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Before we were married, my wife had sex with my friend. It feels weird to all of us but her!

Tagged as: Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2005) 26 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2011)
A male , *hicagojoe writes:

When we were younger and single, my wife and I had a very on and off relationship. During one of the "off" times, she had sex twice with my best friend.

Time has passed and my friend and I have both gotten married but since that time, our friendship has never been the same and his wife feels weird around my wife.

I must confess that I also have very strong feelings of resentment toward my wife; it's embarassing that she slept with a friend and I regret the fact that my friendship has slowly eroded with the guy she slept.

Are his wife and I being overly sensitive, or is this a fairly serious problem that I should have given much more thought to before getting married. My wife, of course, thinks nothing of it and thinks it is blown out of proportion. Your thoughts?...

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A male reader, cut-up-kev United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2011):

I really thought that I was the only one in this sort of situation...

I worked in the same place as my girlfriend of 18 months. we were perfect, never argued, the best sex, always smiling, one argument? two? thats it. pure awesome. before i met her, i was finishing my degree at uni and was set to move to oz after to get my visa for permanent residency, she always knew i was leaving. I spoke to her and said "Hey, maybe we should just end it now - it will be easier than when i am on the other side of the world? Keep it decent and respectable?" Each time i asked this question, i was greeted by floods of tears and her telling me we would be together. Forever. Always...

So we tried it. within two months of me being over there missing her every day and regretting my decision to move out there (at the same time feeling that i have one life and in the long term, my dream was for my baby girl to move out with me so if we could just see it through...) - she met someone else. Lied about it and said she just needed to be single for a while. Found out the day after she told me that, she was in a relationship with this enw guy who was writing on her fbook and the usual stuff.

i was besides myself. not only had she lied about meeting someone - grantd to save me from pain - but the relationship where i had thought she would be mine forever, was over...

i drunk myself into oblivion most days and couldnt even contemplate meeting someone new and again quesitoned how she had moved on so easily. I guess she felt abandoned, she was younger than me... Anyway, i couldnt pick myself up for around a month, i managed to get to the other side of oz with two friends i had met many eyars before hand and was still cut up. i got the odd text from the ex but ignored all contact as read somewhere that total "NC" no contact was the way to go.

eventually she rang, i answered, she was crying her eyes out begging for me to come home and forgive. i had just been granted my visa and i said "please, if ur certain i will drive back to adelaide and get a flight home within four days but im currently in perth {2,600km} away, so please be sure... she said she was, i drove the whole weekend and got back on sunday night. exhausted.

i turned on my uk fone which had signal and there were six texts from her telling me she couldnt wait to see me, then asking why i was ignoring her then telling me to stay... i told her i would have no signal or ability ot text so please dont think i was ignoring her... in the end, i drove all that way for nothing. again, heartbreak.

i got the odd text every now and then, two months after i got back into the uk. we saw eachother at work for lifeguard training and although i ddint look at her, it was the first time she knew i was back in the uk. i ignored her for another month then decide to try and make contact. in short, i then discovered she had slept with our boss a couple of times and i was heartbroken all over again...

HIM? we had been friends, we went climbing together, we spoke a fair bit and he has a solide relationship with a girl... then i find out he has nobbed around 3 or 4 of the girls in the leisure centre.

since june last year me and my girl have been trying to get back what we once had, that special special thing that couldnt be touched. but its gone. its all gone. i could forgive her ending us, she was a mess cos i left even though i never hid it, she couldnt handle it. but the friend of mine who has long since moved away?

... i cannot get it out of my head, as an earlier poster wrote -

" -- My chest feels heavy all day and I feel like a loser. Theres something so incredibly cruel about the nature of sex / sexual betrayal, it happened physically, he came inside her, his dick in her mouth, my baby's mouth.. And it can never ever be undone its always there, and its fucking hard to look at her and feel like she’s your baby even though that’s all you wanna feel, all you think about is her getting pounded by your friend. And every kiss you share is where his dick was. -- "

EXACTLY how i feel... she says she regrets it but i just cannot move on from it even though i want to try so badly. we are oover at the momentbut god i miss her so much. she misses me. she cares and loves me too but she agrees its not the same. she has regret but she doesnt carry the thoughts, the hurt inside.

If i had one wish, it would be i never moved to australia, or better, i took her with me but she was finishing education at the time and thats so important... i cant go back. i cant change it. she HAS shagged that mother f&cker twice and that will never ever go away. not ever.

i wish so much i had never met her because the last year of my life plus some, has been the worst of my life. i turned to alcohol and now have an issue with that, im trying to kick it and since two days ago havent touched it but i just want to finish these final few months of uni and move to oz. never look back.

she will always be with me. always. she was and still is the best thing i have ever had in my whole life and if she could feel just one day of what i feel maybe then it might be better? but she cant. not ever. not unless i shagg one of her mates. i wouldnt do that. i couldnt.

there is someone better out there for me. as there is for anyone who has been treated in a similar way, i write that and i dont believe it but i have to try. i cannot be with her because i spend too much time dwelling. its so easy to say get a grip and move on or stop feeling sorry for yourself but this was my true love. it fell apart and now, so have i.

if i can get through today, tomorrow might be better. Hope theres hope. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010):

I feel for you, i also fell in love with my wife 20 years ago i really didnt know her but a friend did tell me she slept with his friend which she denied when we first started dating claiming she was still a virgin hmmm, she was 17 i was 20,life with her was great for the first 6 months and by then i had fallen completly in love with her and was so happy. Then came a shock i found a 16th birthday card with happy birthday --- love +++ and the writing was very childish looking, i asked one of her cousins who new her who this boy was and bang did i get a shock it turned out this boy was 12yr,s old at primary school at the time and she had been having full blown sex with him since she was 15yrs old to 16 1/2 yrs old i was sick to the stomach, it also turned out the the boy packed her in when he was 13 and she was 16 1/2. I knew this was illegal sex with a minor and was told she instigated it all and i really felt like calling the police on her but couldn,t as i love her, she didn,t think there was anything wrong with it, anyway i thought i could get over it 20 years on, but i cant i look at her sometimes and still feel sick knowing she had been with a child, we have lovely children and to be fair if i had no children i would have left long ago.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010):

I have been on both sides of the fence here.

I slept with a good freinds now wife before they got together, never saw it from his point of view as being a painful thing as the way I saw it is she is a lovely person but we just didnt really click on a one to one level, freinds yes. However my freind and her just really worked, theyre great together!

I only realised recently my freind had major problems with this history, as I talked to him about it a couple of months a go as the same thing happened to me with my present girlfreind and it is painful if you view it in the wronge way.

All I can say is if the freind is a twat with you acting like he has one up on you about it he is not a freind. If he holds the same view as I did in the first paragraph then it really needs to be writen off as "Shit happens" and fuck am I lucky I have found someone I get on with so well and that Im completely in love with......and if this is not the case fuck them off and keep looking.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010):

I do not know what it is about women that this type of behavior does not seem to bother them. I had a similar experience. I was courting my wife when she slept with my best friend. I was not aware of the incident when we started dating a week later. If I had been aware I would never have started dating her. My friend dropped a hint that he had screwed my wife. They had been friends for years and I thought it was years ago when they were newly friends that they slept together, not the week prior. I queried my wife girlfriend at the time) repeatedly during the earlier weeks of our dating and she denied the incident. Finally, after begging my friend he told me what happened and when. By then, however, it was too late (or so I thought) I was in love and thought I would get past it. We broke-up several times as a result of this issue but always got back together. Prior to getting married I think she cheated on me with another guy but she denies this as well. We have now been married 25 years and have a 10 year old child we love dearly. But for our child I think I would have left my wife. It has been 25 years of Hell interspersed with periods of being fine. Her sleeping with my best friend and my staying with her despite finding out makes me feel like the ultimate idiot and loser for not having the balls to walk away while I still could. I do, however, have a self-esteem problem and felt like this was my last chance at love. All my few former girlfriends had cheated or misled me in one way or another! My advice to anyone in this or a similar situation is to get the hell out of it while you can no matter how difficult! Move away, whatever it takes. It is not worth destroying your life - which it will! I lost my best friend ever and am left with a woman I cannot trust or really love anymore. Even now I am shaking my head and thinking what a fool and loser I am for staying with this woman. I can no longer express any feelings to her and she notices this. Frankly, it is not fair to either of us that we stuck with this relationship which was fatally flawed from the beginning. Now we have a child and no real options but to stick together. What a life! And yes, I do realize I am feeling sorry for myself but that is how I feel. If I was a confident man it would probably not bother me or I would have walked when I first found out. Again, run screaming the other way if you still can. There are plenty of other women out there. Yes, they are mostly liars, cheaters and whores - but at least, hopefully they did not sleep with your best friend and refuse to feel sorry or guilty about it!

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A male reader, bkeemy United States +, writes (1 April 2010):

You definitely shouldn't have married her. Your wife may say that it's not a big deal but in reality she did it because she was being vindictive and kuniving. She could have slept with a million other men but instead she chose your friend. I'm sorry but theres just certain lines that you don't cross and she crossed it, and the same goes for your friend. So now what, you look like a punk bitch. Your wife won. She has her cake and she's eating it to. So now what, for the rest of your marriage you're gonna have to feel awkward and weird. Your better than me, I couldn't do it. You must not have very high self esteem, because any self respecting man would have been done the both the friend and the wife.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010):

I feel your pain. spent a few years apart form my best friend/ love and in that time discovered she had been sexual on some level with 7 guys - including a close relative of mine.


We ended up dating and continued to even though I found out most of this after we began. it always haunted me and ate away at me terribly.

We have been overall happily married for 5 years and have wonderful children together. We love each other very much, but this old pain still pops up at times (hence how I found this thread) and it never goes away. I dont bring it up anymore. We were not together at the time and as backstabbing as it feels (and I still feel it was), Im not going to let it ruin our love/ family.

I know some of the guys and spend a lot of time around one of them - but this i smy life and my family. I still regret her bad decisions (as most of these were - objectively), but life goes on.

Yet as I said, the pain is still there to some degree (a large one if I dwell on it) and I am a much more jealous person with her than I was before these things.

I love her and we are happily married; life goes on - through the hurt and pain until it is just a lingering sensation that comes to mind once in a while that can be easily long as you dont dwell on it ;)

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A male reader, mahogany United States +, writes (1 January 2010):

i know how u feel, my girlfriend and i have been together for not so long, when we were hooking up i was infatuated with another girl, we slpet together then i told her i couldnt see her because i wasnt in the right place for a relationship, but i kept hooking up with her after. Soon after that she slept with one of my friends a few times and to be honest i didnt really care. Its only after that tho that we hooked up again and i realised my mistake and we started dating. I cant however get it out of my head that they slept together, especially because hes a bit of a creep because iv fallen hard for this girl and i hate the way that he was intimate with her in the same way we are now. she says she hated it and wishes she never did it and she always wanted to be with me and i know that. It not so much that im angry at her, i rejected her she had every right to do what she wanted, i just hate myself for it, everyday i wake up thinking 'if only id not been such an idiot.' I keep wishing i could turn back time and make the right choice but i cant. I know im living in the past and i was always in the wrong and thats what gets me the most! i think in our situation we need to stop putting so much emphasis on sex. Does a one night stand mean the same as making love intimately to your wife? HELL NO the same way that were all of the random pulls when you were out as a kid the same as kissing your wife? the problem is gents we all know whats wrong with us, its just difficult to get a grip and move on like we know we should and we are told we should! you know you love your wife. Focus on the things that made you marry her, the things that make you compatible eg personality etc... the things he never had. I know i should follow my own advice but its hard, but welcome to relationships!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009):

I really sympathize with you mate, and some of the posts here really make me feel sorry for all the guys going through this. I am in a very similar situation. I was very inexperienced sexually and prior to going out with the first girl I ever let in sexually / emotionally, I discover my friend was fucking her casually for 3 weeks (while the three of us were hanging out and I was puruesuing her. (not obviously but still in my mind). We fell in love and I was told about the situation later. I was never given many details and this made me eat away at the situation, i also became obsessed with thinking about them. He was better looking, more dominant, more sexually experienced, muscley e.t.c and well endowed. This opened up some massive insecurities on my part and I've put up with this shit for the past 8 fucking months. When I wake up its the first fucking thought that enters my mind and the last thoguht when I go to sleep, I love her so much, she is the sweetest girl ever and I'm so attracted to her, we've been living together since then and I cannot get over it no matter how much I try.

I have so much resentment towards her for just having him and I'm angry at the fact that I've had to put up with it for so long and that I'm the loser and I'm the one who just has to front up and deal with it. Im angry at her that I love her but I hate her at the same time while she gets to wake up with a clear head and have a pure love for me. I've put her through a lot of emotional shit because of it and its hurt her really badly but there is no way she has felt 10% of the pain that I've felt.

My chest feels heavy all day and I feel like a loser. Theres something so incredibly cruel about the nature of sex / sexual betrayal, it happened physically, he came inside her, his dick in her mouth, my baby's mouth.. And it can never ever be undone its always there, and its fucking hard to look at her and feel like she’s your baby even though that’s all you wanna feel, all you think about is her getting pounded by your friend. And every kiss you share is where his dick was.

There are a few things which I think make a situation like this much worse. 1) If you feel like you were the loser in the whole trade-off between everyone involved. 2) If you have insecurities to deal with ( eg small dick, flabby body , the volvo scenario as described above ) these things make it much worse.

So my heart goes out to everyone who feels this pain up in this thread. I myself am going to leave this relationship, yes I love her and I could spend the rest of my life with her and I really doubt I will ever meet anyone like her but I can’t deal with this shit anymore, I have become consumed with it, totally bitter and the longer I put up with it the more bitter I’m going to become.

If I can give any advice to someone who is in a similar situation but perhaps earlier on, you need to leave the situation, the longer you deal with it the angrier you will become at the pain you have felt and the bitterness you will feel that you cant love her anymore. Some guys seem to be able to deal with it....... I think it’s a combination of feel good factors associated with the ‘winner complex’ don’t try and stick up with it because your only human and you deserve to be excited about loving some and waking up to their sweet face every morning…………….

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009):

Sorry, Dude, you're not wrong to feel wierd in front of your friend who pounded your wife, mother of your kids... I'm in the opposite position, thank goodness, in that while in high school/college, I had sex with several women. Several of my friends ended up marrying these women, and everytime I see these friends/couples -- at kids' sporting events, school meetings, at the supermarket, etc. - I know I have something over those guys, and, best of all, so do they. Women I don't think care as much, though I do sometimes get a wink or a knowing smile that makes my dick twitch:) I hope I don't sound mean; just want to be honest.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

My girlfriend and I were in a similar problem. We lived together for a year, broke up and she started dating a guy I knew. He was a player and I tried to discourage her. All at the same time we were talking about reconciling, then during that time, she slept with him 6 times. It turned out he was cheating on her and they split. He also made sure that everyone we know, including her family knew he'd been with her sexually.

Now we're back together, but it really annoys me that there's nothing to be done about it. No way to take it all back. She says she can't understand why I'm upset. Yet while we were apart, she slept with 3 guys and I didn't because I thought we were going to get back together.

Now she tells me she only wants me but I feel like I got ripped off somehow.

All in all, it's very humiliating to be in this predicament, and makes me resent her even though I still love her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):

It better to forget about it. Talk to friends wife and close the matter.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007):

I am in a similar experience, although there are marked differences. I have been in a relationship with a girl for 1 1/2 years. I love her very much, but there is one thing that keeps weighing on my mind.

She pursued me for close to a year, but because of insecurities I kept my distance (for example, problems with past relationships). Finally, my best friend advised me to bite the bullet and invite her out. When i was reluctant, he invited her out to hang out with the two of us.

Because I did not make an advance on her, both independently saw this as my not being interested in her. Later that night, they secretly began a three week period of sex (three times) and Oval office sex (six times), the latter was performed in my car which I often let my friend borrow.

I was there to comfort her when my friend was insensitive. This made her feelings for me grow and she decided to end her relations with my friend

Next, the two were together and she claims that he forced himself on her.

I didn't know what to believe.

Now that we are together, any chance at resolving what happened is inconcievable: she doesn't want to discuss it because of the last forced incident. I am constantly wondering why she would be romantically involved with my friend in my own car, but seems shy even kissing me in public.

I feel like he had some sort of power over her that I don't possess, like he was able to attract her physically in such a way, I am merely better boyfriend material because i am stable and dependable.

One time, in discussing my friend, she said he is more attractive to girls who just want to "hook up", but girls who want to settle down would be more attracted to me. This is not exactly what i want to hear because, although I am more stable and dependable, i don't like to think of myself as a kind of Volvo; dependable but boring.

Any thoughts on any of this?


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

Oh, for goodness sakes. Why do people get so wound up in the past? You broke up. End of story. She slept with another guy (okay, your friend). My closest and oldest friend is married to my ex-boyfriend. And yes, they were highly interested in each other when we were together. Did they sleep together then? I don't think so. Did they sleep together immediately after we split? YES. And I facilitated them getting together. They seemed right, we didn't. Fifteen years later, I couldn't be happier. Now your case is different, because you married your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. Why don't you just live in the now and realize that she made her choice. You. End of story. Of course you and half the other bloggers on this sight could continue to be bitter and cling to the past or just be confident in yourselves and not wrap up your entire self-identities with sexual acts that are years and even decades past. Call me crazy, but... get a grip.

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A male reader, Watpo United Kingdom +, writes (24 September 2007):

Your wife is ABSOLUTELY correct. You are blowing this all out of proportion. She had sex with this guy WHILE YOU WEREN'T GOING OUT WITH HER, so you have no claim to that part of her life.

Is she a good loyal parter now? If so, get past this and move on with your life. It's only jealousy - and that's someting that needs to be dealt with before it destroys you. Her past sex-life isn't bothering you - it's you jealousy!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007):

Well I do think you couold have something to worry about. I have been in a similiar situation. My bf and I broke up and I hads ex a few times with his best friend. I later married mt ex bf and remained friends with his best friend things were awkward at first then the best friends wife found out what had happened (it happened before they were married). One day my husband called and said his friend was coming over but my husband had to work late at the last minute. Anyway to make a long story short I went to bed with his best friend again. It was in the heat of passion. We had an affair for almost 3 months and then I found out I was pregnant. My husband always uses a condom but he thinks it split. He has no idea that I had sex with his best friend again. I am 95% sure it is not my husbands baby and it is his best friends baby. Anyway if they are left alone this could happen to you. Dont ever let her alone with one of your friends that she has been intimate with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

I agree with most of the posts below. You are a fool. She knew it was wrong and still pursued you, all the while knowing your friend in the most intimate way. Gross! It is just too strange when a friend has sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend. I could never date any guy that had slept with any of my friends.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006):

My wife and I have been together since she was 16 and I was 19. Before we started dating she had one previous boyfriend, who was a friend of mine, but not a close friend. He was her first seious boyfriend and he ended up cheating on her. After they broke up she went through a stage where she was discovering boys I guess and was always fooling around with different guys in my circle of friends. She never had sex with any of them untill one night she was drunk and ended up loosing her virginity to my very best friend. I heard all about it, and knew all the details. 2 months later we started seeing eachother, and we found out we really got along and it was obvious we liked each other. Within 5 years we were married, my best friend, the one she slept with was our best man. She had also given oral to 4 of the guys in my wedding party.

I admit, at first it really was not easy to swallow, and it even depressed me to a certain extent. But the fact is, we love eachother, we are happy, and I am over it, but it did take some time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2006):

What an absolute jerk. As woman, we are the first to cry "foul" every time something happens to us but men are always supposed to suck it up and tough it out. This situation sounds painful, embarassing and long-lasting to me. How do you get over something like this? Becuase it's a friend, you need to know ALL the details regardless of how much it hurts. In fact, getting the graphic situation out in the open will hurt now but deaden the pain quicker over time. One last thought, she did it TWICE. Pretty nasty. Of both of them. Very insensitive, but especially your wife. Honestly, she didn't have any clue that you were the "one"? Just vulgar, mean and nasty to do to someone that you may or may not wind up marrying. Then when you divorce her, it will be all YOUR fault, how could you treat her so bad, etc. I would find someone close and cheat on HER, let's see if she thinks it's so innocent and easy to forgive. Try it and see what her response is.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2006):

It must be horrible to go through what this man is going through. Before I got married, my wife and I were friends and she went out with one of my friends. She lost her virginity to him and then she found out he was married. They broke up and some time later we started going out. We ended up getting married and to make a long story short, I cannot get over the fact that she was with him, as I know details about their sexual encounters and that makes me depressed all the time. We've been married almost nineteen years and it hasn't gotten any easier, I don't think I will ever get over it. I don't think I love her any longer and that makes me resent her ever more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005):

Well now why does it feel weird? Thats the question you need to ask yourself. Because I am guessing that not every one of both of your past sexual partners weirds the other one out.

Make a list of all the things that you are thinking. How long did it go on, who initiated, what were the circumstances, who did what to whom and how did she like it? Did she act differently than with you? Did she ever try to continue it? The make a time line of what was happening when in the "on again off again" period. Make sure you put in a any women you were with and how you felt and were behaving. What lead to the reconciliation and what did she say about it at the time?

Since your obviously arent going to be satisfied with your wife's answers, go to a quiet bar and talk it over with your friend. Put all your cards on the table with him and tell him you just cant get past it. He will probably understand. Have him walk you through all the gory details until you are satisified that you know his side of everything.

Ok, now you can probably judge if her version was accurate. Does her statement that it was "no big deal" seem plausible? If you were worried about him being a much better lover who she would go back to in a minute if circumstances allowed, is that really what they had? If you think it was a calculated plan to get back at you, was that born out? Did you have similar feelings at the time? Has she ever dipped back into these patterns since you have been married?

Please dont have children until you work through this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005):

Sex is not a game and it is not to be taken lightly. I think it's funny that your wife doesn't think it's a big deal... of course not, it didn't happen to her. One thing I would like to point out is that your friend is as big of a jerk as your wife. I disagree with the opinion that just because you were "off" at the time, that makes it okay. What about friendships, relationships and seeing the big picture. I have to say in the end result, I wouldn't have married her. If she was that calloused then, you can bet she only cares about herself now. I know we're only hearing one side of the story but for me sex is off limits with ex's, friends and family - there are plenty of people to get together with, what a couple of losers to do each other and then expect you to be fine with it. Men like him deserve no friends and women like your wife deserve to be alone. Sorry to be so harsh, but in thinking it through and putting myself in your shoes - I just think your friend and your wife are gross, poor examples of friends... you should have left the losers to each other. I'll bet secretly they both feel that they "showed" you. One last thing, they do it again if they get the chance, it's better that the friendship is gone. I wouldn't trust either of them, if they risk your trust once and you were stupid enough to stay in touch with them, the scumbags will do it again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005):

I completly agree with the Irish , she's right you really should of sorted things before you got married but that doesn't matter now,talk to her and tell her she has to be open about the subject if she's over it then you should be able to talk quite openly about it but if there are still feelings there then she needs to come to terms with it and deal with it - with you.You never know she might just feel very embarrassed by the whole thing ot maybe disapointed with the fact she turned to your mate.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005):

"Getting past this" obviously must mean different things to you and her, because if you were truly "past it" her sexual indiscretion wouldn't be rankling you these years, later. Getting past this doesn't just happen with time; you and your wife have to sit, discuss and fully process the experience and the pain it has caused you, decide together on ways to rebuild and renegotiate your own relationship so that it meets both your needs and defuses the threat of future pain.

Remember though, it was a time of her life when you were no longer involved with her. Although she seems nonchalant about all this, you can bet it bothers her, especially because of the fact that it was your best friend. It's likely she has deep regrets about it all. But if you really feel that your wife cannot articulate the seriousness of this reasons, it sounds like there is still something in the nature of your relationship that keeps her from speaking openly and freely 'her' feelings about this to you. You are mired down and stuck in something that happened years ago. You wife may not be eager to reopen the discussion of her past mistake , but the two of you need to process ALL the old hurt quite openly and she needs to grasp the pain it has caused you all these many years. But it is not fair to shift onto her the entire burden of guilt and blame. It's a relationship, and you're in it as much as she is, and you are responsible for diagnosing and fixing its problems as much as she is. You need to show her you have an open mind and an open heart discussing this with her further. This may be a good way for you to attain some awareness that you might not be the most emotionally supportive or in-touch mate and a willingness to fix in yourself the barriers you are putting up to her. And ask yourself-how long do you want to feel remorse, guilt, and shame for something she cannot go back and fix. Talk it out, and then let it all go, Move ahead. As for your best friend and his wife. If this is too unbearable for his may have to consider ending this friendship because everytime you are all together-you will be reminded of this. I wish you all the best of luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005):

Your wife didn't cheat on you. It was while you were apart (and not even married). The fact it was your friend was unfortunate, but we all have sexual histories and you should let go of this. If you don't, you are in danger of losing your wife. Nothing you do will make you and your friend as close as before, because in your mind he also betrayed you, although you seem to be blaming your wife more, simply because she chooses to take a mature attitude with regard to what happened and accept that it happened and can't be undone.

Put it behind you and move on or your wife will. Perhaps you also now need to decide whats more important to you. Might it be easier all round if you broke the ties with your freind and his wife on the basis that two relationships might be damaged.

Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005):

I think it's rude when someone has sex with a current OR an ex's friends. There's 3.1 billion people in the world, give me a break - you have to get it on with someone you both know? Maybe enough time has passed where you and your buddy's wife should get over it but I would question your wife's sincerity if she thinks it's not a big deal. It is a big deal and face it, the instant it happened "on" or "off" - the friendship is over and I'm pretty certain your future wife (at the time) knew that. Your friend will never respect you or your wife, and certainly has to put the blame on the two of you in front of his wife. Your wife was wrong to do it and wrong for telling you to get over it. SHE should have NEVER done it (and certainly not TWICE) and deserves any anomosity you and your friend's wife feel towards her. One last note, when the four of you are together I wouldn't leave the two of them (your wife and "ex" friend) alone very often... trust me on this.

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A female reader, sexseahot United States +, writes (31 October 2005):

sexseahot agony auntChicagojoe,

It's sad to hear what happened. I don't understand how anyone can have sex with they're partners best-friend, ex partner whatever. Well, how can your best-friend do that to you? That's another question. It's not getting blown out of porportion if that's how you feel about it. They both disrepected someone close to them, which is very wrong. Not once, but twice this happened.

I personally think you should've given this more thought before getting married. If this bothers you that much especially. It's really sad that your wife thinks nothing of if. She should take into consideration your feelings about the situation.

It's also sad that your friendship eroded from this incident too, but who would want to stay friends with someone such as that? I know I wouldn't. This is a big deal if you think about it.

If you love your wife though and she's worth it, forget the past and try to just move on into the future. As long as nothing like this happens ever again, you should beable to get over it in time. It will take awhile, but I'm sure it will happen. Just let her be in your shoes for a moment and how would she feel if you slept with her best friend? Probably not great hopefully, let her know where you're coming from and let her know your feelings on this. It's not alright, and never will be alright for someone to do that to someone else.

If you really can't deal with this overtime, you might have to leave her and go a different way. No one needs to live a life like that or put up with people like that, sometimes it just don't happen and it's rough.

Good Luck! I hope things get better for you.:)

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