A
female
age
36-40,
*arieFly
writes:Several years ago I got involved with an older, married man. At the time I thought it was simply a short fling, but it developed into a relationship that eventually led to him leaving his wife. I do not feel the need to go into the 'gritty' details of their divorce.Well, he and I got married last year and his three children come to visit EVERY weekend. His oldest i a spoiled seventeen year old girl who believes she is the queen of the world. When she comes into the house she refuses to acknowledge my exsistence and she spends her time with her "hobbies" which are time consuming and my husband feels the need to go to her stupid events. If she is not wasting her time with that she is busy with her friends. She never does chores, and she treats me like her and I are on the same level. His younger two are twelve and fifteen, and are the brattiest boys you'd ever meet. They are always taking up my husband's time as well. I understand he needs to spend time with them but it's like his entire weekend revolves around his children, and he has completely forgotten about me.The youngest boy countinues to call me "homewrecker" and will not listen to a word I say. It isn't my fault their father loves me more then their mother and left her. He refuses to do chores aswell and he thinks he can get away with calling me a "bitch" when his father isn't around. I am positive he gets it from his mother, she is a brat herself, and is always calling the house to check up on the kids. My husband still talks to her on a regular basis and it drives me INSANE. His excuse is that he and her talk about their children, but no matter what it still bothers me.The kids won't listen to a thing I say, and they are CONSTANTLY disrespecting me. How can I get them to see that I am in charge, and they should be doing chores and not taking up all my husbands time and money?
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divorce, his ex, married man, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Well it is time.....time to do rthe right thing. Time to acknowlede to his wife your role, how it affected her family unit,the betrayal from her hb and ultimately taking the father away from those kids. Instead of you judging them,learn to love them. Thus far you have treated them like they were your enemy. Maybe one day you would be accepted by them but YOU need to change as well. All the hurt and pain caused by you from the affair with their father will always be a thorn in their lives but if you change your character then you can show them that you have changed and have become a decent person after all.it starts with you and I am hoping that your change of heart is genuine and that you really want to be seen as a different human being and not the sly, conniving 'husband stealer' that they have been exposed to in the past. I hope these kids heal and get on with their lives as well. Their father also owes them and his wife an apology for destroying their home and lives. He used his wife for 17 years then threw her away when he found you, not easy to deal with, believe me. I am sure this woman had her whole world turn upside down with yourt affair. So one step at a time please try and heal those lives that were destroyed. The 4 of them had to rebuild their lives as well.so put. Yourself in their shoes. Not a Pretty place but life goes on. Good luck.
A
female
reader, MarieFly +, writes (11 February 2010):
MarieFly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, I was acting like a spoiled child when I wrote this. I am trying to make an effort to show his kids I mean well. I am also considering going to speak with their mother, and apologising to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): To the writer who said that the new wife "took" her husband from the ex-wife, remember that it takes two to tango. He is not a parcel that can be taken, so obviously he wanted out. Had he stayed in person, he still would not have been there and the whole family would have been even more miserable than they were with mom and dad "together". Sometimes we have to leave for the sake of the children, and not the other way round. He needs to intervene when the children disrespect his wife and make it clear that he won't stand for it. I don't get the feeling that he's doing this. They don't have to love the new wife, but their disrespect is not acceptable without consequences from the one who can do something about it. To the wife, try your best slowly to gain their basic respect, and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (31 January 2010):
When I first read this message I was about to type a reply that would for sure get me banned from the site. Having taken a deep breath, I thought I would tell you what a family friend did that worked miracles, although something tells me you won't do it. Anyway, here goes: my family friend was the cause of the divorce of her much older husband's first marriage when she was just 19. After years of hell with the kids, she decided one day to set up a meeting with the first wife and mother of the bratty kids. Firstly, she apologised to her for having been part of the cause of the divorce and told her that now she realises what part she played in it all. She told ex wife that she wanted her to feel free to be part of their lives since her and the husband will forever be bonded by the children. At first the ex wife angrily scoffed at the idea but over the next few weeks they began to talk now and then and even have each other over for dinner. Bratty kids turned angelic because of their mother's influence; so much so that they now call her mom. Everybody happy. You may scoff at such humility but so far your pride hasn't served you well; you can't win this fight. I have another stubborn aunt who has watched her husband's kids grow up and get married and she is banned from every family function because she chooses to fight them. She has never seen her step children's new babies. Its up to you to take steps to end this. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (31 January 2010):
You need to work on yourself, because it's impossible for you to work on them (life just doesn't work that way).
Odds are good that these kids may never love you, hell- now, just hope they can stop hating you. If you can advance that to neutral civility then you've come a long way.
With any luck you can BUILT a relationship with them... but it's going to take a lot of work. Building one with the ex wife is probably a really good idea, as having her change her opinion of you is vital.
Also, your husband (the guy that lied, cheated and left his family) needs to set some boundaries so that the kids do not feel empowered to abuse you. He's clearly being ineffective.
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A
female
reader, MarieFly +, writes (31 January 2010):
MarieFly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter reading the two responses, and acutally rereading what I wrote I realize I sound like a brat myself. I never reallly though to put myself in their shoes :/I'm going to try to be build trust with them, and show them I can be a good person
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 January 2010):
You can't. The reason? Because you had an affair with their Dad, and hurt there mother. They will not forgive or forget that. You sit there, and you say all his family are brats. You say his wife is a brat, you say his daughter is a brat, you say his sons are brats. That's four people who all hate you, and four people you hate. You are NOT in charge of them, they ARE entitled to his time and money because they are his kids. You can't just take a married man and expect his family to disappear. They won't. His wife will enjoy every second she annoys you, and his kids will just revel in the fact they can do what they like. Because when all is said and done, what can you do? Tell them off for treating you badly? You took away their safe home. Talk to your husband and tell him not to give them time and money? Their his kids, and they are entitled. to it. All you can do is continue attempting to get to know them. Because if you don't, and you try to change them, they will make it even worse. You had an affair with a married man who has children. The price of being there and taking away their home is that you are seen by them as the bad person. Get used to it, or get out.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 It takes time for them to look up to you as mother. You are not old enough to be their mother so they just look at you as someone their father sleeps with. They are young and they think all parents are perfect. They don't know what falling out of love means after a perfect marriage. Your husband needs to know that they disrespected you. Next time the youngest one call you names, just tell him you refuse to get upset and you wish you have a more harmonious household. They need to be punished, such as doing more chores and less pocket money. When their behavior improves they would be rewarded with a family trip. You still need one on one time with your husband. So would 2 hours each week be enough? In time they would respect you if you show yourself to be an emotionally stable, reasonable and nurturing at the same time. Don't just look at the kids at problematic. Be sensitive to their needs and care about their daily lives at school. At first they would be cold but if you continue to press on, showing your genuine care they couldn't help but appreciate you. Yes you would never replace their biological mother but they still need parental guidance in every aspect in their lives.
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