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Am I too needy or what is really going on?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 January 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi well I am 8 years older then my girlfriend and we haven't been together all that long but I am completely in love with her. We are lesbians I might add however I have to say I have only been in a relationship with one other woman in my life which was for over 8 years.

Anyway we get along great most of the time but lately it seems she is pulling away from me and I feel like I annoy her. When she is willing she is so loving and compassionate but when she is not in the mood or as she says is having anxiety she is completely detached from me. It doesn't matter if I am in tears she could care less will not comfort me or touch me or even acknowledge I exsist for that matter. She demands my attention when she wants it and I don't feel she is very fair to me. I have tried to become less emotionally "needy" or require less affection but I am sad most of the time anymore and don't understand how she can be this way too me. She doesn't like me to speak to my ex's and is upset if I say anything when she speaks to hers.

Recently a "friend" moved back to town and is demanding her attention and wants her to hang out all the time. My girlfriend stated that they only had sex a few times and she doesn't want this girl however I feel she wants my girlfriend. When I explained how it makes me feel she stated I can't tell her who she can be friends with. Now I didn't say she couldn't be friends but It feel really disrespectful to me that she would want to hang out with her.

Anyway to make a long story short I asked that she only go out with her if I am present and she agreed begrudgingly but today her ex calls and is in the hospital. Now I start to get ready to go with her to see her friend in the hospital only to be told I am not going. I don't understand why she wouldn't want me to go unless there is more too it then she wants to admit.

Why wouldn't she want me to go and support her and her friend? I actually was online trying to order flowers to send to her room and was getting ready to go when I was told I am rude and that I should be more supportive to her considering it is her friend. Just to add to it I was fired from my job yesterday and feel like I needed her as well but I again am told everything is al about me and I am in the wrong. I even said I didn't have to go in the room but wanted to be with her for support and to show her I care.

What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel like I don't matter? HELP please....

View related questions: flowers, her ex, in the mood, lesbian, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012):

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012):

"What am I doing wrong?" "Why do I feel like I don't matter?"

Those questions are irrelevant, truly they're pointless questions because the answers are staring you in the face. They are aren't they? What you wrote in your question has all the answers to those.

The question you should be asking is "why am I letting her treat me this way?" and the person you should be asking is you, not us.

If love has blinded you that much then I'll spell it out:

1. Hot and cold, she's loving one minute and an inconsiderate bitch the next. So she has a mean and sweet cycle, just like an abuser does.

2. She's controlling of who you speak to and who you hang out with. Jealous, possessive and controlling, oh look, more signs of an abuser.

3. Considering the above major personality flaws, those things don't apply to her. She doesn't apply the same rules of living to her and when you ask for some balance and fairness she throws it back in your face like you're the one who's controlling, mean/sweet and the one being the bitch. Which is a classic projection isn't it?

4. You're always the one who is wrong, she's always right and if you need her and she isn't there for you then it's your fault. So again she's putting you down, putting down your emotions too and lowering your self-worth, deary me isn't that an another trait of an abuser? So you can add deflection to her list of qualities. Not looking good so far is it?

5. She's clearly chosen this other girl over you, you ask her to respect you enough to live by her own rules and she throws it back in your face. So she doesn't respect you either, guess what kind of person also exhibits such traits, shock horror! abusive people.

So I have to say this to you again OP, why are you letting her treat you this way? Love? You're old enough to know love doesn't conquer all and on its own it's never been a good reason for anything.

If you ask me you're this girls doormat, plain and simple. You're here asking us what you did wrong, why you feel like you don't matter, so even you're afraid of putting the responsibility for how she treats you on her. The only thing you're responsible for is letting her be like this to you.

I wouldn't stand for any of that shit for one second. If my girlfriend made me get rid of all my exes and then started prioritizing one of her exes over me, one that is so plainly trying to win her back too I'd dump her ass. Love is not worth being a pushover, it's not worth being walked all over and I'll be damned if I ever have another realtionship where my partner tries to control me, doesn't respect me or expect me treat them equally when they can just take or leave me. No chance OP.

Time for you to stand up and be counted OP. Stop letting her walk all over you, this week it's the hospital, next week when that ex is out of hospital it'll be something else she needs that you can't be involved in, it will continue like this and you'll be pushed further away. So put your foot down, and if you need her and she doesn't step up to help or comfort you, then wtf are you doing in a relationship with someone who is inconsiderate and cold hearted in the first place? Is this really the kind of relationship yo want to be in, in the long term? You may want to be with her in the long run but in this way? I don't think so, so do something about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012):

If I were you, I'd ditch her. I had a boyfriend who would occasionally ignore me for no reason but wanted my attention all the time, if I went out with friends he'd strop. From what I've read, I'd say this girl is just unwilling to break up with you, that she obviously still has feelings for her ex and wants you to be at the sidelines in case it doesn't work out, it's your choice but you have to do what will benefit you, not her, she claims that all you're doing is thinking about yourself, so go for it, put yourself first, why should you stand aside while she plays heroin? Nobody can control you do don't let her take the wind out of your sails, hope this helps you somehow :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012):

To be honest I think you are with someone who is selfish. You seem a nice person and I think you deserve better treament, or should I say a better partner. Her behaviour and attitude towards you stinks. She isnt making you happy is she? You could do a lot better imo.

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