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Am I seeing this clearly? What can I do? It looks like my boyfriend's mother wants him to emotionally fill her husbands shoes

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 July 2015)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi all,

This problem is like a festering wound that will not go away.

I feel the relationship between my boyfriend and his mother is a bit unusual sometimes or weird.

Now before I go on about what is happening I strongly believe people need to have a healthy relationship with their parents.

From the beginning I have liked my boyfriend's mom she is a nice person but there is something off about how she treats my boyfriend and vise versa.

When my boyfriend and I began our relationship he didn't tell me his parents are both alcoholics.

I feel lied to now, as back then I told him how my father is a drug addict.

I mean why wouldn't a person share that unless they were in denial?

Some instances that make their relationship weird are:

when my boyfriend and I go out on a date he will be very quiet and not engage my conversation during the date or in the car.

When he gets home his mom immediately asks him what we did, if he had fun, etc... and he ends up having a great story to tell her about all of the things we did.

But when I tried to engage him in the car with questions like, did you have fun? Do you want to do it again? I receive a simple yeah sure.

Another thing is when he was working in the city he would arrive home from work and tell his mom every little detail about his day. When I asked I would get nothing but grumpyness.

When his parents argue because they are drunk or for some stupid reason.

My boyfriend always sides with his mom and gets very angry at his dad meanwhile half of the time it is his mom starting the argument, (they do not get physical though.)

If by random my boyfriend tells them both to stop arguing his mom gets very upset and shoots my boyfriend a dirty look for not siding with her childishness.

I recall on multiple occasions my boyfriend saying he almost spilled hot coffee on his crotch while staring his mom directly in the eyes, I was standing right there, and she oogled back at him and said that wouldn't be good.

Then she said he is sexy and said she got kicked in the crotch one time and it hurt. I told him later that day I was so uncomfortable about that I got chills. He didn't have a defense but he said that it was inappropriate.

His mother always says she is so glad her son isn't like her husband. She is happy that he sticks up for her even though she is just as much to blame I think.

When she cries my boyfriend joins his mom in making rude comments to his dad. Now when I have a problem I want t talk about with my boyfriend he shuts me out like his father does to his mother. I am left with a cold shoulder. Confused as to why he will stick up for his mom but when I have a question he shuts me out.

Another thing that bothers me is after my boyfriend and I have sex he immediately leaves the room, now that doesn't bother. What bothers me is he goes and sits in the tv room where his mother sleeps (because his parents don't sleep together).

He goes and talks with his mom. This happens unless he falls asleep after we have sex. I want to talk with him and be intimate with him but I feel he'd rather do that with his mother. Many times I have found him asleep on the couch adjacent to the one she is sleeping on.

We all get tired I know but when I sit in the room with him at night he doesn't look at me when we are talking he stares at his mom whether she is sleeping or awake he stares at her.

He doesn't do this to me as this seems like something a couple would do. If I tell a story he doesn't respond to it but when his mother responds to it then he will.

Something else that bothers me is the way he needs her input for things. I mean not the usual do you think this is a good investment?

But something along the lines of he doesn't have any opinion until he hears his moms opinion, then her opinion becomes his.

He uses the words “My mom thinks this”, “My mom does that” way too often. One time he went out to a party alone and then he came back and got me and when we got there I heard from other people that all he talked about was his mother... Not about me or his dog but his mother. I really should have realized who came first in his life.

A few summers ago I wanted to go for walks with my boyfriend as I have always enjoyed walking and lost 50lbs from doing so. Walking and exercise have been my escape from my painful memories of being raped and abused.

I wanted my partner to come with me. Another reason I wanted to walk was to get out of his toxic parents household and blow off some steam. He promptly refused me every time I asked.

Even if I said we could do something he wanted to do. So he sat indoors all summer and winter, we didn't go swimming, fishing, walking, or camping. All of those things I love doing that are a means of escape from those memories.

But looking back it seems as though all he wanted to do was the same thing as his mother does, sit indoors doing nothing all day.

Feelings of hurt and resentment are starting to boil over as I brought up how I was feeling yesterday I told him some of these things and how I see them and how it looks.

It looks like his mother wants him to emotionally fill her husbands shoes and he is doing that for her.

His father comes home and disengages from his mother. Now he is doing the same to me but catering to his mothers feelings.

The long stares creep me out, I know parents and children do that but this is a little much when he can't hold me stare for more then 3 seconds. Believe me I have tried many times.

If my boyfriend is telling me something new and his mother is nearby and she hasn't heard it he immediately disregards and shifts to her saying, “I've told you this haven't I mom.”

My question is, is this just me or am I seeing this clearly?

Also any advice would be appreciated. I don't think anything sexual is going on but more so emotional control over her son and he is falling for it. I am bruised by these things I have mentioned here along with other incidents and when I brought my feelings up to my boyfriend he did not deny anything and said I was right. Any advice please. Even if it is someone with a similar situation.

View related questions: alcoholic, drunk

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015):

The title of your question caught my attention because I spent 18 years with someone and, like you, I started feeling uncomfortable about his relationship with his mum very early on and, as things progressed, realised I was with a full blown Mummy's boy and, not only that, but that the "emotional incest" janniepeg refers to was definitely in place between them.

However, I was shocked by what I read in your post - this is far beyond being a Mummy's boy, this is creepy and the guy needs to see a psychiatrist.

Emotional incest DOES affect how a person behaves sexually towards the opposite sex because it prevents them from feeling and sharing real intimacy with the person they have sex with. Sex will either be functional or pornographic type sex. But the intimacy will be elsewhere, usually connected either to the parent or to some behaviour that the parent has always encouraged eg. drinking, smoking, or even socialising to an extreme with other people.

In your boyfriend's case, he comes from parents who are addicts. One thing I know for sure about addicted people is that they generate addictive patterns in those around them. Your boyfriend is, quite literally, addicted to his mother. Addicts tend to have rollercoaster lives, up one minute, down the next. For a child or relative to be around that 24/7 means that they get a VERY dysfunctional sense of what is normal and they begin psychologically 'tracking' the every mood, whim and action of the addict, changing their own behaviour and emotions to complement those of the addict, often to try to avoid or prevent arguments or to experience. the extreme bonded feeling that addicts send out to others and need from them.

I disagree with Janniepeg that Mummy's boy's tend not to hurt their partners - sorry Janniepeg but I absolutely disagree with that one. Stick around with one of these boys and they grow to be incredibly messed up 'men', often violent behind the scenes because they're full of internal rage that they can't function healthily due to repression and unhealthy closeness to Mummy that they can't explain and can't escape from. They take it out on the women they're closest to. The other thing is that they continually hurt you, all the time, because they effectively withhold true intimacy from you, making you doubt yourself , your thoughts, your value, your worth and your right to be loved. What you are doing now is starting this process of self doubt. I can tell you, after 18 years of it you won't know who you are anymore and your esteem will be non existent.

Finally, having come from an abusive background myself and been sexually abused when younger, I know for sure that we tend to gravitate towards partners who withhold real love from us and we are far more inclined to tolerate or tell ourselves to tolerate awful behaviour that, to healthy minded women who haven't been abused, would seem absolutely unacceptable and downright nuts. I'm 47 and I hate to say "I'm older and know better" but, honestly, I've 'been there' and it's taken me this long to understand why I put up with my ex's ridiculous and sick relationship with his Mum; we don't have the experience of being genuinely loved, only hurt, and this is something you really do need to have counselling for - I don't think you have overcome your abuse yet and you are effectively extending it through this person.

In my view he is abusing you. As the others have pointed out, he is getting all his intimacy from his Mum, you are just a body, a 'stand in' body because he can't have hers. It wouldn't even surprise me if one day he does 'have' hers.

Please see a counsellor and please realise that you have learned to hurt yourself when no-one else is around to do it to you, by finding someone that will hurt you. You are actually in control here, and you have made this dysfunctional choice to be with this person that is clearly in need of psychiatric help. You are making really bad choices and putting yourself in mental and emotional danger, if not sexual danger too, because the way he is having sex with you is similar to how someone would abuse another, or use another as a prostitute, purely for release, keeping their emotions detached.

Get professional help. Don't even try to explain any of this to your boyfriend. Just get out of the situation and go and see a counsellor as soon as possible.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (13 July 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThis creature simply MUST be the ultimate "Mama's boy"....

You've drawn a clear picture of his behaviour.... regarding both his Mother and you....

Decide for yourself if you could/should/would want to endure this for the duration of a "relationship" with this boy.. If you are satisfied that what you've described in your submittal is "OK" with you... then carry on. If you're convinced that you want to have a relationship with an adult man... then you'll have to choose another one...

Good luck...

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (13 July 2015):

janniepeg agony auntThere's a thing called emotional incest and what they have isn't healthy. I believe you are with him because you feel safe. Momma's boys usually do not hurt women, at least not what your exes did. He's with you because there's of course something his mom couldn't give him, which is similar age and sex. The conflict he has is that whenever he's close to you he feels like he's betraying his mom. He desperately wants to keep his relationship with you while no upsetting his mom. Of course this is all in his own mind. He did not disagree with you so this is a good start. Now it is up to him to grow up and do something about it, such as detach from mom and be a man to you. Make you the number 1 woman in his life without feeling guilty.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI have to agree with WiseOwlE

WHY are you dating him?

He CLEARLY do have issues with his parents, NOT just his mom. He however doesn't have a bond with his Dad, because the mom has systematically broken that down.

I'm not even sure WHY he is with you. He really doesn't seem to understand what a relationship is all about.

So again, WHY are you with him?

(and please don't say... " I love him" without clearly stating WHAT you love about him so much that you are willing to put up with that momma-crap.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015):

So why are you still with him?

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