A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together getting on for five months now and at some point we have had a chat about the sexual experiences we've both had in our pasts. My girlfriend has openly talked about how she enjoyed oral sex when her ex's have performed it on her, but when the subject has come up of me doing oral sex to her (as it's bound to at some point) she comes up with reasons not to let me, eg: she generally doesn't like it and in the past people have had to restrain her for her to allow them to perform oral sex on her, she's been bitten down there and it really hurt her so that is the reason she doesn't like it now, I have facial hair which she doesn't want near her down below area because it will be too uncomfortable for her to receive oral sex, now the latest is she claims when she has a shaving rash down there, it hurts when someone gives her oral sex and it bothers her to know the rash is there. Am i in the wrong for feeling hurt and like I'm less important to her compared to the other people she's had no issues with allowing to perform oral sex on her, or am I being insensitive to her reasons why she won't allow me to do it? She's mentioned how in the past her ex's have brought her to great orgasm while performing it on her, she only allowed me near her private area with my tongue the other week for about five minutes if that, before she pulled me away and proceeded to have ordinary intercourse with me instead. What's so special about her ex's why she won't seem to allow another man give her oral sex or is it just me she has the issue with? Every time we talk about it she throws some different excuse at me why she won't let me and it ends with me becoming irritated and saying something hurtful to her like she must have feelings for her ex if she wants him to be the last man she allows to give her this experience. Or she's just being disrespectful telling me how much she enjoyed it when her ex's have done it to her yet she won't allow me to do it to her etc... I'm becoming tired of this now every other time we have sex.
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her ex, oral sex, orgasm Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 December 2014):
Dear OP,
This is just a blind guess.. but..
..could it be that your technique is not the best? And that you're continuously ignoring the hints of your gf? That you're too careless to shave, cut your fingernails, that you're too rough and insensitive? And that she's too afraid to tell you how she'd like it, because of your bad temper, irritation and lack of empathy with her?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014): Tell your GF that you really want a ______ for your birthday. Talk about how much you want that item at great length.
When she gets it, tell her it was the wrong thing to buy you. Tell her that a better GF who paid more attention to you would have read between the lines, ignored what you said, and bought something else.
Same principle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): You should be hurt that she is discussing her past sexual history with you. I would never do that just to avoid this exact type of conflict. Now you feel all insecure, naturally so, and what's to gain from any of it? But to carry on in a relationship feeling inferior and not feeling fully happy because of it.
The fact that she gives you a different excuse each time you ask points to only one thing: she is not being honest. If she was being forthcoming, she'd tell you "I don't like it for x reason." And she'd always give you the same reason.
Maybe she is having an issue down there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 December 2014):
 I agree with Peppe. You are so focused on what she DID with other dudes and some weird sense of entitlement to HER body, because YOU date her.
IF she doesn't LIKE cunnilingus (you going down on her) then WHY is it a MUST for you to do it?
Personally, I don't like it. Don't want to do anal either. There are SO many other ways to please a person, FIND out what tickles her pink and GO for that. NOT every girl is the same. Not every girl likes the same things.
If she doesn't want a FINGER in her vagina, then respect it. It actually doesn't DO anything for a girl. The clitoris on the other hand can be played with (if she will allow that)
Some girls are worried it doesn't smell "good" enough or taste good enough and that it's a turn of for a guy, and thus they rather no do it. Some feel that it is VERY intimate and submissive and they don't like THAT.
If you can't let it go, and respect her feelings and wishes, then LET her go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 "all she's ever done is gone on about how great it's made her feel in the past"
But she's not done this, you told us yourself how she also said she had to be restrained, and how she was bitten. That to me sounds like a very bad experience that was not at all enjoyable. It's not an excuse, it is a REASON. Having been physically hurt through sexual acts does not make you want to repeat such acts. It's not an excuse, it is a solid reason. An excuse is when you make up some reason for not wanting it, but it's not an excuse when you actually have a solid reason. You are showing her great disrespect by calling it "excuse after excuse".
You can't imagine an ex sexually assaulting her? Well good thing then you're not a special victims police investigator. Just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean it couldn't have happened. You're not the judge of that, nor are you psychic and can tell all that has ever happened to her. It's been five months, that's a short time. If something actually has happened to her, in the form of sexual assault, then I would not be surprised if she hasn't told you. Especially seeing as you play games with her and use emotional blackmail such as "you must still love your ex if Im not allowed to do this and that to you", meaning she has to PROVE to you that she's over her exes, by letting you do sexual acts with her that she's not comfortable with. Do you realize how bad this is?
You need to step down and let this be, without further pushing the matter. If you need oral sex and a girl that lets you finger her, obviously this is NOT the girl for you. End the relationship and let her be, or drop the issue and respect her boundaries.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): She barely let's my hand go anywhere down there either, even with underwear on. Her excuse for not allowing me to finger her is that someone with long nails cut her inside in the past and this is why she won't allow me to do that either. She said when people have done it in the past she's referred to ex's giving her oral. I can't imagine them sexually assaulting her, and more so her enjoying being assaulted sexually (unless she's one of those women who like brutal type sex which she's never come across as).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): How can she dislike oral sex when all she's ever done is gone on about how great it's made her feel in the past? It's like if she wanted to give me oral sex and I've told her many times how great it makes me feel when my ex's have done it for me, yet I refuse with excuse after excuse after excuse to allow her to do it, I'd imagine she'd take that quite personal. Even if she didn't let it show that it bothers her I'm sure it would deep inside her heart.
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A
female
reader, Ginger fish  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Take the advice of Chigirl because she makes a point a very vaild point. If you want to be able to have the joy of performing on her perhaps give her time, show your self to be a true gentlemen. Let her know she can trust you instead of trying to pressure her in to it and throwing a tantrum like a spoiled brat because you you don't get you're own way
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 December 2014):
 I agree with chigirl. 100%. Her body, her rules. End of story. You should respect her boundaries. Oral clearly makes her uncomfortable. Stop pushing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): Hypothetically, lets say in the early days of getting to know her, your GF talked a lot about how she loves to shower gifts on her boyfriends. Spending lots of money, going out for nights on the town with them, vacations, etc. Then when you become her BF she suddenly won't do any of that stuff with you. Her income has not reduced or anything, she just says she doesn't want to do those things with you now.
She has every right to do this. It's her life, her times, her money. But the fact is this will leave you feeling very hurt and second best. Anyone with half a brain can understand that.
Another way to look at it is "bait and switch". She presents herself one way to get you interested and then changes her tune once she has you reeled in.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 December 2014):
You're in the wrong. Don't be so self entitled. It'd her body, just because someone else was allowed to try it before doesn't give you any rights to do the same. She doesn't like it, and what do you know about how frequently she allowed it with former boyfriends? You don't know anything, you're just assuming, and I believe your imagination is running wild. Just because she told you some small information one time doesn't make you an expert on her sexual preferences. She obviously doesn't like oral sex, and my bet is that she did NOT like it with exes either. But probably just wanted to brush it off when you first asked about it, since people generally should not discuss previous sexual experiences with a new partner.
Maybe one of her exes was great at oral, and then another came along who bit her. Wouldn't you be scared of putting your penis in the mouth of someone if you've been bitten before?
Just ask her though, why she's so reluctant to have you down there. But my guess is: you need to SHAVE. I love facial hair, but Im not exactly enthusiastic about giving my delicates a run over with sandpaper. It hurts, is uncomfortable, and how am I supposed to enjoy anything when all Im focused on is trying not to ruin the mood my saying "ough!" all the time. Better to just not have him down there, then.
Btw, I sincerely advice you to stop being an asshat about this by throwing remarks at her when you get offended she wont "perform" the way you like. Her body, her rules. No means no, respect that. She's got her own reasons, and to be honest you do not have the right to know it all, if she doesn't want to tell you. You're lucky you haven't been dumped, because if a man accused me of still having feelings for my ex.. well, he'd be my new ex. Because that's crossing the line.
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