A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:Hi guys,This could be a bit of a long one but ill try not to waffle too much.Bit of a backstory:Got myself into a huge pickle with a girl, we're not speaking anymore but we were doing for 2 years, it started out both of us wanting something casual and I ended up falling very hard for her. I ended up asking her to get together to which she declined as she doesn't want a boyfriend (she's going travelling next year so doesn't want any commitments). That was about a year ago, since then we've had numerous fallings out and getting back together which pretty much brings us to the present day.Now, last week we spoke for the last time basically saying were both upset and how much it sucks, but it's for the best. I told her I needed a few days to think about things and I'd be back in touch because I had more to say. Now I thought about it yesterday and I actually don't have anything to say and up to yet still haven't messaged her. She's probably going to think I'm being a Dick because I said I would 100% be in contact. I feel as though I left it too long and there's actually no point messaging her and bringing it back up when nothing is going to change. Do you think that's fair enough? We also attend music events and festivals together with the same friend group sometimes, we went to one last weekend where we barely spoke and my friend told me she was upset about it which is what prompted me to message her last week. She basically said that when in person she would like to speak to me normally, I on the other hand am bad at dealing with stuff like this so just tend to ignore her completely, to which she said 'it was like we didn't even know each other' Does it sound like I'm being bitter? That she wants to be friends and I don't ? Because I really don't think I'd be able to keep it together if I found out she was meeting a new guy whilst we were friendly with each other. Also, most of my friends go to a pub where she works and I never go just for the fact that I can't be bothered having to see her because it feels so awkward now. I guess I just want to know whether people think my way of dealing with this is acceptable. Because I basically blank her whenever I see her and I'm not planning on messaging her back when I said I would do and it genuinely is like we don't even know each other anymore, we used to be able to speak all day like it was nothing and now I wouldn't even know what to talk to her about if we were alone together. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 September 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the advice ladies it was all very helpful.
I'm going to sleep on it and have a think whether it's worth the message for final closure or to just leave it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I think you are sensible . You are doing whatever works best for you to protect your feelings , digest the end of what for you was a meaningful relationship, and be able to move on in the shortest possible time. If you feel that seeing her more often, or having more closeness than right now, would only sort it twist the knife in the wound, you are smart in distancing yourself as much as it is humanly possible without creating unpleasant scenes or cause embarassment to your mutual friends.
In other words, if you've got to see her some times because you have mutual friends, so be it- no need to go out of your way to be pointedly rude to her. But also, no need to make an effort to be all chummy .
Yes you used to be much closer ... but, it's over. She is an ex, although only an ex FBW, and it is normal ( and beneficial to you ) that your personal relationship, and way to treat each other, should change.
The enlightened, politically correct " let's stay friends " only works those ( rare ) times where the two persons are exactly on the same page emotionally: they both shared passion and feelings, they both had a change of heart, they both want to move on etc.
You'd be an hypocrit ( and a fool ) to make a special effort to stay friends with her, because, come on, she is not just a friend for you, and you don't just like her as a friend, you like her as a lover, as someone you fell hard for. Totally different things.
Therefore, do what's best for you and forget about looking " bitter ". Even if you were ? So what ? You got hurt, the wound is fresh, and it still hurts quite a bit- why should you not be " bitter ", if you were.
With an exception , though : i.e., you do not need to be rude. Since you never went total NC, and you had / will have to see this girl around some times, once more won't change much the status quo , and will allow you to be polite.
You said you were 100% going to contact her ... then do it. You had more things you wanted to say, then you found out there's nothing to say because there's no coming back ? Good, then tell her . " Dear Jane, I said I wanted to discuss some more things with you.. but by now I have realized, and accepted, that there is really nothing more to say, since we both understand and we both agree that it was time for both of us to terminate what we had together, and to move on in other directions. And that this is the best course of action for both of us . I am very grateful for what we shared together, I wish you the best, and I hope you may realize your goal of travelling and any other goal you set for yourself " .
Kind, polite and... FINAL.
Chin up N91. There's plenty of fish in the sea... and now she feels to you like a fancy fish, say, a sea-bream, because she 's the fish which slipped through your nets. But maybe in time you could even come to think of her after all , as just a banal, replaceable cod....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 September 2016):
 N91, I think you have to DO you.
If being friends and being friendly is NOT something you feel you can deal with or WANT to deal with, tell her and then stick to that. She can't "make" you be her friend, but you CAN cut the contact if you so desire. YOU don't owe her squat.
Personally, I'd tell her that while you initially thought contact would be OK, you have come to discover that you don't really feel that way anymore. So you will go NC and not really want to chat when going out with the group. That there are other people she can talk to and you can talk to. That THIS is YOUR way of moving on. Doesn't mean you can't be polite and civil, but don't go out of your way to make her feel less awkward.
And next time, don't do casual if that is not 100% what you want. 2 years of being casual? Lines get so blurred and I think it's impossible to keep emotions out of it. Though that was HER choice and guess what? When the shoe is on the other foot... she DOES have feelings. Fancy that?!
I'd think even if you two were caring about each other (even if it was casual) she would WANT you to be happy or working on moving on. She would want the best for you. But she doesn't. She wants what she wants and screw how you feel.
YOU decide what you think will work for you, and then you take that route.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): Youve already talked it out by the sounds of it and you say you have no more to say so I dont think it is worth it to bring up all your feelings and just go over the fact that she dont feel the same. I think you should just leave it and if she messages you say you cant go back to just friends and you need to stop talking to her until youve moved on..
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I guess the question is: do you feel like you need closure? And more importantly, do you think she wants closure? If it was a intense relationship (fwb can be passionate relationships) and if you think it will complicate your future relationships with doubt and the after affects due to her, maybe actually reach out and set up a time to talk this through. It sounds like because you are asking and thinking about, even if there is nothing to talk about, you really have to talk about it to her. So that you both know and have openly said to each other that its officially over, No buts and ifs. Something so open ended can mean different things for different people.Even if its a short meet up, its best to find closure. Then you can date other people knowing that that chapter and door with the ex fwb is completely over and that will hopefully give you some peace of mind. Good luck
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 September 2016):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think the title fits the question I was trying to get across. It's more along the lines of am I being bitter by not being more friendly now that things are over?
The situation has 100% come to an end and there's no possibility of us getting involved with one another again.
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