A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm just curious for other people's experiences, although I know every one is different. Around how long were you and your significant other together before saying "I love you" ?My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 8 months and are even moving into an apartment together in January, yet neither of us has said it. Granted there have been moments where my brain flashes "I think I love you" but I am too nervous to say it. I also come from a family where although we're close-knitted, we just don't say it much at all and often feels weird to say it out loud. And vice-versa, when I'm with my boyfriend's family, I never hear them say it to each other either. Plus my dad has constantly recounted a story of how he said "I love you" first and my mom had to turn him down and tell him she couldn't say it back yet. He says he was hurt but they continued to date and eventually married and are still together after nearly 30 years. Is this normal? In some relationships, is it possible that saying "I love you" isn't really a big deal? When I'm with my boyfriend, I feel like I already know he cares for me, but sometimes I wonder if we should have said it by now. Again, I'm not super concerned by it, more just curious of what others have experienced. Thanks for reading!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2018): I dated maybe around 15 girls before getting married to one.Had only one or two dates with some before realising that I didn't like them enough to continue with them. Out of them I slept with only five because I always believed that you should only sleep with someone if you love them or like them enough to share the rest of your life with.I always considered that sleeping with someone was a serious business that shouldn't be taken lightly. So saying those magical three words to those five and my wife were mostly during love making. I don't know if that makes sense but that is my ta pence.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): I don’t want to be negative, but I do think it’s a red flag. I was in a relationship for 9 months without saying it and we ended up breaking up. I knew deep down he didn’t feel that for me.
If it didn’t bother or concern you, you wouldn’t be asking us. Step back and look at who has done the most work in this relationship. Him or you? Some men are happy to simply go along for the ride because it’s fine and not bad enough to leave or end things but not love.
I feel like when you know, you know. More times than not, it happens quickly with the right person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): Miss OP,Your question kinda got to me a little. We were 24 and 23 and very much in love when we married, but she moved out after five years of marriage. Both of us were very poor at communicating our feelings, maybe a little like you and your boyfriend. Perhaps you are too young to have seen it, but a lot of guys (and gals) have trouble recognizing their feelings, never mind talking about them with someone else, including their lovers. That’s how I was. It wasn’t just feelings, it was also hopes and dreams and our future that we didn’t seem to talk about. A long time later (40 years) I went back through my memory of my time with her. I know exactly how many times that I told her I loved her, it was twice. Only twice. I can remember them because they were special occasions. I learned a few things when I looked back. First, I wasn’t that way on purpose, it was just the way I was, I didn’t know any better, I really wasn’t emotionally mature. Now I just have to accept that that was the way I was, but I feel very badly that I let my wife down and that eventually contributed to our separation. I realized that I didn’t even know myself how much I loved her and how much she meant to me; I had never told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me, and I deeply regret that.Is there a lesson here for you? I think you are more aware of the importance of this kind of communication than I was. You are questioning yourself and watching what other people do. Even though you say you are “not super concerned” and just curious”, I think maybe deep down you can see that this is a very important part of any relationship and you want your relationship to be solid and successful. You’re half the relationship, so you need to do your part to make it work. To do this I encourage you to make it your job to learn all you can about this topic, make it a priority for you. You may be ahead of your boyfriend on this. If your want your relationship to last it may fall to you to somehow educate him. If you love him, you will coax, cajole and gently prod him to learn and be open and communicative. Lastly I would suggest, you shouldn’t be living together if you don’t love him, and if you do love him, then there is no reason not to tell him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (12 December 2018):
 We see this question on here more than you might think. When we love someone we of course want to hear them say those three little words "I love you". It should be noted though that as an old saying goes "talk is cheap". Its very easy to say the words (for some) but it doesn't always mean that they mean the words. You need to look at ACTIONS (actions speak louder than words as they say).
My husband is Japanese and is very old school Japanese. I have gotten to know many Japanese people and in their culture, they think very differently than we do in regards to expressing themselves. They sort of have the attitude of "If I love you, you will know it, it should be assumed". I know that seems very strange if you are a Westerner, but if you think about it, it makes sense. They are very confused as to why over here we are always saying "I love you" and yet many people cheat on each other, use each other, and don't really love each other at all.
When we first married, I already knew that it wasn't easy for him to express himself in words or even in some actions. Japanese people don't hug!!! I had to teach him how to hug, express to him that I liked that, and also that I am a very affectionate person and I do say "I love you" alot. Over time (17 years) he has grown used to me and can express himself better and yes, he will even say those 3 little words out of the blue (and trust me..I love it!)
The thing is though..I have ALWAYS known and felt that he loves me. I have never doubted that..even with him not saying it. He has always been very kind, giving, and loving in all other ways. I have never for a moment wondered if he did love me.
Just because your boyfriend doesn't say it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it. How does he treat you? How does he look at you? How does he make you feel?? Those are the things that are REALLY important. There is no time frame in saying "I love you". You say it when you feel it and when the time is right for you..not what time frame someone else is on.
Deep down inside you know if he loves you or not.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (12 December 2018):
 As you have already worked out, there is no yard stick for measuring when someone SHOULD say "I love you" to a partner. Everyone is different. Some can say the words easily, while others find them difficult. It does not make their feelings any the less valid just because they cannot vocalize them.
I would be far more concerned about how your boyfriend treats you than what he says. If he is caring towards you and makes you FEEL loved, then that is far more important than actually saying the words. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
Christmas is coming. Perhaps get him a card "to the one I love" and take it from there - if, indeed, you feel you do love him. Or perhaps a slightly more cautious "to someone special" card if you are not completely sure?
Don't, however, fall into the trap of feeling ENTITLED to have the sentiment returned. We all move at our own pace. Your father's dogged clinging to hurt he felt 30 years ago is a prime example of how NOT to go about it. You are moving into a home with your boyfriend so he quite obviously has feelings for you. Have you discussed a future together? If so, then he obviously sees your relationship as long term. Some people just find it harder to use "the L word" than others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years almost and we’ve said “I love you” after six months of dating. Although, I didn’t truly feel in love with him until we were together for two years. The reason for that is, it’s easily to fall in love with someone because of the things you think fit right between the two of you but the more you get to know each other and put in the time to BE with each other, then you will have the courage to say “I love you”. These three words have often been tossed around by many. But do they really FEEL the love?Couple love is different from familial love. My family doesn’t vocally say I love you each though we show it. If you and your boyfriend truly feel for each other and know each other well enough then there is no exact time when to say “I love you”. Do so when you both are ready.
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