A
female
age
36-40,
*taunton5410
writes:Is it bad to have "Guidelines" in a relationship that the 2 people must abide by? If each one gives the other "rules", Is that a good thing or is that a sign of being controlling? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007): Yeah it's like eddie says, most guidelines are common sense. I have never told my bf, oh we are not allowed to do this or that. I mean certain things are expected of the other if you are in a relationship. And when problems arise that bother either one of you, usually ONLY then, you sit down and talk and relay what you think is unacceptable. Setting rules like that, it's not that it is controlling, per se, it's just that it takes away a little bit from the mystery and excitement of any relationship, in my opinion. Sometimes you don't want to know what to expect. And that kind of makes everything more special. Like when you weren't expecting that your bf's reaction to another woman hitting on him was going to be him telling her, 'hey back off I have a girlfriend.' Or something like that. It makes it so much more special cause you never asked him to do that. He just did it naturally and it's so much more special than if it had been a rule determined by you for him to do or say. And not setting rules, is good, because then you are going to see who he REALLY is and how he really would react in any situation cause he is not restrained by a "rule." And you might find out that his real self without "rules" is everything you wanted or even better anyways. I think that is more special.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Most guidelines are common sense but it often helps to sort out the middle ground. If someone is dictating what, when and how yo should do things, then it could be a control issue. It depends on the details.
Your guy might not mind if you go out but is uncomfortable with you dancing with other men. That is fine. If he never wanted you to go out, then it would be too much. You might be OK with the idea of your guy playing tennis with a woman at the club. You might not want him to meet that same women in a restaurant in the evening for diner and a drink.
WE need a framework to live within. When a relationship is solid there is often more room to grow. If you trust and love your partner, you'll have confidence in them and yourself. If you give someone freedom to grow and experience life, you're a good mate. If they screw it up and cheat, that doesn't' make you stupid for giving freedom. It makes them stupid for abusing it. When yo are with the right person you'll want to see them grow to their fullest.
A corny example. Picture your mate as a flower. If you pick that flower and bring it inside for only you to admire, it eventually dies. If you leave it in the garden to grow and bloom, it reaches it's potential.
When you live within the framework or guidelines that are written with integrity, you'll always be on the right path.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Well I don't think it's particularly common for couples to sit down and write out an actual list of do's and don'ts when they enter into a relationship, but I think most people loosely have some rules they expect each other to follow. Usually they stumble onto them as they come up, and then a discussion (sometimes a fight) solves the situation so that each person understands why some things are an issue and others are not. I suppose if you both think it's a good idea to write out a list, it would take some of the guess-work out of it, but it's a little out of the norm. It's whatever works out for you.
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