A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner keeps photos of his ex My partner and I have been dating now for 17 months and practically live together although we still have separate residences, i.e. he lives at my house, or I occasionally stay at his house. My concern is he has hundreds of photos of his ex on his computers, and framed photos of them cuddling in his drawers at this house. The photos he has on his laptop were put on 6 months after we started dating as his computer was new, so they have since been transferred onto it. The photos are mostly her posing, close ups of them cuddling, and even some of her in lingerie. I have spoken with him on 3 occasions about this, but he has never taken them off his computer despite the fact I have told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. The most uncomforting factor about this is that she looks just like me. Same hair style, same colour hair and eyes, same shaped face, to the point if you took a quick glance at the photos, you would think it was me.He recently took me away on holidays, we had a wonderful time, went to national parks, beautiful restaurants and I noticed that he never took photos of me. He would take photos of me on my camera, then take photos without me on his camera. On the flight home we were looking at our photos when I noticed he had been to the same location a few years previously, I asked to see his previous photos to see photo, after photo, after photo of his ex in all the same locations, restaurants and national parks that he had just taken me. I told him very bluntly to shut the damn computer, not another word was said for the duration of the flight and I raised the issue for discussion the next day, to which he just said he didn't think I was the jealous type. Still the photos stay.I feel a little bit like a third wheel and it is most certainly making me feel insecure. I don't understand why the photos aren't burnt onto a disc and stored safely if he wants to keep them, but not have them readily accessible. He is very I.T savvy and knows very well how to do this.In saying that, he told me he loved me 'very' early on in our relationship and has taken me on some wonderful holidays, sometimes though, I can't help but wonder if it is me he is thinking of, or if I am a clone replacement. They separated 2 years ago and we have been together now for 17 months.I would love some advice.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 March 2011):
 I hope this isn't to forward, but I think you are "the replacement". Seems to me he is still hanging on to his ex (and her photos) because he has unresolved issues with her. The fact that you look just like her doesn't help much. It could be coincidental, could be that you are the type of girl he likes.
I honestly don't think having reminders from your past, has to hurt your current relationship, but.... the pictures of her in lingerie and keeping them around the house? big no-no and red red flag.
I'm sorry, I would move on. Living in the shadow of another woman is not for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Men are very visual. So if hes keeping her pictures its because he likes looking at them. That can only mean he hasnt 'moved on' yet. Ask him why he needs to look at images of her. I imagine if he stays in your home, his laptop arrives with him. So hes bringing her pictures with him to your home. And hes calling you jealous? Hes being cheeky and trying to deflect. If you are jealous, who could blame you. Hes showing signs that he is in a rebound relationship with you. Google 'rebound' and see if he fits the description. I get the feeling you might be thinking the same from your remark about him seeming to love you very quickly. That can be a sign. You really need to have a frank talk to him and get those pictures gone...if he wants to convince you he really loves you. If the pictures come first then you need to let him go. Because he will slowly ruin your confidence, even if he does seem wonderful in other areas. Im in a long term rebound relationship. I though he was wonderful, he ticked all the right boxes....once he knew what those boxes were! But it was all a sham. 2 and a half years into the relationship he confessed he hadnt really loved me for at least the first year we were together. Because he had still been in love with his ex! They split up 8 months before i met him. So in all it was about 3 years after their break up that he finally got over her. It might be the same for your guy. You really need to talk to him and dont be put off with BS. You deserve someone who wants you more than he wants a bunch of pictures.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): First red flag he told you he loved you 'very' early on in the relationship. I get the feeling he is the controlling type of guy. It is pretty creepy in some respects that you and his ex look so alike - added to this that he has taken you to the precise same spots he went to with his ex. Yuk. Sorry that is not right. You must feel pretty violated? even somehow cheated? The way he does not take any photos of you with his camera makes me feel as though he does not need to - sorry but its like he has already got them (his ex). You have told him it upsets you and yet he persists with keeping them all. Again, he is controlling the situation by making YOU feel bad about it - its your problem huh which he trys to blame you saying "he didn't think you were the jealous type" which is said to make you feel guilty for even mentioning it. Trust me the problem is his and I for one would get out of that mess because it is likely to get worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): He is trying to recreate what he had with his ex and expecting you to be the stand-in. All very well saying he loved you, 3 months after they split, but actions speak louder than words.
My advice is to find someone who values you for yourself, not as an imitation of his ex. You are worth better than this insensitive man.
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A
female
reader, serenazai  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 It sounds like he still has some attachment to his ex, clearly. I think you should speak to him about it again, saying all the worries you have said in this question. It may be that he does not mean to make you feel uncomfortable at all and that he has been finding it incredibly hard to forget his ex. Its very painful knowing that there might be someone 'better' for him than you out there but you may be able to work through it. The part that worried me most was the holiday photos, its almost like he is re-living his previous relationship. He is probably very confused. My advice is to, as I said before, talk to him very clearly about it, all of it. Also make it clear that he must at LEAST remove/put away the photos of his ex in her lingerie. If I were in this situation it would make me feel extremely uncomfortable for my partner to have photos of his ex in her lingerie, it would make me feel like I wasn't good enough, or like I was being compared to her. You must never allow yourself to give in to this feeling but it is another thing you should bring up (if you feel that way) Be clear and honest with him, make him talk to you. And if he brings up you being jealous, then ask him how he would feel in your shoes. I hope this helps and sorry if it doesn't! Good Luck! x
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Wow. If I were in your position, I would have ended things LONG before now if I had found out he still had photos of his ex. Not only does he still have them, but you've told him THREE times now to get rid of them, and yet their still there. I would especially be infuriated if they were photos of them cuddling. That is completely disrespectful of you and of your relationship.What is his excuse for not deleting them? Doe she simply just forget? Does he say that they're just fun to look at sometimes? Does he not give you any reason whatsoever? I have no reasons at all to hold onto anything from my past relationships. I couldn't tell you where any of the photos I had with them got to. A lot of them don't even exist anymore as I deleted all of them. If I were to hold onto any of those photos, I would expect my ex to be very uncomfortable and I would delete them immediately. I even had an old MySpace account that I made over three years ago that I no longer had access to. The account was one that I had made when I was still with my ex, and I never made it private, so the pictures could be seen by everyone. My fiance found the profile about a and a half into our relationship and saw the photos of me and my ex. He didn't blame me for them, as he knew I didn't have access to the account, but it pained me for him to see them. However, a two weeks ago, I contacted MySpace through a series of back-and-forth e-mails that took about a week to get straightened out, but I finally gained access to the account and deleted it for good. My fiance deleted his MySpace long ago, but out of respect for him and our relationship, I didn't want any traces of my past relationship to be found. I'd go to any length to see the man I love happy. And that should be the case with your boyfriend.Firmly sit him down and tell him your concerns with why the pictures are still around. Tell him that the fact that you resemble her doesn't help your confidence with the fact that he's still got photos of her and him together. Tell him that you feel like he hasn't let go of her, and that if he doesn't get rid of them soon, you'll have to re-evaluate your relationship with him. I wouldn't stand for it, and neither should you. An ex is an ex for a reason, and they should stay in his past, not be a part of YOUR present, especially because of his inconsideration. Good luck.
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