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Are my expectations too high for my long distance boyfriend?

Tagged as: Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 12 October 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Our LDR has been rocky the past few months. He's neglecting abd taking for granted our relationship.

Today is my birthday. I spent the entire morning in Urgent Care because I had extremely bad stomach and back pains in the middle of the night, and even saw blood in my urine. I had messaged him, hoping he'd talk to me, but received no responde until the afternoon, when he woke up. He had a few minutes to chat to see how I was and wished me happy birthday. Then nothing all day long.

After waiting for a few hours, I finally decided to call him, he didn't answer his phone. He called me back an hour later asking what I wanted. I began to get upset, asking why it never occured to him to spend some time with me to share a meal and watch a video or two over the internet to celebrate my birthday. He then got upset and said OK Fine just tell me what you want to do. I said he should be the one to plan it. Then he said OK, let's meet online for a meal and watch a few videos. He said 11pm.. he will be there and be on time. Well, 11pm comes around and he says he will be late, he changed it to 11:30pm. I said forget it.

Am I being too harsh? My expectations too high? I expected that since I'd gone thru such a rough morning and today being my birthday, he would put some heart into it and asked me to join him online for dinner and a video. That if he planned a certain time, and there really isn't anything preventing him from meeting his set time - 11pm.. he will be there and be ready. But not only did he not initiate the request for us to spend time together, he was late and his response was "What's the big deal? I'm only 30mins late. You can wait"

View related questions: long distance, my ex, the internet

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWell, there you go.

MAYBE it has been rocky lately, not because the novelty has worn off but because he feels YOU are pulling away.

And yes, he DOES sound rather immature, which (my guess) is why he has been fine with an LDR. That way he REALLY doesn't have to invest as much (emotionally and time-wise) as "a see each other in person most days of the week relationship."

You started to date a "fixer-upper" but you can't change another person or... date someone with the HOPE that he will GROW up, BE organized and BE the man you'd like as a partner. It's not realistic in the long run.

Even if you don't want kids (which is TOTALLY fine and your choice) WHY do long distance relationships at all?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2018):

You want out, so what exactly is stopping you?

He annoys you and you don't want to be with him, so move on, what do you want anyone on here to say or do give you the green light?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2018):

You have questioned this relationship on here before. You are wasting your time with this relationship, it is going nowhere. Why don't you want a man who is there in person for you? Why have you both not decided to live together and to continue this strange relationship?

Sorry I just don't get it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2018):

I agree with both Aunty BimBim and Honeypie. I need to seriously rethink this relationship.

When we first met he was very attentive and caring. He was never late nor was he forgetful. I've always known that he is a bit immature, he is younger than me. But I've always trusted that he will grow up. He lacks responsibility, cannot prioritize, and pretty much a big mess. But, I accepted all of that because he was extremely caring and attentive and I felt he truly loved me.

A few months ago, it all began to get rocky. I'm not sure if he lost interest in the relationship or he is once again confused and cannot manage his life. Falling off the cliff as my boss would say.. He basically has three things he needs to do everyday but he is so unorganized he can't get those three things right. He's making quite a bit of money selling used car parts. So, basically he needs to wake up, check his email for purchases, go and grab those items (usually 5-6 items) from his garage, pack them, take them to the post office to mail, then stop by the used car parts store to purchase more items. Then he has a 3-4 hour break before he goes to his job at night. This is a very straight forward simple schedule, right? But he can't seem to handle it. He frustrates himself because he needs to drive 15 minutes to a department store to buy boxes every day. I've been telling him to stock up on the boxes so he only needs to go once a week, like on Sundays when he doesn't need to ship. But he doesn't get it, still chooses to go to the store to pick up boxes on a daily basis. He is slow in packing.. 5-6 items put into boxes would take at most 1 hour but it takes him over 2 hours. He gets to the post office just as it closes and sometimes after it closes and he gets frustrated that he can't send out his packages on time. His life is a mess but all that was OK.. because he loved me.

But now, I'm not sure if I want to babysit this kid anymore. When is his life going to come together? When will he learn to work smarter? Most of all, I don't feel his love anymore. He is used to having things his way, his schedule and everyone has to 'UNDERSTAND'.

I've always known I want a more mature man, someone with a stable career, who can walk alongside me. I never wanted a kid who is still growing up and trying to get his life together and I feel like a mommy who makes up for his lack of.

A mature man would've set a time and date for my virtual birthday dinner (facetime while watching a video together). A mature man would've even ordered and prepaid for my food that I can go and pick up (I've done this for him MANY times). At the least, a mature man would be ON TIME and not say what's the big deal to being 30mins late.

He keeps SAYING how I am the one and he wants to move in together, he even proposed to me earlier this year. But I turned him down because I honestly don't feel he is ready and I will end up being his mother if we lived together.

I want out.. because I'm so tired of dealing with this kid.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2018):

Honeypie agony aunt

I agree with Auntie BimBim, it's time to rethink this relationship.

For one, a LDR is RARELY a good idea. The complications from the LACK of spending time together, the lack of intimacy (not necessarily sex), the problem with communications and figuring out WHAT the other person is really saying/meaning.

How long have you been together? If it's more than a year, why is it STILL an LDR? Are there plans to make it a non LD?

When did he start to neglect the relationship? Have you talked about that? Brought it up?

To me, (from the little you write) it doesn't sound like he is ALL that interested in a LDR with you any more, maybe the "novelty" has worn off.

Watching videos with someone else online isn't for me, I'd rather Skype/Facetime/talk if we aren't in the same location. So maybe, he doesn't REALLLLLLY see the point in watching cat-videos with you online (or whatever videos) as a way to feel close. I think the whole postponing the online "hang out" by 30 minutes is more about control and contempt on his end. I can't imagine ANY guy being SO DENSE that he doesn't know that telling his GF:"What's the big deal? I'm only 30mins late. You can wait" is hurtful and a slap in the face.

So I think it was MEANT to be hurtful. Maybe he is looking for a way out?

I think you NEED to have a SIT DOWN with him either OVER Skype/Facetime and TALK about what's going on. He isn't a mind reader and neither are you. But before you have this talk, you NEED to decide if this LDR is at ALL fulfilling and if it has ANY kind of future.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (11 October 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntto continue from my answer below, list everything good about the relationship and everything not so good and then decide if you will continue or break up and find somebody in the flesh and closer to home.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (11 October 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI feel it might be a good time for you to seriously consider if this relationship is working.

Sometimes we need to see things in black and white so I'm suggesting a sheet of paper with two columns, at the top of one write "FOR" and label the other "AGAINST"

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