A
female
age
30-35,
*shBash1989
writes:Here is a brief bit of background to shed some light frist. My current boyfriend once lied to me and I forgave him but I am finding it incredibly hard to forget in the way that he wants me to.This is most difficult when it comes to his behaviuor regarding his phone. He says that he does not want to show me his phone out of principle but what can be so tragic on his phone that would permit such behaviour? Im open minded and not judgemental I just have a fine line which if crossed then I stand my ground I wont be a door mat obviously... so what could be the issue? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): Since when was it ok to check someone's phone? If you don't trust him and feel the need to be checking what is rightfully his own private business, then leave him and move on. He's given you reason enough to doubt him anyway. You're still young so don't waste your time on someone you can't trust. It will only get worse if you stay with him, I sound harsh, but I've been there, checking my boyfriends phone, having been betrayed and losing that trust but staying for too long with the wrong person. I've also been the one who's lied to my other half (in the past) and I know all you want is for the other person to forget about it and trust you again because you're sorry, but it's unreasonable to expect those feelings to go away after you've wronged somebody. We have our own boundaries on what is ok and what's not, but if he's crossed that boundary once, whether he cheated or whatever he did that hurt you, once is one time to many. Good luck
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (15 May 2014):
 I understand you feeling the need to check his phone. He did something that broke your trust and you are defensive about trusting him and worried about what he might be up to. But he is entitled to privacy and he lacks the freedom of functioning without you demanding to know his every move. For that reason this relationship cannot work. All relationships have to be based around trust. If you cannot trust him that's fair enough as he has lost your trust. But its up to you now to either end the relationship and let you both move on, or work at regaining each others trust rather than carrying on with this situation that is just tearing the relationship apart further. If he cannot realistically regain your trust without jumping through ridiculous hoops then it needs to become a closed chapter. If he could change simple, mutually agreeable things to enable trust to be regained than maybe its worth a try but you would both need to work hard at it. Him to prove he is trustworthy and you to let go of past mistakes and allow the trust back into your own mind. The sad thing is that the more you try to, for example, look at his phone, the more he tries to not let you have that hold and control over him. The end result is that he becomes over protective of his phone and you see that as being something terrible to hide. Mark
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): If you feel the need to go through your partners phone, there is no trust in the relationship and therefore you shouldn't be together. Quite simple.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 You forgave him but you don't trust him.
Have you told him you want to go through his phone because you don't trust him?
do you realize if you don't trust him there is no relationship?
I think it's admirable that you ASK permission to see his phone... and yes the fact that he says NO would be a red flag for me. Is it a deal breaker for you? do you think something is going on now or is this more about control... think about your reasons for wanting/needing to go through his phone....
I dated prior to cell phones.. I can't imagine how I would have been if I had that and the internet to deal with too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): if you know the name of this colleague facebook them and say it's inappropriate how much time they spend texting your boyfriend. That'll shock both of them. And hopefully end it."Have some self respect and common decency"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): what a controlling person you are.it is his phone, HIS, NOT yours, its none of your business!how would you like it if he demanded to go through yr phone?you wouldnt...Either you trust him or you leave him, rships are about trust and if you cant trust then you are not ready for one.I suggest you see a counsellor for your jealousy, our phones are private, seriously do you want to write his texts for him too?jealousy and control freak behaviour kills any rship.mind your own business.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I understand his point. Once upon a time my former girlfriend had a fit for I didn't play my VM, the blinking red light infuriated her. I did it out of principle; I was in charge of my, then, single life. The message happened to be from my mother. I guess the point is how much do you insist. If you MUST see his phone, you are probably overbearing. If you generally don't care, but he is actively hiding from you when he gets / reads a message; that may be a red flag.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I think that in order to get your relationship back on the right track, you should not expect to look through his phone and learn to trust him again.
Feeling like you're entitled to go through his personal property to prove he's not lying is not healthy. Either you can or you can't forgive him for whatever he did and move on. If you feel you need to look into his personal business to give yourself peace of mind, you're with the wrong person.
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A
female
reader, hearttoheart +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I understand wanting to go through his phone. I was the same way with an ex-boyfriend. I DID go through his phone. And I was so obsessed with going through his phone, that it drove me NUTS.
Do you REALLY want to put yourself through it??? Because I can tell you, it was very tormenting! Just relax. Chill. Get that out of your mind.
If you don't trust him, then find someone that you CAN trust.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Respect and Trust are two very important things in a relationship. Even if my BF wanted to show me his phone, I wouldn't look through it.. I would only look at the specific thing he is showing me from his phone.
Even if he lied to you once, it doesn't justify you access to his phone any time you feel like it and there's no excuse for it.
Please just give him space and freedom, if he loves you, he won't do anything to hurt you. If he is doing things behind your back, then I wouldn't waste the time looking through his phone, I'd just walk out and far away from him. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 May 2014):
I agree with him. You're trying to be controlling and he's putting his foot down.
Now if he's hiding his phone all the time that's different. But not wanting you to search it looking for clues is incredibly understandable.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 You tell us, what could be so tragic on his phone that would permit your demanding access?
What could be the issue? He is not a naughty 10 year old refusing to do something his mother asks. You are not his wife, a status which would, presumably, give you more rights than a girlfriend.
Sure, if he lied to you it will take time to rebuild the trust, I am sure both of you are aware of that ....... and the two of you will need to find a way to work around that will allow both of you to come out winners, win win is always much better in relationships than win lose.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
 He doesn't OWE you to show his phone. I understand his principles that HE has a right to his privacy. You don't OWN him you DATE him.
Same goes for him, he has no RIGHT to go through your phone either.
If you think by going through his phone you can "prevent" him from doing bad or dumb things you either don't trust him or you presume he is incapable of thinking for himself.
Now I DO get that there a times were transparency can HELP rebuild trust, but one LIE (not sure what he lied about) doesn't mean you should be able to go through his phone on a whim.
Do you really want to be his Warden? His "morality Police"?
By the by, IF you are still HUNG up on his past misdeed then you truly didn't forgive. With forgiveness comes putting the episode in the past (doesn't mean you must forget) but you can no longer USE it against him or as ammo.
Did he AGREE to you going through it when you caught him in that past lie? And are you going to hold that over him forever?
I think you need to consider carefully WHY you feel entitled to go through it. What is it that you hope to find? If it's something bad... You think he is doing bad things, then WHY be in a relationship? Because to me, if you are looking to find bad stuff, it looks more like you are looking for a way out.
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