A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend said he has PTSD and he doesn't take any meds for it. He did take meds for a couple months but he didn't like the way it made him feels so he stopped taking. He was in the army and he said he started feeling that way I guess after he got out. He just told me this a couple years ago. We have been together 5 years in August. He seems to have a very short fuse and gets angry very easily. I don't know what to do to help him. I try to talk to him, but he just gets more mad and starts to call me names and I start feeling bad about myself. I think what did I do wrong. I know I didn't but I blame myself and I start having anxiety over it. Then it happens I can't eat or sleep for days. I start feeling depressed and unloved. So I walk on egg shells for days. I'm not sure if he is like this because of the PTSD or he's just angry person. All he talks about is quitting his job which pays very well. He's mad at me because I don't make enough to cover all bills so he can quit and look for another job. Sorry , but I think that's kind of selfish. He does self medicate with alcohol. Sometimes he is better and sometimes even meaner. I don't know what to do. He will be at me for days or ignore and I don't know why or what I did. I'm feeling sad and unloved. Then a few days later its like nothing ever happen.Any advice would be great.
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male
reader, advice301 +, writes (7 August 2014):
Dear Anonymous,
All relationships tend to have issues, whether they are simple everyday problems or serious ones. It is up to the people in the relationship to decide on how to tackle these issues as a couple. However as individuals, it is important to know how you feel about the relationship, how you feel about each other, and identify the problems in the relationship. Identifying each problem in the relationship is key because once the problems are identified you are able to piece together solutions. Other important factors in finding a resolution to the issues you are having in you life is figuring what is important to you, whether or not you want to continue to be in this relationship, and where to find the appropriate resources to help with the issues you are going through. As I read your letter seeking advice on your relationship I identified several problems that need to be addressed in order to have a resolution in your relationship, which are how to cope with someone with PTSD, how to help someone who is choosing alcohol to cope, dealing with the negative feelings stemming from the relationship and what to do with your finances.
According to the PTSD: National Center for PTSD, the problems you are experiencing with your boyfriend are not uncommon to those who are in a relationship with survivors of PTSD. I highly recommend reviewing the website and reading all the different topics on PTSD. It has a great deal of information of how to live with someone with PTSD. It also gives information on what exactly PTSD is, how to treat it, and symptoms of it. The website features a section for friends and family members of survivors. I feel this section will help you understand and validate your feelings on being in a relationship with someone with PTSD. In addition, I recommend seeking some type of counseling for him, yourself, and as a couple. I know you have invested five years of your life in a relationship and if you choose to be with him maybe an outside source or mediator would help you communicate how you feel. It may also help your partner realize his actions. These are a few solutions that may help with your relationship. Maybe understanding what to expect and how to cope with a loved one who has PTSD can be the best solution. There are many resources available online, the Veterans Affairs offices and doctors maybe available to help your boyfriend, and counseling could be an answer too. Here is a link to the website that has information on partners of survivors of PTSD, http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/partners-of-vets.asp. I hope these suggestions help create a solution to one part of the issues going on in your relationship.
Drinking alcohol is deceptive. Alcohol dulls our senses. Initially, it starts out as a part of a social experience. Next it moves to an enhancer of our experiences. Perhaps next we turn to it to relax us, or even to help us reduce our stress. Alcohol causes people to become less sensitive to the feelings of others whereas they believe that they are not alcoholics because they are successful. In your case, your boyfriend wants you to make more money so he can stay home because he already has good job, which pays very good. He drinks alcohol just to alleviate his anger, which causes you to walk on eggshells. However, I would like to suggest that you should remain calm, and try to maintain a healthy, normal atmosphere in the home. There is nothing you can fix for him because the actual problem is finance. He spends all his money on alcohol, and wants you to earn more so that you could pay the bills. A person that uses alcohol to alleviate their problems tends to have their problems increase rather than decrease. Some people can stop drinking on their own, while others need medical supervision in order to withdraw from alcohol safely, and comfortably. Therefore, I strongly recommend you to take your spouse to an Alcohol Anonymous Center, and get their meeting information so that you can make appointment for help. You can take him to the therapist to get proper medications because it is strongly associated with medical medications.
Everyone gets angry on minor things. But when it gets out of control, and turns destructive, it can lead to problems at work, in our personal relationships, and in the overall quality of our life. If your boyfriend is experiencing overwhelming rage it could be damaging his mental and physical health. It can also be indicative of underlying problems, such as anger management issues, or mental disorder, like his PTSD. It's important to control your emotions, and try to calm yourself down for your own sake, rather than confronting your boyfriend verbally because anger destroys everything. It does not care about who are you especially when we are in long-term relationship. According to the American Psychological Association, if anyone’s anger has progressed to the point that it is interfering with day-to-day life or the ability to maintain positive relationships, then he or she should start anger treatment management program. Anger management programs have been proven effective and beneficial for people who have serious anger problem like your boyfriend has. They can assess the root of your problem, and whether or not you require therapy, medication, or the combination of both.
Quitting your job is a bad idea, especially if you cannot pay the bills. Your boyfriend needs to get his act together, unless he is a functioning angry alcoholic. If your boyfriend is a functional alcoholic, not missing work and behaving well, it should not be a problem. The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem. If he cannot do that, then there is no helping him. I do advise counseling, and find out what the root of all this anger and drinking really is. Talk to your boyfriend about putting down the bottle and gather the courage to confront him with others. An intervention is nothing new, but could place a dent in this issue. Hopefully your finances are together because if your boyfriend does want to quit his job, you may be in trouble. Because according to Benjamin Franklin, two things in life are guaranteed, death and taxes.
Post traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, anger and finances are problems that can ruin relationship with your boyfriend. By working together through counseling, and communicating, your relationship can improve. The main thing you should know is if your significant other does not want help, then there is little room for improvement. As the saying goes, you can bring horse to the water, but it does not mean the horse will drink the water. Keep a positive, and hopefully our advice helps.
Sincerely,
Advice301
Here are some sources for Anger and Alcoholism that provide helpful information:
Howard Kassinove, PhD, ABPP (1983). Studies on anger and aggression: Institute for the Study and Treatment of Anger and Aggression. American Psychologist Association, Hofstra University, 38 (11), 1145-1160.
A.A. World Services, Inc., Box 459, Grand Central Station, New York, NY 10163. Tel. (212) 870-3400 www.aa.org
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I am married to an active alcoholic who has PTSD from a terrible childhood. When he hears our neighbors fight he's hysterical with stress as it brings up bad childhood memories.
I've done the "walking on eggshells" thing. it sucks.
Sadly there is nothing YOU can to to fix him. HE has to want to be fixed. He has to want to see a therapist and get proper meds and work on his issues.
IF he won't work on it then it will not get better.
quitting a job when you don't have one to go to is not a good thing. I hope he does not try to get fired. His wanting you to make more money so he an stay home (which is what I bet would happen) is not reasonable. He's not your spouse and even if he was... it's not acceptable.
if he is a vet he has VA services and he needs to seek help for his PTSD. therapy and medication.
self-medicating with alcohol or other drugs is not a good thing at all.
and with a temper.. and alcohol.. honey one day you may end up in the hospital. I speak from experience.
IF you won't leave... then get a safety plan in place. Several of them.
when my husband would start getting abusive when drunk (not every time) I would just go stay with friends who know what's going on. I would leave him at home to sleep it off and fend for himself.
I'm married and I made a commitment to stay. I strongly urge you to tell him 'you have x weeks to get into therapy and treatment for you PTSD, your abusive nature and your alcohol abuse. IF you do not get help then I am going to have to leave"
but do not threaten this unless you mean it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 July 2014):
 Honestly, there is NOTHING you can do other then leave.
PTDS doesn't go away on it's own. Medication don't help either it just dulls the mind.
If he isn't ACTIVELY in some kind of therapy through the VA he will only get worse. Trust me on that one, I live with a Veteran of 26 years with various medical issues and among that.. PTSD from 3 long term deployments.
If he left the Army due to medical issues and was DIAGNOSED with PTSD treatment is free. If he wasn't diagnosed he NEED to talk to a doctor. My guess is though, that he won't admit to PTSD.
All the anger isn't about you. HE is making YOU his punching bag (at least verbally for now, but that CAN change).
I think you need to consider that if he DOESN'T get help, that you NEED to get away. YOU can not fix this for him. Love is not a cure for PTSD.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): Is he seeing a therapist? Did he report back to the prescriber of his meds and say that they had awful side-effects and ask to try something different?
He may have PTSD but you will probably not be able to do very much to help him yourself if he doesn't want help. He has to want to help himself and either stick with meds or a therapy programme.
I actually think you have a mean, selfish and abusive partner and that you should leave him.
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