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Beginning to hate this marriage. Is he just trying to control me via money I earn? What should I do?

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 June 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 24 June 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Really could do with some help. I've just passed a course so I can teach English to foreign students. My husband is from Poland and wants me to go and live there with him. Five years ago I gave him a few thousand pounds which I never saw again and it has always been me financing everything. Now he wants me to go to his country, get a job teaching English and buy a car. I don't want to buy a car I have no need for one. But he said we need one to get around.

I feel this is his way of getting me to hand money over again as the car would then be his and he could sell it whenever he wanted and the money would be his.

It's like he wants control of my money all the time and it's annoying me now. I believe if he so wants and needs a car then he has family I know full well who would lend him the money to buy one and he can pay it back to them if he gets a job but it seems like he would prefer to get it free from me then get a job and keep his money as well.

I'm beginning to hate this marriage.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAre you living together now?

Quite frankly, whilst I agree that money in a marriage becomes "ours", not "mine" and "theirs", he's freeloading with no need for a job because you pay for everything. You're being used. What does this marriage actually give you? How long have you been together?

Forget his family lending him the money, he's old enough to go out and earn it!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (24 June 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIn some places all money and assets are automatically shared 50/50 within a marriage, however, in the real world that is not always the case, especially when one partner in the marriage is doing all the earning and the other all the spending.

If your husband is not employed, and if he has been given money with the expectation it would be repaid back, but hasn't been, then the smart thing to do would be to not hand over any more.

Tell your husband you will not see him go hungry or homeless, but if he wants a car he can get a job and buy one.

Maybe its time to lay your cards on the table -- sit him down at the kitchen table and make sure he is listening, that means his eyes are looking at YOU and then tell him "Pete, I feel that you are trying to control the money I earn, all the time, and it is starting to annoy me. What do you suggest we do so that I stop feeling like that"?

Then see what he suggests, my gut feeling is that he thinks he is the man of the house and you are his little woman, you are his and what you own and earn are his and he is going to control that, not you.

If my reading of the situation is correct there is probably very little you can do to fix it, so really you need to decide if you want to live like that, or leave.

Good luck whichever way you chose.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (24 June 2016):

Just a note of clarification - when you are married - its not "your" money or "his" money. ALL money is jointly held.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016):

Stay there teach English where you are at.Keep all of your money for you.Once you dump this loser you will be amazed at how much money you have.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (24 June 2016):

eddie85 agony auntMoving is a pretty big change... especially from where you are at to Poland.

I don't think money is at the crux of your issue. It is the feeling that you don't have a choice that is making you angry and resentful. You don't feel heard and you feel neglected. And I suspect you feel like your husband takes your charity for granted.

Moving needs to be on board by both parties. What is the motive to moving to Poland? Why not somewhere else?

This would / could be a deal breaker for you. I hate to say it, but if you give in to this and hate it there, you will feel even worse. And ultimately that'll be the final toll.

One compromise you could do, if you are think there is a chance that Poland could be ideal, is to travel there for a week or two to see if it appeals to you at all. Also consider what you'll be giving up (friends / family) and what you might gain (cheaper cost of living)

Finally, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist. Either for yourself or as a couple. You need tools to better communicate and I think you've been sacrificing your wants and needs without voicing your concerns to keep the peace. My guess is that your dreams and ambitions are forgotten or shelved. Having someone to listen and guide you, can make this situation less daunting and get you back on track.

Doing nothing will only keep this feeling going until you can "stuff" it down again. So I do hope you take some sort of action.

Eddie

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2016):

DarrellG agony auntA question id have to ask here is whether this is the only manifestation of controlling behaviour?

The bottom line is this - a partnership should be a just that a partnership of equals. You need to talk about this to him and you need to set boundaries and be firm with them and stick with them because he will try to get them amended and probably be quite manipulative about it.

However, you have to do this for the good of the relationship if indeed you want it to survive because your already beginning to "hate" it and that resentment will only build and bubble over if you do not nip in the bud. Be firm but fair and see how it goes because you cannot allow this to continue - its bad for you, its bad for him, its bad for the relationship in general.

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