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Bothered that my girl has had a threesome before we dated..

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 September 2006) 26 Answers - (Newest, 19 December 2012)
A male , *lassofwater writes:

I have a question involving threesomes. My girlfriend has told me that she has been in a threesome in which she was with two guys. One of the two guys was just who she was dating at the time and the other his friend. She told me it was great. I told her that this bothered me because I feel like I'll never be able to match up to that experience. She told me that she I already have, because she actually cares about me a lot more than both of those guys and that matters to a girl. This seems like a complete cop-out answer to me. Any thoughts?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012):

I found this through Google and I'll post my advice to whoever else may read it in the future.

So your current partner had threesomes before and you got to learn about it somehow. Damage done. You may or may not be able to deal with it and your relationship may or may not last for whatever other reasons. But learn a lesson NOW, because there's a fair chance she's not your last anyway.

Don't discuss your sexual history with anyone you sleep with or intend to sleep with. Not even with hookups. "Oh, but it wouldn't upset me, she's just a FWB, I don't even care" you say? Guess what, many relationships start out like this, she doesn't mean much to you initially but a few months later you find yourself deep in love and all the dirty stuff she shared with you from her past starts to hurt and get in your head.

Some people can deal with it easily but if you ended up on this page chances are you can't, which is perfectly okay and holds for most people.

This is my best advice. Resist the urge, don't ask, don't tell. You think you want to know but really, you don't. Forget the "if you really love her you accept her past" bullshit. I'm not saying it's not true, but why would you want to make it hard for yourself? Stay away from that baggage. It can screw up and embitter otherwise perfect relationships. And it's not even your fault.

You don't have to heed my advice but you'll be sorry for it. Cheers!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012):

Being the one that DID this ... You have no idea how hard it is to be the one who is judged on your past. I LOVE my boyfriend with all that I am and knowing that he doesn't look at me as the same person he's known all these years HURTS.

I was Drunk with an ex a few years back, I was unemployed, depressed and just LOST... I Did not enjoy it, it just happened. Now years later the right guy comes along and my past is Haunting me.

I Wish I could go back & erase what happened from my life. But unlike the other posts... It is NOT something I still want, something that is a part of my life or anything like that... It was a Fucked up period in my life where I just let people take advantage of my venerability.

I have never been so "In Love" with anyone in my life, he's the ONE man I want to grow old with.

It hurts sooooooooo Bad.

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A male reader, Letsstayawake United States +, writes (25 October 2010):

Think about it, if you slept with two skank hoes. Then you met the most amazing girl ever, What would you say?" I actually care about you a lot more than both of those girls." Not a cop out. Speaking from experiance, my gf had a threesome with a married couple before she met me. If it really bugs to just think about it as... She is with you, not them. Don't write her off.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010):

i have the same problem, only she is still friends with the married couple. they have been friends for years and she was in a terrible place. this was over 2 years before we met but she hooked up with two of her friends when she was really really drunk. he says she hated it and just didnt have the courage to speak up and after she hated herself. but she maintains that they are great people and are close friends. its was apparently never spoken of again and they have all moved on. it haunts me to know they are still friends and she wants me to meet them and their kids (who they had back then too) she acts with them like it never happened. she tells me if she knew what it would do to us now she would never have done it and she didnt enjoy it and hates herself for it. i cant get passed it because they are still around in her life. i dont want them part of mine. i dont know where to go from here but i love her and want to marry her

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010):

Here's what I find to be a common thread among most sexual jealousy cases: people struggle with the fact that much like all other activities, sexual activities have physical and emotional pleasure/satisfaction attached to them, and not everyone feels the same degree of pleasure in each. There are broad spectrums of physical and emotional pleasure that people feel individually in most anything in life, but sex is one that registers highly on both categories with most people.

First, the physical side. Let's admit it: sexual relations, whether they be intercourse or otherwise, deliver high degrees of physical pleasure. In its raw, animalistic form, sex may be the most pleasurable physical activity there is. Sexual satisfaction is a primal urge, and is on the minds of most people regularly. And again, in its raw, physical element, most people genuinely enjoy sex. Because of this, most people pursue some type of sexual gratification, in a variety of ways.

Second, the emotional side. Most people also recognize that sex is also a very emotionally charged activity. It is quite possibly the most intimate activity that people can undertake. It requires close physical contact, which in turn requires us to lower our defenses, thereby imparting a sense of trust in the other person.

Most people have knowledge that sex exists on both the physical and emotional levels. Where a lot of people stumble is on realizing:

A) There is a physical and emotional pleasure spectrum tied to almost every activity in our lives;

B) Different people attain different levels of physical and/or emotional satisfaction from these activities, including sex, and;

C) Balance between the two spectrums is needed for a sustainable existance.

Let's look at another activity we're all familiar with: eating. It, like sex, is another basic elemental activity in life, needed to maintain physical and mental health. Most people also will admit that a quality meal is both physically and emotionally satisfying. However, to some people, there is more of a physical element only, and to some, there is more of an emotional element, and to feel overwhelming amounts of one over the other can lead to ill effects.

To a person who derives their primary source of physical fulfillment from eating, ill health effects are likely to follow. The obvious include obesity, cardiovascular effects and so on. Additionally, they become so consumed with attaining physical pleasure from that activity only run the risk of becoming numb to the emotional side; the action becomes almost mechanical.

Vice versa, a person who puts so much emphasis on emotional fulfillment from eating may possibly downplay or ignore other emotional involvements. They become so psychologically dependent on that one activity that their mental stability almost depends on performing that task. Also, they become so emotionally caught up in eating, they are unable to let themselves go and simply enjoy a basic physical pleasure of life.

The flip side of the coin exists as well: those that deny themselves physical or emotional pleasure from eating run the risk of ill health effects and psychological issues.

An analogy: Let's say you love a particular food. Let's go with steak. You enjoy steaks regularly, but keep your consumption in relative moderation. However, on a few isolated occasions, particularly when you were young and had a very high metabolism, you were were known to order and consume 3 16oz ribeyes in one sitting. They were borderline painful, but still highly enjoyable and satisfying instances. It's not something you look to repeat very frequently, but it was still enjoyable.

Some people might find it appalling, however. Some people do not approve of the consumption of beef. Some are vegetarian. Some might find your actions gluttonous. But to you, it was satisfying.

Let's say down the road, you start a relationship with someone that is not as comfortable with that level of food consumption, for whatever reason. For the most part, they don't have a problem with your regular, but moderated, consumption of your favorite food. One day, you decide that you'd like to try another ribeye binge, since you attained a high degree of physical and emotional pleasure from it before. Your significant other disapproves of your desire, says they are somewhat disturbed by your past actions and respectfully asks you not to do so again. This is where the varying degrees of physical vs. emotional pleasure come in to play, and how people can impact others' levels of pleasure. Now, you would still likely attain a degree of physical satisfaction from eating those steaks, but your emotional satisfaction would be lessened, knowing that your significant other did not approve. Most people would likely put their steak binge aside, knowing that it would cause emotional distress to their significant other. Yes, you'd like to eat all of that food again, but it is a relatively extreme physical act that done too much, could cause physical issues. Also, because of your relationship, you have no emotional regrets of declining to do so.

I know it's a bit of a stretch to compare food and sex, but similar elements are at work. Your girlfriend's threesome may have been her "steak binge". At that point in her life, she may have thought that since she liked sex, why not take it to this physical extreme? From your tone, it doesn't sound like it became a regular activity for her, and she at least knew both parties involved, which lessens the physical risk to a degree. Sex being a pleasurable activity, I'm sure she did derive some physical satisfaction from it. And if she did, asking her to deny that fact may not be possible from her perspective. However, it may have been simply a curiosity based question of pushing a pleasurable activity to an extreme. She may have desired to do it, done it, had a good time doing it, but because of the extreme nature, may genuinely not have a desire to do it again.

From the emotional side of things, it may be hard to see from your perspective, but all of the emotional issues she would feel from a MMF threesome might not be negative. Let's face it: we all like some attention every now and then, particularly from members of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's your thing). She may have enjoyed the sexual attention of two men at once. From the sounds of things, she wasn't consumed by getting the attention and sought out that type of activity on a regular basis, nor does it sound like she relied on that attention to fill another emotional need that may have been lacking.

Don't read too much into her answer, since it may be the truth. Yes, she may have genuinely enjoyed her past experience, and not regret doing so, but it also sounds like that she is more than happy to set aside that particular variety of physical pleasure for a different, more satisfying variety of physical and emotional pleasure with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

I want to say thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences as it has helped me look at my own relationship differently. I too am dating a woman who had participated in a threesome during her high school years. She first told me about the experience when we were in the hook-up phase (I think she wanted to let the cat out of the bag before getting serious to make sure I could handle it). Her reason for doing it involved low self esteem, lack of fatherly advice and attention. At first I was so angry that I said awful things to make her feel worse about her choices, but soon after I realized how hurt she was about the whole situation and began to understand why these choices came to be. Expressing my feelings to her afterward in a calm way really helped both of us. She was able to talk with me about the circumstance that she was in at the time and the reasons why she may have made those choices. I love her very much and will not allow her past to consume my thoughts and end such a healthy relationship. Understanding what they may have been going through is key, and expressing your own feelings in a calm manner helps as well. I hope this helps.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009):

Im on the same boat. Reading that other people are goin through the same stuff really helps. I know what bothers me the most is how I have this vivid imagination that I picture it in my head over and over. I love her more than anythin and it does suck to have to know somethin like that, but there isnt anythin to be done. Just accept it and keep movin forward. It may take a while to accept or even forget but if you really love her it eventually will stop botherin you. Trust me, my gf sprung it on me when I didnt ask and yes it bothered me. All I can say is, if it really bothers you talk to her bout how you feel and if she doesnt understand you then I dont know what to say.

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A male reader, The_Atomizer United States +, writes (6 December 2009):

Any thoughts, you say? Yes.

Everyone you date comes with baggage of some sort. And people are bothered by different things. You feel how you feel and you can't do anything about it.

Her saying that she loves you and what went on before is likely to mean nothing to you, and I can understand why you are upset about it.

I'd find out two things:

1) What really bothers you about this? Is it that you feel you can't measure up? Do you feel she is still like this? Is it pure, 100% sexual jealousy? I'd get to the root of why it bothers you.

2) Why did she tell you this? Did you ask her? Is she using this to emotionally manipulate you? Was she hoping to get some kind of response from you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009):

I'm in the same situation, my gf had a threesome with two dude before when she was just getting out of highschool. And she had a lot of sex before we got together, I'm over the fact she had a lot of sex, the only thing that bothers me is the threesome. I'm not worried if I can trust her or if she wants me to have one, we entertained the idea but decided it wasmt for us. In the end I know that she isn't going to hurt me and I'm glad she didn't lie to me about it. I probably shouldn't have asked but I knew somethings had happened and my imagination would have driven me crazy. I'm just worried about what people say about my gf, granted not a lot of people know but I still hope I don't know the guys did it with. Idk how I would feel if I knew them. But I guess the only thing that matters in the end is that you trust her and she trusts you. The only thing that matters in your relationship is you and her, no other outside sources.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009):

I'm glad to see so many men going through the same thought process. My girlfriend had an 'orgy' before we started dated and she slep around quite a bit for a younger girl. She didn't do two guys at teh same time, but in the same bed, same night I guess. Even before we had sex, she said she had hi a wall and she wanted to stop. We've talked about how it's bothered me and she seems to feel genuinely upset that I feel this way.

What really sucked was how she told me. She just told me out of the blue, like it was no big deal at all. I didn't even ask her.Her reaction made me feel better and sorry for her, she basically sank to her knees alarmed that she had told me and because of my reaction. I think she really loves me, and I love her. Now that we're long-distance it's bothering me again, for some reason, wish I could just stop thinking about it.

But I love her and she wants me to feel better about it and she want to do whatever she can to make me feel better.

I'm going to try and move on and realize that past is past. I've had some sordid sexual experiences in the past, and I don't think she would hold it against me. Just pay attention to the time that you BOTH have spent together and the great times yet to come. I like to think the past is dead.

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A male reader, aerowenn United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

Obviously I was curious about this same situation, how I came upon this post. My girlfriend told me of the same thing, but, in her defense I asked about her past. Always a bad outcome be it "good" or "bad", because perspective will always find the bad. She said it was something she wasn't proud of, it was a horrible experience for her, she was worried that my image of her would change, and I can't lie that it did. Even though her words lowered the blow, it is sickening like all the other guys on here say, makes my stomach turn to think about it, and sometimes I can't get the image out of my head. But I asked for it, she played it smart and said "I don't want to know anything about your past, because I'm not part of it." So who was the stronger person? Personally I would drive myself crazy wondering if hadn't asked, at least I think I would. I guess all I can say is, try to get over it for her. If she loves you, and you love her, the here and now is all that matters. I assume over time I'll get over it completely, it's been about 3 months ago since I found out.

Finally, I'll ask you the same question my best friend asked me when I told him about it... "If given the chance, would you have sex with two women at one time?" I replied a quick "yes", to which he said "Then how can you hold her choice against her?"

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A male reader, lordhelmit United States +, writes (30 March 2009):

think of it this way:

how great could it have been, seeing as how shes not even with him or them anymore? ;]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008):

Just receently found out the same news bro. Cant even think about it without wanting to vomit. Never thought she was like that before. I just have to say is beware just like I am, cause I think everybody still carries the traits they once had. Still not sure if we will stay together. I like a girl who is hard to get and doesn't like to venture. Good luck man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

Hahaha, I can't believe I found this. Google.com is amazing. I just met a really nice girl, and she told me she had a threesome with two guys in college. She seems a little wild, but is so nice when she is with me. I'm not sure what will come of it, but when I found that out my stomach turned...but who am I to hold it over her especially if it was in the past.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008):

Great it's wonderfull, at least she has put her wicked ways behind her and is not asking you to share in a threesome with her and somebody else.

You need do nothing, she is bored of her previous behaviour and is glad she met a man as great as you are to settle down with for the rest of her life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008):

Hey I had to deal with the same problem with my girl. she really was a slut before we got together, but you have to look at the deeper things, the reason why she was with so many men. Maybe she had a worthless dad and felt a deep yearning to find a strong male figure, so she went with the only way girls know how to catch a guy. sleeping with them. It really is a strange feeling because it's almost a turn on and yet it makes you sick at the same time. I see it like this: As my sexual partner it's kind of cool that she's down for different because it means that you can try a lot of things without her getting all weirded out, however, as the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with, it's kind of disgusting that 2 guys were inside her at the same time. But anyway, if you truly love the girl you will be able to get past it. it took me a couple of months to finally let it go and get back to loving her, and things have been much better sense. Oh and another thing- if she's down with two guys, usually she's down for another girl. I dunno if you like that idea, but hey, how bad could it be?

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A male reader, Samson76 United States +, writes (15 June 2008):

I feel your pain. My Fiance is drop dead gorgeous, and her younger years were explicit. she was gay for a couple years, and had more than a few threesomes with other couples. SLut behavior if you ask me. I was never that adventurous with sex most of my relationships was with people I cared about, not with people I just happen be drunk and high with. Now she is a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN-and she doesn't do that stuff anymore,-can you believe that shit. WHat bothers me is I get the ass 3-4 times a month and she wants to call me a sex fiend. And if she loved me you would want to experience these things with me,--hell you did it with random strangers.

3 years into this shit I love her deeply. and we are a few days away from buying a house. ANd I am just not goingto beable to do it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008):

Wow. I can't believe there's actually people out there with the exact same problem I have. Except that my gf had a threesome with her female room mate and another dude. Then again with another dude. It wouldn't be so bad if she at least said something like "Well I was young and it was a rash thing to do." or something. But fact is, she really enjoyed it, and wants to do it again with me. I told her that I'm not really cool with that and she seemed surprised, like every guy is supposed to like that. Not that I have a problem with it per se. If that's your bag, fine, its just not mine. Anyway I too am having a hard way getting it out of my head. The problem is that I really love her and this one little thing is really weigh that down. I know it may be unfair to be bothered by this, but I am. Glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this way.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

Well, my girlfriend did the same... and it sucks because that means my girlfriend is an XSlut. And I don't know if there is such a thing. She cares alot about me too. but I guess some girls weakness is men.. Sucks man it fucking sucks.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006):

Oh man, I'm in the same position, I cant get the picture of her doing that out of my head, honestly it makes me really nauseous. I know she's not a slut or anything, but the fact that she let two guys do that to her just makes me really ill. I love her to death but it sucks that I have to live with that, I just wish it never happened.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006):

I'm in the exzact same situation except my girl freind had a threesome with a guy and a girl.I'm mostly jelous because thr guy was her ex but I don't want a threesome with her because I would get jelous of her freind.

I can't seem to put the image of her doing something so slutty out of my mind.I feel like it happened only yesterday thogh it was many years ago...I don't know what to tell you.

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A female reader, Toria +, writes (29 September 2006):

Toria agony auntI wouldn't say it was a cop-out as she could truely feel more for you than both of them therefore satisfying her that you are and always will be enough for you.

Someones sexual past doesn't always mean thats the things she's already done are things she wants to continue doing, I think most of us get curious about things and in some situations we try them out, whether good or bad experiance we don't necessarily always want to do them again.

Good luck :o)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2006):

well why would she tell him? Ofcourse she wants to have a threesome again, what do you think? But deffinately not a reason to stop dating..

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A male reader, Duke Boy +, writes (29 September 2006):

I'd quit dating her if you do not proceed with it she may have a three some with someone else. Or just tell her you will if she gets another girl so you can run a train that may mess her up enough that she doesn't go along with it you know.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (29 September 2006):

eyeswideopen agony auntSharing the details of one's sexual past with a new pardner is always bad pizza! Just look at all the postings we have here about people coping with their lover's past! Try to put it out of your mind and think of your wonderful future together. Good luck!

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A female reader, camille United Kingdom +, writes (29 September 2006):

camille agony auntIt's not a cop out. There's no need to feel threatened, she's with you and I'm sure it's more fulfilling to be one on one with someone you love than a one off experience.

But why she told you any of this is beyond me, it really is. Some things just don't need to be shared, I mean what did she think you'd say, 'well done love'?

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