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An affair with married man who gets caught but still wants affair?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 January 2012) 14 Answers - (Newest, 23 January 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I already know what people will say about my relationship with the married man I am seeing. I feel bad and have ended it more than 4 times now but he keeps wanting me back. Here is my story. I have known this man since we were kids and dated in high school. We broke up, and in the years that followed we have been having affairs off and on for years. I got married in 2002 and stayed faithful to my husband until we got a divorce 7 years later. The man I am having an affair with is on his 2nd marriage and we have had an affair thro both marriages. I have ended our affair more than 4 times. He has no kids with his current wife. His current wife found some text messages we both sent to each other and the affair ended breifly. He wanted me back as soon as things cooled off. Then a few months later a relative of his confirmed we were still having an affair. He said she went crazy. I told him it was really over. A week later he calls up and wants me back. I so dont understand. Why in the world would he want me back after getting caught not once but twice? I don't know what is going thro his head. I know Im stupid for taking him back, i guess im just lonely from my divorce. He has nothing to offer me but wonderful in the sack and is very cute. He has no ambition, deadbeat, and not a good role model. I dont want him in the long run cuz I dont want to live like he and his wife are living. I seen their house its like a tornado hit it so she don't clean, she dont cook, she treats him like crap, and she doesnt give him what he needs in bed. i don't understand why he doesnt leave her. From what his family has told me that she is crazy and has tried to harm herself when he did try to leave her. What I really want to know is why does he keep coming back to me?

View related questions: affair, ambition, broke up, divorce, married man, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012):

OP, just to clarify: i love, respect, and am faithful to my man. Have always been. WILL always be..why? Bec this is a choice i have made.

I am celebrating 20 years of Faithful marriage: on Both sides. So if my hb and I can do it, im sure there are other couples who can and do. Just requires bloody hard work !

OP if u believe it, u can change it. So yes believe u deserve better and work towards it.

LoveGirl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have been on the other side of the fence. I was the one who ALWAYS was faithful in ALL the relationships in my entire life. The men (boys) were always cheating on me! I have been the good girl in my life. From what my bad experiences have taught me is that no one in the world "loves", "respects", or is "FAITHFUL" to their partners these days. That's why the divorce rate has gone up to 80%. So you can't beat them, join them. If the ones that have dumped on me could actually seen the hell I have been thro, you wouldn't dump on me. Now when it comes to my lover im just asking for help to walk away. I know there is no future for us. I just don't want to be alone and have some kind of affection and intimacy. Even if it is a damn lie.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

op have u heard of KARMA and the consequences when you deliberately cause pain to another. i know i shouldnt saythis but it is only a matter of time before that wheel

turns.

why does he run back? very easy: you give him free, cheap sex, anytime he wants and u are at his beck and call. perhaps, just perhaps, if u possessed some sel respect and some moral comapss then u may decide to finally weean yourself from the good sex.

u can end this IF you really want to. seems like u LOVE the drama and the chaos . u thrive on it. your words DO NOT match your actions and no matter how much you belive you are sorry and u feel bad for what u are doing, your actions prove otherwse.

DONT expect this man to be with you when his second marriage end.

i find it alarming that you are just using this man to pass the time while u get over your lonliness and divorce. think realitiscally, if cheating is part of your moral compass it is going to ensure that u do not move on and you will never get that happy ending you think u deserve (hey we all deserve a happy ending but we sow what we reap)

all is not lost: u can change. you need to want to change: that is the difference and right now there is NOTHING inyour behaviour which proves otherwise.

LoveGirl

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

He keeps coming back because you are a sure thing. When he's horny and wants some excitement, all he has to do is give you a call or text for some guaranteed results. My married lover will never leave me either because I give her all the good sex, affection, and physical perks that she doesn't want from her husband. I get what I want too about three times a week for the last two-three years.......Humans are pleasure seekers and it's hard to forgo a sure thing when you can get away with it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

This has gone on long enough. Sneaking over at night, not feeling right about the situation. This is nonsense. You have a child. You're sole purpose should be providing safety and support. But you're actually endangering your child. Has it ever occurred to you that your situation can become very dangerous? Hello if she is crazy that means stay the hell away. You have too much at stake to lose. Have u ever thought about if anything were ever to happen to u, how it would affect your child? All I'm emphasizing is you have a child watching you, so try to make safer wiser choices. Yes you are important and so is your happiness but it shouldn't come by comprising your family security. I don't understand how u can be so oblivious to the detriment you're causing not only his family but ur own family. If their marriage is already in shambles then have the decency of a virtuous woman to stand by until they are divorced to get ur needs met. You are wrong on so many levels and you need no one here to console and comfort u. The only thing u need know of is guilt and respect, feel bad for what you already have done and move on from them indefinitely to respect what's left of their marriage. I'm sure at least one other man who is cute will probably find u attractive. Best wishes

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We met up with each other yesterday at his house and we talked for a little bit. He "claims" to want to be single again and doesn't want to be married ever again. I feel the same way. He says he wants to go have a beer with friends, go to the movies, just basically have some alone time without his wife freaking out. Her family is trying to convince her to move back home and his wishes she would. He plain out told me he wants her to leave him. He is getting tired of her. He is not being careful with our get together. Most of the time I hide my car when I go over but lately he wants my car right in front of his house. He don't care if he gets caught any more. Im starting to feel uncomfortable with all this. I really need to end it with him. I really don't want to but I feel like its the best thing to do. Im not trying to dump on the wife, im really not. Im just telling what i know and what i hear. I do feel bad for her. I just don't know how to REALLY end it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

he doesn't leave her because he knows it will be messy if she's crazy and tries to harm herself. a woman who knows her husband is cheating and instead of kicking him out just 'goes crazy' and tries to harm herself to get him to stay..that woman has serious issues of her own. She's needy and dependent, she needs to be in a marriage so she won't leave him no matter what but not because she loves him but because she needs what he provides for security. So instead she just 'goes crazy' to try and control him to not hurt her anymore through his cheating. and he doesnt' leave her because he knows it will get very ugly so why would he want to even go there?

I think he's found his own equilibrium where he's comfortable or at least can manage his life. He has figured out how to manage her and keep her off his back most of the time, and at the same time he's figured out where to go when he needs some comfort and intimacy (you). Why should he leave her, then? that would be a lot of work and it will be ugly so it's easier for him to just stay with her and keep you on the side since she's obviously not kicking him out and you've always, for years, continued to accept this arrangement.

you should just disengage yourself from all this mess. They are both train wrecks. And right now you are too because you're in this as well. You need to save yourself by extricating yourself from this mess and moving on and not looking back. You've been seeing him on and off since high school so this has gone on long enough already.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

"What puzzles me is why they don't leave each other if they are miserable?"

Because even though they are bad for each other but still they need each other for other things.

Just like you and him are bad for each other but you and him need each other too.

he gets his different needs met by different women. Some by you, some by his wife. he's such a train wreck that he needs to involve this many people just to keep going.

"And why can't I just walk away?"

I think by now you've convinced yourself that you need him. he's always been part of your life and you can't imagine what it's like to no longer have that so you cling to him.

or maybe you have a 'rescuer' mentality, i.e. you're co-dependent. You're drawn to the idea of being the rescuer of someone who's broken who you have an attraction to, and 'fixing' them and then finally you will be happily ever after. The pursuit of this goal, which you believe is attainable, keeps you emotionally invested. you feel a sense of commitment to your ideal future together. But this isn't good for you.

I think if you left him for a long time, and opened yourself to new relationships with men who have their life together and are not a train wreck, you will probably eventually feel just as close to another man as you do with this guy. And then more. you just have to open the door to that to see what you are missing now, and for that to happen you first have to leave him behind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012):

Why are you so jealous of his wife? Is it bc u want him. Yes, u say you love him so is that the reason you have spoken ill of his wife. You're getting exactly what u deserve......nothing. if this guy has so many failings and is married n u still after him then it is u to blame. Pity not the wife, pity yourself that you've been wasting a decade of your life loving longing and never being happy by the man u love. It isn't your business why she or he hadn't left yet he and she are still married so there should be no you in the picture. A dog will always return to his home when he knows there is food there. This man is using u but that you already know. You're just desperate enough to get whatever he will offer. Do u still pity the wife? She only loved her husband and tried to make their marriage work.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012):

The two of you go back a long way. You have a shared history one way or another. You obviously give each other something you don't seem to get elsewhere. But you know that you do not have a future together as a couple. You are a free agent and maybe it is for you to call a halt and just look for someone who totally suits you. It will be hard, but either you accept these brief episodes with him or just move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok the real truth of my feelings toward this man is that I have LOVED him since we dated in high school. No one ever compared to him, not even my ex-husband. I want him in my life, but I don't like his lifestyle. There are so many differences between us. I am independent, hard working, have a son that I love more than myself, pays bills on time, no drugs, don't drink or smoke, and loves wholeheartedly. He barely works, mooches off his family, don't have the responsibility of paying bills cuz parents do it, smokes weed everyday, doesn't take care or have a good relationship with his 2 daughters from his 1st marriage, likes to cheat on wives, and just basically does not want to better himself. I don't know why on God's green earth would I love a man like that. Its just when we are together, feels like nothing matters anymore. That hearing of his heart beat with mine seems so amazing. I know he don't feel the same way about me. I can NOT and will NOT comit myself to him cuz the way he lives. I feel bad for his wife, I really do but if she sees it then why don't she leave? I know most of what he has said about their marriage is true cuz I've seen it. What puzzles me is why they don't leave each other if they are miserable? And why can't I just walk away? Im more confused as ever. Should I just sit him down and tell him how I feel and walk away or just walk away?

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntMaybe it's time to see him for what he truly is and ask yourself the questions you've been avoiding, such as:

1. If he's had two marriages, yet has had an affair with you throughout both marriages, why weren't you good enough for him to pursue as a potential marriage partner, especially if you never cheated on your own husband?

2. If you don't want him in the long run because you don't like to live the way he and his wife are living, don't you think you had a hand in the state of their household by undermining their marriage by sleeping with him?

3. By God, aren't there other cute guys out there who are good in bed who don't treat those they profess to love enough to marry like sheer garbage? You're worried about his wife treating HIM like crap when he leaves a path of unfaithful destruction wherever he goes?

4. What do you get out of this? No one allows themselves to be used and consciously picks on a loser and a deadbeat and not a good role model unless they're getting specific emotional needs met. In your case, you get to pretend to have intimacy while at the same time you avoid the hard work of a real relationship.

You wouldn't be here if you weren't already knowing that this relationship you're in is making you feel lonelier and emptier than ever.

You really want to know why he keeps coming back to you. You should be asking yourself why you keep going back to him. Your "breaking up" episodes don't mean anything if you reverse your decision.

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (18 January 2012):

because he's weak and has issues of his own that hold him back from solving his personal problems and making hard decisions and following through. he is probably miserable in his life and marriage but his approach is just to seek immediate comfort through the path of least resistance. Improving his marriage, or ending it, is not the path of least resistance for him. So that's why he keeps coming back to you, because you provide easy and quick comfort and by now there's been a 20+ year history of that so he's accustomed to it.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (17 January 2012):

Because he can. You let yourself be used by a man like this, and if you continue, he will continue.

Pity the wife - imagine how hurt she must be. Perhaps the best thing to do is end it before she does something really stupid and you get dragged into this mess even more.

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