A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm having problems with my mom, she often shout t me for things sometimes I see why others are not so clear. One of the more recent occasions she asked me to vacuum the dining room which I did along with cooking lunch and washing up and helping my bf with his essay as he was stuck and I did English at A-Level. When she got back she told me I was lazy as I should have tidy one of the side tables up and vacuumed the hall?! But if she just said vacuum the house I would have done it, not that I had time in the hour she was gone but I would have done it when he was back.Now okay so there may be points in that in which you agree with her, but I live with two foster placements 11 and 13 neither of which do a thing they leave doors open lights on cups on the table the list goes on. But my mom doesn't seem to think they can help her, I have no idea why not but they get away with it.So yesterday mom was cooking dinner I walked in after buying a new car so had to ring insurers and send my old tax disk back. Once I had done this my mom only had to cook spaghetti so as there were two people in the kitchen already I figured I would just go tidy my stuff away, after I did this I came back down and was told dinner would be ready in five. She then asked me to taste it so I replied jokily that everytime I try it it's fine but when you try it you do t like it so what's the point, you even do it with the curry I made. I made it the same for years then one day you told me you didn't like it.At this point all still seemed fine she muttered something under her breath I asked her what she said she said oh nothing (the same way when we are having a laugh)So she then asked me to get the cheese out the fridge I asked which one fresh or powdered(Parmesan) she then replied fresh what else?I then said well normally you has powdered so I thought I would ask We never have powdered!Yes we do we always have powdered with this as you say the fresh stuff is expensive.She then carried on denying it And told her otherwise, my boyfriend then walked past thinking it was the usual bit of banter we have an said yeah you have said that before to my mom.So I laughed and said there point made. Then from laughing and joking she flipped started having a go at me and told me it was like living back home with her mother.She then refused to eat dinner with us a went upstairs. T this point I'm baffled at what happened??She then had a go at my bf for interfering and then me for shouting while kicking my stuff at me.I spoke to my dad later, as she always tells him what went on, in order to get a better idea of what my mom though had happened but she hadnt told him anything other than it was a stupid argument.So now here I am the next morning she till not speaking I me and I don't quite understand what happened.I know it's really long and I commend you for reading it but I would love someone to shine a bit of light on where I went wrong Or if maybe was it just a case of she was in a bad mood so targeted me like she normally does??Thanks for reading Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Just like Chigirl said. You asked how come , in our opinion, that your mother could be acting this way . In my opinion, and strictly based on what you have submitted and your description of the situation, it may be because your mother may have become tired of your particular brand of banter and sarcasm. Banter and sarcasm aren't appropriate in every single moment of every single day of a family life, there are moments in which they can easily turn into, or be perceived as, an overbearing, belligerant attitude.
You say that you know better and that it is excluded this may be the reason. Then , maybe, if your mom is keeping to her room and not talking to you, ... who knows, it will be to have a good laugh in peace and quiet over the witty banter that she appreciated so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mother has just been and had a chat, she apologised for getting mad and that my nephew had wound her up and I was the first person she spoke to after he left. Thanks for all the help guys.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 You're not giving facts, you're just presenting your view of things. And what do you expect when you ask for opinions? You expect opinions... yet you dislike it when someone has an opinion that differs from yours. You asked why we think your mother reacted that way, well that is what I think. It's not an assumption, it's what I think could be the case.
But if you know the truth, then why did you come here asking us? You know your family best, and if your mother had no reason to be upset then why ask us why she got upset? If there was no reason, according to your facts.. well then she must be going cocoo, loonie toonie, loosing her marbles. According to your facts.
Why don't you ask her then, and hear if her facts match your facts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm no longer carrying on with this post as things are being mentioned which I never gave facts about. My bf is basically a lodger. Cooks his own meals washes his things keeps himself to himself yet you say why doesn't he help??? It's the two kids that don't help? Did I not make this clear. My mom does not laugh to keep the peace it's what we do.Stop making judgements about what my family must be like read the facts and answer from them our whole family use banter and sarcasm daily to us there is no other way, it's just what we do.People are making assumptions rather than using the facts I gave.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 February 2013):
Hmm, that's interesting. Your boyfriend lives with you, yet you don't expect him to help out around the house, you're just angry that the foster-siblings aren't expected to do as much. Wonder why.
And you didn't answer any of my questions. Why did you have a need to be right? Needing to be right isn't at all fun for the person on the other end of the "banter", and the line between friendly fighting and real life arguments and belittling is a fine line... So if you want less fighting, why do you encourage this? It is playing with fire, and somewhere along the "fun" of it all you crossed the line. You're unwilling to acknowledge this, because you're so dead set on being right.
You say I'm missing the point, because supposedly this was all just fun and laughs. But you are the one missing the point: it wasn't funny to your mom. Nor can I imagine anyone, at all, finding such conversation amusing. It was a personal attack on your mother, belittling her. You say you do this all the time.. well if that's the case I think your mother only laughs because she wants to keep the peace in the house. But her outbursts are when she just can't take it any longer and shows how she truly feels about these "friendly" banters.
The way you talked to her isn't funny, nor was it friendly. It was disrespectful and a personal attack. You might as well have called her a stupid, demented person. Indirectly it's what you did. And.. if that's your idea of humour then I suggest you learn better jokes.. jokes that aren't on the expense of others.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 February 2013):
You miss the point of all the answers you don't want to hear ; banter is only banter when is kept to a level , and a number of occasions, so that EVERYBODY enjoys it ; beyond that ,it may become , and feel, heavy-handed ,unnerving and distasteful. Probbably your mom would , at least occasionally, less banter, less smartaleckness, less criticism and more promp, practical HELP. Btw, since your bf lives there, why don't you ask HIM to help your mom around the house ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome people are still missing the point.We often have banter in our house its what we do my bf did NOT realise I repeat DID NOT realise it was an argument which is why he said something as he normally does as he lives with us.I don't always mouth off back at my mom it's called banter we do it a lot the question is how did our usual banter turn from laughing and joking to her shouting at me?I didn't say I started having a go at her and now I'm not sure why she's not talking,If I had shouted at her I think I may have a pretty good idea what went wrong she accused me of shouting, something I didn't do.I normally get great advice here but it looks like the first two replies were the only ones that actually read my questionThanks again for those responses.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2013):
I agree with Chigirl. You have to learn which battles to pick, and that in a family getting along is more important than being always right.
I am not saying that your mom must be a saint, or flawless. Maybe she is a difficult type, she has a short fuse, or she can't handle stress, she is a perfectionist , or too impatient, or ...all you want . But: could not you just for once do what you are told without starting a debate ? Do you necessarily have to put your two cents in even when it's superfluous ? do you have to mouth off every single time ?
She asks you to taste her spaghetti, please do taste the darn spaghetti, what's the big deal. She says she wants fresh cheese, just give her fresh cheese. At most you can say " I thought you preferred grated cheese ?... " , interrogation mark at the end, and don't turn this in an occasion to point out all her flaws , inconsistencies and imperfections. So, maybe she changed her mind. Or she forgot. Or she got confused. Or, she is a volatile , capricious lady that does not even know what cheese she wants : AND... ? Is it a process in a Court of Law, or a kitchen at dinnertime ? No need to put her on the spot , and, most of all, no need to have your bf to intervene with his unrequired pearls of wisdom. Tell him to mind his business.
As for the vacuum accident : I think your mom may have the flaw that many of us moms have, to be bad communicators and , in a way, want our kids to read our minds. Well, not exactly : we want them to get the SPIRIT, not the letter , of the instructions they are given. We want them to be ... a bit grown up. When my son was 13 ( but he was thirteen , though ! ) he'd be making himself tea, I'd tell him : remember to wash your cup and put it away , he would do that, ...and leave the spoon in the sink. Which, drove me nuts and .." But you did not say the spoon too ".
The thing is, we ( too optimistically perhaps ) assume that with older kids, we don't need to cross all the Ts and dot all the Is, we think shorthand is enough. Like , the letter of the instruction was " vacuum the dining room ",period, which technically gets you off the hook and puts you in the right. But probably the spirit of instruction was " The house is messy, I need help cleaning the house, you have a free hour, do something about it , please get off your butt and use this hour to vacuum the dining room AND if there's time left after that, use it to do something that helps ME and saves ME some time and effort, like NOT dowdling with your bf who's not family , does not live here and has less right to your help than I do ".
Now, if we want to say that she should have given you clear , precise , detailed instructions :step 1) vacuum the dining room, step 2 ) vacuum the hall,step 3 ) etc. etc, OK we can promptly agree on that. BUT, with adults you trust that you can leave to their initiative, and sense of responsibility to carry on routine duties in the way they generally are, or should be, performed,without the need for an army map. I mean, how many times you must have seen your mom FIRST vacuum the dining room THEN the hall THEN cleaning the end tables etc., couldn't you have just done the same without a step by step guide ?! ( wonders your mom ).
Moral : your mom is sulking, maybe she is overreacting, maybe she is a type who takes umbrage easily, I don't know .... but, my guess is she is simply feeling the brunt of living with an ornery tennager daughter, I am sure that you love your mom and that she loves you back to bits, the problem is not that... the problem is that you assume she is just being " difficult " ...but you do not know how difficult can YOU be without even noticing and how much you are grating on her nerves at times !-
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChi girl I think you missed the point, in our house banter happens a lot we all have a great sense of humor and wind each other up, my mom hates liars but then becomes one. If you read the story you would see that my boyfriend had no idea it was an argument nor did anyone else for that matter. I didn't come on here to ask people to have a go at me because they think they know what happened read what I wrote and then answer no need to be quite so offensive.Thanks fi the tree your advise has been helpful, I spoke to my brother today (36) and he said the best thing to do is keep out the house then when she gives you dinner again it's on the mend. Oh and about the foster placements she moans they do nothing but when I suggest they help out she always says no I' ll do it myself.Thanks again or your answers
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 February 2013):
Stop talking back to your mother, and stop arguing about small stuff.
If she said she normally has the fresh cheese, and you thought it was otherwise, why bother arguing about it? Why even mention it? There is no point, it's only you looking for an argument. And she gave you one. Next time, don't go asking for one.
If she says she never has powdered cheese then fine. End of story. Doesn't friggin matter if she's right or wrong. When you keep going at it, it shows that you are stubborn and have a need to be right in everything. Just say "okay, I just thought you did". Or say "ok", and then nothing. There is no need to win a battle over what type of cheese she normally uses.
You think she is childish? Sure, maybe, a grown woman should know better than her teenage daughter. But in your own example you started it. No one I know of start arguing about small stuff like that unless they're looking for an argument and looking to piss someone off. And if this is how you normally communicate with her then I fully understand that she's tired of it. And for her reasons not to speak to you? When you have nothing good to say it is better to not say anything at all, so just be happy she's keeping quiet. She probably needs to cool down, and if you start pushing her you're just looking for more trouble.
Your boyfriend should also be more respectful of your parents. It is not his mother, nor was it is business, yet he interfered in the argument and even spoke back at her. He was very rude.
You need to learn how to back off. Not everything is worth fighting over, and stupid cheese definitely is not worth the fight. So ask yourself this: why didn't you drop it? Why did you have a need to tell her what she normally does or doesn't do? Why did you need to have the last word, why did you need to be right?
Just because you think you are right doesn't justify arguing to get your way. You need to learn to let things go and not be stubborn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your responses, I have tried talking to her but she is ignoring me no matter what I say.Guess I will have to ride it out
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (24 February 2013):
 The only way to find out why she was so mad is to just ask her
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): Us mom can get a bit irritated from time to time. I know fostering can be quite exhausting. We fostered then adopted our oldest .. I have three kids ranging from 17 month to five then twenty. And even my middle one helps out, she sets the table with cutlery that her job.. Now my kids are pretty ruined .. My sons gets logs and coal for the fire and that's about it. I do the rest.. Ask mum if she could write down your tasks as you want to make sure your doing your bit.. I can't see why the other two don't do a little?? Maybe bring down laundry, tidying the magazines up you know little odds and ends ..I think telling your mum she a fuss pot wasn't a good idea (mums are though haha) get her a box of chocolates, leave them on kitchen table with a note saying, I love you mum, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings... She was just frazzled . Then get your task down on paper in fact suggest putting it up on the fridge and then the other two can get a wee thing added to help mum even if its something simple like take out garbage (? Name here) Monday Wednesday and Thursdays to the green bin. Etc Don't take this to heart..mum's have feelings too.. Get the chocs apologise for hurting her feelings and move on.. I'm sending you a cuddle, chin up now and go fix this silly argument... Lou x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): Well I see you have a mom like me. They are very hard to get along with. I've read your story and I can positivly say you dd absolutley nothing wrong! It sounds to me like your mom is bipolar or maybe she was in a bad mood. You were only joking and she knew it. And I would't worry about her talking to me. She will start talking to you soon. Enjoy the peace of that while you have it. As I said before, my mom's the same way. Sometimes it's there jobs or some people who get them in that mood. I hope this has helped you. :)
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