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Am I unreasonable to be upset that she won't come out for my birthday meal with family?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 May 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 May 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

IT is my Birthday next week and my family are going for a meal in the evening. Naturally they have invited my girlfriend of three years. She says she doesn't know if she can come because she has plans with her family during the day, and it may put them out? It doesn't make much sense to me. I am spending the weekend with her, but I still think its reasonable to be upset that she won't come out for my birthday meal with family. Any ideas? What would you think?

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (20 May 2015):

SensitiveBloke agony auntSo your girlfriend doesn't think it's important to go to your birthday meal? Sounds like she's got her priorities wrong.

She should have checked with you before making other plans on your birthday. It sounds like her other plans are not fixed if she "isn't sure" whether she can come. She obviously doesn't want to be there. Maybe she doesn't like your family much?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (20 May 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt I think jls022 may be right, and I don't think is necessarily " weird " or " cold " if she does not want / can't join your birthday celebration. It all depends.

Suppose she had made and comfirmed plans with her family before she got your family's invitation. Now it would be rude and disrespectful to ask and change HER family's plans and expectations. And that too,... it depends. If the

" plan " with her family was basically only to eat lunch and lounge around chatting till bedtime, sure , she could say, "I'll have to leave you by X time ,though, because I have got a birthday dinner to attend ".

But, what if they have organized something a bit more complex, say, a trip to another town, a visit to other relatives, a picnic, or just a whole day at the mall ? What if everybody's programs have to be cut short, modified, or rushed so that she can be at your dinner in time ? What if the idea behind her family gathering is that they'll do X and Y, and, then, if they aren't too tired, they'll close the day by having THEIR family dinner together ? What if she does not drive her own car , and can't leave independently ?...What if in general she is spending a lot of time with you anyway, ( as a matter of fact, isn't she spending the whole weekend with you ?? ) and she needs / wants / is requested to devote some one on one time also to HER own family ?...Yes, they WOULD be put out . Definitely. As much as everybody loves young lovebirds, eventually it gets quite annoying to always have to make the adults '/ parents' / family's plans revolve around the young lovebirds' plans.

I see it happening in my sister's family, with the 17 y.o. daughter's BF. And note that my sister and BIL absolutely LOVE the guy , let's call him Patrick - they think he has a very positive influence on my niece ( he DOES ) so it's not a Romeo and Juliet situation. Yet, it gets VERY tiring that no event / party / Sunday / birthday / holiday / vacation / you name it , should even be taken into consideration , let alone planned, if it's not certain that it can include Patrick for ALL of the time, first minute to last, or perfectly coincide with his timetable ,preferences and desires.

I guess the scenario in your case might be the same or similar - she had something planned with her family, and THEY, or SHE , or both, feel that this is important too, same as a boyfriend's birthday, and that for once in a blue moon, it's the BF that can adjust to THEIR convenience .

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom +, writes (20 May 2015):

If she is the same age as you, could it be she is getting grief from her family if they feel she is spending too much time with you and not enough focusing on other things like family, friends and college?

That happened to me when I was around 18, and I felt like I was being pulled in 2 different directions trying to keep everyone happy. She absolutely should be able to go to your birthday meal of course, but perhaps she's choosing your weekend together instead because if forced to pick she'd prefer one on one time with you?

Just an extra thought to throw into the mix.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (20 May 2015):

chigirl agony auntYeah, that's weird, and I'd react to it as well. I don't think she's being completely honest with you here. Either she doe snot get along with your family at all, or she's not really interested in celebrating your birthday.

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A male reader, MrBigShot110 United States +, writes (20 May 2015):

Yeah, it's normal dude. One thing you can't do is invalidate your own emotions. It's something I've learned and am still working on. I have a friend whom I invited to my birthday dinner yesterday that said they'd try be there but it'd be a bit late. Didn't show up, didn't call... Still bummed... At least she gave you a reason and you have something to kind of go on. If you decide to say something to her about it, which I wouldn't do unless she's done this on multiple occasions, just make sure you don't do it in a confrontational way. That's my two cents...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntUnless she has a family member in the hospital, then YES I would be put out by her unwillingness to show up for your birthday dinner. How hard would it be for her to tell her family I have to be at XX place at XX time to go to a dinner celebrating my BF! What kind of family would have a problem with that?

Does she get along with your family? Could that be the reason she is declining?

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