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Are my parents shallow for using his family’s medical history to keep me from dating him?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2018)
A female Malaysia age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I know I might get judged a little here but I have to get this off my chest and I think you have to admit that it went a step too far.

Since I started uni, I made a promise myself to act mature and make sure that I do the best I can in whatever I choose to pursue in university. and I applied this promise of maturity in my personal life. And my first step of maturing was letting my parents know more about me, like I never really told them anything about my life when I was in high school. But I decided to turn over a new leaf and try to include them more in my life.

So I actually met someone and actually he was someone I met when we were kids and we stayed in contact for years but never gotten close until now. And so recently, he has asked to take me out for lunch and just going out. (bear in mind, I'm not committing anything, just want to start seeing people for now). And so, this is the 2nd time we're meeting up and obviously I told my parents.

Now, my parents started telling me 'oh I still have time to meet Mr Right' and 'oh its okay to meet as friends' and I said okayyyy... BUT my mum went as far as to discourage me to date by saying "you know his family has the disease (dementia), the kids can have it too." I was speechless and really shocked that my mum would say something like that. (info: his father passed due to dementia and I read it's not hereditary only on rare causes). I have to admit I was really upset by it because I found it quite shallow and a little rude to throw a disease to stop me from dating or getting close to him. It's almost like saying "oh people shouldn't date me cuz I have a chance of getting diabetes."

I just find incredibly hard to believe my mum would say something like that. I mean if someone else said that about me, it would sound absolutely horrible! I just didn't expect my mother to go THAT far to discourage me from dating. I am at the age to start seeing people or going for dates. Also, like does it really matter when you start dating? like for e.g. at the age of 19? Does time actually determine when you find Mr Right? I mean, I feel like my parents are constantly telling me to wait, like one moment they ask me to wait till I'm in masters and the next they tell me to wait till I'm working. to be honest, I just think that even if I did start dating someone now, he came into my life for a reason and if he's not the one at the end, it's an experience.

look, I'm not here to bash anything but I just found it incredibly insensitive and shallow to throw a disease in my face to stop me from dating someone. in fact, I feel so sorry for my friend that my mother is condemning him like this before even getting to know him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

Honor your parents?Oh please....You are an adult.That means you get to date who you want when you want.I would wonder just why your parents are really against this guy.Your parents reason just does not cut it.Did your dad have an affair?Could your boyfriend be the result?Maybe both set of parents hate each other for some reason.I would just say mom dad I want the real truth why you have a problem with this guy.There are some skeletons in their closet that is for sure.Hopefully they will not lie to you.Time to play detective.Maybe you and your boyfriend get some DNA tests done.Better to know this stuff now than later.Good luck and let's just hope it is the parents not in like with your parents.But when some objects like your parents are there is always a reason.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

To be honest it is you who is being shallow. All your parents want is for you to learn from others' mistakes before you make your own mistakes. Yes people and families especially in the conservative societies like yours tend to hide what they consider to be genetical flows or hereditary diseases in their family lines which they think can affect their chances of finding a suitable future spouse. For instance I have known families who are predominantly short seek spouses for their ofsprings who are from predominantly tall families. Your mother has been maybe brutaly frank concerning your friend but that doesn't mean she is wrong. She only has your interest in mind. Make it your basic rule in life. Listen to others' opinions with an open mind and then choose what is best for you. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

Poster of this question.

How am I disobeying my parents when I’ve done nothing but straight up tell them where, who and what exactly I’m doin whenever I go with friends (both guys and girls). Also, whenever I do meet up with this guy, they’ve always known because he actually comes and picks me up at my very own home! I wanted my parents to at least see who he is and just let them know how he’s like etc. I mean because he’s a guy, pretty sure they’re a little scared, I’ve asked him to come and get me so my parents can see him. So idk what you’re exactly getting at, saying that I have intentions of seeing him behind my parents back when I haven’t done that AT ALL! And don’t intend to!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 April 2018):

If there is one thing I know about young people your age. Their parents can say whatever they want; when you've made-up your mind to do something, you will do exactly whatever you want to do.

Your mother is a human being. Human beings make mistakes, they have prejudices, and sometimes very awful things will come-out of our mouths. They want perfect grandchildren. Unless your mother and father have had themselves tested for gene anomalies or propensity for diseases; they don't know what they've passed on to you. So ignore what she said.

Your parents are going to be protective of you until they feel secure that you show good judgment, stay committed to your studies, and don't have children until you are mature enough to have them. More so than young men; young women allow relationships to become their foremost priority in their lives. Unlike males, females can get pregnant. Parents are ever-mindful of these things; and when they see you getting older, sexually-mature, and more independent. They will get desperate, clingy, and bossy.

Recently, I have seen similar posts like this one twice before. The same story. Teenage-females wanting to date before getting the approval of your parents. You live in a culture that are protective of your honor and virginity. Fathers would prefer to keep their daughters pure in all cultures. That's what all this protective behavior is about. Keeping you from getting pregnant before you see your dreams come true. Meeting the wrong guy, and foolishly giving him the open-invitation to steal your innocence and break your heart. Leaving you with a kid you have to raise by yourself.

They know you'll do exactly what you please. They're not stupid.

Our parents are total hypocrites. They pretend like they did everything right and followed the wishes of their parents. If they didn't fake-it, we'd throw it all back in their faces and call them out on their hypocrisy. They want our respect. In time, they eventually will admit what they've done wrong in the past; to make sure you don't repeat their mistakes. You're too young for that.

Stop trying to criminalize your mother. She's just doing the over-protective mother routine. She said something that surprised you. Get over it.

You have every intention of seeing your young-man behind their backs. So you can put all the self-righteous indignation to rest.

Love and respect your parents. Try to take their advice; but don't expect perfection from them. They are human just like you are. Everything you say and do won't come from heaven. You will also feel you have a right to control your children, once you have a family. Who's the mother here? She is. So she can say whatever she wants!

Tell your mother you were disappointed to hear her say something like that about the young-man and his family. Don't try to demonize her just to justify disobeying her. Which is what you intend to do. Make her look bad, then you have a right to disobey her. I see through you, young lady!

Make sure you do practice the maturity that you claim you have adopted.

Honor your parents, and be responsible when you decide to date. Boys have one thing on their minds; so to protect your body and mind, you have to be a few steps ahead of them. That's what your parents want to convey to you. You think you're mature? So prove it to them, and yourself.

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