| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi all. I am having this problem with my boyfriend of four years. We have a good relationship overall but he is a loner-independent type of a guy. He meets my needs most of the time and although we have differences, we have been able to compromise. We don't live together and each have our own place. We live in the same city, about a 15 minute drive from each other. He has always said he likes it this way. He feels if we take the next step, it would change the relationship and it's been working so well for the past 4 years as it is.I am feeling like he is holding back. I am feeling like his independent nature is not jiving with my wanting closeness as a couple. He enjoys spending time with me and doing coupley things but he is also a workaholic. When he is focused on a task, I am non existent, even if he is working on a task for me such as fixing my computer or my toilet. He likes to get tasks out of the way before the fun begins. I am scared of his independent streak. I really feel unsafe because of it. He likes his space and I find I am threatened by it as if it's a reflection on me. Like he needs his space because he doesn't love me enough or want to be with me enough. Or because he wants to cheat.What has motivated my question today is that he comes to stay with me for a week or two at a time. I stay with him too but I don't do this. Whenever he is here, he feels a need to go back to his place for 2-4 hours and then come back. He says he needs to pick up his mail and just catch up on household stuff. He tells me he wants to veg and play video games, do laundry or read. And he says I won't let him do these things when he is here because I expect him to spend every waking moment with me. Yesterday he was here and took my computer back to his place to upgrade it. He was gone for 3 hours. He had the software but could have brought it here to upgrade. I'm not sure why he had to wait for it to be done there when he could have done it here with me. It upgrades on its own in the background. He said his internet is 10 x faster there (it's for business) but it didn't seem that way at all when all was said and done.Why does he feel a need to retreat back to his place for extended periods? Am I doing something wrong? Can I fix this?I feel like he's suffocated by me and tries to get away whenever he can. Or is doing something behind my back. It's not a good feeling at all. And I find myself pulling away. Thinking he doesn't care about me. Or isn't on the same relational level. He has told me he loves me so the L word has been said. He has shown me through his actions but I am still left feeling unsure.I was married once only. My ex husband doted on me. I was the centre of his universe. He liked his space too but not like this guy so I'm not sure if it's because I'm not used to this kind of a guy? Or are my expectations warped or unrealistic? Or is this guy dropping the ball? I do not have any other relationship experience other than my current boyfriend and ex husband.My boyfriend said it's because my ex worshipped me and ruined it for other guys.So, what I am trying to determine is ...is it me? Or is it him? Is my boyfriend lacking or am I being unreasonable?Am I wrong for expecting to change my loner boyfriend?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (7 March 2018):
 Dear Anon,
I had a lot of comments in the works as I read your post, but after reading the other replies I have one single thing to add for you to think about.
You say, "I was married once only. My ex husband doted on me. I was the centre of his universe." And this is the model you are striving to reach with your Current Boyfriend" My question for you is "How did that model for the relationship work out for you and your ex?" Are you sure you want to go back there?
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 I'm like your boyfriend.
Here is a link you might find interesting and hopefully even helpful.
http://www.9types.com/descr/?type=5&book=palmer3
I'm not sure what your long term plans are for this relationship. If you can accept him as he is and stop trying to 'fix' him (because he's not broken) and as long as your needs are being met, then I don't see why it can't work out.
I'm not suggesting you change who you are to accommodate him but if you understood him better you might be more secure and therefore need a bit less from him. That in turn gives him space and takes a lot of pressure off both of you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 4 years together and not living together? That seems... well, a little on the extreme. It's not just about being independent, it's about having his own little place to retreat to when there is too much social interactions.
Him saying it's your ex's fault for "worshiping you" is an excuse.
THIS is who he is. This is the man you are dating. Have you ever HAD a conversation about living together?
You say that he said: "And he says I won't let him do these things when he is here because I expect him to spend every waking moment with me."
Now is that true? Are you expecting him to "entertain you" and be glued to your hip when he is at your place? If so, maybe cut that back a little - if it's not really true then it's his EXCUSE to take a breather.
Do you really see this going anywhere long term? Given the fact that you CAN NOT change this guy. Why? Because he is FINE with how he is and how things are. He gets to have a GF, but not have to live together and whenever HE wants alone-time or a time-out from social interactions he has a place to retreat to.
Expecting HIM to make all the changes to PLEASE you... IS unrealistic.
And expecting YOU to just suck this up and keep going in hopes that HE might/could/perhaps/maybe will want to move in together at some point is also unrealistic.
I think you need to have a bit of a talk.
Where do you see the two of you in 2 years from now? In 5? In 10?
Where does HE see the two of you in etc. etc.
Also, I don't think he is looking to cheat and that is why he likes to have his own place and privacy now and then. I think he is an introvert who NEEDS his own peace and quiet to re-charge.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (6 March 2018):
 We can't make people change. It's wrong to stay with someone you want to change. It also means you'll be unhappy because he won't do what you want.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (6 March 2018):
Yeah you are wrong. You know how he is. He is never going to want to move in with you or hang out uninterrupted. You might want more, but he can't give it to you. You might feel you deserve more, but this man isn't the one to give it to you.
Personally I think he is at the far end of the scale of needing his own space but that's who he is, its as much a part of him as his face or his practical ability to fix stuff.
If you want more, you'll have to accept it won't be with him. He might bend to an ultimatum if you threaten to break up, but then he's likely just to do it under duress and be unhappy.
Alternatively you can accept him as he is. No one is perfect. A guy who wants to move in or be with you more will have something else that bothers you. It's highly unlikely its you. Your choice.
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