| A ,
anonymous
writes:
A couple of weeks ago a new girl moved into the block of flats where
I live and I fell in love with her at first sight (normally I have to
get to know someone first). Without going out of my way I see her
irregularly, maybe once a week on average.
The other day I impulsively went round to call her, introducing
myself as a 'good neighbour' type. Her reaction to me is
friendly/polite/wary/open. I have not spoken to her in the last 4
days as I don't want to 'crowd' her, although I think about her 24/7.
I don't want to ask her out, because I'm ( I estimate) 20 years her
senior, and its just too wierd.
Incidentally, she is beautiful and elegant. I am ugly (I assume),
boring (my attempt at appearing normal) and both shy and socially
inept. And sexually impotent. I am single, I think she is too.
I am considering several courses of action:
a) Declare my true feelings
b) Patiently try to cultivate a platonic friendship.
c) Lose the will to live
d) Have her erased from my memory, a la "Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind"
All of these sound awful, can you suggest any others?
Please help!
Best Regards,
S.
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fell in love, moved in, neighbour, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2004):
Dear S
Please ensure you are sitting down in a quiet place when reading this
response, which comes with true understanding and feeling for your
predicament. You are, like many others before you, making the chronic
relationship mistake of confusing love with obsession.
Thinking about someone 24:7, counting the number of times you see them
in a week, counting the number of days since you saw them last are all
symptoms of obsessive, not loving behaviour. It is always worth
remembering that you can become obsessed immediately, and yet you grow
to love someone over time and through shared experiences.
At this point in my response dear S, I am afraid I have to be cruel to
be kind, and point out that sadly in life there are leagues, and if
you are as you say 20 years older than the enchanted creature you
crave, with limitations in the conversation and looks department, and
she is as beautiful and elegant as you describe, it is unlikely that
she will be in the least bit interested in you. She may even already
have a boyfriend, she may not be looking for another relationship, or
she may well prefer Mildred to George, if you know what I am mean. In
summary this situation is a lost cause, but believe me when I say that
hope is certainly not lost and YOU have the power within to change
your single status, you have the power to take control of your life,
you have the personality and character to make the appropriate changes
and manage your personal destiny without taking any of the drastic and
needless actions you suggest, from declaring true love to erasing your
memory, to do this.
Sit down with a simple piece of paper and a pen, take a good look at
yourself my dear S and write down all the special qualities that lie
within you, no doubt you are kind, caring, you are mature, you are
brave, I am sure there is a long list if you think hard and listen to
the strong masculine voice within. Once you have done that, read
through the list and be proud of your qualities, be proud of the man
you are. Now you can hold your head up high, you can be confident in
your ability to meet people and eventually to possibly grow to love
the beautiful person that is meant for you.
Break free of your obsession and start your life afresh...
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