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Are all university boys so immature? Do I need an older, more mature man in my life?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 February 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I have recently broken up with my university boyfriend after a year of dating. His hobbies included smoking weed and playing video games, and he didn't go to his lectures or ever have any money. He generally was a caring person who I had lots of laughs with, but our differences became too prominent.

Breaking up with him has been hard, and he has said that my expectations for him were too high and he had to jump through too many hoops. These hoops were me expecting him to be responsible, have an ambition, and I didn't like him smoking weed because to be honest I find it a waste of time.

This makes me wonder, do I expect too much from these boys at university? I am at university myself, but I've always been focused on the bigger picture and doing something proactive. I need someone responsible and ready to grab opportunities but so many of these guys have overflowing student overdrafts and only have interest in partying!

Do they grow up? Shall I just enjoy the party? am I being too serious and expecting too much or do I just need a slightly older or more mature guy?

Thanks!

View related questions: ambition, immature, money, my ex, university, video games

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (21 February 2018):

N91 agony auntMany will be, many won't be.

Without getting to know someone you will never know their maturity level. Also, age does not equal maturity. I think all the aunts and uncles on this site can agree that they've seen many posts from 40+ year olds that you would expect from 14 year olds.

You will just have to keep searching for someone that meets your criteria, there's not much else you can do about it. I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting higher standards than what you were receiving from your ex. Some girls would of been happy with him and others like yourself dont want that.

Not everyone is compatible as you've seen here.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntEDIT (should have coffee before typing my answers, sorry)

I wrote:

"While I agree that you SHOULD have a standard for what you want in a partner. I also agree with your BF. You should date someone like him and then expect him to change to suit your standards."

It should have been:

"While I agree that you SHOULD have a standard for what you want in a partner. I also agree with your BF. You SHOULDN'T date someone like him and then expect him to change to suit your standards.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou know age DOES have something to do with it in many ways, but you can also find guys that are older and still that immature.

While I agree that you SHOULD have a standard for what you want in a partner. I also agree with your BF. You should date someone like him and then expect him to change to suit your standards.

If you don't want to date a guy who smokes weed, plays video games, with no ambition and dodging school - DO NOT date that kind of guy!

I'd say for now, FOCUS on your education. Make friends and enjoy uni-life. You are 18-21 and there is NOT need to find a man RIGHT now. I't OK to be picky and it's OK to know what you want. Just don't try and fit a round peg in a square hole.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (21 February 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntNot ever having money is a given in university, especially if you don't have family help with finances. However, this guy spent it on weed, so that would rule him out for me. There are lots of things to do without money, but I won't date someone who does drugs recreationally. It's up to you, if you will. Don't blame someone for not having any money when they're in university, though.

Focus on uni and your ambitions, less on dating. Yes, most people (not just guys) at uni are there to spread their wings and have fun experimenting with experiences before joining the adult world and working 5 days per week, worrying about bills, repairs, housemates, etc. If you can enjoy the freedom of uni, do. That doesn't have to mean parties, but most people don't focus on a serious relationship at uni because there's plenty of time for that afterwards.

Think if you were a guy similar to you. How easy are you for him to find? Point being that the party people are easier to see (and not want, when you're not like that), than the people less interested in that lifestyle. The guys your age who you'd like are there, they're just harder to find. You are harder to find for them too because you're not a party person. It goes both ways.

Enjoy your uni days as a single person. If someone comes along, give it a go. If not, that's okay because you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't focus so much on dating - focus on university, a job and your hopes for the future *aside* from dating.

And yes, most immature people grow up, but partying doesn't necessarily mean they're all immature (though regularly getting drunk and not going to lectures does). Enjoy what university life offers because you won't likely have that chance again and don't be fussy when people don't have money in uni, unless they spend it on drugs or getting drunk all of the time.

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