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Am I too idealistic to be with a Vulcan type personality?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 27 August 2014)
A female Ireland age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I took a break for about two months - we will be together for two years in October this year.

We talked at length about the issues in our relationship and both feel that we have worked through it well. The main big problem is absolutely gone now!

However, I feel disappointed for some reason. He have me a four page letter when he realised how much he waned to be with me. He opened his heart and cried while reading it. He's not an emotional guy, he doesn't enjoy expressing himself. In the letter he told me he would be trying to express himself a lot more in the future.

The first two weeks getting back together were great. He was so loving and attentive and sweet. But now (about a month in) he's kind of gone back to the non expressive way he was before. And I feel disappointed. He swears that nothing has changed for him. So I don't want to look like a whining nag by bringing it up. Especially when he doesn't even see the issue.

Do I just let it go? I love him a lot and support him and vice versa but am I just too idealistic and emotional to be with a Vulcan type personality?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014):

OP here.

Thank you so much for your response! It really made me see that I'm being selfish and immature about the whole thing. Of course he can't just click his fingers and miraculously change how he's been his whole life!

He does try so hard, and while I know he has emotional feelings - he just finds it hard and scary and immasculating to express them. I should look at the little things: he has kept every card and small token of love I've ever given him - he pushes himself to show me affection because he knows I need it - and he is more patient with me when I am emotional!

His two expressive emotions would be anger and happiness. I have the wealth of all those in between and he has told me that he enjoys experiencing emotion through mine sometimes...

Of course I kept his letter it's safely put away with one of those silly passport photos which we were being silly in - but the last picture is of him kissing me and he looks so happy. I told myself I would read that letter when I felt down so I guess now is the time. I think I might even print out your response and put it in there too!

He is INTP/INTJ personality type so quite intense but everything else is so good so I should accept him as he is and be appreciative that he is trying so hard... :-) thanks again! I always like your replies on this site so I'm glad you gave me such insight :-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014):

It's hard to understand why it is hard for some people to express emotion and openly show their feelings. If you are in a relationship, you don't want them to pretend, or their feelings to be forced.

Some people may even have Asperger's Syndrome, that was never diagnosed. They may not understand the reason for their lack of the ability to openly display emotion and/or affection. Although they can intelligently discuss it, and promise to change. That's pretty complicated.

That wasn't the case in my relationship. It was his upbringing and just his personality. It took time for me to tap into what was discovered to be a bottomless vessel of good-spirit and devotion. A once-in-a-lifetime catch!

The key is, your boyfriend is willing to work through problems and discuss them with you. He actually made the effort. Not usually the case for most OP's! These things take time and effort. It's not done overnight. Don't try to rewire his personality to suit yourself. He's the wrong guy for you, if you think you need to do that. You may need a lot of work yourself. It's easy to sit in judgement of other people, and not see our own faults. I did that, before I went poking around in my partner's psyche. I listened when he told me to back the hell off!

Take it a little at a time; but don't go milking him for emotions that don't come easily or naturally to him. Your job is not to go and remake any individual. You will make an influence on him, seep deep into his heart, and bring out the best in him; if you allow him to open-up to you naturally. Not on demand, at the snap of your fingers!

I spent 28 years with an intellectual and very egotistical person. By no means narcissistic; but arrogant and somewhat prideful. He was good-looking, smart, and could back it up.

A well-accomplished attorney.

His dad raised him along with four other brothers to be very masculine and tough. He over-compensated; because he was gay, and in the closet. As you get older, your upbringing becomes woven into your personality; and that isn't something you can just suddenly turn, and do a 360. Just because you've fallen in-love... and BOOM, you're a hopeless weeping romantic. For some,it just doesn't happen that way! They can't magically transform and tailor their personality to your every need. If you want a lot, you have to give a lot in return.

You always have the choice to let go; and find yourself someone nice and mushy, who'll smother you with kisses, and ooze all over you. There's something about our two Vulcans, that drew us to them. That makes us see something that we can't quite put our finger on. Know what I mean?

Don't think you're offering so much you can place the bar so high. Just a frank word of advice. We can go over the top too! You may have chosen the wrong guy for the task!

I had to coax feelings and affection; but not out of neediness and greediness. There is a fine line, even when you think you're not crossing it. Always taking the position that "it's not me, it's you!"

Where is there room for improvement, when you're always right?

I'd say you may be pushing it a bit. Getting so upset because he couldn't keep up the act. It took me years to truly understand the type of personality my partner had. He was very kind, he had a generous nature, and a dry-sense of humor, with a sharp wit. He didn't show a lot of lovey-dovey behavior on the outside, but there was oh so much kindness, passion, and love for me underneath his exterior. I learned how to get to it. I also kicked his butt, and made him come down to earth with the rest of us mere humans.

I was careful not to try to remold the person that he was. I methodically, carefully, and gently coached him to be comfortable with being affectionate. If it's too much work for you, give-up. If you're think you're wasting your time;

he'll find somebody else better suited. Not everyone is cut-out to be with these types of people; but somehow fate brought me to mine. Maybe the same happened to you!

I grew up in a household full of affection; with hugging and kissing, and playfulness. His was just as loving, but more emphasis on academic achievement and success. We both had qualities that complemented the other, that's why it worked for 28 years. Not without battles, tug-of-wars, and some arguments. Try arguing with an attorney. My house wasn't a courtroom, and I didn't hesitate to over-rule the sonofagun!

If you need more, take it a little at a time. Hold on to his letter as a reminder. To pour his feelings into a four page letter sounds quite loving and sincere; although I don't know him, to be certain of that. You do know him.

It was a small-step in the right direction. Instead of giving him credit and reinforcement, you're being critical and a tiny bit ungrateful. It was very hard for his type of guy. Let anyone come on here, and make some snarky comment they wouldn't put up with it out of a man. Chances are, no man would put up with them being pushy and clingy either. It goes two ways!

Not when you're setting the bar too high and behaving like a baby. I know you would argue out of self-defense of your behavior; but I'm only trying to help. You need an objective-opinion, and advice that comes from actual experience. I'm not trying to impress you with wordy monologue. I don't know all the answers. I actually know what you're talking about. I had someone just like who you described. I just had to understand more about that personality-type and how to get to them, and help them to relax. Easing the emotion out without too much pressure.

That's how it works for that kind of guy. Emotionalizing embarrasses them, or makes them feel naked. Just a little less than masculine.

I'm not talking about a an apathetic asshole with a steel-heart. I'm talking about the serious not so extroverted

guy, who does everything with logic; and very little open expression of his passion and feelings. He may be arrogant to some degree, even opinionated; but short on chuckles and hand-holding.

There were little expressions and surprises that I got that I never expected. I knew he was always there to watch my back. I observed the way he did things his way; and through love, I started to understand. There is no real fairytale love, with sprinkles on top. You deserve hugs, caresses, and kisses, with a lot of good hot sex. Sometimes you have to initiate the expression, and guide them into it. Don't take it personally that you had to. It rubs off over time. He would probably give his life for you, but just because he doesn't express it out loud doesn't mean he wouldn't.

I hope you kept his letter. My partner passed away six years ago. I can recall every single gesture of love since we met 28 years before that. You/we are not necessarily too idealistic. Maybe you just need to be more patient and understanding. Shower him with all the love you think he deserves, and coax him to reciprocate; but leave it up to him to do it his way. To make it real and from the heart.

If he's too cold and stiff, then maybe you're trying to get blood from a stone.

If you read his letter alone and to yourself, it will say what is hard to express out-loud, but it came from his heart. Pardon my sentimentality. I lost my partner to cancer, but not without feeling that I got enough love to last me for the rest of my natural life. He too, was a brother of Mr. Spock.

If he's just too hard to deal with, you have to let go and find someone else.

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