New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login236081 questions, 1035910 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Best friend or girlfriend?

Tagged as: Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, *quarius_9 writes:

So I've known my best friend since sixth grade,she moved to our hometown during the summer before sixth grade and every since then we've been inseparable. We've been there for each other during everything birth of her first born the birth of mine,the death of my mother the death of her boyfriend and father of her child. We were super close, then we had a falling out when we were twenty two and stopped talking to each other. Then years went by we finally found each other again and she changed significantly. She was no longer the girly-girl she was more like michelle Rodriguez (thats who she's always reminded me of) she was more relaxed and tomboyish, me personally I've always teeter totter on the fence between girls and boys but her making this change caught me off gaurd lol but anyway when we reconnected it wasn't so much as old friends but more as we had mutual attraction to each other. And eventually my daughter and I went out to PA to visit her. We ended up having sex during my visit. It wasn't awkward and it wasn't weird it was intimate and special. No it wasn't planned my soul purpose for going out there was to see my best friend again. But now I don't know what to make of our relationship. I left a day early because I felt we were getting to comfortable and that was scaring me. She's been calling and I've been avoiding her like the plague. She told me in a text ( because I won't answer her calls) that she wants to see this through, she wants me to be with her but I'm unsure I know what I feel but I don't want to ruin our friendship. Or have us turn into those ex's that hate each other. Her family isn't a problem they love me I love them same with mine we've been in each others lives so long it would be an easy transition but I'm scared that it seems too easy. What do I do?

View related questions: best friend, text

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (1 November 2016):

chigirl agony auntTry to ask yourself, when you get these negative thoughts: is this reasonable, or is this irrational? Decide on what you think is most correct. Write it down if you need to. Write down all potential logic and reasoning your brain has come up with to legitimize the negative thought. And realize that it's a habit. The brain comforts itself by sending out negative thoughts and having them "confirmed" by the negative results, without using logic. If you have negative thoughts, the result WILL ALWAYS be negative. If you think positive thoughts and open yourself for possible hurt, then you will have a much higher chance of receiving positivity in your life.

Yes, opening up and giving trust means it can hurt a lot IF someone cheats on you. But if you are negative and suspicious, it will STILL hurt a lot if you are cheated on. So the hurt will not be any less or any more bearable by the negative thoughts. You only end up destroying things through being negative.

You need to work hard on this, this is something you CAN change, if you WANT to change it. You need to work on your thoughts every day and never let yourself wallow in the negative thoughts. They might feel comforting, but do something else that comforts you instead: make cocoa, do dishes, go for a walk, watch a nice movie etc. Replace the negative thoughts with positive things, both in action and in thought.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (1 November 2016):

chigirl agony auntTry to ask yourself, when you get these negative thoughts: is this reasonable, or is this irrational? Decide on what you think is most correct. Write it down if you need to. Write down all potential logic and reasoning your brain has come up with to legitimize the negative thought. And realize that it's a habit. The brain comforts itself by sending out negative thoughts and having them "confirmed" by the negative results, without using logic. If you have negative thoughts, the result WILL ALWAYS be negative. If you think positive thoughts and open yourself for possible hurt, then you will have a much higher chance of receiving positivity in your life.

Yes, opening up and giving trust means it can hurt a lot IF someone cheats on you. But if you are negative and suspicious, it will STILL hurt a lot if you are cheated on. So the hurt will not be any less or any more bearable by the negative thoughts. You only end up destroying things through being negative.

You need to work hard on this, this is something you CAN change, if you WANT to change it. You need to work on your thoughts every day and never let yourself wallow in the negative thoughts. They might feel comforting, but do something else that comforts you instead: make cocoa, do dishes, go for a walk, watch a nice movie etc. Replace the negative thoughts with positive things, both in action and in thought.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (28 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntJust deal with it if/when it comes. When you feel it, sit yourself down and talk yourself out of it. "I have no proof". "Im insecure". "It makes sense they won't always be able to reply instantly".

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aquarius_9 United States +, writes (27 October 2016):

Aquarius_9 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi everyone thank you so much for all your advice. I decided to take a chance and so far its been going well. Right now it's a long distance relationship, and that's scary to me because I already know I sabotage things by assuming that if the person I'm dating doesn't answer when I call oh God they're cheating! Lol but I need to work on that I haven't been like that with her yet but but I know it's gonna happen eventually because it always does. My insecurities come out full force in relationships. How do I fix that?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2016):

chigirl agony aunt.... Ruin the friendship? Girl, I hate to break it to you, but the moment you began to feel anything other than a platonic friendship for her, and she for you, the friendship was gone. There is no friendship here to "save". You have the choice right now between a girlfriend who is your best friend in one, or be alone.

Doesn't sound like such a tough choice if you ask me. I think you're just scared because the stakes are high. You know you will develop strong emotions, and with emotions comes risks. You are wondering whether to stay away from her in order to protect your heart, not protect the friendship.

My advice to you is to give her your heart on a platter, and risk it getting stomped on. If she loves you, she will treat your heart with respect and love. And the prize in this case is worth the risk. What other chance in life do you think you will have at getting love and deep friendship combined?

Go for it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds like the perfect story, your friendship will never be the same now that you had sex, plus you had not been in contact for years so this is a new chapter, something to be excited about. If you are not sure you want to be with her then take it slow and tell her that. But other than that be happy.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (27 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony aunt“What do I do?” Accept that the friendship isn’t going to the same? Figure out what it is you are running from? Why are you imagining things that might or might not happen in the future? “ have us turn into those ex’s that hate each other”

From what you wrote I’d just relax, enjoy the closeness and see what happens. Keep your children safe and don’t invite chaos, but what the heck is the problem with what is happening?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (27 July 2016):

llifton agony auntI'm confused. You're avoiding her because the relationship seems too easy and perfect and fantastic and your families love the other? And your problem is..?

I'm an openly gay female and have been out of the closet for about 14 years. And it sounds to me like your situation is completely ideal. Why are you avoiding her? You're going to mess this up before it even begins! At least call her back and explain to her everything you just said here. You at least owe her that.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (27 July 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're making it harder for yourself. You're going to put her off completely, if you continue.

Ultimately, having sex changed the friendship forever, so you either see it through or end up with an awkward friendship, if she wants one at all, any more.

Being comfortable is expected after knowing each other so long, but saying will still be new.

Don't self-sabotage.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Best friend or girlfriend?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0468746000042302!