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Annoyed with his manipulative ex

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 December 2014) 12 Answers - (Newest, 28 January 2015)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Let me start this by saying that my new boyfriend is wonderful. I'm 34 years old and have never met anyone so perfect for me in all of my life. He goes out of his way to do things for me. This weekend I had to be away for a business trip and he spent the entire weekend cleaning and organizing my apartment for me. I couldn't ask for a better partner! We've already talked about the future, and, where normally that would scare me off, with him, it feels right.

Now, the problem. He was engaged over a year ago to a younger woman, who was generally flakey about commitment and about wanting a future with him. He finally broke it off with her and moved away. Now he's back living in the same city, and, initially, he gave her another chance, but she flaked on him again. Then, he met me, and fell in love with me, and, of course, now she wants him back.

He's very open with me about her communication to him, and has told me on no uncertain terms that she is not a threat to me at all. He says that she has "blown through" all of her chances with him, and that he is in love with me and thinks that I am the most amazing woman that he's ever met.

Still...she seems to like to play the "damsel in distress" card, a lot. She constantly calls him and texts him about her various emotional crises, and, as he has a big heart, he responds and wants to help. Apparently she's had some health issues, and her mother passed away a few years ago, so she tends to play on his sympathies, a lot.

My gut instinct tells me that she's trying to manipulate him into feeling sorry for her so that she can get his attention. I don't think she really loves him, she just wants what she can't have. I think her behavior is inappropriate and it's really annoying to me.

I don't have any reason to believe that he would go for her again, but I dislike the fact that she's trying and that he's being pulled into her shenanigans. What to do?

View related questions: engaged, fell in love, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow--harsh responses. I love how people jump to the conclusion that he's a cheating snake and that I'm some poor, pathetic loser who is afraid of being dropped by him. That's really not the case here. I have confronted him about the situation. The reason that I don't ask that he cut off contact is that this makes it easier for a guy to just say he's doing that and the lie about it. He's even said that he would cut off all contact with her for me, but I told him that I wasn't going to force that on him. He has unfriended her on Facebook, however.

We had a serious talk over the weekend about it, and, while he says that he is "over her", he says that he is still sentimental and hurt over the breakup and that he still cares about her and, as he puts it, "admires her as a person". At the same time, he says that he loves me more than he ever loved her, and he says that he feels more fulfilled and happy being with me. He says that she wants him back, but he has told her time and time again that he is with me and that he wants to stay with me. She has repeatedly asked to see him, and he has refused every time, citing that it would not be appropriate.

I guess the bottom line is that either I can trust him or not trust him. I've been hurt before, so I'm wary. However, as time goes on, I feel as though he's being completely transparent with me, and, although he may still be hurt from what happened between him and his ex, he says that the hurt he feels now is much less than it was when we first began seeing each other, and he believes that it will continue to go away with time. He begs me not to doubt him and his feelings for me. He tells me when he talks to her, and I am with him all of the time, so he's not seeing her. Hopefully she will eventually find someone else or give up on him entirely. In the meantime, I have asked him to consider how he'd feel if I were contacting my ex in the same manner. He says that he takes that into consideration when communicating with her. Still, I do think that even the slightest lingering communication can keep a person from healing entirely, and I do wish that he'd cut off communication. We'll see.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (17 December 2014):

YouWish agony auntYou don't think it's wrong for him to keep contact with his ex, especially if she's trying to get him back, and he's sucking up the attention??

There are only three reasons you would ever think of saying that:

1. You still keep contact with exes.

2. You are in denial.

3. You are terrified that if you draw a line in the sand and outright confront your boyfriend, that he will choose his ex and jettison you.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's #3. You are afraid that if you actually stand up and say "She needs to be gone from your life" like you SHOULD say, that he's going to drop you because deep down, you believe that he is not over her.

You know what?? HE ISN'T! His behavior isn't the behavior of a mistreated ex-fiance. He is still pursuing her! He keeps her around because he is still waiting in the wings for her.

You are his fallback. You are the bet he's hedging. If you were really #1, he would not give his ex the time of day when she comes to emotionally draw on him. He's hoping that she will see the error of her ways and they will marry.

Love triangles are things of soap operas and melodrama. They are poison in real life. What future do you have with a guy who is emotionally attached to an ex-fiance??

He's a "new boyfriend" who still has very strong ties to an ex. You're scared that this perfect guy who cleans your apartment is going to abandon you. Will you draw the line after your first sexual encounter? How about when you start talking serious? What if you're engaged? What if you marry the guy, and on the day you have your firstborn child together, she calls him with a crisis?? You're pushing, and he's rushing to her side emotionally??

I HAD a guy who acted just like yours. I had a crush on him for ages...we started dating when we first went out. His ex made a play for him. He swore up and down that they were just friends. He said everything your boyfriend says now, where he'd tell me about how he valiantly refused to go see her, said it was only friendship, that it was a family issue and that he was doing it because he was more attached to her family than her.

The day I caught them making out with his hands groping her chest is the day I wised the hell up. You need to do the same, or you will be the fool.

You don't get it, do you?? For him to stop "emotional support" *IS* cutting off contact. She's not interested in him helping to fix a computer. She's interested in keeping him around to fulfill emotional intimacy. That is an AFFAIR. You will lose. You won't stand a chance, especially when the new relationship gets old and you were too scared to tell him that three is a crowd.

Honeypie is right - HE is to blame, not her. While she exists in his world, you don't stand a ghost of a chance. You could always hire a housekeeper to clean your house. But a guy who doesn't hold onto baggage is far more important.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014):

Good for you for acknowledging his role in this and taking a stance. Because the reality is that she can manipulate him and push his buttons only because he allows it. If he didn't, she would no longer bother.

I hope you get your point across and he respects your stance and takes action to defend it. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks all for the replies. I do agree that it's his responsibility to draw a boundary with this woman. I don't think that it's wrong to keep in contact with an ex, but when he's still providing her with emotional support, it is inappropriate. She's even asked him to come over to her place, and he told me he refused. He has met up with her for tea. I think I just need to talk to him and tell him that I think that his continuing to be her emotional support is not okay, and that, if he truly wants to be with me, then he needs to draw some boundaries with her.

I'm sure that he still cares for her, but I do feel confident that he doesn't want to be with her. Still, she does know how to manipulate him and push the right buttons to get him to respond. I hate giving an ultimatum, because I'm not a jealous person, but this is just over the line and I think it's important, if he cares for me as much as he says that he does, to put a stop to this early on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014):

He needs to man up and cut her out of his life. If he's truly over her I don't see why the connection needs to remain.

They were ex partners, not friends and so there is too much history for her to be hanging around. He is in a new relationship and so to respect that he should be telling her that she needs to go to her friends and not him - he is not her shoulder to cry on.

It's not hard to ignore messages, if he stops replying and answering she will quickly get the message.

The longer he continues to respond to her the more she will continue, thinking she has got him right where she wants him.

Maybe you need to show him some of the answers to your question. Because you're a woman, you understand entirely this other woman's intentions it's clear as day to us too that she wants him back. He is either naive about this - in which case these answers will back you up and highlight to him that he needs to stop playing dumb and see what she is doing; or he quite likes feeling needed and enjoys her coming to him while he also has you at home too.

If he thinks you are wrong, then seeing clearly here other opinions from other females is going to show him that actually - he is way off the mark and is NOT helping anyone.

Either way, if he is investing in you and your relationship contact with the ex needs to stop. If he's not willing to do so, then he is not ready to be with someone else.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI have t agree with YouWish and Chigirl.

It is your BF's choice to keep her around in his life (and consequently yours). And he does it because HE gets something OUT of this relationship.

I seriously doubt that if she was SUCH a waste of his time, and he was DONE giving her chances that he would keep this women in his life.

I know it is a LOT easier blaming HER for all the drama and for the taking away attention from YOUR relationship, but HE is the one doing it.

The LONGER he LET himself be AVAILABLE to her, the LONGER the this will continue.

It doesn't matter that they WERE engaged, if he has TRULY moved on with you, he should LET her go. And things stand there are 3 people in your relationship, BECAUSE he CHOOSES to keep her around.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (17 December 2014):

chigirl agony auntThe fault lies with your boyfriend on this one. Any girl can try and get with her ex, but a proper guy will end the conract and only have appropriate communication. Your bf seems to act like he is still in a relationship with his ex, taking all her calls, being her emotional blanket, helping her out... Its not his job to do this. But until he is ready to completely let her go, this is how it will be. But do not blame the woman, even if she calls him.. It is your bf who keeps answering.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (17 December 2014):

YouWish agony auntI forgot to add - would he be as sanguine if you had an ex-fiance you stayed in contact with where you kept having long, deep, emotional conversations with?? Would he be understanding, or would he have visions of your body shuddering under his release??

There's a word for that nonsense: Emotional Affair.

Your boyfriend is justifying it, and you're allowing it.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (17 December 2014):

YouWish agony auntHis actions paint him to be a liar when it comes to her.

If she really had "blown through all of her chances", he would have nothing to do with her and would cut off all communication in disgust. The fact that he keeps it open means she hasn't run out of chances, and that you are the afterthought. Don't go into denial about that. He is not over her.

Also, the biggest words of a cheater are "She poses no threat". She wants him back. He keeps her close. She is a threat, and he is disloyal to you by keeping an ex-fiancee close enough to have intimate emotional conversations with.

I do not think you need to be her friend. I think you need to tell him that three is a crowd, and just because he's not currently in a relationship with her does NOT make it platonic. It's a sexual relationship without the sex, especially if she wants him back.

I would not tolerate it in a guy I was with. Just because he communicates of her contact with him doesn't make it right any more than if he communicates having sex with someone else makes it any less wrong. Communicating a disloyalty of your relationship doesn't make him a saint.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014):

you say he is the perfect man for you but he is not, he still maintains contact with his ex drama queen. It makes you unhappy, explain this to him and,ask him how he would feel if you had an ex constantly contacting you. If he does not stop this contact then I would walk away and find someone who does not carry his ex baggage. I would not put up with that and im sure many others would not either. And why would you want to become her friend, no I wouldnt either. This woman is trying to destroy your relationship and hes allowing it. Let her have have then if thats what he wants.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (17 December 2014):

janniepeg agony auntYour boyfriend wants to help her partly because he has a good heart, and I think the other part is about stroking his ego. If she constantly calls him while you are on a date with him, that's disrespectful and he should have not picked them up. Ideally he should have no ties to her. They have closure and her mom died a few years ago. If she treated him badly, like he said "blown many chances," there is no reason why he should stay friends with her. It's true that he won't go back to her but her presence is a reminder that he used to love her so much that he's welcoming her contact.

If he is so nice that he can help you clean the apartment, it shouldn't be so hard to cut contact with an ex, unless he still fancies what he can't have. I would be insecure because she's younger, and what kind of man doesn't want a younger body? If only she said yes to his proposals, he would be married to her, and that makes it feel like he's settling for you.

It is a very reasonable request to ask him to cut contact. If that doesn't work, then become this exes' friend, rather than making her an enemy. Explain to your boyfriend that as a woman you have more tools, more empathy and better listening skills. Also it's only fair that his friends are your friends too. Your boyfriend is using the premise that she's not a threat to continue this friendship. Express your fears that you do see her as a threat, not that she would take your boyfriend physically away from you, but that the quality of your relationship is diminished as he puts so much importance on keeping friendship with an ex. She was a person he used to love, so listening to her on a regular basis is a reminder of what they once had. Since she's always contacting him, it's like there is a relationship for all three of you. She is only going to stop if he blocks her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014):

I was in a very similar situation recently and i know youve said your boyfriend is lovely, i'm sure he is but its him who needs to stop this.

With my boyfriend his ex would often text asking how he was etc and he would ignore her or reply stating its better they didnt talk as hes in a relationship and its not appropriate etc but then she started saying her pet died, then her mum was unwell and then her sister unwell and because he was so nice he would respond, he even met up with her for a coffee. Whilst i thought i had made it clear to him that it upset me i dont think he truly realised until he told me he had met with her and i broke down infront of him and explained how hurt i was and that i thought keeping in contact was disrespectful. Seeing how much this hurt me he messaged her and said that they were over and had been for sometime and that its best for both of them if she finds someone else to talk to as it wasnt appropriate for them to have any kind of relationship, he spoke of how there was no hard feelings and he wished her well but stated she wouldnt be hearing from him. She replied and seemed to accept this and we havent heard anything since.

I think that for your boyfriend to keep in touch with an ex is disrespectful to you but i think you need to explain to him that it upsets you and that you would prefer for it not to happen. If he loves you then he'll stop all contact with her if thats what you need. He needs to take responsibility for this. Hope it works out.

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