill time in company of a woman, or gather funny episodes to tell your future grandchildren, but if you want a companion for life, or at least for a long term relationship, that should not be enough to turn your head. There should be more substance, more "meat " , more compatibility, more mutuality before you start building Spanish castles( and seeing them punctually destroyed in a few weeks ).
All in all, I'd say that you have been lucky so far. I do not remember the specifics of your love troubles, I just remember that there have been ups and downs following to poor choices- but at least you haven't met gold diggers. You open yourself so wide, and so early, to any possible kind of manupulation and exploitation, that you must have an excellent fairy goodmother to not have meet yet some " cool " misfit , who , besides taking advantage of your warm, kind heart, has also bled you dry financially ! Don't abuse of your luck, fairy goodmothers do not do overtime...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 September 2017):
 Glad to see you have decided to end this relationship (and I hope you were strong enough to carry that decision through).
Your love cannot save her. At the moment she loves drugs more than anything/anyone else. Until she starts to love HERSELF, she will carry on this self-destructive path. If you stay in this relationship, she will take you down with her.
You sound like a well-educated fairly intelligent guy. I do wonder why you would tolerate this sort of situation. You need to listen to your female friends. They sound like a sensible lot and have your best interests at heart.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (2 September 2017):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the straight up talk Wise Owl, I really appreciate your honesty. If I'm being completely honest, I really do not get off on being the White Knight. My only concern for her is that I've seen drugs destroy people's lives and while I try not to be preachy with people I care about I'm never going to hide disapproval for something detrimental to your health. She has ulcerative colitis and clinical depression. Cocaine and alcohol Are depressants and are extremely detrimental to her emotional well-being. Not to mention the Havoc that the cocaine is wreaking on her body and biochemistry. If she did not have all of these medical problems I'd just shut up and let her do whatever she wants but the problem is I fell for her before I knew about to cocaine and the medical condition.
And For the record, I don't always date women who have a host of problems, but the whole point of this place is to get help with the problem ones, I have no need to talk to you guys about the good ones. Lol
Bottom line, I'm about 20 minutes from calling her and letting her know that we won't be seeing each other anymore. That although I have feelings for her and care very deeply about her our relationship is detrimental to me and she isn't who I thought she was.
Once again I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for the insightful, well thought, and fantastic advice that you provided me over the years. Especially you wise I really appreciate it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Aunts, uncles, and readers...anybody! Please explain to me why people do crazy, stupid, or horrible things; and not want to be judged? Does that mean, anything short of a capital-offense has to be dismissed or overlooked?
I mean...seriously??? She lives like a junkie, but she doesn't want you to judge her?!! Oh, really?!! If she doesn't shoot heroine, she seems like a likely candidate!
It's not just weed. Her choice of drugs includes the more expensive and addictive-drug, cocaine.
Perhaps, if you're the kind of guy that anything goes; and you have nothing to lose. You need a party-girl. Do you have a degree and a good job? A good family-name? Nice parents?
Then you have something to lose!!! All of it! Behind someone who doesn't care about her own life. Druggies deserve compassion like any other human-being, but not pity. They bring loss, pain, and destruction wherever they go.
What's there to be so head-over-heels about? Is she much younger, and it's mostly about sex? She's a flat-out loser, and her life revolves around getting high. You're intrigued by her; perceiving her to be some helpless lost kitten. You're her hero and savior on a white horse! No pun intended.
Reality-check! She's a liar and the typical drug-abuser in denial. If her friends says she's boinking the guy, she is! Possibly in exchange for drugs; or just because she likes to! Don't be a sucker! Why would her own "friends" warn you?
You're a guy heading for a downward-spiral. Getting involved with a low-life female who has flushed her life down the toilet. You feel sorry for her, and think you can rescue her. She only sees you as a dude who'll pay for dates, has a big crush; and someone who can pull her out of the pit, when she feels bad about herself. Reassuring her she can still find a decent-guy, in spite of throwing her life away. That would be enabling her, and helping to support her reckless life-style. Your feelings are useful, not reciprocated.
People on drugs drag you down with them. They will steal from you, manipulate you through your feelings, embarrass you, and infect you with STD's. They often don't have the money for their drugs; and can run into drug-debt. Unless they have a f*ck-buddy who shares. They don't think to use protection; or while being under the influence, lose all inhibitions that would invoke safety and precautions. They aren't picky about partners, or remember who they were.
You're playing on the wrong side of the tracks. When you do it and know it, but do it anyhow? That's being stupid. It's inviting stuff into your life that will ruin you emotionally, financially; and you'll eventually run into scrapes with the law.
You're jealous of the guy, so your ego is going to make you more competitive. You'll try to win her over to your side.
He's offering her something as bait. Supporting her habits.
You'll lose. He'll win. Maybe they'll take it undercover. Continue more secretly. You'll never know. Druggies are sneaky and deceptive. They have to be.
Stop thinking with the little head, and employ the larger one. You tell a cute story; but it's heading for a tragic-ending. I'll be straight to the point. I shoot from the hip. Perhaps you prefer a lighter touch.
I think you're a nice-guy, but in over your head. A soft-touch isn't going to be too effective. You think you love her; so you have to read several warnings from several different people before anything sticks. You're not in your 20's, and you should be advising people based on your own experience! Not needing it!
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (2 September 2017):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh ruby, I really appreciate you taking the time to council me through these times, I have absolutely no idea why I am attracted to this type of woman. I promise you that I'm not doing it on purpose and that I don't want this type of drama or heartache in my life. None of my girlfriends look anything alike, and their personalities And styles differ drastically. The only thing from my perspective that they seem to share is that they're always beautiful, fun, and cool. It's only upon getting to know them better that they begin to display the darker aspects of their personalities. Most of them I meet through friends and personal acquaintances, I'm beginning to think it's a Los Angeles thing. There's a saying that when someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them. Despite how much I care about her I've decided to cut her off today. I'm going to call him this afternoon and end things completely. Thank you again for always helping me. Much thanks to you as well honey.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Boy likes girl who has problems and is not over ex.Girl likes boy especially becuz he understands she is not over ex.Girl likes boy who gets high.Boy likes girl who gets high.One thing they both understand is that noone else would understand what they are going through and getting high works for them!She never thought of op as her boyfriend and wonders why he is concerned.Op does crazy and random things himself.He likes crazy and random chicks and wants one to himself.Motorbike winks at him and hints they are an item but chick has two or three items on the go as normal.She expects boy to understand this especially as she has been seeing less of him.She wouldnt sell her body for drugs!Its just that new guy and drugs and sex go hand in hand.What is she to say to comfort boy?It wasnt planned!
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (2 September 2017):
Oh Solidus, Solidus, Solidus.... you really do pick 'em don't you?
You've been posting on this site for many, many moons and all your girlfriends have been the same. Sometimes I wonder if you're talking about the same girl.
They've all have emotional problems such as depression; they drink too much and abuse drugs; they go cold on you after you've started sleeping with them; they flirt with other guys; they pussy-foot about committing to a relationship; they moan about their chaotic lifestyle but do nothing to change it...
Meanwhile, you sit and listen to their problems, wipe vomit from their hair when they've over imbibed, take late night drives to bus-stops when they've threatened to self-harm and wait patiently for your love to change them. And it's never happened, has it?
You don't seem to have learned from your experiences at all. People like that don't change - not just from having a sensitive lover or a good friend, anyway.
In some of your posts (and in your posts under your other handle "Rey") you've often wondered if some of your girlfriends have had personality disorders. You're right - they probably do and anyone who has any kind of relationship with them will find it tumultuous.
I totally agree with HoneyPie and that you should leave this girl to her own devices - she is toxic. I also think you should consider some form of counselling or therapy for yourself so you can look at WHY you are so very attracted to this type of woman.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 September 2017):
Listen to your FEMALE friends,
DUMP the woman. She isn't in a state to DATE anyone and she is toxic. She has mental issues and a budding drug addiction. What DO you see in her that you try and keep her around? Don't TRY and date her for the "potential" you see in her, because that is not what you are getting. YOU are getting drama and indifference.
She doesn't care for you, she doesn't want to be with you. You were just a convenient dude to sleep with while leaving her ex-bf or while he was leaving her...
If she is in her 30's like you, and acting like this - what good can come of being with her?
Sorry, the answer is NOTHING.
And yes, you CAN forget about her if you WANT to. Right now I think you are in a "white knight" mode hoping you can save her and get that "beautiful person" to be with you.
She doesn't WANT to be rescued. She doesn't WANT you or to BE the person you want her to be.
I know it's hard when you care for someone, but all you are getting is drama.
She LOVES the drugs, not you.
Think about it.
YOU are making this short "relationship" into some epic romance when it never was one.
If you think about it, look at the time spent with her. Look and think about what you want in a partner. Does she REALLY meet those criteria? I guess not...
Don't you deserve better?
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