A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a college student and hardly have any time to date. However, I'm getting to an age where all my friends are meeting great guys out of the blue and getting into serious relationships. So, needless to say, it gets frustrating and lonely not having that. I haven't had a boyfriend while in college but there were two guys who had potential. Both times I'd meet someone, we'd keep running into each other and talk. The first one (this happened last year; I'll call him A) would text me constantly for a few weeks. He suggested we "hang out" after months of weird tension, and so I'd make plans but he'd always have an excuse. Eventually I stopped trying and we haven't talked since. This year, I met "B" at a party and we talked pretty flirtatiously for three hours. Things seemed to be going well for awhile after that, but again, it fizzled out because our schedules were so different. In general, though, I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I feel like I'm sending signals that are off-putting which keep guys from approaching me or wanting to take me out. It really makes me angry sometimes and makes me feel like I'll never meet anyone who will like me enough to stay with me. In high school I dated someone who I'd liked for a long time, but he broke up with me because I was so naive and young and he didn't want to pressure me into having sex. That made me realize what's important to me in another person, and that I need to be 100% comfortable about someone before I even think about sex. So, with that, I have trouble flirting because I feel like it's false advertising. I'm not going to act contrary to who I am; I'm not going to sleep with someone to get him to like me. I just don't know how to let a guy know that I'm interested, I guess, and I'm afraid that if he learns that I'm a virgin, he won't want to date me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
I get the whole “noah’s ark” thing… your friends are paired and you are not and you are feeling left out…. That’s normal
You say you feel like you are sending out “signals” that are off-putting…. Do you have any idea what they are or are you asking what folks think they could be?
I think it’s GREAT that you are going to continue to be true to yourself and not yield to peer pressure about sex.
You say you have trouble flirting… but flirting is NOT about sex IMO. Flirting is about fun and games and being laid back and comfortable with yourself. I’m happily married and I am an outrageous flirt and yet NOT one man I flirt with has ever accused me of “false advertising” or being a tease… I’m very clear in my flirting (which I do like breathing) that it’s not about sex but rather making a social connection with folks. My favorite flirt buddy is a guy young enough to be my son… happily married (as am I)… but it’s fun to flirt… and yes flirting is often about innuendo… but that does not make it a tease…
Being true to yourself is critical and you should be proud of that not apologetic.
As for being a virgin, I’ve never seen a generation like the current one who worries about being a virgin as much as yours. In my day the worry was about NOT being a virgin…. Relax about that.. the right guy won’t care if you are or are not… he will care about who you are where you are when he gets you… the rest comes together as you grow as a couple.
IF you meet a guy you are interested in you could actually be forthright and say “hey [guy’s name] want to meet me on [date 3 or more days in advance] at [local coffee shop] for a coffee and some conversation???
Part of finding “mr right” (or even Mr. You’ll do for now) is being yourself and relaxing… it’s true that most of the time you meet someone when your not looking…. I guess it has to do with how you relax when you “don’t care”…. Sadly it’s not something you can fake… you have to REALLY not care.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 At your age and in your culture to still be virgin can generally be seen as weird or not normal. I was sadly one until I was 25 so dont worry. Use this to your advantage to weed out guys who only care about sex. Ask them peculiar questions. Sounds like youve hit a rough patch overall I would recommend just making time to be social in your rare free time. You can always ask close friends to connect you with someone too. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): You are putting too much thought in what guys think, at this young age we all know what they think and what they want on a first place.I wish when I was your age I knew what I know now. And didn't try so hard to get a guy.You can flirt and send all the messages you want, it doesn't mean you are leading anyone one. if you want to be flirtatious, be flirtatious. If he had an ides that he is going to have it with you, it's his problem. Do what you want for yourself, you are a good person, and only this way you will find a guy that you need. Otherwise it will be just pretend.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 February 2013):
Hi there. You need to stop beating yourself up about what you think could be wrong with you, when it comes to guys liking you.
There is NOTHING wrong with you, you are perfect just the way you are.
And it's not necessary to be flirtatious with guys you find attractive.
Instead, just be yourself and relax.
It is possible that by thinking about all your friends having boyfriends - and comparing yourself with them - that it is making you a little anxious, and with a sense of time passing you by.
And with that possibly being the case, how you do act when you are with a guy you find attractive, could be that you seem over-keen to please, which could be pushing these nice young men away from you.
And that of course, isn't what you want.
By feeling frustrated and lonely in not having someone in your life right now, when you do find yourself out on a date you may find it hard to relax and just be yourself, because you are watching yourself and judging yourself the whole time.
Thinking thoughts like - "Am I trying too hard? Am I doing this date thing right? I wonder if he really likes me? I wonder if he will ask me out again?"
And many other thoughts like this also.
And what that does, is stop you from really shining and being the best you, that you can possibly be.
Negative thoughts like this, change how we are at that time, because we are so in our heads about what we think we should be doing or should NOT be doing, that we really aren't in the present moment very much at all.
And to the person with you at that moment, you would probably seem a little distracted and not really listening to them much.
That same person you are with, might even have a sense of being ignored, slightly.
In any case, it could be a distinct barrier in the way you communicate, for sure.
And it would as a result, drive a wedge between you, and even more so as time when by.
It would also seem like you were very much deep in thought about something, and like they were almost sitting there at the table on their own, and you weren't even there.
Just a thought, that's all.
And when we judge ourselves so harshly like this, and in particular when on a date with some nice young man, we are simply not being ourselves at all.
And perhaps this is what might be happening with you on some occasions.
And when you really do want a relationship with someone, and you see a lot of young girls around you meeting great guys, you can't help but think to yourself - "Why can't I meet nice young guys like these girls do? What do they have that I don't?"
In fact, it would be very hard NOT to think like that when you really want a relationship.
It probably might be a wise idea in future, that whenever you get talking to a nice young man that you meet, that you just keep it light and friendly - don't bother about wanting to flirt or feeling the need to - and just relax and be yourself, and wait for the GUY to suggest a date of some kind.
Let the guy suggest it, rather than the other way around.
When a woman suggests a date with a man in the beginning after first meeting each other, it can come across to the guy as being slightly needy and desperate, which has a tendency to push men right away altogether.
It seems to be interpreted by men as controlling, and that in a relationship, that woman might try to be the boss - rather than equal give and take, if you follow what I mean here.
In other words, men like to call the shots in the beginning and they like to do the chasing of the woman they want to pursue.
They DON'T usually like to be hunted down by that woman - or feel as though they are being hunted down.
And don't worry too much about being a virgin, you are very wise in not wanting to give that up for someone who is NOT worthy of that special part of you.
And it is very wise that you feel that way, and men would also respect that in you.
And if you met a man who tried to make you feel guilty about saying "No" to giving them what they want, well then they are not worth your love in the first place.
So stick to your beliefs here, it is really so important that you follow your heart and be true to it at all times.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Why do you think you have time to be in a relationship if you "hardly have any time to date"?
Your friends have their own timelines, why do you feel that you need to apply someone else's timing to your own, especially as you start off by saying you don't really have time to date?
You are very likely sending out angry vibey messages because you feel you should be in place 'x' when in fact the choices you have made about your future and your time put you in place 'y'. As soon as you stop beating yourself and your potential dates up about this you'll realize that you have engineered your own dating situation.
If you want to be dateable and dating, well.... then do that. If you decide that you have 3 hours per month in which to date, what do you expect to attract?
You don't have to sleep with a guy. You have to make space in your life for a guy. If you don't do that basic item, well, would you date you? If not, then, it's time for an attitude overhaul.
And by the way, it's okay to wait to date. Just recognize that you have made that choice.
If you want to date, you have to allow space in your busy life to allow it.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 You probably just need more experience, like general hanging out with guys, talking to them, going out experience. So maximise your potential for meeting guys and talk to as many as you can. If you're in some kind of club you can get talking to them in a neutral situation where it won't be scary as you approaching a strange guy. As far as signals as long as you're engaging and ask questions, make eye contact and stuff like that you should be fine. If you're staring at the floor and mumbling then that would be a problem.You can have what you want. It doesn't matter that you're a virgin, but if you're worried about it then just don't tell anyone. It's just going to take a bit of work and persistence. Don't just sit back and wait for someone special to come along, try to be as social as you can.
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