A
female
age
36-40,
*ampababy46
writes: I feel like I have sort of an uncommon situation... None of my friends ever quite know what to tell me. Here it goes: So, I have been thinking about ending things with my long term friend with benefits. He and I both care for each other deeply, and I hope one day we could end up being something more, but I don't know if I'm selling myself short... We've known each other for two years. We first became friends thru work and started hanging out all the time, having lunch together, meeting for drinks, having long talks in person or on the phone, etc. After two or three months we started hooking up and he started taking me out on dates. We went on a few dates, but kind of felt like it was weird timing (I had literally JUST gotten out of an engagement). However, we kept hanging out, hooking up, getting to know each other better. Now it's been about two years. With the exception of when I was dating someone last summer/fall, we've maintained a great friendship AND sexual relationship. We currently see each other at least once a week and talk throughout the week. Mostly I go to his place and we'll watch TV or movies and just talk. Almost always we end up hooking up and then I'll lie in his arms and we'll go to sleep. We always kiss and hug each other when we come or go- he has referred to me as one of his best friends or his "girl." Our conversations flow really naturally and we never fight or bicker. We tease and joke around, but are generally conscious of each other's feelings.About a week ago we were on the phone and joking that he sees himself as "ridiculous." I said he was always interesting and that he makes for a good friend. He shocked me by saying, "Not boyfriend material? Just a friend?" I mumbled something like, "Oh I didn't say anything about that! I didn't think we were gonna go there!!" We awkwardly got off the phone... The next day I saw him and throughout the night he mentioned several different things he wanted to do together like teaching me to water-ski, going to pick out a dog with him, going to Halloween Horror nights so I can face my fear of zombies, and maybe going to a St. Patty's Day party. I know these aren't concrete plans, but it threw me off that he suggested all these things in one night. Occasionally we have talked about if we were ever to get together. I don't want to get hurt so I always stress that I'm glad we have a friendship like this and that I don't want to force anything. He generally agrees. Sometimes he'll say things like he doesn't know if he can trust any women. He's mentioned bad timing once recently. It had been really long since I'd heard that... He sometimes says, "Well, I know you're hooking up with other guys." I'd say, "No I'm not. I'd just tell you." He'll say, "Oh. Ok. It doesn't matter anyway." I'd tell him that I value his opinion, I don't want him to view me like that and it hurts my feelings. I am not hooking up, dating or seeing anyone else. Normally though, I hear things like, "you're so good to me," "when I want a girlfriend you're at the top of my list," and I do get plenty of compliments from him. This week I did tell him I think it would be a damn shame if we never even tried dating. I really do feel that way. I mean I do enjoy our arrangement and the way our friendship is, buy I'd like to find a "normal" relationship. I don't exactly know if I should end it or try and move things forward. I don't want to sell myself short, but I am NOT going to chase him and force anything either. Any advice? Thanks for your time!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I think that an FWB who cares for you deeply is an oxymoron. If he's an FWB, he cares but not that deeply- if he cared deeply , you'd be his gf, very simple.
" When I want a girlfriend, you'll be on top of my list " to me sounds like a variation of : You are great but I am not ready for a relationship,- which 99 % of times is bullshit and it just means I am not ready for a relationship with YOU.
Right now he probably feels that he does not even need a relationship, because you are already giving him the gf experience ( sex, affection and companionship ) without the responsibilities and committment that come with a real relationship, so he's probably not actively seeking one . But be sure that if he should bump into someone whom he's really smitten and impressed with, and she asks him to step us his game... he will step up his game and goodbye, dear top of the list FWB.
Said that , I agree with the other Aunts. Bite the bullet, call his bluff. Of course I ' d be glad to be proven wrong, and maybe he'll jump at the chance to turn your FWB into a committed relationship, but if he does not, at least you'll now clearly and finally where you stand.
A
female
reader, Tampababy46 +, writes (10 March 2012):
Tampababy46 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has given advice so far. I really appreciate it and am glad to hear different perspectives on my situation!
I am new to this site and don't know exactly how it works... I rated answers. I don't know if those are visible to anyone. I'm doing it from an iPhone and so occasionally I click on the wrong tiny star.... If I gave you a two I doubt I meant it! Lol
To anyone new who comes along: more advice is always great!!!
Thanks everyone!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 The man is telling you that he wants to go further. Do you?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I agree that you need to take the chance and put it out there that you want something more than FWB..
so tell me WHAT exactly would change?
you see each other every week
you talk daily
you are making plans in the future...
what is it that you need to change?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 March 2012):
 FWB arrangements are almost always awkward.... because they tickle at the edges of a "relationship"... but very rarely become one.....
For a guy, "FWB" is ideal... HE gets s*x without any pressure to be nice or to hold up his end of a real romance and/or "relationship."
It seems, however, that women often morph to want that FWB to actually BECOME a relationship... and that catches the guy off-guard, and upsets the ideal of unfettered/unencumbered s*x...
You (two) may be able to shift this to a "relationship".. but you will HAVE to COMMUNICATE with one-another a lot better than you have described in this submittal...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): I see no point to fwb- either have a relationship or have a friendship, don't have sex without a relationship because you're scared to have a relationship or to ask for one- 99.9% of the time fwb is a recipe for wasting time and getting hurt.
My guess is if you ask him to be your bf he won't, this says it all: "when I want a girlfriend you're at the top of my list,". It doesn't sound like he wants a gf to me and you're making yourself available to meet his needs without any commitment or requirements: try calling his bluff to see what he does, if that is what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): If you want something more, you must be the one to tell him, because the situation is pretty comfy for him now, will he feel cornered? probably but it'll take you out of the limbo. "when I want a girlfriend you're at the top of my list,"what he's doing is:fooling around with you while nothing better shows up, I'm sorry to say it like that but some guys are like this, he wants to keep his options open. You have some options too: You can play his game and keep up having sex with him, while you go on dates with other guys who are not afraid to commit with whom you can have a relationship OR you can say to him flat out that you want you guys to date and have a relationship, if the timing isn't right for him, just call it a day and go on with your life, otherwise in ten years time he'll be still your f*ck buddy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): I think you just need a 'look I am ready to date seriously now,are you up for it or do I move on' It sounds like you are actually in more than FWB from what you have said.But at least by coming clean,you will know where you stand.He's got everything going for him, seeing you,getting sex, no pressure - he will carry on as long as you keep it going.2 years is long enough.
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A
female
reader, Kakashi  +, writes (8 March 2012):
I have known a few friends in this situation and all but one started dating. My best friend was one of them and I felt terrible when it didn't work out. She went from having a friend and relationship to a broken heart. All I can say is make the decision thats right for YOU. Make sure you no exactly what you want, it would be cruel if you changed your mind and broke his heart, not forgetting that he also needs to be 100% otherwise someone's gonna get hurt.. :/ my friend doesn't regret giving it a go, she just blames herself which is stupid cause he's the real jerk. By the sounds of things you two sound like a couple anyway, just be cautious. good luck xx
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