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Are we ever going to have a real relationship?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 January 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I met this guy a year ago and we became friends who sleep with each other. He made it clear we couldnt become anything more so, I went off with this other guy for a month.

when this ended he was there for me and I started seeing him again. he said he couldnt trust me though, but, it didnt bother me to start with because I was still reeling from my relationship ending.

Anyway, we continued to see eachother and got closer and I became attached to him until just before christmas he went off with another girl n shattered me. he lasted for about 3 weeks with her and then we started to see one other again.

I tried to end it because I thought he was using me but he has been really genuinely nice to me and hasnt forced me into sex and has treated me with respect.

Are we ever going to be in a relationship or is this going to be a continous merry-go-round that we come back to each other? Is their something between us that no-one else can fulfill?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I had a conversation with him a few nights ago before I went away on holiday and he said I could sleep with another guy if I wanted to. I asked if he felt okay with that because I went off with another guy at the beginning of our "relationship" and he said he was upset about that at the time. he said when I asked him "well your not going to see him and leave me"

What does this mean? Is he playing me?

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A male reader, childof1981 United States +, writes (31 January 2007):

childof1981 agony auntCould you clarify your reply, your sentence structure makes it hard to decipher what exactly is going on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I had a conversation with him a few nights ago before I went away on holiday and he said I could sleep with another guy if I wanted to. I asked if he felt okay with that after I went off with my ex and he said well your not going to see him and leave me, so no.

What does this mean? Is he playing me?

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

DrPsych agony auntI agree with the first post (and the second) - you are mutual safety blankets for each other when there is no-one better around. Some people fear being single and will tag along with anyone just to fill a void. It sounds like the relationship is going no-where - you both see other people. If you are happy with the no-strings thing then fine but you are obviously looking for more. I wouldn't personally get into bed with someone who wasn't prepared to offer at least the hope of a relationship if that is what I wanted. I just think you should leave this guy alone - you confuse his niceness for a romantic attachment; if he wanted the whole relationship he would have told you about it.

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

Country Woman agony auntSo sorry to say it to you but this guy is keeping you in the background as you are always ready to take him back and have no strings sex with him which suits him down to the ground.

If he truly cared for you he wouldn't be keeping an eye out for the next girl to go off with.

Respect yourself more than this and cut your ties from him. If you want friendship keep it as that and that only. No sex and your relationship will change but you would truly see if this guy is still around for you if you stop the sex.

He will always seem genuine and very nice to you when he is after something so just beware that's all I am saying.

Take care and think more of yourself than being second best OK, you are worth more than that.

There is a guy out there who will want to be with you and only you OK.

Here if you need me anytime.

BFN

Country Woman

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

AskEve agony auntI think you are using each other here. HE was there for you when your relationship broke up and vice versa. I think he is just scared of commitment! Continue seeing him as a friend but don't sleep with him. His feelings for you will grow that way and he'll respect and begin to trust you a lot more.

Set boundaries with him as a friend, let him know you view him as a good friend but he's free to see other people... if he wants to, as are you. Although this might not be exactly how you feel, if he DOES really like you then he won't want to see anyone else and neither will you but at the same time you're not putting any pressure on him to be with you exclusively. It's called reverse psychology and it works!!! :o)

Good luck with this relationship.

Eve

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A male reader, childof1981 United States +, writes (31 January 2007):

childof1981 agony auntFirst, the undertone is that you are displeased with your relationship with this friend. You both chose to supplement a lack of sex in romantic relationships with sex from a friendship, which both of you took advantage of.

"I tried to end it because I thought he was using me but he has been really genuinely nice to me and hasn't forced me into sex and has treated me with respect."

I would like to point out that he IS your friend, is there some reason you expect him not to be nice and respectful? You may look at it like you are being used by him, but I think you should consider in other terms.

For instance, if you had a Saturday golf partner and he had a Saturday tennis partner. If neither of you had partners on a Saturday, you get together and enjoy a game of basketball because you both still want to play some sports.

Be honest with yourself about what you need from this relationship, and communicate it to your friend. If you can't handle casual sex between friends, communicate it clearly and work with your friend to "realign your relationship" to an acceptable state for both of you.

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