A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I posted last week and would appreciate further advice. I went on 7 dates with a great guy and we communicated daily. The last date, I went to his place and we made out but I was clear in not wanting to go further just yet. At the end of the evening we made plans for another date but they never went though because he stopped initiating contact. I don't have much dating experience so want to ask... Am I too uptight with saving intimacy until later? When I think about it, guy friends put their arm around my waist or shoulder for photos at the beach. I'm wearing a bikini and that's not a big deal. But with my date, I wouldn't even let him touch my waist/skin. Is this a turnoff for most men? I felt like the context was different and I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish (for example, sex). I truly feel that's why he withdrew. Men, if you wanted to pursue a relationship with someone, how long would you be willing to wait to be intimate? Did I make a mistake of going to his place without discussing expectations first? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 March 2016):
 It's not a question of your "being too uptight"... but, instead, was a breach of the "three date" rule... which states..... "By that time a guy has had three (3) dates with a girl, she should be putting out."
As it happens, this guy was extremely tolerant of you... giving you SEVEN (7) dates before he realized that you weren't going to put out......
Better luck, next time...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2016): OP here. Thank you all for your advice.
Our (well, my) expectations and rules were not verbally discussed beforehand, rather I gently moved his hand whenever he tried to go further. However that didn’t faze him, he just grinned and complimented me, and we continued making out. He later then asked if I just wanted to cuddle and we did. I believe he got the message. When I left, he seemed very happy and made plans for the next date. For future men however, I will definitely be upfront and avoid home dates.
The following week he went back & forth between withdrawing (taking forever to respond to me) and coming back (warmly asking about my day). Since that left me unsure of his feelings, one day I simply didn’t reach out first and neither did he. We never spoke again.
Does anyone think he could have gotten the wrong message – That I wasn’t interested? Despite how I acted on our date (my mistake), I contacted him and responded warmly to his contact, we held hands in public, and obviously spent quality/physical time together. I even brought him a small inexpensive souvenir from my trip.
I’m moving on from him because I believe HIS feelings changed. The way I see it, if he was still interested, he would not have given up so easily and still pursue me. (At least I believe so, for most men).
Men, how would you have perceived the situation?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 March 2016):
 I think that there are two issues at play here:
1. The short answer is absolutely you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with. Seven dates or 3 months or exclusivity or even waiting until marriage are rights you can exercise. The key is to be upfront about it. That being said, going to people's houses for dates are OUT, because if you're a "waiter", the last thing you want to do is to be in the dark, alone. Best get to know your date in public and take your time with it.
2. This is the more concerning issue I have with you. I am married, but it was my husband who wanted to wait until marriage, as we came from a very religious background. Here's the thing - it took ALL of both of our strength to honor those wishes. The chemistry was there. The cuddling was there. The attraction, the looks, the kissing, and even some exploration was there. Did we go to the line? Yeah, yes we did. But the point is, he didn't slap my hand away, nor take my arm away from his, or refuse to touch me like I was some filthy sex animal. He TRUSTED me to honor his wishes, and I did so.
You didn't trust this guy to honor your wishes. His message from you was that you didn't like him, that you might have been using him for free food and drinks, that there was no chemistry or attraction from your end, and there was no trust. How can ANY relationship start in those conditions? You let platonic guy friends show affection, but not someone who should have meant so much more and in a different way.
I don't want to pry into your upbringing, but I sense that this lack of trust from you has to do with your learning by either someone teaching you or by experience or observation.
Intimacy isn't always ZERO TO SEX. There is a very gradual natural progression. Holding hands, long looks, shoulder rubs, arm around waist, kissing, hugging, and so on. And trust that the the person you're with does NOT take advantage.
You have to have that trust, and you have to be upfront in your sexual values. This guy may not have been the right one for you, but don't be so uptight that you portray the "You disgusting vile pig" vibe all because you're afraid either.
There must be intimacy in any relationship, even if sex itself isn't on the table. Your relationship with a guy can't be conducted as if plate glass separates you. Sure, you don't have to do what you're uncomfortable not doing, but there must be chemistry, attraction, intimacy to a point, and a clear message of LONGING from you. If you don't feel any of that for the person you're dating, then you shouldn't be dating in hopes that those feelings appear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): Patience will differ from man to man. You have every right to set the pace and timing for when you want to approach intimacy. You do have to offer some affection to establish you're in pursuit of a romance. Not just a friend.
You really shouldn't feel pressured or under obligation to "put-out;" simply because you've gone on a few dates, and you're supposing he's making a count-down until you raise your skirt. You have to let the guy know that you're not necessarily prudish; just allowing yourself time to see how much chemistry develops between you on different levels, and in different ways. You're still evaluating his feelings and intentions. If you see little sign that he's truly attracted beyond jumping into bed with you; your waiting is beneficial in allowing you to avoid attaching your feelings before he has attached his.
Making-out should heat-up over time. He should feel he's not just being played along; but being inexperienced doesn't offer you much ability to add any method to your madness. You're just holding out, and they don't have any clue why or what for. So you have to put it in words.
Sex is a reward, not an obligation. You also have to know how to weed through suitors to know who may only be players; and who are in it for the long haul. If he's pushy about sex, there's your answer.
Just a head's up. Meeting people online lessens your option to holdout. They feel they have more than enough potential prospects that they should be able to bed-down anybody anytime. Those are people who mainly use dating sites for hookups. Searching for lonely desperate women; so needy they'd do anything to keep a guy coming back. Even if he's got only one thing on his mind.
Hold out, but don't be ridiculous. What is ridiculous? Thinking every guy is likely to be your husband someday, and you're not giving up anything unless marriage is in your future. Your dating schedule will likely be very light. So be prepared for that, if you are truly committed to your rules and system of values.
A man pursues a woman he really wants. He sees you as a challenge; and will do whatever it takes to win you over.
Those that give-up easily simply wanted sex, and only sex; and had no intention of courtship or any form of commitment.
Keep that in the back of your mind at all times.
Minimize texting and messaging, and see if he will contact you by phone to talk. If you hear nothing from him. No offers for dates, or never wanting to hear your voice or see you? That is evidence the guy wasn't really that interested to begin with. You can initiate going out sometime, it doesn't always have to be his responsibility.
Just plan something that offers a romantic element to show him that you can also pursue a guy; but that doesn't indicate you're desperate, or need his validation and approval.
People have no patience or purpose nowadays. Many have an over-grown sense of entitlement. They put a lot of pressure on you to prove yourself to them; but offer little justification for it. So you have to be able to discern if guy is really that attracted to you; and take note of every effort he makes to show he is. The more you get, the more you give.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 March 2016):
 I don't think you where being uptight, if you are not comfortable being more intimate well then that is your choice. However I wonder why you allow male friends to put their arm around you and not potential dates? Are you still a virgin? If you are not comfortable that is okay but yes you should have made it clear to him after the 7th date your boundaries and what you expected. I am not sure if this is what put him off, maybe he didn't feel any sexual chemistry coming from your side at all so he gave up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 March 2016):
 I don't think waiting is a problem but he might have interpreted it as being friendzoned as you didn't let him touch you. If you had clarified that you really like him romantically and want to take it slow, and he still withdrew, that could mean he doesn't want anything serious and is tired of waiting. I don't think going to his place has to automatically mean sex. You could still have a wonderful evening just bonding and getting to know each other.
Some men do not understand why women have to wait. They think of the wrong reasons. Such as, they are not attractive, or you want them to work hard to earn it.
A man can accept the answer "I am scared. I don't want to get hurt." But he finds it hard to accept if it's made to sound like he's an applicant and he has to have the qualifications before you consider him accepted. It's insulting to guys when they want to be seen as at least equal, if not admired. Even more so if he suspects that you don't make hot guys wait, only with the nice guys who have to prove themselves to you. The most common reason is you want to make sure you are right for each other so you don't waste each other's time and let sex confuse your emotions. That's a valid reason but it's the calculating, risk aversion that takes away the romance and spontaneity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 March 2016):
 I don't think you are being uptight in wanting to way a while. Now I don't know the time-frame for those 7 dates - but I think waiting till you are in a committed exclusive relationship is fair enough.
2 things though:
I would however, NOT do "dates" at either's home, because the chance of the guy thinking you are OK with intimacy is WAY higher when you are at his house and are making out with him.
I would be upfront with my values and "rules" - such as I don't want sex unless I feel comfortable with the guy and I know I'm the only woman he is dating. (exclusive). So yes, I DO think talking expectations is a good idea after the 3-4? date?
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