A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my fiancé and I have been together for a year and a half and we have been struggling sexually. when we first got together he told me he wanted to wait until marriage to have sex I was perfectly Fine with that as we both were practicing christianity so I was Kool with it. as the next two months went by we started being more sexually eager with each other with more physical touching kissing cuddling and eventually started having sex. before we got together he went 4 years without sex so he couldn't get hard. fast forward to now we still have the same issue. he will not stay on hard for long and when he finally does get hard he doesn't last longer than 5 minutes then he's done. idk what ot do he doesn't last long and during the whole time he is completely silent he doesn't talk moan or anything and I feel like I'm just by myself with showing sexual emotion I don't even know when he ejaculates because he shows no emotion. I am the type of girl that needs some type of communication during sex and he just won't do it though we've discussed it a lot. things have not improved at all since we started having sex two months in. I asked him for us to see a counselor but he does not want to. I need advice
View related questions:
christian, ejaculate, kissing, last longer Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2017):
 I think he need to talk to a psychologist / therapist. Sounds like he is hardwired to think of sex as sinful, and that's why his body reacts the way it does. He said he wanted to wait until marriage, so perhaps you should wait. But there is no guarantee marriage will fix this, as its become such a habit for him to avoid sex.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 Not all who call themselves Christians follow the rules...
Ask your fiancé if he masturbates. A lot of young people do not realise that when you masturbate, you train your body to only get turned on by a certain feeling...like your hand or a vibrator. Do it long enough, and your body will only get turned on by that sensation. I know lot of women and men who can only have an orgasm, if their partner masturbates them.
Secondly...Lot of young men believe once it's hard, you put it in and hump like a rabbit. WRONG!!!
GOD gave women a long sex drive than men for a reason.
It takes a man on average 2 to 5 minutes to have an orgasm...But takes a woman 20 to 30 minutes just to get to her peak...why??? To teach the man how to make love to his woman, not just how to hump.
Teach him what you like. Where to kiss you. Where to lick you. Where to touch you. How hard or how soft. You like to talk during sex...great. Let him know how good he is doing. How much you like it. The more encouraged he is, the better he will become.
Then when you hit you peak, that is when he put's it in. Because the whole time he spends turn you on, he will be stimulated, and most likely hard. Then he can finish you both off.
GOD does make mistakes. He created us this way for a reason.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2017): I meant to say:
"The real message; love, compassion, and kindness is almost given a backseat to fire and brimstone."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2017): Coming-up in a Christian-family, I was often reminded of the virtue of abstinence and holding-out for marriage. Being raised by a Catholic-mother; I was constantly reminded of the consequences of "the sins of the flesh."
Being gay, I was very concerned for my soul. She died before I actually came-out. I fought with my inner-conflicts for a long time. I lost my virginity to a female, who was older than I was. Going through puberty, there was no such thing as erectile-dysfunction. However; afterward I was overwhelmed with guilt. Yet I sinned again and again, with girls. Never could connect my feelings, and form a relationship with a female. I later determined why. Referring to myself, not your boyfriend.
I was even terrified to masturbate. At that age, the hormones have a mind of their own, and I did it anyway. When I finished, I was almost afraid to close my eyes to sleep; for fear I'd wake-up in hell. Between school, church, and mom; I was pretty well-conditioned about sex and sexual-abstinence. It was constantly reinforced. I really wanted to be good boy and an obedient Christian.
I think most of his problem is awkwardness due to sexual-inexperience. I'm not going to go as far as to refer to my spiritual-beliefs as "crap;" but "religion" pretty much manipulates human behavior through guilt. "Religion" is man-made; and fundamental interpretations of scripture are often restrictive and quite threatening. So that sort of skews some of the true meaning behind faith and living righteously. So all his teachings are running through his mind; just as I recall they did with me.
"Religion" focuses mainly on what not to do. Carefully calling-out what's wrong, and the dire consequences of sin; but that overshadows voluntary-obedience through willingness to do what's right. So people are so guilt-ridden; they think all being a Christian means is don't do this, and don't do that. That tends to be over-emphasized and drilled into us as kids. They real message; love, compassion, and kindness is almost given a backseat to fire and brimstone. You're supposed to experience love, joy, and peace. Not just fear and guilt. You should feel remorse, guilt, and fear when you do bad things. There are consequences.
I think your boyfriend has been suppressing his sexuality for so long; guilt overruns his thoughts. Being human, he still may have resorted to frequent masturbation as an alternative to actual sex. Maybe he's desensitized from the constant friction. Then there is the performance-anxiety men face; because we're the ones who have to show visible arousal and perform penetration. Wrap all these things into one, and that's your boyfriend.
Your concern, bordering panic, is not helping in the least.
Especially, if you're obviously acting-out the anxiety you express in your post. Any sexually-inexperienced guy would go limp; if his girlfriend looks disappointed, or makes him feel like there's something wrong with him.
I know people in their twenties tend not to grasp the concept of patience. Sometimes people have to overcome a few mental-obstacles before they are able to do something new and unfamiliar to them. Jumping to conclusions is the worst thing you can do to each other. Be tender, loving, and patient. Things will come naturally.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2017): age has nothing to do with it maybe the fact that you both broke the rule of no sex before marriage is putting a lot of strain on him to cause him sexual problems he must feel guilty to of not sticking to the rules ... all you can do is talk and work out if things will change once married
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2017):
 I too was in a relationship where religion played a role, and he had said he wanted to wait until marriage as well. We did wait until we married to have intercourse, but believe me when I tell you that we did everything BUT in the time beforehand.
He is dealing with a lot of crap from the Christian teachings, where he's been told that what he's doing is wrong, that he has to hide it, keep it to himself, feel ashamed because of it, but I would be willing to bet money that your boyfriend is a porn user, and a heavy one at that. His actions suggest that before he met you, every orgasm he ever had during his teenage years was done sneaky to hide it from his parents, God, or whoever. His sexuality didn't have a chance to grow in healthy ways.
Now, I'm not suggesting that people who wait until marriage are sexually repressed and unhealthy, not at all. But his attitude that any sexual urge, any orgasmic relief, anything has to be dirty, shameful, and pornographic is what is repressed and unhealthy.
He may have gone 4 years without sex, but I'm willing to bet he masturbates with lots of frequency to the point where he's gotten too used to his hand and solo sex. That's why it feels like you're having sex alone, because he doesn't know how to make love to you. He only knows how to get off using the most convenient tool, and right now, you're that convenient tool.
Of COURSE he doesn't want to see a counselor because he doesn't want the world to know that he's breaking God's commandments. The last thing he wants to admit is that he isn't waiting until marriage. You can't operate that way.
What you need to do is tell him to grow up. He either is committed to making LOVE to you, which means eye contact before and during the sex acts, communication, some spark of pleasure in not only some faint orgasmic grunt-and-shove, but real pleasure in release with you, and even more so, a desire to please YOU in the bedroom, as you have for him.
Otherwise, either the sex stops, or the relationship does, because he can't be getting sexual if he's too immature or guilt-ridden to even show some semblance of not being a zombie in the bedroom.
AND -- tell him to cut the porn, and then tell him to cut the lying when he protests that he doesn't watch it, because boy does he! If you want a good sex life, it HAS to be honest, meaning no faking orgasms on your end. Ever, and no crap from him about not masturbating with a lot of frequency.
I wonder if he is a porn addict from the way he couldn't last one month on a not-until-marriage purity pledge, yet at the same time act like he's just stepped through the jaws of hell with each encounter. And it is NOT fair to you!
Press this issue, or you will be miserable. It will only get worse. I mean it, do not fake any more orgasms. I know that you've done that before to try to "encourage" more vocalization from him. Don't do it. You need to tell him every time you DIDN'T get there, and help guide him to where he can pleasure YOU.
Why the hell is sex dependent on how hard HE gets or how long HE lasts??? Do his fingers and tongue have limpness issues as well?? Maybe he should be using them on YOU and not worrying about his own Jolly Roger. When he gets his own head out of the game, he may in fact last longer. You won't have an orgasm from his penis anyways if you're among the 80% of women who don't or can't come from vaginal intercourse. Does he even KNOW where your clitoris even is?!??! You should have had an orgasm before he even ENTERS YOU, and that should be just your FIRST one!
I would break up with any guy who wasn't adventurous with his sexuality, and I ended up MARRYING the guy I waited until marriage to have intercourse with! It may have been our first intercourse, but I'm sure it was our 9,999th orgasm! We just worked around the problem and got creative, which really really helps us to this day!
He needs to grow up or zip it back up.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 September 2017):
 I'm assuming your guy is in the same age bracket as you... and at that age a guy should not have these erection problems and premature ejaculation issues unless, of course, there is something wrong physically with him. Going without sex for 4 years, in a healthy guy, means he is hard as a rock and can't wait to get it on, so the fact that it is the opposite with your man suggests another reason that there is something wrong. Could be lots of things that are wrong like low testosterone, no DHT conversion, too much prolactin, no nitric oxide... basically you need to take him to the doctor and get examined to determine what's up with him. There is lot of stuff on the web about these sexual issues in men so I'd suggest you research on this as well.
...............................
|
