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chicagojoe
writes: When we were younger and single, my wife and I had a very on and off relationship. During one of the "off" times, she had sex twice with my best friend.Time has passed and my friend and I have both gotten married but since that time, our friendship has never been the same and his wife feels weird around my wife.I must confess that I also have very strong feelings of resentment toward my wife; it's embarassing that she slept with a friend and I regret the fact that my friendship has slowly eroded with the guy she slept.Are his wife and I being overly sensitive, or is this a fairly serious problem that I should have given much more thought to before getting married. My wife, of course, thinks nothing of it and thinks it is blown out of proportion. Your thoughts?...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): My girlfriend and I were in a similar problem. We lived together for a year, broke up and she started dating a guy I knew. He was a player and I tried to discourage her. All at the same time we were talking about reconciling, then during that time, she slept with him 6 times. It turned out he was cheating on her and they split. He also made sure that everyone we know, including her family knew he'd been with her sexually.
Now we're back together, but it really annoys me that there's nothing to be done about it. No way to take it all back. She says she can't understand why I'm upset. Yet while we were apart, she slept with 3 guys and I didn't because I thought we were going to get back together.
Now she tells me she only wants me but I feel like I got ripped off somehow.
All in all, it's very humiliating to be in this predicament, and makes me resent her even though I still love her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): It better to forget about it. Talk to friends wife and close the matter.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): I am in a similar experience, although there are marked differences. I have been in a relationship with a girl for 1 1/2 years. I love her very much, but there is one thing that keeps weighing on my mind.
She pursued me for close to a year, but because of insecurities I kept my distance (for example, problems with past relationships). Finally, my best friend advised me to bite the bullet and invite her out. When i was reluctant, he invited her out to hang out with the two of us.
Because I did not make an advance on her, both independently saw this as my not being interested in her. Later that night, they secretly began a three week period of sex (three times) and Oval office sex (six times), the latter was performed in my car which I often let my friend borrow.
I was there to comfort her when my friend was insensitive. This made her feelings for me grow and she decided to end her relations with my friend
Next, the two were together and she claims that he forced himself on her.
I didn't know what to believe.
Now that we are together, any chance at resolving what happened is inconcievable: she doesn't want to discuss it because of the last forced incident. I am constantly wondering why she would be romantically involved with my friend in my own car, but seems shy even kissing me in public.
I feel like he had some sort of power over her that I don't possess, like he was able to attract her physically in such a way, I am merely better boyfriend material because i am stable and dependable.
One time, in discussing my friend, she said he is more attractive to girls who just want to "hook up", but girls who want to settle down would be more attracted to me. This is not exactly what i want to hear because, although I am more stable and dependable, i don't like to think of myself as a kind of Volvo; dependable but boring.
Any thoughts on any of this?
Jack
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Oh, for goodness sakes. Why do people get so wound up in the past? You broke up. End of story. She slept with another guy (okay, your friend). My closest and oldest friend is married to my ex-boyfriend. And yes, they were highly interested in each other when we were together. Did they sleep together then? I don't think so. Did they sleep together immediately after we split? YES. And I facilitated them getting together. They seemed right, we didn't. Fifteen years later, I couldn't be happier. Now your case is different, because you married your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. Why don't you just live in the now and realize that she made her choice. You. End of story. Of course you and half the other bloggers on this sight could continue to be bitter and cling to the past or just be confident in yourselves and not wrap up your entire self-identities with sexual acts that are years and even decades past. Call me crazy, but... get a grip.
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reader, Watpo  +, writes (24 September 2007):
Your wife is ABSOLUTELY correct. You are blowing this all out of proportion. She had sex with this guy WHILE YOU WEREN'T GOING OUT WITH HER, so you have no claim to that part of her life.
Is she a good loyal parter now? If so, get past this and move on with your life. It's only jealousy - and that's someting that needs to be dealt with before it destroys you. Her past sex-life isn't bothering you - it's you jealousy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Well I do think you couold have something to worry about. I have been in a similiar situation. My bf and I broke up and I hads ex a few times with his best friend. I later married mt ex bf and remained friends with his best friend things were awkward at first then the best friends wife found out what had happened (it happened before they were married). One day my husband called and said his friend was coming over but my husband had to work late at the last minute. Anyway to make a long story short I went to bed with his best friend again. It was in the heat of passion. We had an affair for almost 3 months and then I found out I was pregnant. My husband always uses a condom but he thinks it split. He has no idea that I had sex with his best friend again. I am 95% sure it is not my husbands baby and it is his best friends baby. Anyway if they are left alone this could happen to you. Dont ever let her alone with one of your friends that she has been intimate with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): I agree with most of the posts below. You are a fool. She knew it was wrong and still pursued you, all the while knowing your friend in the most intimate way. Gross! It is just too strange when a friend has sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend. I could never date any guy that had slept with any of my friends.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): My wife and I have been together since she was 16 and I was 19. Before we started dating she had one previous boyfriend, who was a friend of mine, but not a close friend. He was her first seious boyfriend and he ended up cheating on her. After they broke up she went through a stage where she was discovering boys I guess and was always fooling around with different guys in my circle of friends. She never had sex with any of them untill one night she was drunk and ended up loosing her virginity to my very best friend. I heard all about it, and knew all the details. 2 months later we started seeing eachother, and we found out we really got along and it was obvious we liked each other. Within 5 years we were married, my best friend, the one she slept with was our best man. She had also given oral to 4 of the guys in my wedding party. I admit, at first it really was not easy to swallow, and it even depressed me to a certain extent. But the fact is, we love eachother, we are happy, and I am over it, but it did take some time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2006): What an absolute jerk. As woman, we are the first to cry "foul" every time something happens to us but men are always supposed to suck it up and tough it out. This situation sounds painful, embarassing and long-lasting to me. How do you get over something like this? Becuase it's a friend, you need to know ALL the details regardless of how much it hurts. In fact, getting the graphic situation out in the open will hurt now but deaden the pain quicker over time. One last thought, she did it TWICE. Pretty nasty. Of both of them. Very insensitive, but especially your wife. Honestly, she didn't have any clue that you were the "one"? Just vulgar, mean and nasty to do to someone that you may or may not wind up marrying. Then when you divorce her, it will be all YOUR fault, how could you treat her so bad, etc. I would find someone close and cheat on HER, let's see if she thinks it's so innocent and easy to forgive. Try it and see what her response is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2006): It must be horrible to go through what this man is going through. Before I got married, my wife and I were friends and she went out with one of my friends. She lost her virginity to him and then she found out he was married. They broke up and some time later we started going out. We ended up getting married and to make a long story short, I cannot get over the fact that she was with him, as I know details about their sexual encounters and that makes me depressed all the time. We've been married almost nineteen years and it hasn't gotten any easier, I don't think I will ever get over it. I don't think I love her any longer and that makes me resent her ever more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005):
Well now why does it feel weird? Thats the question you need to ask yourself. Because I am guessing that not every one of both of your past sexual partners weirds the other one out.
Make a list of all the things that you are thinking. How long did it go on, who initiated, what were the circumstances, who did what to whom and how did she like it? Did she act differently than with you? Did she ever try to continue it? The make a time line of what was happening when in the "on again off again" period. Make sure you put in a any women you were with and how you felt and were behaving. What lead to the reconciliation and what did she say about it at the time?
Since your obviously arent going to be satisfied with your wife's answers, go to a quiet bar and talk it over with your friend. Put all your cards on the table with him and tell him you just cant get past it. He will probably understand. Have him walk you through all the gory details until you are satisified that you know his side of everything.
Ok, now you can probably judge if her version was accurate. Does her statement that it was "no big deal" seem plausible? If you were worried about him being a much better lover who she would go back to in a minute if circumstances allowed, is that really what they had? If you think it was a calculated plan to get back at you, was that born out? Did you have similar feelings at the time? Has she ever dipped back into these patterns since you have been married?
Please dont have children until you work through this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): Sex is not a game and it is not to be taken lightly. I think it's funny that your wife doesn't think it's a big deal... of course not, it didn't happen to her. One thing I would like to point out is that your friend is as big of a jerk as your wife. I disagree with the opinion that just because you were "off" at the time, that makes it okay. What about friendships, relationships and seeing the big picture. I have to say in the end result, I wouldn't have married her. If she was that calloused then, you can bet she only cares about herself now. I know we're only hearing one side of the story but for me sex is off limits with ex's, friends and family - there are plenty of people to get together with, what a couple of losers to do each other and then expect you to be fine with it. Men like him deserve no friends and women like your wife deserve to be alone. Sorry to be so harsh, but in thinking it through and putting myself in your shoes - I just think your friend and your wife are gross, poor examples of friends... you should have left the losers to each other. I'll bet secretly they both feel that they "showed" you. One last thing, they do it again if they get the chance, it's better that the friendship is gone. I wouldn't trust either of them, if they risk your trust once and you were stupid enough to stay in touch with them, the scumbags will do it again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005): I completly agree with the Irish , she's right you really should of sorted things before you got married but that doesn't matter now,talk to her and tell her she has to be open about the subject if she's over it then you should be able to talk quite openly about it but if there are still feelings there then she needs to come to terms with it and deal with it - with you.You never know she might just feel very embarrassed by the whole thing ot maybe disapointed with the fact she turned to your mate.
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reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (1 November 2005):
 "Getting past this" obviously must mean different things to you and her, because if you were truly "past it" her sexual indiscretion wouldn't be rankling you these years, later. Getting past this doesn't just happen with time; you and your wife have to sit, discuss and fully process the experience and the pain it has caused you, decide together on ways to rebuild and renegotiate your own relationship so that it meets both your needs and defuses the threat of future pain.
Remember though, it was a time of her life when you were no longer involved with her. Although she seems nonchalant about all this, you can bet it bothers her, especially because of the fact that it was your best friend. It's likely she has deep regrets about it all. But if you really feel that your wife cannot articulate the seriousness of this reasons, it sounds like there is still something in the nature of your relationship that keeps her from speaking openly and freely 'her' feelings about this to you. You are mired down and stuck in something that happened years ago. You wife may not be eager to reopen the discussion of her past mistake , but the two of you need to process ALL the old hurt quite openly and she needs to grasp the pain it has caused you all these many years. But it is not fair to shift onto her the entire burden of guilt and blame. It's a relationship, and you're in it as much as she is, and you are responsible for diagnosing and fixing its problems as much as she is. You need to show her you have an open mind and an open heart discussing this with her further. This may be a good way for you to attain some awareness that you might not be the most emotionally supportive or in-touch mate and a willingness to fix in yourself the barriers you are putting up to her. And ask yourself-how long do you want to feel remorse, guilt, and shame for something she cannot go back and fix. Talk it out, and then let it all go, Move ahead. As for your best friend and his wife. If this is too unbearable for his wife...you may have to consider ending this friendship because everytime you are all together-you will be reminded of this. I wish you all the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): Your wife didn't cheat on you. It was while you were apart (and not even married). The fact it was your friend was unfortunate, but we all have sexual histories and you should let go of this. If you don't, you are in danger of losing your wife. Nothing you do will make you and your friend as close as before, because in your mind he also betrayed you, although you seem to be blaming your wife more, simply because she chooses to take a mature attitude with regard to what happened and accept that it happened and can't be undone.
Put it behind you and move on or your wife will. Perhaps you also now need to decide whats more important to you. Might it be easier all round if you broke the ties with your freind and his wife on the basis that two relationships might be damaged.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): I think it's rude when someone has sex with a current OR an ex's friends. There's 3.1 billion people in the world, give me a break - you have to get it on with someone you both know? Maybe enough time has passed where you and your buddy's wife should get over it but I would question your wife's sincerity if she thinks it's not a big deal. It is a big deal and face it, the instant it happened "on" or "off" - the friendship is over and I'm pretty certain your future wife (at the time) knew that. Your friend will never respect you or your wife, and certainly has to put the blame on the two of you in front of his wife. Your wife was wrong to do it and wrong for telling you to get over it. SHE should have NEVER done it (and certainly not TWICE) and deserves any anomosity you and your friend's wife feel towards her. One last note, when the four of you are together I wouldn't leave the two of them (your wife and "ex" friend) alone very often... trust me on this.
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reader, sexseahot  +, writes (31 October 2005):
 Chicagojoe,
It's sad to hear what happened. I don't understand how anyone can have sex with they're partners best-friend, ex partner whatever. Well, how can your best-friend do that to you? That's another question. It's not getting blown out of porportion if that's how you feel about it. They both disrepected someone close to them, which is very wrong. Not once, but twice this happened.
I personally think you should've given this more thought before getting married. If this bothers you that much especially. It's really sad that your wife thinks nothing of if. She should take into consideration your feelings about the situation.
It's also sad that your friendship eroded from this incident too, but who would want to stay friends with someone such as that? I know I wouldn't. This is a big deal if you think about it.
If you love your wife though and she's worth it, forget the past and try to just move on into the future. As long as nothing like this happens ever again, you should beable to get over it in time. It will take awhile, but I'm sure it will happen. Just let her be in your shoes for a moment and how would she feel if you slept with her best friend? Probably not great hopefully, let her know where you're coming from and let her know your feelings on this. It's not alright, and never will be alright for someone to do that to someone else.
If you really can't deal with this overtime, you might have to leave her and go a different way. No one needs to live a life like that or put up with people like that, sometimes it just don't happen and it's rough.
Good Luck! I hope things get better for you.:)
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