A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,I have a bit of a common problem, I guess. This guy at my work clearly has a 'thing' for me. He also happens to be married. In my eyes this is inappropriate in itself, but someone told me once there is a line. Supposedly some actions are okay, some are not.Where does the line get drawn?The thing I don't get is that while I'm a little bit shocked by all the attention, everyone else I work with (who know that he is flirting with me etc.) don't seem to see anything wrong with it.Am I being stupid, or am I justified in thinking this is inappropriate?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): The line is drawn where YOU draw it. Any unwanted sexual advances, even verbal ones, are harassment if they are indeed unwanted... especially if you have told him to stop and he's still doing it.
Make it clear to him that you do not enjoy his "attention." Hopefully this is enough for him to get the message, if not, start documenting what he says and does and take it to your supervisor.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I guess that the line can be drawn in different places.
If it were the man's wife drawing it, I assume she would say no flirting is right. I agree with this, by the way, on this basis: I have eyes, and I have lust, so I can appreciate a woman's body (and very quickly). BUT, if I take things a step further (again, let's define the size of the "step"), then it's not something beyond my control, but something I'm doing it because I want to. Surely I wouldn't acknowledge that, but if I started flirting I would be secretly wishing "something" happened.
If it were the husband drawing the line, obviously the line would be drawn very far away and with a transparent marker.
If it were your employer, or your government, I assume the line would be drawn where the bureacrats agreed to draw it. Their assumptions and provisions wouldn't necessarily make sense.
That said, I believe that your problem is very easy to tackle, at least for the time being. Let him flirt with you again, and ask him whether he would like his wife to know he's flirting with you. That should be the end of it. If you want to make this stronger, tell him you will complain with HR if he keeps flirting.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 It's fine, as long as it doesn't go too far. If he knows where the line is drawn and doesn't step over if, then it's not a problem.
I'm quite happy with my partner flirting and I know he does it absolutely outrageously from time to time. He can look, flirt, give his lady friends a big hug when appropriate, but that's it. And if I see him looking lecherously at another woman when I'm with him then he's going to get a slap and he knows it.
So maybe you need to step back and look at just what this guy is doing. If it really is only flirting then that's fine. Enjoy it. If it is some sort of attempt to go further with you, then you ought to put a stop to it right now and tell him in no uncertain words that you won't put up with that sort of behaviour. And if it's totally innocent but you really don't like it, then just let him know politely that you don't like it - and more forcefully if he persists.
Are you asking where the line should be drawn? Well, that's difficult, because not everyone is the same or has the same views. You draw the line. You decide what is too much. Put yourself in his wife's position; assume she is reasonably tolerant of him flirting; and then decide firstly what would be too much if he were your husband, and secondly what you find too much being on the receiving end of it. Other than that, as I said: enjoy it. Attention is always nice, even when it's not ever going to lead to anything further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Hi Hunny
Your thinking you wouldnt like your b/f husband to act this way with another female as it would be wrong in your eyes, A little harmless flirting is not so bad hunny but this doesnt seem harmless fun..So tell him if it bothers you, Dont worry about what other think its not happening to them, if you are uncomfortable tell him to back off...His wife is very lucky to have a young woman like you who feels this way, As it could be very different if you were liking the attention. I had this once at work it was my boss and he was very bad in the end I left after telling him what I thought as it got to a point were I couldnt deal with his constant sexual remarks and Im sure he would have gone futher had I been prepared to, There is a line hunny and you will be able to tell if he would cross it...It was a shame as I enjoyed the job and got on well with his wife, But he was just a sleeze bag...EEEWWW!!!! YOU TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (30 April 2008):
 It really depends on how bad his flirting is. If it offends you, its inapropriate and should be stopped. Some girls can take this behavour with a pinch of salt and other's cant. You have to make up your own mind, if this is really a matter that needs to be reported.
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