A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girl and i had a fight about her x-boyfriend.He calls too much, i think he uses the excuse of haveing a child with her. He would call 2 four times a day.She is six months pregnant with our baby. She is always on the internet facebook; almost everynight she sleeps on the sofa. Every single man she has had a relatioship with she has constant contact on facebook or msn.We had sex once this past month. When i knew her password for facebook i saw a man sent her her a message asking was he too slow when she was single. Sometimes men would send her images of sexual positions toon like caractors.all she say is they are friends.Recently she has been going to a girlfriends house realy often. This morning she left 9am and its 4pm and still has not returned. She say she wants to marry me i am not sure if i should do that; she say i am controling when i told her i cant continue living with her if she keeps her past so close to her even her xboy friend she said she broke up with 3 years ago. She has a kid with the guy and the guy has a kid with another woman and she calls the guys child to come over every other weekend. If i wanna take her kid anywhere she would ask me can the guys kid come too. She says the kid is like a daughter dont you think she should let go of her past or am i just paranoid?A week ago her x called her cell and i picked up and the guy threatened me and i adviced him not to let this go any futher because this will lead to me a violent reaction. She was very upset when i told her how far i would go if the threats dont stop. She say she dont feel safe in our house anymore although i was not angry at her.If you goin through all of this is it worth it to work this out? Tell me am i the bad guy here or the victim?
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broke up, facebook, her past, msn, the internet, violent Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 This is negotiation. Time to say how you feel, what upsets you and why. Then to listen to the same from her. Then look at how you can compromise each other and adapt. Be honest about what makes you feel threatened, don’t just put on a display of puffed-up feathers.
She has a child with her ex and he has a child with another woman. That means her child has a half brother/sister. You wouldn’t come between that surely? I think she is a wonderful woman to accept this other child into her life and this is of no threat or consequence to your position unless you decide it is.
You would appear much the stronger and wiser if you accepted the significance of what she is trying to do, which is very respectful of the bond the children have. Be proud of her. In exchange you could ask her to arrange this visit with you or for the other Dad to call at around 6.30pm (for example) to speak to his child. Not all the time. Do you think he is worried about his kid being in the same house as you (if you are selling the violent threat a bit much?).
The way you react makes it seem that you consider the reason for his calls is that he has a claim on your girl. Why should it be that? You may find he feels guilty that he is leaving his daughter out when he has another child in the house now. Don’t think that what people do is always an insult to you personally. It may be something else entirely going on in their own lives.
I have a very good relationship with my child’s Dad. Grandparents all fine, I am fine with his new girlfriend etc. My partner found it harder but he is OK. My ex husband has called me in the past when he has been very worried about me, mainly because he wants to know our son is OK, but also out of friendship. There is absolutely no way I would ever dream of being with him again, I adore my partner. But I am so happy for my son that despite our fractured family there is unity, open-ness and support.
You seem a bit Alpha male, are you are trying to mark out your territory? If you are it is unfortunate because there are three territories overlapping here and you have to deal with it by not being insecure about your standing, prowess or the fact that you are loved. You can’t force everyone into separate boxes when so much of their happiness depends on co-existing and overlapping lives.
I have a feeling that if you were more generous about his side of your life, you girl would be on Facebook much less often and spending less time seeking the comfort or friends. She would be turning to you instead.
There is nothing to be gained by your threat of violence with the ex, it can never be excused. It would be a great start to apologise to him and say you never knew how hard it would be, or how easy to become defensive and offended when trying to find your place in this extended family. Why not, as a totally new idea, work out a way of working WITH him that suits you both. I think he would be shocked if you tried to do this and he would think you are a great guy. This would increase your standing in everyone’s eyes. Bit hard to swallow? Are you thinking “Why should I?” Well because it would be in everyone’s best interests if you did, including your own. If you keep up this stand-off, you may think you are doing it for self respect, you will gain nothing for anyone including yourself. Be big about this, I know because I have been through it myself.
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (21 February 2008):
What are you a doormat or what? You need to understand that there's something wrong with your lady.Either accept her the way she is with the fact that her ex will always be a part of your lives.You really have little influence on her.Lack of sex is worrying.Women love sex,even more than men.I really find it hard to see how she plans on handling this relationship.Stay if you are strong but if i were you i would have one last serious talk with her and if she don't change we go our seperate ways.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (20 February 2008):
 Insecurity, doubt and lack of trust, 3 things that can kill a relationship. You need to sit down and talk with her in a civilised, mature manner and let her know of your fears. The first thing - communication, every successful relationship needs good communication and once this breaks down you find the relationship goes slowly downhill so always try to find quality time to talk. Bear in mind just now that her hormones will be all over the place (being pregnant) so you need to do this with tact and sensitivity.
You are looking for 1. reassurance - that there is nothing going on with any of these exes, 2. honesty - that you can trust what she says to be the truth, 3. compromise - she needs to meet you in the middle here and agree to some boundaries. She's got to understand how you are feeling and how talking with her exes all the time is really affecting you AND your life together. Ask her to put herself in your shoes, would she like it if you kept talking to ex girlfriends?
You both have a lot to talk about but the sooner you do it the better. Good luck and keep me posted.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (20 February 2008):
 Complaint #1) She needs to set boundaries with her ex, re: his calls. Perhaps there could be a pre-arranged time, excluding bona fide emergencies. What do you think is reasonable?
#2) She needs to conquer her addiction to the internet, social networks especially. What do you think is a reasonable amount of daily time on the computer?
#3) I definitely don't understand the lack of sex deal. I had two babies so "she's pregnant" is not a normal answer. How many times a week do you think is reasonable? The second trimester is the most comfortable time for most women. She's about to get very uncomfortable, but you guys could spoon. Once or twice a week is reasonable to me, but I'm not in bed with you two, so my opinion is irrelevant. I suspect she's very angry at you, to not want to have sex with you. Ask her what she feels and thinks about you, her and the two of you together.
#4) Sex talk should not happen outside of a fulfilling relationship. Ask her what it is that she's not getting from you. Why does she take her needs elsewhere?
#5) Perhaps you are controlling. I have no idea. If you're controlling because of the issues I have already commented on, she has some serious growing up to do. If there are other things that you have not mentioned, you two have to discuss it and come up with solutions acceptable to both of you.
#6) There's nothing wrong with either one of you hanging out with your friends, as long as every thing else is cool. If you are both contributing to the business of the household and you both are getting all of your needs and some of your wants met, than it's perfectly normal to spend a day with a platonic friend of the same sex, that is not your ex.
#7) There are happy, well-adjusted families that do the sharing thing with each other's kids. However, you guys have a lot of issues and you are uncomfortable, so her guilt-tripping you about her ex'es step daughter is way out of line.
#8) I understand why she does not feel safe with you. However, I also understand why you reacted with words of violence to a man that initiated the conversation ... a man that already has too much influence over your partner. She is being very biased towards him, since he started the violent talk.
She sounds like a drama queen, needing to be in the middle of everything with everyone. Look up addictive relationships or co-dependent personality in your browser. Follow the links.
Whew. That was exhausting. Okay ... I think it is pretty safe to say that you two do not even have a flimsy foundation for your relationship. You, at least, have reached out to a large community and have asked for an opinion on yourself, not judgment on your partner. That said, in my unprofessional opinion, you two need professional counseling.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, The Blue Quill  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Hi,
All I could barely think of right now is for you to sit down, relax and keep a good tone of your voice. Talk to her with all due honesty and then tell her how you feel. If you two want to get along together, your ideas have to meet somewhere. Tell her to adjust to what you want and have both ends meet.
Hope you can fix this. wish you all the luck in the world bro.
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