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Are marriage counselors always right?

Tagged as: Health, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 April 2018) 16 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *rw writes:

I have recently been to marriage counselling with my husband twice now. our last session ended up with us both getting upset and me crying. she told me to go and see the doctor to get help with my anxiety which is due to me thinking my husband is cheating and not trusting him at all. i told her the things he had said to me when i was taking anti depressants years ago which was, have you talked to the wall yet and i thought this was horrible to say it to me since i was feeling very low at the time. he as said other things as well but she didn't pull him up about it and never asked him why he said them to me. i think this is wrong and i felt what i said didn't matter. i don't really want to go on tablets again because they make you tired and you lose your sex drive. she said it would better then me going on the way i am. i don't think its all my fault feeling this way and its only got worst when i found out he had been looking at porn again when he said he would stop and never do it again and all the trust had gone after building it up from last time. i feel she doesn't understand this. does anyone think that marriage counsellors are always right and they know best and should i go on the tablets so my husband can have a peaceful life without me accusing him all the time. im not mad or anything its just the way i feel after finding out he went back on his word and it knocked my confidence again.

View related questions: confidence, porn, sex drive

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI am sorry to hear that and I hope you both have a happy future apart.

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A female reader, orw United Kingdom +, writes (22 April 2018):

orw is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It's all over now I told him I no longer want to be with him. I can't believe anything he says anymore all the trust as gone completely. I can't live this anymore. He as had enough and I've had my fair share of it so no more

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018):

::Who does he think he is?::

Sounds like a bloke who wants his wife to be nice to him. If you cannot stomach being kind to your husband ::week in and week out:: it’s well past time to leave.

If you feel trapped and cannot imagine how to leave ask a friend who has been through a divorce.

If you don’t have a friend like that speak to citizens advice Bureau.

Find a support group for people who are freshly divorced.

You seem to have no initiative or drive and spend your time whining about being stuck. How much of the day do you spend thinking negative thoughts? If the answer is ::all day:: you DO need to speak to your doctor for help.

You are trapped in a prison of your own devising. This means you hold the key to your own prison break. It’s down to you.

Take small positive steps. Start today.

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A female reader, orw United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2018):

orw is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This is orw. I dont think he likes to hear the truth about things and when he is in the wrong. i would walk away and have wanted to so many times. the closest ive got is staying in a hotel for the night to get away from him. i havent anyone i can turn to or stay with so i feel trapped and its my fault for being like this, ive not helped myself to make a better life for me but now i know i need to. i think he would walk as well if he had somewhere to go as well. i feel he hasn't any respect for me and took me for grated for far to long, think he just sees me a someone whos there at the end of the day but i know he would be fine and get on with life without me. he as his work which i dont think he would even take time off from if it hadnt been for me over the years to say about taking a holiday, so i wouldnt say ive had a great exciting life with him and i do find him boring and stuck in his ways. im surprised myself how long this marriage as lasted. he even said he hasn't booked time off because i usually i start on him and its like he as this control to say we wont be going away unless your nice to me and be nice week in week out. who does he think he is.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

It's funny, isn't it. We go in search of advice and we hear advice we don't like and weren't expecting, we automatically decide that person was wrong. But if you only wanted someone to agree with you, you should have just come here first.

There are two strong elements to your problem: your husband; you. That's all. Your husband isn't behaving how you'd like him and slips up sometimes (don't we all? We're human, remember) and your issues and the medication have caused problems too. Have either of you tried to walk away from the relationship yet? No. Do you both want to move on?

That's where the real problems begin. You're perfectly within your rights to not want to take the tablets. If a councellor is suggesting you should, don't just brush those suggestions aside. I'm not saying take the pills, I'm saying a third party is trying to let you know that your condition is probably a stronger factor to the situation than you might be willing to accept.

Your husband may have made mistakes in the past, but being together long term isn't always perfect. Don't dwell on those things, doing so isn't helping your anxiety. He lied about watching porn? Why is porn such an issue for you? Yes, he lied, but did you have a proper conversation about it or did you just lay down the law? Imagine how your husband feels after your visit to the consellor for you to just turn around and dismiss the whole thing. What if they sided with you and your husband disagreed? You'd be mad, or heartbroken- at a time when you thought you were both making an effort to sort things out.

Basing all your confidence on the actions of another person, whoever they might be, is not a good thing to do. Nobody is perfect, not you, not him, not the counsellor. Get more professional help, maybe even alone. You need to get yourself more balanced before you can place expectations on others, but I think you already know that.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly, this is not a good marriage at all. I am sure it is making you both miserable. Why live like this if there is no trust?

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A female reader, orw United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2018):

orw is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Orw again. He is sleeping away from me tonight in the other bedroom, wonder why?

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A female reader, orw United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2018):

orw is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Orw here. we have been together 26 years. yes i have thought about divorce and then the other part says no stick it out see if he learns and changes his ways but i suppose deep down i know he wont. tonight he was going to the shops. he said to me on the way out of the door, dont think im up to something if im gone long. he was gone at least a hour. i had put a few things on the shopping list then he added more. he came back and said a lorry had broken down and he was stuck in traffic. i thought he was taking ages jut to get a little food. he said he had got alot more shopping then what i put on the list and if i didnt believe him to listen to the traffic report. the day before he had took his car in to be fixed at the garage. he sent a text to say he was going to pick his car up. he had to get a train to get there and i received the text at 3 15pm. he got told his car would be done for 4 30pm. he got home at 5 45. said his car was done at 4 45 pm and he was waiting to fill his car up with petrol and that it was really busy where he was with people going to the shops and queuing up to fill there cars up. he said believe what you want. ive told him i dont want to be messed around and if hes met someone then i will divorce him. i dont want to be getting laughed at behind my back. says he doesnt want another woman if we split. but i remember he once said to me, if he had to much to drink he would be anybodies. not nice to say that to your wife is it and he said its just a saying. so no wonder i dont trust him and think hes up to no good

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you feel that your husband is abusive then you should leave him. You would be much happier single than being in a abusive marriage. Have you considered divorce? My guess is that the counselor suggested the tablets for your anxiety which I can understand why. However if you do not trust your husband and you are not happy with him, then end things. If you still have trouble with anxiety then talk to your doctor about ways to manage and cope with it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018):

As a trained counsellor cosca ( in Scotland) we would not suggest for you to go on medication unless you raised the issue and you felt that was somehow a step to take .. we are not allowed to tick people off either but we essential ask them to tell their partner how that made them.feel .. his behaviour and attitude toward you . So he understood it from your view . I think you need did of both good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

Counselors are people just like us, and some of them are really good at their job, while others are phoning it in. Sometimes they aren't good at connecting with particular clients and understanding their issues. If I were you I would bring up to the counselor that you felt your hurt over your husband's statements and you felt his lying about porn use wasn't adequately addressed. If it is hard to do in session maybe write it out beforehand. Counselors are not psychic and can only work with what they are told and see. If she/he doesn't address how you feel and make progress on your concerns in the next few sessions, she's probably not worth continuing with. A lot of marriage counseling is accepting their help with figuring out how to communicate and solve difficult issues without hurting each other, and if either the husband or wife is not on board and trying, it may not work. 90 percent of men watch porn, but the good ones should be able to discuss their sex drive with their wives and work out an understanding of each other's concerns or insecurities about it instead of just lying.

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A female reader, orw United Kingdom +, writes (12 April 2018):

orw is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This is orw. I will not go on any tablets whatsoever no matter what she says. i agree i think he as been emotional abusive towards me over the years and saying things like, have you thought of becoming a mail order bride, unfortunately i have a picture of you in my wallet,and have you talked to the wall yet. he is a horrid man and i have compared him to my father who as said things about me as well but i cut him out of my life years ago. i told the counsellor what names my husband as said but she didnt say anything, its like she doesnt want to know and its all my own doing. she told me to see the doctor and to take him a long with me as she hink it would be good so the doctor can see my anxiety and he can be there to tell her how it is for him. as if i would put myself through that with him. he as done this to me and ive known this for a long time. when i was siting in the counsellors room and i told her i would go to the doctors i realise when i got home that i didnt fight back and say no im not going nor will i take tablets and i just dont trust my husband. she said by getting help it would be better then carrying on the way i am with the anxiety. i know the tablets make you tired and you lose your sex drive so no way i am going on them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

Time to divorce.Your conselor is wrong in many ways.What your husband is doing is emotional abuse.They want you to take pills which can harm your body and brain just so you put up with his abuse.This is so wrong.For many years women would be expected to put up with being abused.Sometimes the doc would give drugs like xannax or Valium and even antidepressants because women were supposed to accept the abuse and suck it up like a good little wife.Well times have changed.Maybe he is cheating maybe not.But he is making you sick.The only cure is to leave him and find a trustworthy man.You should trust the way you feel and act accordingly.And yes conselors are wrong...lots of times.Personally I think you are being gaslighted.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

There are plenty of counsellors who understand the detrimental effects of porn on marriages where one partner is hurt by it and the other promises not to use it and lies

Unfortunately we live in a pornified culture where many people have been brainwashed to think degradation of women is not only normal but fun and that women's feelings are unimportant

I suggest you look around for counsellors who have actually studied gender issues and also the relationships between the porn industry and sex trafficking etc. They will have a much greater understanding of the issues and being much more to the table than a counsellor who just ignorantly follows social trends and promotes meeting men's visual WANTS over women's emotional needs

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

Your husband sounds like a horror. So does your therapist. Do not see her again - please!

Pills do not solve the problem going on here. They never did and they never will. Personally, I would consider divorce. This man sounds like a huge meany and just makes me want to scream and cry... My heart is actually hurting here (I'm very in tune)!?

Dear lady. You've been duped by your husband and a therapist who should be committed!? I can almost hear the evil laugh of the man as you are feeling confused and scared.

Don't be confused and don't be scared. Please!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntOnly you know deep down what is best for you. If you don't trust your husband then tablets are not going to fix that. The things he said to you years ago was bad yes but you cannot continue to bring them up as it won't do any good now holding on to the past. You need to look to the future. You need to figure out why you think your husband is cheating. Looking at porn and having an affair are two very different things. I agree with you that he should not have lied to you about it or promised you he wouldn't look at it. It might be best you try another counselor if you don't think this one is benefiting you.

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