A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 and my boyfriend is 29. We are in an on/off relationship. He is always the one initiating the breakup when he gets upset or feel attacked/disrespected. We don't live together and we have sex about once a week more or less. We've been back together since 2 or 3 weeks. He never did this before so I would like to ask for a second opinion here. Yesterday, I wanted to go to sleep but apparently he wanted to have sex. After I refused, he told me that I was getting too comfortable because when we get back together, I would always want to have more sex at the beginning. It became less because I saw him too often.I said: I do feel comfortable? It was only a week ago that we had sex? Him: you are teasing me and I am a man you know. I can be nice/sweet to you and all that but you never want to give it to me!Me: it has been a week? And I do other things to make you feel loved isn't it? Him: So what!? I do that too! You are teasing and I am not going to see you for another week!?(because HE is too busy)(I don't feel like I'm teasing him at all)Me: Then I just stop teasing you?Him: You never keep your word! You always say things but you don't do things. I don't believe you word. Just like you said you would quit smoking, just empty words!Me: Then don't believe me, if it's regarding myself, like going to gym, or quitting smoking, I don't always do as I say but regarding other things involving other people I do? (at this stage he is getting furious)I will do the same then!!!!!! I will never take responsibility and keep my word see how you would feel from now on! Wow! Shows what kind of a person you are! I do what I want! I don't owe you nothing!!! You know what!? I am not going to see you until you quit smoking!!!(I know that he rarely goes to the gym for example even if he said so but I didn't dare to say so as it would infuriate him even more.)I said: All this for not having sex for 1 week? I am not going to change in any way, but I am afraid of the drastic changes you are about to make and I don't feel it's fair? You have to take some responsibility? Like not cheating and stuff?Him: It is not about sex and I don't need it! But is about the fact that you feel too comfortable and you are not like this in the beginning after we get back together after a breakup!! I have needs! Cheating never crossed my mind!!! OMG!!!(he said himself he was going to be an irresponsible man and never has keep his word?) You are a psycho!!!! I said I am going to act the same as you and see how it makes you feel! I do what I want!!! I am going to sleep somewhere else *and storms off to the other room*Me:... just lying down typing down everything that happened. After a few mins, he returned and said: let's forget it and sleep. I know you don't like to sleep with a bad feeling and act like nothing happened?Me: OK. kissed him and slept.In the morning, we pretended everything was fine?I know that when he get infuriated, he will get so upset he will break up with me. If I say something to upset him or make him feel cornered he will explode and tell me that I force him to break up with me. I wanted to leave him some space to talk back. So I didn't go hard on him.I think what he wants was to have more frequent sex with me, but I don't think this was a very tactical way. He was like a child throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way. I feel awkward having sex with him now and it's forced? It cannot be loving anymore from now on. How do I turn this around? I don't want to have sex with him at all at this rate? Or am I overreacting? Please I need advice and thanks for your help.
View related questions:
a break, get back together, teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 July 2015):
 I think you two have a LOT of unresolved issues that maybe you two need to deal with BEFORE getting back together (if at all).
You man is VERY literal, I think and with quite a sense of entitlement. Like he should have sex, when HE wants sex. That is not how it works. Sex should be when BOTH parties wants sex.
If you in the past have made a LOT of promises but been kind of vague about keeping them, I get what he is talking about. My husband used to do the same (he still does but it's thankfully RARE these days) and it drove me up the wall. Like telling me (and/or the kids) that we would be doing something over the week-end, he would PROMISE that we would go to the zoo, circus, museum, beach... etc. and then Saturday would roll around and he would make all kind of EXCUSES as to why we couldn't go after all. IT IS ANNOYING to be on the other end of someone who KEEPS making promises but don't bother keeping them. As for the smoking (for example) if you aren't SURE you can and WANT to quit then DO NOT make promises.
IF you sit and talk sexy all WEEK about all the kinky things you are going to do to him and then bam, nah.. don't feel like it... It can seem kind of " F you" attitude - though with the sex... I totally get that there are times you are in the mood and times you are not.
So DO NOT make promises if you aren't 100% sure you can keep them. OR you will come off as a flaky person.
He does ACT like a spoiled brat. He wanted sex and you didn't so he threw a fit and brought up ALL the other things about you that annoys him. YET you two didn't deal AT ALL with the issues, you went to sleep...
You mention cheating. Did he cheat on you? IS that why you aren't really committing? Just sorta like having a BF and the occasional sex, but you really know you should have moved on?
I think you two should consider leaving each other alone for a good while and figure out what you want.
|
