A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he's 27. He spent 10 years of his adult just watching movies with mates and getting high. I fell in love with him him because he's a good guy. He got a customer assistant job in a shop in the beginning of our relationship And promised he would try to get a career or some qualification but it's been 3 years now and he's done nothing. He's just in the same dead end job on minimum wage.Everytime I mention to him that he should show some urgency and try to look for a career. He gets really defensive and says " I'm not going to just take any job and I don't want to be bored out my nut in an office job". So I try to give him ideas and suggests but he just becomes aggressive and nasty. I try explaining that I want him to improve but he takes it all really offensively. He's says that all I'm interested in is money but that's not true. I just want him to have a career where he can enjoy and be able to look after a future family. I feel like I do all the hard work for my career and he's just relying on me to do money. He calls me a controlling snob just because i want him to improve both financially and his career. What should I do? I want him to be ambitious and proactive in his own but it's just seems like he can't be bothered. He rely on my to write his cover letter and CV. What can I do to help this situation? It'd like he doesn't want to do any hard in life.
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ambition, fell in love, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2015): does he have a college education?
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (22 November 2015):
Honeypie has analyzed this beautifully and I won't disagree with the other aunts/uncles before me, either. You're not going to change him and you will never be satisfied with his lack of ambition. It is time for you to move on. There are lots of good guys with ambition out there. Ideally, your guy will love what he does for a career...it will make him happy, more interesting and (to quote) he will never work another day in his life. This is the sort of partner you should have. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 November 2015):
 At age 50, I started dating a girl who approached "making a reasonable living" just as your guy has done..... She was poor and could hardly support herself. I was OK with that, and always paid the way as and when we did many things.....
We broke up for reasons not related to her work or career.... and, over the years, we have remained friends... and occasionally speak to each other over the phone.
Meanwhile.... she never broke from her form of "... I'm not going to just take any job and I don't want..." and, today, remains in her rut of meniality..... 15 years later, now..
It's my experience that your "BF" isn't likely to change. So, unless you wish to be the "breadwinner" for the two of you.... get out... NOW... and don't look back at what you left.... because there isn't really much future with this guy....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 November 2015):
 First thing you have to do is accept and realize, that you can not change him into whatever image you want him to be, or THINK he should/could be.
You write :
" I want him to be ambitious and proactive "
" I try explaining that I want him to improve "
" I just want him to have a career where he can enjoy and be able to look after a future family."
" i want him to improve both financially and his career "
But that is NOT who he is. And not what HE wants. He is a (sorry) lazy, unambitious, laid back, "slightly" immature fella. He has spend the last 3 years showing you, WHO he is and you refuse to see it, because it's NOT what you want in your mate/partner.
You started dating someone who at age 24 was still living like a 16 year old with movies, friends and pot, and then you expected him to want to become a grown up for you - because that is WHAT you want. He may have matured into a 17 year old (as he now has a steady job) But I think that is as far as he goes. That is to say, unless he realizes that girls don't WANT a 30 year old partner who still acts like a teenager. And THAT he has to realize on his own. You can't "fix" that for him. Or maybe... He just isn't ambitious at all.
Don't get me wrong, the things you want are all RESPONSIBLE/REASONABLE things to want in a mate/partner, doesn't mean you will GET that in every guy you met/date. And while he "promised" when you first started dating that he "would try to get a career or some qualification " - that was said to PLACATE you and make you BACK OFF. He thought by telling you that he would make you happy, and get you off his back at the same time. And it worked! At least for a while.
Remember Yoda? “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”
Your BF isn't trying because he doesn't WANT to. You are the one who wants him to have a career - he doesn't. He is "happy" with Status Quo, just the way things are.
So you are at a crossroad - do you continue with this guy who probably will NEVER have a career, can you ACCEPT that? OR maybe it is time to let him live HIS life as HE sees it, and you to find a better suited GROWN up mate/partner.
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (21 November 2015):
 There's two types of people in this world. One that will work for someone and one that works for themselves. None of them are bad, it's just the differences with people. It seems like he doesn't like the idea of certain jobs, so ask him about what he likes, he would eventually say something, Then try push him to do that, if that doesn't even work, maybe you need to think more about what you want for your future
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