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Attracted to a Married Man - we both talk about how we are married to the wrong person, what do I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 April 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2008)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi all

I have been married my for six years now but I have been with my husband for over ten year. Well I met this guy at work about seven years ago. The first time I met him, I knew he was someone special. Him and I talk on occasion but never really did anything. Two months before I met him, my boyfriend ( now my husband) had a real bad break up. When I met this guy I did not know he was married. As time went on we started to talk a lot, we actually had a lot in common. One on my co-workers had seen me talking to him and asked if I knew he was married (mind you that subject never came up).

After that I tried to stay away. I never picked up when he call. When I saw him around at work I would avoid him. Once afternoon, he come to see me at work and asked me why I haven't returned his call. I was so upset with him but I told him that I had found out that he was married. He never denied it but the look on his face, seem like he was shocked that I found out. He told me that his marriage was not working out but he couldn't leave his wife b/c she was having his baby. Well, let just say him and saw very little of each other, on occasion we would see each other at work but it was basically a hi and by situation.

Recently I was walking into BJ (department store) and I saw him again. Two days later he called me at work, wanting to know how I was doing. I told him I got married and he said he was happy for me. That phone conversation was really short. About a week went by and he showed up at my job wanting to talk to me. He said he never forgot me and that he is sorry for what happened the last time. I told him I was over it but I really wasn't. Well since then him and I are once again talking just about everyday. My feeling for him has never left and WE both talk about how we are married to the wrong person.

What should I do...

LovebutLost

View related questions: at work, co-worker, married man

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for your help!!!

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 April 2008):

eddie agony auntYou do what is right. You do not start another romance with a married person. This makes tings worse, not better. I understand what you're saying and you deserve to be happy. If the marriage si that bad, maybe you should get out of it, the proper way.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He refuses to go to counseling. The way I was raised was to do for my family, cook,clean make sure everything in my house was done, serve my husband as if he is the king to his castle. Mind you I still believe I should be this way but when I ask for help all he gives me is crap, I tend to do my wifely duties and go my way. I have asked him repeatively to go to counseling but he feels there is nothing wrong with our marriage.

Now this guy come along and doesn't ask anything of me. He makes me feel like I am a diamond, that just needed to be polished. A couple of weeks ago we met and we took a long walk along the board walk, we talked for hours. This was actually the first time him and I spent time together. Since then he calls me every morning to wish me a good day. All I ask from my husband is to be my equal not his salve. Came you see why I have gone another direction. I am not saying it is right but I could truly say I have tried and yes there is always to sides to a story. I know talking to the other guy will not solve anything b/c he himself is married but I just don't know what else to do...

Thanks

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 April 2008):

eddie agony auntOf course he should help. I think you need to get some counseling as a couple before its too late.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

What I mean when I say my husband makes me feel like s___, it b/c he does not support me going back to school. He thinks I am selfish for leaving him to tend to the kids, and yes these are his kids as well but our kids are closer to me than they are to him. To answer your other question, yes he does work. I'm not sure why my marriage has gone this way but I feel like I have to say with him for the kids. All children need their father. My husband and I have wounderful children they are 15yrs and 16yrs old and they do help me around the house but I can not asked them to be my maids. They have there chores, which for kids this age they do really good job. My daughter washes clothes and cleans her room, the living room and my son cleans the bathrooms and his room. So if I ask my husband to help me by picking something up from the store or make sure the kitchen is clean before I get home, don't you think he should help!!!

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 April 2008):

eddie agony auntI'd like to hear your husbands side of the story. Why would th kids want to live without him? IF the kids are making the mess, why don't they clean it? Does your husband work? You call them "my" kids, are they not his children too? What does it mean when you say your husband makes you feel worth "shit"?

Do not complicate things by cheating. It's no wonder your marriage doesn't stand a chance, you're focused on someone else. Add to that your husbands issues and any others you might have and it becomes difficult to fix. No matter what you do, do things in the proper order. Become single first then start dating.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

When I wrote earlier about him being happy, I ment to say he is not happy with his marriage as well. He says b/c of his childs, just like me

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the advise but it's not that easy. I spoke to my husband and I told him that I did not love him anymore b/c we have grown appart. We also have two kids that feel they rather live without a father. Beside working, in the last year I have returned back to school. My husband is always making feel like I am worth "shit". I come home everyday and cook and clean, and do I get any help, NO. He yells at my kids, telling them they made the mess they should clean it. Even though he is right,(everyone has to play there part) If I ask him to help me clean he yell, so I do it all by myself...

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 April 2008):

eddie agony auntYou need to be grounded. You're chasing rainbows and not likely to find what you really desire. What type of man cheats on his wife? What type of man approaches a woman he apparently respects,meaning you, and then tries to horn in on your marriage? What type of integrity does that show, on his part and yours? If, as you said, he was happy for your marriage, why is he trying to ruin it? HMMMM ?????

You're jumping into this mess with both feet and you're already up to your neck in trouble. You are already emotionally cheating on your husband. If you do not love your husband and you are not capable of respecting him and your marriage, leave. But do it for his sake, not yours. You are the one who is being deceitful and should try to give your husband a chance.

What's strange is this, you loved him enough to marry him but you've thrown him into a war he doesn't even know he's fighting. That is wrong. I'm sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear but you're going about this back wards.

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (13 April 2008):

dearkelja agony auntUnfortunately, you said it, you are married...to the wrong people but still married.

You should not pursue any physical (or emotional) relationship with this man. No good will come of this for either of you OR your respective spouses.

You should honor your partners by leaving them if you no longer love them. If you can't leave them then you need to find a way to make your marriages work.

Look on this site at all the broken people who have entered into this kind of relationship. It never ends well and what you get out of it will leave you feeling empty, guilty and more lonely that you were.

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