A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Now I don’t mean for this to sound shallow at all , but I am really buggered with girls for the past 3 years , I don’t know if I my standards are too high , it just seems the girls I am interested in give me some interested but don’t actually bother meeting me and so that winds me up .Basically years ago , I was lucky to get this girl , she was cute , good looking , nice , kind, non smoker , non drinker and we got on really well, my days she was perfect and I felt the luckiest dude .. but that went wrong in end .It seems the girls I actually like I end up putting off very early , I might even seem too eager because I feel I met someone I might like .Don’t get me wrong I want to meet a girl who I get on with also it’s not just about looks, but the girls that seem to like me I don’t actually fancy that much . I mean I had one gf after the split up who was nice , but the she started coming on too strong and I felt bad as I didn’t like her as much Recently I have met a girl who I found attractive and felt she was cute ,, but she seemed to get drunk too much , but I thought I shouldn’t be so picky , anyway I waiting around for months , with her saying she isn’t ready only to end up her saying she is going to give it a go with some lad.. gah can’t believe I fell for that trick . but I seen it coming.Now it’s causing me an issue as deep down I feel , I won’t be able to get the standard of girl I had years ago and it winds me up.Heck I’m thinking of going the gym and then telling girls to clear off , if I get any interest .Sorry if this post sounds shallow or vain , I’m not a cocky person or big headed. To be fair I lack confidence which doesn’t help or maybe I am just shallow. Thanks if you read
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Do go to the gym - but don't brush off girls who get interested in you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): You don't sound big headed to me but you do sound a bit bitter. I mean getting in shape so you can reject girls because you haven't had much luck so far? That's pretty uncalled for. Why is it their fault that other girls haven't liked you?You sound pretty mad at women because you feel they don't like you, but that attitude will come across to anyone you're speaking to and it's not attractive. So perhaps working on your self esteem and confidence would be a good start? Hitting the gym will also be good, because if you look better then more girls will want you. It's the harsh but true reality of the dating world I'm afraid.Also, I think you need to get yourself in situations where you are meeting lots of different women. Not necessarily for romantic reasons, but just in a friendly sense. By looking for something so specific, you are ruling out lots of people who could be great girlfriends before you've even spoken to them. The lack of options will be why you get over keen when you meet someone you like too. By getting to know people as friends you might just find someone you like. And remember, it takes time to meet the right person but you only need to do it once :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (30 October 2013):
 You don't sound shallow or vain to me. Nor do you sound too picky. Based on the number of submissions we get from people having relationship troubles I would say too many people out there aren't picky enough.
Obviously I'm not there to see and hear what you're doing or not doing and my response will reflect that. However there are a couple of things that do stand out for me.
One is your expectations. Not of individual women but of the dating process in general. Weeding out the incompatible means you're left with fewer candidates from which to choose (and to be chosen by). While this might appear to be a handicap in the short term, in the long term this is an asset. Those with low standards may date more women but they're carrying around a lot more baggage as a result which makes them less attractive to their ideal partner.
The fact that a date did not grow into a life time partnership is not a failure. Many people who were smart enough and fortunate enough to have found their ideal on their first attempt later come to regret their lack of experience (though not all). So view the time you have with someone as an enjoyable learning experience and not a failure.
When you do find someone you think is your ideal, try to rein in the enthusiasm. People can smell desperation a mile away and it's off putting. It crowds people and suggests that you have little or nothing to offer, but are seeking a woman for what she can give you. Smart, attractive, decent women are not so rare that you have to cling to the first one you meet.
The standards you set out seem reasonable to me. Who wants to date someone who is attractive but boring or dimwitted or whose behaviour is bad enough to attract negative attention? We all want that balance.
My advice is give it a rest for a while, focus on other things and enjoy your freedom. You haven't dated in 2-3 years, but clearly it's been on your mind. It's when you're not looking that you're most likely to find someone.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 October 2013):
 p.s. There's a note or bitterness towards women creeping into your post (telling girls to clear off if they do show interest). Keep an eye on that, OP, dating can be just as tricky for girls (women) as you're finding it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): Hello again ,Yes you are right , I did post that the other day. This this does seem to be the origins of my problems , I dont know i am always looking for that spark of interest i guess .And the last one I met worked for us for a brief period , then got sacked so I kept in contact over text for a bit, really shouldnt of .And in regards of meeting women i dont actually meet many at all , unfortunately my good friend doesnt like going out much .I have recently started going the gym again , think i am going to stick to it this time. Just need to look at going to classes of some sort to socialise more. thank you i should know what to do by now I guess.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 October 2013):
I think you posted a few days ago and the general consensus was that you lack confidence?
I'm not sure that you're being shallow. You mention your ex in both posts; you seem to have her on a pedestal and don't seem to be over her. Maybe that's the root of it all?
How are you meeting people? Is it online, for instance with the girl who postponed meeting you and then met someone else? Online is hard work and very, very shallow. It can be soul destroying.
Yeah why not hit the gym, boost your confidence, maybe go to some classes and get chatting with some of the other people there. Plenty of classes are mixed, like Spinning and yoga. Make new friends.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): Hello , thank you for the advice I am the OP , just so you know I havent dumped one girl for another , I actually ended it with a girl because I didnt feel as though I liked her as much and so didnt want to waste her time. After that I have been single .also with the recent girl , I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and waited around for 3 months for her ( to be sorted out ) as she had just come out of a relationship. she didnt even bother seeing me but I tried to hold out , onlt to have her give another guy ago.I actually havent even dated a Girl for 2-3 years now , I dont even get to that stage , they seem to start interest but not go anywhere. I havent even got to the boyfriend stage , I may have gone on a few dates and txt some girls that is it .Just to confirm
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): You do come across shallow and a bit indecisive. You don't seem to have appreciation for the time these women invested in you. You find a fault, and immediately you dismiss them like you're doing them a favor by being with them. I think you need to introspect and look at the way you treat women. From your description, it isn't impressive at all.You fancy this one for the time being; then there's another you seem to like. You drop the girl you're with for some lame excuse; and then try someone else like you're taking trial samples of biscuits at the market; or trying on a shirt for fit. It's like there is no consideration for anyone's feelings but your own. How about taking a look in the mirror, and looking into ways you can improve yourself. You can start by reading your post and taking the time to actually analyze what you've said. You talk about women like they are things, not people. Like a pair of pants that just got too tight, so you threw them out with the rubbish. Not cool, dude!!! Seriously!?You're judgmental. You put a lot of emphasis on how they look; then when the personality doesn't suit you, you instantly dump them. Here's a suggestion. Try meeting a lady and just dating them without forming any commitment. Stop telling these women you're their boyfriend; just to trap them long enough to find someone else. They're not place-warmers while you look for something better. Try serial-dating. Go out only a few times and have fun with the ladies. Mini-courtships to get acquainted. If there is chemistry; then spend more time getting to know a woman. Don't form any relationships. You need too much work. You need to figure out what kind of woman you're really looking for. You don't have clue.Give a woman, you're only "dating"; a chance to show you what she's all about. What "she's" looking for. Give her a chance to meet your so-called "standards;" before she's bouncing on her bum on the sidewalk.Don't define or label the connection you have; until you truly get to know her. Heed the red-flags "before" tagging her as your "girlfriend." If things don't work out; then you can end it without leaving her with a dazed and confused look on her face. Like, what the hell just happened? Most men who go around thinking they're a prize, are a tool!Too bad we don't get to hear their side.You're not setting your standards too high; unless you can't meet them yourself. The tone of your post says you fall far short of what you think you deserve. You need to tweak your personality a little.It's easy to set high expectations on other people. It's harder to be as perfect as you expect someone else to be. Just by your post, you give the reader the impression you are very insensitive. You quickly rush to judgment, and you'll dump a woman as soon as you think you found someone you like better. Or, you find some petty fault that instantly becomes a deal-breaker.You're going to find yourself lonely and rejected. That's the karma behind treating people like their feelings don't matter to you. Like the only one that has to be pleased in a relationship is yourself. That is quite conceited.
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