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Am I selfish and bad to be feeling so disappointed that he reneged on his original decision to aim to propose to me soon?

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 18 April 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married for a while, and a few months back he told me when he'd hope to propose.

I was getting very excited. That time-frame hasn't happened yet, however now he is saying he simply cannot afford the ring he was hoping to get me. He said it may be another 6 months...

Now, please know that I LOVE this man dearly and would wait for however long it took.

I cannot see myself with anyone but him. We have ups and downs, but everyone does and they are not major.

However, I was a little crushed at this. When he told me I got a lump in my throat.

My heart and mind got excited and ready for it. He asked me if I was upset. I said no, that I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on him, but told him the price of the ring wasn't really that important.

And I am not upset AT him, but I am still a little hurt. I wished he wouldn't have even told me when he'd hope to propose in the first place.

And because I feel hurt, I feel selfish and bad.

Has anyone dealt with this before?

Is it right that I feel hurt or should I just get over it? I don't want to tell him that I'm upset at this because he isn't really doing anything wrong on purpose, but it has bothered me quite a bit....

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (18 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOff course it is okay to be disappointed and it is okay to tell him that also. It is a big event in your life and you thought it was happening soon so yes it no doubt put a lot of ideas and excitement in your head and now those are delayed. Perfectly normal.

If this was me I would talk to him about how you feel, tell him the price off the ring does not matter to you however if he is not ready then you are not going anywhere and willing to wait for as long as it takes. Believe me you will feel much better getting it off your chest.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (16 April 2017):

YouWish agony auntDamn those stupid jewelry companies for even coming up with the idea of an engagement ring in the first damn place!! De Beers started it with the "A Diamond is Forever" slogan in the Great Depression of all times to get people to spend ridiculous sums of month, and all the crap about "Two months salary showed the future Mrs. Smith what the future will be like" was from an 80's ad from the same company.

That same ad says ""You can't look at Jane and tell me she's not worth 2 months' salary...Now the only thing that other men ask her is, 'When's the wedding day?'"

In your case, I'd take him at his word about the ring. When he said that he couldn't afford the ring he wanted to get you, did you respond that you didn't need a proposal with a ring?? Or are you wanting it perfect, where he gets on one knee and holds up a ring box like Simba in the Lion King??

If it's the ring, and you care about that, then you should be patient. It is a smart and good man who won't shackle himself to credit cards buying jewelry like that. If you told him that you don't need the ring for him to propose, and that can be handled when he has the money, then it's another reason, but buying an expensive ring is a major road block in a lot of engagements, and it *is* a reason why a lot of guys choose to remain unmarried.

Nowadays, cars, rent, and those huge student loans that get bigger every year choke out the ability to spend that two months salary, which is a sexist ad in the first place, as it plays to a man's sense of possessiveness (put a ring on her, and keep the other men away) and a woman's sense of materialism "The ring better be big and elaborate, because it's an investment of how much he cares about me". UGH.

He said it was about the ring. The only way to be sure is to take that consideration out of the equation. If you can't or won't, or De Beers won out and made it impossible to satisfy your criteria for a proper proposal without an engagement ring in-hand, then all you can have right now is patience. A marriage is patience, especially for those who are good with money! Not using credit is a huge discipline, but one that really really pays off.

I got engaged without the ring, and it was fine! We got one a couple of months later, and the job I had at the time allowed for a really nice discount on really good jewelry, and I chose a small solitaire that was definitely not two months salary, and I made sure it was certified non-conflict (i.e. blood diamonds). My real goal was to be married to the man I love. I would have done it in a courthouse wearing blue jeans for the mere price of a $60 marriage license. We did a wedding though, but I kept costs way down. I'll tell you what feels 1,000x better than getting an engagement ring! Paying cash for a house with zero mortgage feels better than sex! And NOT MUCH feels better than sex, let me tell you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017):

Original poster here.

Billy Bathgate, before you insult me and say "get used to being a girlfriend", you should really learn to read more carefully.

I NEVER said I couldn't see myself without him as if I need him to live and breath, or I am not happy in my own skin by myself. I have my own life, and while he compliments it so well, I do not need him to live.

If you would have read a little more carefully and saved your insult, you would have seen that I said I cannot see myself with anyone BUT him. Meaning I can't see myself in such a relationship with another man at this point in my life and at this point in our relationship.

That is not unhealthy. That is commitment to one person.

If I could see myself in this relationship with another person, that would be quite questionable would it not? If I was imaging being in a relationship like this with someone else, I don't think marriage would be a good idea.

Learn to read more carefully because it makes a huge difference.

To everyone else, thank you so much for your replies and offering good perspective on both sides of this. Yes it is upsetting, but I should not be hard on him and expect everything be perfect all the time.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (14 April 2017):

He's stalling. And you are not wrong to be disappointed. Offer to go with him to pick out a nice affordable ring you both like and watch his reaction. You say you can't see yourself without him, that by itself is pretty unhealthy if that's true get used to being a girlfriend

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI wonder too why the disappointment? You can make PLANS for many things but life is not always a straight line from A to Z.

IS the disappointment more because you feel like this "excuse" (can't afford the ring HE wants you to have) or because you think he is not ever going to do it now? That he has other reasons to not propose?

I can SEE why you feel somewhat disappointed if HE had mentioned that HE wanted to propose for (let's say) Valentine's and then nothing happens in February, March, April... It's not strange to feel like that when someone changes the rules.

How long have you been together?

And HOW long are YOU willing to wait for this to happen?

You say you don't WANT anyone else, so he knows he can take his time? Perhaps?

I would, if I were you, lower the expectations for this event. Put it out of your mind (if you can) and tell him how you feel, don't lie and don't FAKE that it didn't hurt your feeling. THIS is the guy YOU want to marry. He should know how you feel and that you also don't want to put pressure on him.

I was thinking this as well, DOES he make promises often that he doesn't follow through with?

My husband had a habit of that (especially with the kids) and I HAD to take him aside more than once to tell him to STOP making promises that he wasn't entirely sure he WANTED to keep or COULD keep. It's ANNOYING to be the one who has to sort out the hurt feelings when it ISN'T kept. In your case it's HARD to not feel hurt over it.

Think on it, BE honest with him and yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017):

Would you not be just as happy with a cheaper ring??? If its took along time to save for the ring how long will you be wait to get married .... What is the point if you can not afford to get married ?? Xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017):

Of course you should be all excited in anticipation of someone you love proposing to you! It's one of the most important things that will happen to you in your life!

Maybe he was a little premature by telling you his plans; but you may be subconsciously nudging him; and he gave under pressure to reassure you. He knows women like rings and a wedding; regardless of claiming it doesn't matter. He wants to give you the whole sh-bang! He knows you've fantasized about it; so don't let your eagerness overwhelm you, or the frustration will show. That wouldn't be very nice. Guys have fantasies too! No one seems to give us credit for that. It always means we've got cold-feet or commitment-phobia.

That isn't always the case; and marriage is a huge step not to be taken lightly. It's real, not a fantasy or dream! You better be sure before you do it! Too many rush into it, then change their minds after the fact! I mean, seriously?!!

I don't know, but being a guy; I wouldn't want anyone telling me when and how to make my proposal for marriage. You can have all the talks you want, I will make that move when and how my heart tells me to! That's just me! It's two people making that decision. Not just one!

Sorry, but it is about financial-stability. Too many marriages end too soon over money. If he needs to work-out his finances; my practical advice is to allow him time to do so. You don't need to start-out on a rocky foundation arguing over nickels and dimes as newlyweds. Struggling over food and shelter.

I don't know why there is an inclination to always put the guy down; because he isn't the perfect make-believe Prince Charming; and able to do everything like it's done in the movies or by celebrities with a lot of money. Life presents challenges and obstacles; and wisdom is born from getting over these unforeseen hurdles. Making sure good-timing is a part of the equation for a successful marriage.

I see things from two-sides in a relationship. I had one that lasted 28 years before he passed-on. I'm working on one that just turned four years this month. So I have a little bit of wisdom under my belt about these things. Delaying could be an indication of things to come. So be patient and consider things in and for the long-run. He may be too broke to get married at all! That doesn't mean you have to think the worst of him either!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (14 April 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt This would be easily fixable , though.

Tell him that you care much more about getting engaged and making your committment official, just as per agreed upon plans, than about the bling bling; and that you'll be more than happy to accept a more modest, less expensive ring.. or even a fake ring from the dime store , if needs be ! .

Then again, while I understand how you are disappointed because you got excited about something that then is not going to be delivered, maybe so much hurt is tad excessive... after all, 6 months is nothing !, and at the end of it , you get a proposal with bell and whistles, and a big rock on your finger.... it does not sounds THAT bad to me...

So I wonder... and I know that I am doing a whole lot of reading between the lines, and that I might be mistaken... I just wonder if you are so very hurt because you do not fully trust him ?.. because you feel that he is bargaining for time, and the ring is an excuse to delay things , maybe indefinitely ?.. Are you afraid that he might not keep his promise, and that in 6 months time something else will come up to postpone the engagement ?...

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (14 April 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWould you be happy with a piece of sting tied in a knot around your finger as a symbol of his promise or a much less expensive ring ... you sound as if you would.

Him telling you he intended proposing was a promise of sorts, and he has broken it. Of course you have the right to feel hurt ... and to be bothered by this.

I think you need to discuss his intentions with him, the fact he has already told you he intending proposing by a certain time was a promise of sorts to marry. Now that he is pushing it back another 6 months or more you will be feeling let down and disappointed. Be honest with him, tell him you ARE upset and remind him you don't need a specific amount spent on a ring to become engaged. If he insists that HE does, then discuss why and when he feels it might happen.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think your disappointment comes from having been led to believe this would happen at a certain time, which you were understandably looking forward to, to then having the rug whipped from under your feet and the goal posts moved. Like you, I would rather someone did not promise ANYTHING than promise something and let me down.

Although another 6 months will soon pass, if this is very important to you (which it seems to be), why not tell him you would much rather he proposed at the originally planned time with a cheaper ring than wait another 6 months? However, maybe HE really WANTS to give you the ring he has got his eye on and would be disappointed with having to settle for less - which would ring alarm bells for ME as it would make me wonder if HIS fantasy and pleasure are more important in this event than MINE.

Do you two actually share the same attitudes towards money and material things? Does he think he needs to impress you by spending money? Or does he do it just to appear big? Or - and this is just a random thought and you can probably dismiss this as totally off the mark - is he dragging his feet as he has uncertainties?

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