A
female
age
13-15,
anonymous
writes:There have been many posts on Dear Cupid enquiring about what to do in a situation where a student is in love with a teacher, almost all are from a student perspective. In many questions, they will contain all their 'evidence' as to why they think their teacher may be attracted to them aswell! And when you read it, you honestly believe that this teacher may like them as well. But what stood out to me the most is how many of the posts said, I used to hate him because of his behaviour and now I love him so much. That is a completely clear sign that the teachers are to blame. Students most of the time, hate the flirty behaviour in the beginning, and then they are completely played into forming an attraction whether they are played intentionally or not isn't the point. They form the attraction because of a teacher pulling them in with flirty behaviour whether said teacher is aware or not! And then the student is sucked in, and then they become overwhelmed with infatuation, and then they are obsessive and in love. And then finally they come looking for advice on a site such as this one. Dearcupid, 'I'm in love with my teacher, he might like me back'. What should I do?And people post answer after answer telling the student to stop being childish and immature and that the teacher couldn't possibly, and if anything was to happen then they would loose their job.And then what have we got left, A poor, lost student, sucked in, perhaps manipulated, now in love or completely obsessed or infatuated, now being told that it's their fault and they need to move on. 'Give the poor teacher a break' people say 'You silly child, they could loose their job! dont be selfish'THE TEACHERS LOVE IT!! Attention and admiration from someone younger is flattering. But they forget about the pupil, completely sucked in. They forget what is behind those young eyes. And to the teacher it is nothing but an ego boost that they forget when they go home to their wife and kids in the evening. But to the pupil it is so much more than that.This is my story..I despised my teacher, infact I left several questions on dearcupid enquiring about what to do about his 'advances' I was scared and I completely loathed him, I used to call him names and go on about how much I dipised him non stop! And it made me feel sick thinking about comments he made to me, I told my councillour and she said that I was overly sensitive to this kind of situation and that I should forget it (which in fairness I am) Now, I know that when I am ever attracted to somebody I always convince myself they have absalutely no feelings for me and that it is ALL in my head.So I said to myself 'Right, now this flirty behaviour is making you feel uncomfatable and sick when you just even think about it, perhaps if you convince yourself that you are attracted to him then it wil be easy to convince yourself that he is not advancing on you, and that will be nothing compared to the pain you are experiancing now from feeling sick and uncomfatable in his lessons.'So I did. And it worked, 6 months and 1 day ago exactly I told myself that I loved him, and ever since I have loved him, been obsessed with him, completely head over heels in love. And then any advance I got from him I put down to the fact that it was all in my head because I was strongly attracted to him. But then it backfired, my plan. Then I started to really believe he liked me back, and then there was the pain, the heartbreak of always thinking about him and never being with him. I started to bunk off lessons because I was so irritable and I completely based my life around him. And then, 5 months and 18 days after I told myself to love him, he left. I was and still am devestated, I still dream about him and cry about him.I am beginning to wonder if what I am feeling is real. Do I really love him? Or is it the illusion I created for myself? I've forgotten what it felt like to not love him.And that is what happened. All because of HIM. I wasn't the one in the first place, it was not me. And I know that for a fact! It was NOT me! It was him! And there is no post on here that is going to tell me otherwise. I know that there are so many other people that feel the same way as me, very fed up of being told it is their own fault!And I'll tell you one thing, most of the time we don't need advice, asking a question about it, helps to feed the obsession, it gives you a reason to think about him/her. Even everything I am writing here is part of my obsession, the love I have for him HAS to be expressed to somebody, and here it is.And that is to 6 months and 2 days of loving you Sir.So who's fault is it? I bet everyone reading this who is in the situation just thought to themselves 'not mine!' In my opinion, I think most of the time teachers are at fault for pupils forming an attraction!Comments please with views and opinions. =)Is it teachers or students fault?
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a break, flirt, immature, move on, my teacher Reply to this Article |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, LoveJoy  + ♥, writes (25 July 2008):
 Hey, You are so right!
There are some teachers in my school that stare, wink, flirty smile and even flirt with some of the students, but, sometimes we know its just friendly behaviour, and recent posts suggesting its wrong to 'fancy your teacher' are stupid, in my eyes teachers are just human beings the same as all of us, some good friends of mine are my teachers, this is because they know how to build up trust with their pupils, but, admittedly some of them do take it too far, if you look at some teachers mind, they are so unhappy with their lives and some are such rule followers, its stressful to see. I say let us all live as we are its not that bad as long as nothing sexual actually occurs i think its fine, until you leave school and then its your life...
A
female
reader, missunrequited +, writes (3 May 2008):
 Hey.The point you're making is actually have feelings for one of my art teachers (not just a crush - I've had crushes and this is so much more) So I can understand why people find their teachers so attractive.Also, I've spoken to other people who know me and are in my classes with me, and also some other experienced adults, and the evidence to suggest that my teacher is in fact in some way drawn or attracted to me, is quite strong. Although that's not the question being asked here.The point you're making is a really good one. I think that if teachers do say suggestive things or flirt outright with a pupil, then yes, they can be held responsible for the attraction a pupil forms. The pupil thinks that the teacher is attracted to them, and therefore this can lead to them becoming attracted/infatuated/obsessed.Although, saying this, I don't think that teachers are usually at fauly. If you think about it, hwo many girls, and even boys, become attracted to their teacher or someone in a position of power over them in their lives?Teachers have power, they are intelligent and they get lots of respect - all very attractive qualities. And also, I know fine well it's not the ideal situation when one of them happens to be physically attractive to you as a person.A lot of the time, (my situation included), a student can become attracted to a teacher whether they comminucate with each other or not. Sometimes, teachers will be attracted to pupils, it's only natural, but it's what they do about it that matters. If they give in and make comments and come onto the pupil, as it sounds that your teacher did, then it says something about their character. But it doesn't necessarily mean that it's their fault the pupil has become attracted to them - even though the pupil might just want to blame them so it doesn't feel their fault.Basically, to answer your question, no, I disagree that teachers are very often at fault for pupils forming an attraction, and I don't believe that the pupils are to blame either. I think that it's just something that happens naturally over the 'growing up' period.
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A
male
reader, chocolateTeddy  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 truthfully maybe teachers hold alot of the blame. You can be friendly with your students but you must maintain that student teacher divide. i've had crushes on teachers and I've had teachers hit on me before but it never escalated into scandle we never crossed the line. but what exactly starts this willingness to break the lines of age, law, or teacher/student relations is the real question..
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A
female
reader, babewithbrains12 +, writes (2 March 2008):
i totally fell for my guitar teacher (which isn't illegal by the way for him to have a relationship with me, as its private tutoring....) Anyways we were both really attracted to each other and when something happened it was my fault as much as his. I think teachers will always be blamed because they are meant to be older, more sensible but I wanted it as much as he did...
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (1 March 2008):
 I think when these young kids come here saying that "they are in love with their teacher and he flirts with them" they are just thrown up in the mix of having an infacuation.
Ive never been in love with a teacher but i have been in "love" i denided it then one day i said, its love and she loves me back cus she does this and that and this.
Well a year later im not in love, shes with another guy and i feel stupid i ever said i was in love with her.
As for teachers tempting students i truely doubt any person would train for years, build up a career a life possibly a family just to have a fleeting relationship with a student. Teachers these days are under microscopes from the police, parents and coworkers. They would not jepordise their freedom to date students.
I belive these young kids whom are in "love" feel the need to want to feel special and when the teacher helps them or looks at them, feel he is flirting, when by chance they are doing their jobs, this makes them feel the teacher loves them back, as no-one wants to love someone who doesnt love them back.
I have no idea why so many students are in "love" with their teachers, i cant explain that, ive fancied teachers but always knew i just fancied them. I have alot of respect for teachers as they are unpaid and work very hard and to blame them if someone takes body language the same way is wrong.
There are obvisously some bad teachers put there who take advantage of their position, but thats a tiny number. So i dont think we can blame the teachers for students having a crush on them
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A
female
reader, Tevote  + ♥, writes (1 March 2008):
Sometimes it can be either but in your case i think you're right it wasn't your fault. I think that you might actually feel something real for him, I think that you didn't create an illusion or anything. It just kicked in and ask your self this. Maybe you were only saying you despised him but was it only to hide the fact that you felt something more for him? And you couldn't face it.I was in the exact same situation as you, I thought that I despised him and then after one year of knowing him it kicked in and I said oh my god i'm in love with him. From then on I thought it was an obsession. But finally i realized it wasn't and that it was real. And I didn't know who's fault it was. After another year of being in love with him and being put down by all my friends and saying how discusting it was, he left. I was devistated, completely depressed. I cried for three days straight. And I tried to forget about him but I couldn't, there are certain things that remind me of him. A certain smell that just makes me cry. it's been two years now and at the end of last year I was alright and I thought I had moved on, one day my sister went out to the shops and she saw him there. When I hung up the phone I cried and cried and cried. I thought why am I crying? Because i hated him for leaving. But then I wanted to see him so badly that I wished I had have been there.... I still have that little piece of hope in my heart that he might come back or I might see him again. But then I don't want to because I am so vulnerable around him and I can't controll my emotions.Whatever you think will be right if you think it was his fault then it was. Only you can know that fact.
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A
female
reader, gretchen +, writes (1 March 2008):
 As a student studying to become a Primary School teacher, I feel I should let you know that great measures are taken to ensure that future graduates are psychologically fit for the job. All students must have a police clearance on hand whenever they enter a school, even when acting as a teachers' aide. Additionally, 1/2 of primary teaching students drop out by the end of the second year at university! I am in my third year now, and I would be hard pressed to find a fellow student who wasn't wanting to enter teaching for the love of teaching itself!I fear too many people are influenced by the media's portrayal of teachers being abusive, pedophiles, teacher-student relationships, etc... Of course you're going to encounter teachers whom you dislike, but this doesn't mean they're automatically abusive pedophiles or horrible people in general.I sincerely believe no teacher wants to enter a school and teach so they can enter into a relationship with a student. But the media insists that you know about the rare event in which a teacher decides that they want to exploit their student in that way. I find it disgusting. These teachers are usually suspended and prohibited from teaching for a number of years, or indefinitely, from the point they are caught. The important thing is to report it to the highest level of authority in the school. That is, unless the person involved is the principal of the school, in which case the victim must alert police.Usually schools are very co-operative when apprehending suspect teachers. Did you ever alert the school as to what was going on? I think if you didn't, I bet you wish you had. It would have made your life a whole lot easier. Children make a similar mistake when they are being bullied at school by not telling anybody! If parents insist their children tell them if they are being bullied, what is so horrible about children telling their parents they think a particular teacher is behaving inappropriately?I'm sorry if I went off on a rant there but I think it's a very important thing for people to know. What I really wanted to say is it is neither student nor teachers' fault, unless the teacher is explicitly abusing their power over the student for their sexual or egoistic gain. That being said, if a student ever feels they are being targeted by a teacher in any inappropriate manner, they HAVE to report it to an authority figure for anything to be done about it! People can't just read your mind about such things. Take some action yourself and the snowball will start rolling.
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