A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have an ex wife who was continuously unfaithful to me and was abusive, she divorced me about 10 years ago. I have been much happier since our divorce. We have a daughter together who is now 17. She moved in with me about a year ago after confiding in me that her mother was emotionally abusing her and that she was tired of hearing her mother and boyfriend fight everyday.I of course love my daughter and was glad to have her live with me. Even though this was happening my daughter and her mother stayed in contact and tried to have a relationship. Well my ex wife's boyfriend died in a car accident about a month ago and she had come over my house to tell my daughter. I told her I'm sorry for her loss and if she needed anything to ask. I really only stay on good terms with my ex wife for the sake of my daughter.I was completely caught off guard when my ex wife asked if she can move into my home with me and my daughter. To put it nice, my ex wife cannot support herself alone as her ex boyfriend completely supported her and when we were married I fully supported her. She does not have a job which is telling me she expects me and my daughter to help pay her way. I told her her and I are divorced and that I try to stay on good terms with her for our daughters sake and that our marriage did not work out and I don't think her living with us is a good idea. She told me to think it over because she wants to be close to her daughter and she has nowhere else to go. Like I stated earlier my ex can be very emotionally abusive, now whether or not she's changed I don't know. I think the real reason she wants to be here is not because of her daughter but because she wants to be taken care of by us. I have no problem taking care of my daughter and having her live with me, my daughter is great to have around, but not my ex wife. Don't you guys think this situation is very weird? I mean of course I feel bad that she lost her ex and now doesn't know where to go or what to do, but I can't fully support my ex wife and have her live with me. I have no desire to ever get back with her. My daughter also said she would feel weird having her divorced parents live together.
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divorce, emotionally abusive, ex-wife, her ex, moved in, my ex, no desire Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Your ex 's request is absurd and I hope you haven't ever entertained seriously for a sec the possibility of saying yes ?
Of course you feel bad for her- because you are a human being, and she is too. Heck , I feel bad too for the woman and I haven't even seen her in all my life ! It must be hard and scary to find oneself just like that, out of the blue, totally resourceless , and with nowhere to go, being in her 40s and not having any real work experience under her belt to count on.
Then again, there must be thousands of women in her same circumstances , and THEY at least haven't abused you and betrayed you !- but same as you are not bound to change your life for them, so you should not feel obliged to do it for an ex wife.
I doubt that her main motivation would be to stay closer to her daughter, in fact it must be just because she is broke . But even if your daughter was the motivation, it's not a good one. Let's not forget that your daughter chose voluntarily to leave her mother's house to come and live with you, and that if they can have now some sort of decent , not too conflictual relationship, that's also precisely because your daughter chose to keep a safe distance from mom. Let's also not forget that your daughter is not a little child, she is nearly 18- who tells you that may be next year or so she won't decide to fly the coop and go live with friends or with a bf . What would you do then, would you be left there holding the sack ? ( being stuck with your ex to support and live with ).
I think , if you want to do something for her out of human compassion, as another poster suggests you could "lend " her some money, according to your means, to help her sort herself out and get a new start in life .
I put " lend " between inverted commas , because obviously you know, right ?, that 99% you are never going to see that money back. So it is actually a gift. But, it would be dangerous to call it a gift- I think she would take it as a permission, or encouragement, to just come back for more once she has seen the amount through. Which I suppose you'd rather avoid, whether you can afford it or not.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Here is another vote for "oh hell NO"
you sound like you have this under control and can say no and just needed us to confirm that it was an appropriate choice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): I think you said it yourself. Your ex wife wants someone to 'support' her. She is a user & in need of someone to lean on.
I understand you are thinking of your daughter - but she hasn't even been good to your daughter either.
Your ex needs to learn to support herself rather than leaning on you or any other man who comes along. I would say something like "Yes you can stay here - as soon as you find a job for yourself but not before!" That will either make her back off or if she's really serious she will try finding a job.
Unfortunately people like this tend to leech off people though. My ex was always after money & not interested in me.
I would just try to avoid her or change the subject. She is abusive & only thinking of her own needs.
Best of luck here!! x
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Hi,
I would encourage you strongly, to say a big 'NO'!
No matter what your ex wife tells you and no matter what line she comes up with.
You sound like a really caring guy, with a good heart, however, you both ended your marriage for there were problems and although time has passed, these problems may re-surface.
There is no guarantee that they won't.
Also, you both ended it ten years ago, that's a long time ago and you have moved on with your life, you are at peace, you are happy and you don't want to go back there again.
You've dealt with your divorce and you've regained a new and healthy independance and a long time ago.
You don't want to re-introduce negative, toxic energy into your personal space and you want to keep the so called, 'baggage' as far away from you as possible.
Your ex-wife must learn to stand on her own two feet.
She must seek employment asap, because if she doesn't, then she is doomed.
You are not her carer, nor her husband anymore.
I mean, what if you lived in Iceland hypothetically?!
She wouldn't have you nearby then anyway, so she'd have to fend for herself.
I am unsure as to whether she'd be eligible for financial support, whilst job hunting.
Here, we have Centrelink and those who are unemployed, can obtain various forms of financial assistance, pertaining to their individual circumstances.
I was under the assumption, that in the US, there is temporary financial support, for those who are unemployed and actively seeking work, for up to six months?!
Is that correct?
If not, i would like to know, or i will google it.
Either way, your ex-wife must do something for herself and quick smart!
YOU are not 'RESPONSIBLE' for HER and the fact that 10 years have passed and she is still unemployed makes me wonder what is going on with her.
Is she unable to work, due to a permanent injury/disability and/or illness?
Sorry to ask, but i am just wondering.
Your daughter is your daughter, so that is absolutely fine and expected of you and your ex-wife, to be totally accepting and accomodating of her, considering that your relationship with her is good.
Your daughter thinks it would be 'weird' having her Mum living with her Dad, so that alone, should tell you everything.
Get on with your life and do not allow the past, to destroy your future.
Encourage your ex-wife, if you must, to get on with her life and to seek help for herself.
I would even be a wee bit hesitant, to start helping her out, regardless of how little it is, because any initial assistance/help, may well turn out to become much bigger and more serious.
All the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Just to chime in, not just no, but *hell* no. You got your life back 10 years ago. Don't let it slip away now because you feel guilty. You know in your heart what will happen -- go with your heart.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 September 2015):
 NO, not even the spare room, no, no, no.
Can you afford to perhaps lend her (gift probably, as she doesn't sound like a person who will repay) some money for housing bond or a few months rent?
I think you will be inviting a whole mess of trouble into your home if you let her in the door.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Do *NOT* let her back into your house. Seriously. Don't do it. She will not leave. She'll make your life a living hell. She will destroy any chance you want to move on in terms of another woman (what woman would ever want to be with a man who lives with his ex and daughter? Three's a crowd and way too much baggage). And - the trauma she's just been through will turn her abuse up to mega-proportions.
AND - she made her bed! She cheated on you over and over again! Why would you even say "if there's anything you need"?! You are a good father, but that doesn't mean you owe your ex anything.
Your ex is TRYING to get you to feel bad for her! If you keep feeling that way, pay a buddy $5 to kick you in the nuts. It'll be the best money you ever spent. You are letting nostalgia give you amnesia. Your daughter, like the other aunts said, is living with you to GET AWAY from her mom. That means she got worse, not better, since she left you.
If you let her back in, do you think you can just kick her out if she reverts back to her old patterns? Think again! She can easily game the legal system into using laws to make you keep her there. She'll bring other men into your house. She'll expect you to take care of her as if you were her husband still.
Do not....I repeat...DO NOT let her back into the house for any reason! I don't care if your ex is homeless! Don't do it! You will hate everything there is about your life if you do. At your age, that could mean actual physical harm to you, the stress level.
She was ABUSIVE to you. ABUSIVE!!!! You don't let abuse near you or your daughter. I would feel differently if she was a good wife and you two just grew apart, or if you were the one who cheated on her, or whatever. But she is toxic. Why do you think you're much happier now?? Your daughter is family. Your ex is NOT family. You do not owe anything to her. She has family. Mother, father, sister, brother, friend, homeless shelter, all of that! She had a boyfriend...he had relatives too she could turn to. The fact that she's turning to you means she's 100 times more toxic than she was even when you were with her.
You refuse simply by refusing. Tell her no. You won't do it. Don't argue with her or let her pressure you. Tell her it will never happen. You love the daughter the two of you had together, but as far as what's between the two of you, your past history makes it absolutely out of the question that you will ever live together, and to not ask again. Again - your EX wife cheating abuser is not your family. If I knew you, I'd take your $5 and shock your pain circuits for you...and I'd do it in love! heh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): She wants to use you. She is abusive to your daughter to the degree your daughter didn't want to live with her. You have no obligation to this woman to take her in and take care of her. The nerve to even ask says she's not playing with a full deck.
I suggest you compromise. Suggest she take a spare room as long as it takes her to find a job. Set house rules and allow your daughter to have a vote. If your daughter came to you first, she was seeking asylum from her mother. So that should be your deciding factor right there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): I agree with you guys completely. At first I really did think she wanted to do this for our daughter but I sat down and really thought about it and realized that was just her trying to manipulate me like usual.
I would actually feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation. My ex wife completely denies that she is manipulative and emotionally abusive. So if I would try to explain this to get she would deny it and get mad.
The only thing that scares me is that my ex wife takes things out on my daughter. When I tell her no she can't live with us I know she will take it out on my daughter and I don't want that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 September 2015):
 Oh my!
No, you do not have to let her move in with you. She managed contact with your daughter while living elsewhere she can continue this.
She does want YOU to take care of her because she has no one else to do it. She isn't doing this for her daughter. After all your daughter fled her abusive household to live with you.
What will she bring, you think, to your life and household if you DO let her move in?
You daughter is FINE with you not letting her move back in, and I think you need to consider that your DAUGHTER needs a stable home, and that isn't with her mother or around her mother. She left her mom's house because she felt/were abused by her, would you really put your daughter in a situation where SHE has nowhere to turn?
My priority would be my daughter, not an ex. Whether she is an ex-gf or ex-wife. SHE chose to leave. I don't think you owe her squat.
She might be able to get herself some section 8 housing and benefits, but that is ALL on her. Or she might be able to find a room-mate situation elsewhere.
Stand firm, you ... Do Not owe her anything.
How do you refuse her request? You tell her no. I don't want you living with us. I don't think it's a good idea for me and *insert daughter's name*. I wish you good luck and if I can help in other ways (though not financially) we can talk.
I saw this scenario play out with my BIL and his ex-wife - though she wasn't abusive, she cheated, forged checks, lied and manipulated him and the kids till he finally divorced her. She moved in with one BF who she married after 3 months of dating and divorced 2 months later. When she divorced the guy she was practically homeless and my BIL was nice (read dumb) enough to let her live with him till she could get on her feet. She promptly sold some of his memorabilia while he was at work, did nothing around the house, she basically expected him to treat her like a guest - feed her, buy her stuff etc.... He actually had to file an eviction notice because she refused to move out. It was ugly.
Don't do that to yourself, AND more importantly don't do it to your daughter.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Reason you are happy since the divorce is because she is not into your life. There are no legal grounds under which she can squat into your home and that means if she tries to squat in you call the cops and have her removed.
The fact that she is incapable of financially supporting herself is not your business. She is her own individual and even though her BF is dead and it's tragic it is, nevertheless, her problem and not yours.
Therefore, do not let that squatter into your midst and be sure to use legal means to rid yourself off her. Second, her financial problem and ineptness at having a job is her problem and not yours so be sure you don't give her a penny.
I like the fact that you are so supportive and accommodative of your daughter and be sure you stay that way but only to your daughter.
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