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Are my feelings justified or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 17 January 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm really needed your honest opinions..

My boyfriend and I have officially been together for around four months. we knew each-other somewhat before this, however due to us both coming out of serious long term relationships, resulting in both our hearts being broken, we wanted to take our time to make sure this was the right decision/we weren't rushing things etc.

So here's my question; he's just gotten a new job and had organised a leaving party with his old colleagues.

Now whenever my friends invite me someplace, he automatically thinks he should and can come...however he never invited me, and when I asked if he'd like me to come, he said 'its work you wouldn't really enjoy it..' - refusing to give any further explanation. His old job was for a well known retail giant, and so the vast majority of his colleagues/friends there were female.

I'm a firm believer that men and women can be friends, however something just doesn't sit right with me about it. one of the girls posted a pic of them out on the night and it all looked rather cosy with a certain one in particular.

I would have 100% preferred him to have said the majority are girls who are going so you may feel a little excluded etc, anything really.

The thing is, its playing on my mind and I'm a little upset about it, but I don't want to make it an issue, if it really isn't an issue and it's just me being silly.

if the shoe was on the other foot I know he wouldn't like it. I did joke and say okay so does this mean you wont want to come on any of mine, and he said that's different and he would...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017):

I have a feeling your gut instinct is right and he didn't invite you because he wanted a fun night of flirting with the ladies...I wouldn't like it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

I think I would advocate for giving him the benefit of the doubt this time. A picture is just a millisecond of time & may not really reflect the atmosphere of the party.

Also, what "Serious" posted about work parties is also often true, especially since you have just recently started dating & are not likely to know any of his co-workers well enough to enjoy the get-together.

Just put this one in your hat, and sit on it for now. Keep your eyes open in the future to make sure the not inviting you out w/him doesn't become a trend, and I think you will be ok.

I disagree with the other posters about leaving him out, unless it is truly a work night out or girls night only. Don't you like his company? Don't you want to see if he can be sociable with your friends (and accepted/liked by them!)? You should make an effort to get to know his friends also, so that you will enjoy those outings with him and so he has no excuse to leave you out.

Treat him how you want to be treated & you will have a better relationship than if you start to keep score and act vindictive like that.

I hope you have a long, happy relationship ahead of you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI am going to buck the trend here and say I actually agree with your boyfriend. We used to have works outings to which partners were invited and it was usually hard work.

Firstly, your partner isn't usually on friendly terms with many/any of your colleagues, so you feel you have to stick by their side all night as you can't just abandon them with people they don't know. This prevents you from mingling as you would if you were on your own.

Secondly, there is often work "banter" between colleagues which partners, not understanding the dynamics of the particular work place, may not understand and may even find annoying or upsetting.

Business dropped off at our company a few years ago and money for parties was limited. We, therefore, decided to not include partners to keep costs down for the company. Most of us found this was much more relaxing and, despite business having picked up since, we have chosen not to include partners in works outings going forward.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

Thank you both for the great advice. The leavers party wasn't organised. U the company, they were all meeting at a pub for drinks I could have gone if he'd have wanted me there x

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'd just stick to NOT inviting him to any of your work-dos in the future. IT doesn't MATTER what % of the co-workers are female. Some companies hold "office" parties where partner/spouses are allowed and some, where they are not.

IF he CHOSE to not bring you so that he could get cozy with other girls, you kind of have a problem. BUT it can be that they looked cozy for pictures because we ALL know that people will do that too.

And no HE doesn't get to say:" I go to ALL your work-dos, you don't go to mine - that is ridiculous." It comes down to whether the workplace SUGGEST you invite your partner, if YOU want to bring your partner NOT whether HE wants to go.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

I'm normally posting under slippers but haven't logged in .

Look I agree totally with anonymous and with you ; this isn't right . One set of rules for him and another for you ..isn't right at all .. you don't let him attend anymore girl works nights out he is now official excluded . Some may say you are making more of this for me . You are not !! If he is hiding you from his previous work then you have to ask why ? 4 months isn't long but if you agreed in exclusiveness that means both ways and hey if he likes this other girl .. as I say if someone make you their option .... remove yourself from that equation ..and let the other girl have him .. lucky her eh ..

I would be re-evaluating and not putting all my eggs in his basket

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (8 January 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWhy didnt you ask him immediately why your parties are different and why does he think he's entitled to come to them?

Anyway, now that you didn't, don't bring this up. Just simply don't invite him to your parties and if he wants to go, tell him that it's only fair that he doesn't come with you. Why should he after all when he didn't even bother inviting you to his party?

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