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Am I wrong to get involved with an engaged man?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 March 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok...heres the 411

Theres this guy...ofcourse...we get along great, we're in the same line of work, and when we're together all we do is laugh. I've been single for a while and I'm really picky. Its rare that I like someone. All this seems too good to be true. Right???

WRONG!!!.....He has a fiancee...lovely.

Shes actually really great...shes like the personality replica of me except ugly and a lil chunky.

We haven't known each other very long but now hes trying to set me up with his fiancee's brother which either means that he likes me enough to set me up with someone hes close to OR maybe he wants to focus my attention elsewhere so that nothing happens with us seeing as we work in close quarters just the two of us all the time. I even have dinner with his family and his fiancee regularly.

And get this...he texts me at 2am to "talk about work related issues"....EVEN on weekends when we're not working!

I haven't pursued anything because of the circumstance but some ppl are telling me not to pass it up. I don't want to be a home-wrecker but I mean what if hes marrying the wrong woman!?

I don't know what to do! Any insight?

View related questions: engaged, fiance, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2011):

Honeypie agony auntI think MORALLY YES, it would be wrong getting involved with him. And set the morals aside, would you really want to start something with a guy like that? If he is willing to cheat on his Fiancee, do you really think he wouldn't do that to you at some point? You might be more aesthetically pleasing then his Fiancee, but it doesn't make you are better or "bulletproof" (cheating proof). Also, I'm pretty sure his family would harbor some pretty strong resentments to the attachment. And to think of how SHE (his fiancee) might feel when her heart is broken and stomped on... Not so lovely.

I'd keep it strictly professional. I would NOT answer 2-3 am texts or phone calls, whether he claims they are work related or not. I wouldn't go out on a date with someone he picked, he's a colleague, not a "friend". And again, AWKWARD if it doesn't work out. Might I also add that dating in the work place is rarely a good idea. The phrase crap where you eat comes to mind.

Sometimes, we all need to stop and think about the consequences of our actions. Think before you speak and think before you act.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011):

Yes you are. And he is trying to tell you, but giving mixed messages. How would you feel if he did the same to you as he is doing to his fiancee?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 March 2011):

chigirl agony auntI find it amusing how the other woman always find the fiancee, or wife, of their "dream man" to be a woman less worthy of their dream man than themselves.

But of course, you're objectively saying this right? And you can't for the love of whatever holy understand how he'll want to be with a woman so ugly, chunky,(add other insults here), when he could have had YOU. Right? Because this seems to be the typical way a woman in your position rationalize her thoughts. The fact that should this man actually get involved with you, or someone else, he'd be a cheater, goes by without recognition.

Listen, if you got with this man while he's taken... then I can almost guarantee you he WILL get with another woman as well while with you. If he was to cheat on his woman with you it says NOTHING of how a great and wonderful person you must be, because you are supposedly so much better than the original woman etc. No, what this action would mean is that he's got low morals, is prone to cheating, and takes the first and best thing that is tossed at him. It degrades you, it's not something you should take as a compliment. It's actually an insult.

If he's a decent guy he wont touch you or come close to you, and you should be happy he didn't.

Just the fact that he flirts with you I'd find insulting. I mean what does he think you are? His lap dog? Why is he sending you texts at night, expecting you to wake up and reply? Exactly what is the point? Perhaps you should tell him it's unprofessional, and you certainly should not reply. It could also be he just lacks the social antennas to understand that texting in the middle of the night is generally unacceptable.

Leave him and his relationship to him. If the woman he marries is the right one for him is most definitely not up to you to decide. And if this grown man is incapable of making the decisions that are right for him.. well what would you want with him then anyway?

You said yourself you haven't know him for long. So don't build castles in the sky, don't start to glorify him. Move on to find yourself someone available, and don't sink so low to make yourself "the other woman" or his second wife. I am confident you are not that desperate for male attention, are you?

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A female reader, SillyB United States +, writes (14 March 2011):

SillyB agony auntWell, you have to realize that he see's something in his fiance that you might not. He wouldn't have proposed if he thought she was ugly. And, what you call chunky, he might think is perfection. You just never know. When it comes down to it, for him to have proposed, he must have thought of her as the ultimate woman for him. Guys don't propose unless they are 100% sure this is the right thing to do.

So you're cute and funny. So is his fiance, the difference is, he has a long history with her, he loves her and respects her enough not to pursue you. He hasn't broken his engagement and asked you out. He's treated you like nothing but a friend/close work buddy. The day he breaks his engagement and asks you out is the day you will know exactly how he feels about you.

Till then, he's going to do whats right for him. He might see your merits, but he has a history and loves his fiance.Let him make up his own mind - although he seems to have done this by asking another woman to be his wife! My advise is not to pursue this - if he realizes that you're the one for him and somehow better than fiance, he will break off his engagement. Until then you can just assume that he likes you as a friend.

He's setting you up with his friends because he likes you and thinks your a great catch...for one of his friends (not him). Don't read too much into it. If he really wanted you, he'd be chasing you and breaking off his engagement.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011):

I've had this happen to a friend very close to me, and trust me, you do not want to play with this man. If he's engaged and wanting to fool around with you, you know right off the bat that he can't committ, doesn't know how to love, treat, or respect a woman, and isn't man enough to end a relationship that he's not invested in. Perhaps that kind of man is okay for a fling, but if you're planning to get emotionally involved at all, you will be tying yourself to a man who can't commit to a woman, respect a woman, or think ahead about consequences. In other words, the fiancee that gets screwed over will very soon be you getting screwed over in favor of yet another woman.

My friend's fiance cheated on her multiple times, and she dumped him. He lost all of his friends, spiraled into deep suicidal depression, and lost the woman he loved. The girl he cheated with became an object of shame and scorn among all who knew (do you want that to be you?)

Long story short: You have two options:

1) You're misinterpreting what this man is saying. He could be friendly. He could be a flirt without serious intention. He could be looking to use you. In any of these cases making a move would not lead to a relationship, but to a covered up one-night stand at most. If this is the case, withdraw from any flirts and look for a man who deserves you.

2) He does want an affair with you. This is the worse of the two options because it shows just what a horrible person he is. Get ready for lack of commitment, lack of respect, lots of sneaking around, and the inevitable shameful reveal and loss of friends and social status. In this case - RUN! Cut off anything flirty - be just friends or just business. Look for a man who will put YOU first - not a fiance, not any other woman in his life. Then you won't have to be the one eventually jilted, as his fiancee may someday be if she is hitched to such a man.

Good luck!

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